[Absolutely Fabulous]

Newbies, read at your own risk.

This thread is for those that have been at this for a while, and will soon be or have been divorced. This is for anyone that has to go D&D or NC for your own personal sanity, safety, or just because you want to. To be able to have a real discussion without being lectured or attacked for your D&D or NC stance. I know the usual suspects will not be able to resist having their say, but this is going to be kept on topic. Despite some of their best efforts. Threads have topics for a reason: because people want to do discuss a particular topic. If this steps on your toes...

I personally can't deal with fresh newbies asking the same questions over and over again, any longer. This forum has so many good threads that answer most, if not all of their questions. And, does a great job as well. I don't want to have to relive any of the past through them any longer. That's all behind me now. But, I digress.. The purpose of this thread is to see how things are going for those who are beyond the "why?" question, and have moved on to GAL. How are you coping, doing, making out, whatever... Especially if you're D&D or NC.

I personally am enjoying being single, for the time being. The XH started this in 2008 and went full MLC in 2014. I had been bombed dropped 3x's before I had had enough, and gave him the divorce he so desperately wanted. We finalized it November 2015.

Now he has told the kids that he's moving back to our state ( just check out my main thread for all the gory details ) in a few months. And, wants to have the kids over the weekends. Of course he hasn't said a word to me. Asked the kids to ask me if it was going to be alright with me.  Typical. This is out of the blue and very sudden. Not sure what caused this turn of events. Not even sure if the OW/AD is moving with him. At any rate, he will be a little less than 2 hrs away, instead of living on an island. I'm sure this is yet another EA.

Truthfully I was enjoying the space, peace, and distance. This is going to complicate things a little, since the girls and I are planning on moving to TX after MD graduates. So this may be a ploy to keep us trapped in the state. All else has failed, so I guess this is his last attempt to force me to "stay on the shelf", and weigh anchor again. Not happening.

My kids are detached for the most part as well. In other words, if he wants contact, he has to contact them. They're tired of game playing, and can recognize when he's trying to be manipulative as well. They've become very savvy lately. We have settled into a life that so far, he hasn't really been a part of. We're just doing what we have to do to move beyond this mess, and it's been a good thing that he was so far away. The kids aren't fazed at this new turn of events. They've learned to go with the flow, just like mom.

Since he's coming back the kids now have a new motivation to get their personal businesses going. They really want to get out of this state. They liked him being so far away. He hasn't exactly been there. They're D&D, I'm NC.

How are some of you that have taken the same route doing? I know that at this point my kids don't even want me and the XH to reconcile. Yes he's done that much damage. Anyone else finding healing by being able to focus on yourself and/or your kids if you have them?

How is rebuilding your life coming along? How are you feeling these days? Are you considering dating or have you decided to be single for a while? Are you still hoping to reconcile? Have your kids started to get to a place where they are feeling more confident and healthier?

Where are you at this point of your journey?

Can't wait to hear your thoughts. 

[Velika]

I am very dim/dark as well. I agree in some cases this is simply necessary. There was a point last year when my husband was more spaced out and stopped monstering/abuse. If he had continued that way I may have felt better with more contact.

I just want to comment about newbies asking why. The reason they are doing this is that they are in shock. It is not because they are unwilling to look up the article directory etc. That is a typical reaction of someone who has PTSD. Each and every person on this thread deserves our compassion, but someone actively in shock especially so.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Hi Velika,

As always love to hear from you. 

About the newbies, I understand "why". The shock is so jarring it's almost palatable. I was just saying, that we have enough threads with the "why" questions. And, there are other threads where that's already been addressed. Lots of them. And, it brings people back to that place where they don't want to go back to. I just wanted this thread to move beyond that, for those who want to be able to talk about something else for a while.

Not to be confused with being insensitive to the newbies plight. After all, we've all been there. Think of this thread as being able to go outside to clear your head for a few minutes. At least that's what my hope for it is. It's not to leave anyone out, just let some others express their thoughts and opinions freely who are at a different stage in their journey.

And keep in mind that NC is not popular with many on HS. So, this is just one thread for those that have decided to take this route, and are willing to live with the consequences, because there are consequences. And, accept them no matter what the outcome.

[Nas]

Blerg, I just wrote a whole long post and didn't realize a new post hit at the same time so I lost mine.   

Anyway, the gist of what I wrote:

Velika, I had a similar experience where for a long period my H was not monstering and was more depressed/spaced out/zombie-H, and if he had continued on like that maybe things would be different.

H moved far away to be with OW in June and I went dim at that time because I saw no reason for contact while he's off carrying on a new life/"relationship" with OW.
I went very dark in September.

In my case, going dark seems to have brought on a resurgence of blame and anger.  A few weeks ago, as soon as he found out I was moving 700 miles away, he immediately had his lawyer draft D papers and is withholding alimony and demanding I sign them. (My lawyer has them - I can't sign them because they're wrong and don't even have my new address on them.)

