[Red Star]

I am a green newbie, on the other side, HELLO! 

I am just 4 mos post BD. One thing I am struggling with is the idea of being intimate again with H, IF he returns. I'm not so sure that I can get past the PA. 

Many of you far into this LBS/MLC journey seem to handle sex with a betraying spouse just fine. HOW do you get past all the bad thoughts and visions? 

BStar

[LettingGo]

I'll jump in, because I remember having all of the thoughts and bad movies running in my head. You will feel so differently 6 months from now... a year from now.... it won't be anything like how you feel today. You really don't need to worry about it. You are going to learn how to handle a lot of things you can't even imagine being able to... you will just learn to take care of yourself, and if the time comes for you, and you want to have sex, you WILL. It may be while he is with OW, or not until she is long gone. No way to know for sure how any opportunity may present itself to you and how you will feel about it.

So, just crumple that question up and toss it aside and TRUST me.... you'll be just fine when the time comes. 

[limitless]

BStar,
I am 9 - 10 months past BD.  I don't see my MLCer and I getting together "in that way" anytime soon - if at all.  So, honestly, I don't spend much time thinking or worrying about it.

That said - I would ask for STD testing and/or condoms. 

Probably would piss him off - but - I would offer to take the same tests.

My .02 cents.

L

[HeartsBlessing]

So, just crumple that question up and toss it aside and TRUST me.... you'll be just fine when the time comes. 

Since there are many things that can and will happen before the ending of an affair IF, it should come; that's not even a question that should be considered at the moment.

You're putting the cart in front of the horse; and you don't even KNOW if your MLC'er will even return to the marriage.

Don't cross that bridge until you face it; there are more important things to face than that....and as you come forward; you will realize this.

[In this for ME]

I've worked on this A LOT. Because I want to so badly be intimate with him again.
I've crashed coursed myself. But HB is right it is the cart before the horse. But if you can start working on it now it might be helpful later..but focus on what may have been missing FOR YOU in the relationship FIRST.

A test for STDS is a must.

There's a book called "After the Affair" that helped me get some perpective ..but what has helped me more is talking with him now that the ow is out of the picture.

I also made some power plays like telling him I was going OUT!! And he knew what that meant. But none of what I did am I advising you to do.

He didn't like that one bit.
 
I'm only into this for 8 months and in that time I was divorced he MOVED HER INTO OUR HOUSE and INTO OUR BED!
He has acknowledged what he's done by saying rather strongly "I cannot imagine the pain I caused you and you suffered by me bringing her into our bed!!" And after I got done losing it. He said "You don't have to worry about that anymore!!"

So if we ever do get back together that particulaer piece of furniture is getting burned or sold. The house would be hard enough to go back to knowing her skanky ass has been in it.

He actually blerted out one time after she was gone"The sex was incredible!!" . That almost killed me. But I think he realizes now that her ulterior motive was to get his money. That all the sex was for her was to get anything she could. I know he thought he was in love..it was just homones and the fact that we hadn't been intimate in a while compounded by all the other stressors his job loss etc.

When we talked about things in another coverstaion I told him that he had "set the bar pretty high"..( she was a prostotute from the age of 14 until 22)

And he said "You don't need to worry about that!". Both of us have confirmed to each other our attraction is undeniable also.

But what I had done very graphically in an email was descibe for him what it was like for me to be with him that way. You see I'm starting to understand sex wasn't the problem..COMMUNICATION was.
I had finshed the email and was getting ready to send it as I felt there was nothing left to lose. When emailed me to tell me the affair was over. So I sent it anyway. His response?

"Holy Crap!"

[justasking]

IMO before getting to the sex we need to work on forgiving them and that is part of our journey. Coming to terms with our H committing adultery is our biggest hurdle to jump.

Eventually when and if they ask to return I think we should all be sensible and ask them to get tested. HIV and other sexually transmitted infections are growing more in the midlife age group and now we are beating the teenagers 

You can bet you bottom dollar that while they are having 'incredible sex' they won't think about a condom.........

So while it maybe months or even years away thinking about it may help but have no expectations. This is a very very long journey 

xx

[In this for ME]

I agree with the forgiveness part.. It was huge for him to acknowledge my pain as I tried to deflect anything I was feeling about the situation to him and focus on the kids and how they felt about the invasion of that particulaer body snatching low life fithy dirty piece of garbage.

When he did acknowledge it..it was though I had been set free somehow. I have forgiven him only because I understand what he was and is going through. But I haven't told him yet.

And he's never been able to wear a condom he just loses the physical ability to perform..must be psycological. . We used withdrawl for most of our relationship or I was on something pill, shot, whatever.

It's a wonder I don't have more than two kids as I only gave him one chamce to get me pregnant the second time because I was scared to death to have another baby. And he did it.

Then he got a V. after that.

[In this for ME]

Another good book was "Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know" This info was gathered FROM men about them and thier needs. I reread this one a lot.

[Synicca]

I think, for me. It isn't so much the "sex" rather the "emotional connection" we think our H's have with the OW.

This is not my H's first PA, SO I have had the unfortunate reality of how this feels more then once.
To me it is just sex. It's human nature for a man to "procreate" There is a part of me that believes a man really
cannot be 100% faithful, only because it seems they are driven by "instincts" to continue the "Bloodline" LOL!

Maybe this is my own way of getting past the betrail. Plus forgiveness is KEY here. That must come first before
anything else.

[Red Star]

Well, due to my nature, it is not putting the cart before the horse. My mom's favorite story of me is when I was around 4 years old. I was quite stressed because I could not figure out how I was going to be able to learn how to drive a car. You see, I plan ahead! LOL 

Sex is an emotional thing for H. He bonded with ow first emotionally. Now that ( I have no proof, is a valid assumption ) they are physical, it is like he is bound to her for life. We had always had a super sex life until his emotional issues initiated a distance between us. Things went downhill from there. In spite of the continued chemistry between us, we had not been intimate for a very long time.

I just don't know if I can get past the betrayal. IDK. I go back & forth. I am Standing presently cuz I feel forgiveness. But if H moves out, divorces me, moves in with ow or marries her....years go by where they are devoted.....then he says 'opps, made a mistake'.....I think that by then, my hurt will be too big to overcome. He will just be a man who is capable of betrayal and nothing better. When I found he had made ow a Valentine disc and named the song he wrote, and shared with me on my computer, after the ho-ow....my ability to Stand was challenged.....these are things he stopped doing for me years ago.......I feel he has started a new hot romance with a married ( allegedly divorcing ) ow. Do I sound like an inexperienced newbie??? lol


BStar