H and I have a dog that is like a child (we don't have children) and the dog is with H because my living arrangements have been in flux for a year and I can't afford the dog's expensive medications because last spring the vet did an ultrasound that showed something on his bladder that they were not sure were cysts or cancer.  The medication he's been on is supposed to shrink the growths if it is cancer or prevent it from becoming cancer if it isn't.

H knows how much I miss the dog and how much I wish he was with me.  On Halloween, he was texting me and saying the dog was doing good and he commented that even though his cataracts really affect his eyesight, he still plays like a crazy puppy.

Now suddenly last week, just a few weeks later, he sends me an email saying he's mentally preparing to have to put the dog to sleep soon due to his declining health.

So in my case, it seems my going very dark has caused H to get angry and start looking for ways to regain control. 

I didn't respond at all to his email about the dog because it's a no win for me.  If I say I'm worried about the dog, I risk H feeling guilty and lashing out.  If I respond in a too detached way, he will lash out and say I don't care. 
It's too hard to carefully measure every word and every response.  So I opted to not say anything at all.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Nassau, I'm so sorry to hear this. We had to give up our dog, and XH response? So glad that he can be happy now. The kids were devastated, but he wanted the dog gone for a while, so he was elated.

I can relate about the moving part. When we first moved out of the house, he refused to deposit all but $600 for 2 months, until the divorce hearing. At this point in time, he would only text or email. He was trying desperately to maintain control. We had already lost the house and the kids and I had to move in with my folks for a while.

NC has been a God send for me, until now. I don't know what the deal is, but I doubt seriously that he's had a change of heart. My best guess? The OW/AD and he are through, and he's running again. EA are the norm for him. Mine is upset that I'm NC as well, still trying to use my younger 2 to get the upper hand. He knows that we don't talk about him to OD, and she knows better than to bring him up to the younger 2 girls.

Refuses to adhere to the divorce decree which states: NO contact unless regarding the children. I get contact, when he does contact, on everything but. I just respond with brief replies.

[em5731]

I have been at this since June 2015. I am I guess no contact. If he emails something about my daughter that needs a response I will answer. But I don't feel the need to be treated like crap any longer. The way I see it. He did this and he needs to fix it. He moved out of state also. At first I was upset. But know I'm just happy not to see him at the grocery store. No more drama. I would love to reconcile. But that would have to come from him  as I would never lower my self to put my self back in that situation again

[Becoming_simlpy]

Sorry question my 3 girls, I read a lot of threads and have seen some crazy but not on yours, hope I am not reading wrong.   Just so I  understand are you standing or not?.  Ps follow any thread topic that gets my attention.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I'm not really doing much of anything. If that makes any sense. I'm just on the fence. Just waiting to see what happens next.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I have been at this since June 2015. I am I guess no contact. If he emails something about my daughter that needs a response I will answer. But I don't feel the need to be treated like crap any longer. The way I see it. He did this and he needs to fix it. He moved out of state also. At first I was upset. But know I'm just happy not to see him at the grocery store. No more drama. I would love to reconcile. But that would have to come from him  as I would never lower my self to put my self back in that situation again

Good place to be. No drama is great. We were loving it as well. Now, we have to wait and see what he's up to now. It's going to be interesting. He's all over the place, so we are just sitting back and watching the show.

[CaliGuy123]

I do not post much here ... if ever.
So brief history:
BD Nov 2013
Touch and Go Mar 15
BD2 Dec 2015
OW back in picture Feb16
D&D/NC since.

What prompted me to reply was the reaction to D&D/NC. We do have a son so its almost impossible for full NC as you all know. She pulled the reaction stuff all through Mar trying to regain power, similar ... she put the dog down in April ... little beg and plead in June, set Mediation appt that week. Dropped Mediation and attained a Lawyer and had me served one day after my birthday ... since will cast out looking for sympathy about once a month since.

For me I did not want to go NC, but after dealing with MLC for 2 1/2 years, the monster that came with it I just felt it was for me and my own mental health at that point. She chose to pursue OM thats fine, leave me out of it .. go down that cheese-less tunnel and figure yourself out. Since then I decided to just live.

The "Are you standing" question made me actually ask myself the same .. I still frequent this site and another that deals with MLC but I do not think/consider myself standing at this point ... not for who she currently is now anyways and I am not even sold I would buy the finished product at this point, have not slammed to door on it completely I guess at this point but I am not wrapping my tree with a yellow ribbon waiting for a return either.

In spirit of the thread ... I went NC (for now) as a direct result of my boundary being crossed, not to punish nor to try to wake her up but just because emotionally I could really not take it any longer, I was just not strong enough any longer ... like the shore getting pounded day in and day out by the ocean waves . That was 10 months ago and I feel much more grounded and in control of my life rather than that helpless limbo feeling I felt for several years ..... I can see why one would want to warn the newbies of the content here as many of us are past the shock of it all, accepted MLS takes time and for some of us NC is the only way to preserve ourselves during their crisis.

Hope that all was some what coherent ...lol