[nah]

Ok confession what is FOO? I haven't known for months!

Family Of Origin

In the early days, this place was like learning a whole new language.  I had never even heard the terms "projection" or "gas lighting".... I never had to know this stuff before MLC.

I know his depression is likely covert everything about him is very closed anyway but not seeing the classic male depression has always made me wonder if that's what was behind this?

I will read your thread when I get a chance but that's why I titled my latest thread (which I haven't posted on for a while) "smoke and mirrors".  I was oh so fooled.  Why?

He seemed fine with everybody else.  (He has since lost many friends)
He was doing just fine in his high profile job.  (Fired last year and burned all bridges, from a 400K job to trying to sell houses)
HIs hockey friends seemed to have no problem. (Played for 20+ years, has since quit that too)
Not drinking or doing drug like most MLC checklists.  (Like I said, now doing both....was sober for over 20 years until now)
His band friends seemed to welcome the girl maybe she was normal.  (I can't write the names that was used for her by this group)
His family turned their backs on me and welcomed her immediately. (The lies from his mother has just recently started to leak to me, I'm sure I will know more with time)

For at least a year, I blamed myself.... 2nd year I saw small cracks.... 3rd year it started piling on more....the mask keeps slipping as time goes on.

[nah]

Can someone clear that up in my brain. My husband has told me about his frame of mind , his thinking, his reactions . I am confused about what to call these statements .  They are his "truths".  But, somehow, "reasons " for having an affair ... are fabrications ?   sigh... I knew I should have stayed away from this word . JUSTIFICATIONS ...

I see "justifications" simply as reasons for bad behavior.  In their minds I don't believe they are lies,...

The main one, "I love you but I'm not in love with you"

Well, it really is their truth, right?  Their passion for us is gone, at least it is when they say these words.

Now, could they have "manned up", stayed, work on our marriages instead of cheating?  Of course they all could have done the right thing BUT by the time we hear these words it's too late.  They are too far gone.

Barbiedoll, this is my opinion only....

Most of our husbands at some point became lying, cheating, a-hole, cowards.

But, some, just some, at some point take a look at themselves and after all they have done, at least TRY to do the right thing.

I always say, how does someone who has spent most of their lives avoiding, admit they destroyed everything that was important to them and try to fix their mistakes? 

Wow,,,,,  that's big time courage in my book.  Both of you have more courage than my husband and even me, I don't think I have what it takes to do the work.  I look up to you.

[Mlcvetof5]

You can't logically justify any of their nonsense because it's totally illogical thinking. They come across as genuine but when the mask slips either in front of the lbs friends family etc it's totally illogical. Plus there's the lie factor but mine was in total hindsight. That's when everything clicked for me. I know that doesn't help much but mlc'ers think totally opposite of normal grown adult people.

[nah]

You can't logically justify any of their nonsense because it's totally illogical thinking. They come across as genuine but when the mask slips either in front of the lbs friends family etc it's totally illogical. Plus there's the lie factor but mine was in total hindsight. That's when everything clicked for me. I know that doesn't help much but mlc'ers think totally opposite of normal grown adult people.

Spoken like a veteran.

[nah]

I have hardly any contact with Hs friends so haven't got any insight. I'm not sure he seems much of the sensible ones. He did say at BD he drives around feeling numb and acting his way through work etc maybe that's what they do, they act along but for all I know that's changed and he's fine now. I mean, the video he made of himself rapping in the car showed he really wasn't normal but that's the only indication.

I would just like to understand what actually causes this fog / memory loss etc. If someone was acting really crazy then friends and family would know, but with mLC they are effectively acting crazy in a normal context so it's harder for anyone to think any things wrong?

So again, I think I'm one of the lucky ones where after time the truth fell into my lap.

The night of BD, husband sang on stage with his band, sure he just destroyed his wife of 28 years but priorities, can't miss a gig, right??    I went there around midnight and forgave him and asked him to come home.  He told me "We" needed space.   

The wives guilted him into talking to me after I left, I think that's the only reason he called me that night.

Anyways....
Days after BD, I went to the bass players sign shop (a business he owns).  I cried all over him (we have been friends for 30+ years), he listened but that was about it.  Weeks and months after BD I would visit the bass player and dig for answers to my questions, you know the ones... "does it seem like he loves her?"..., "does he seem happy?",.... "does he ask about me?" Even, "where the Hell does he live?"   The closest thing I got to an answer was,....

"Hey Nah, you know how it is, every man's fantasy is a younger woman".

Yep.  No wonder I was a mess that first year. 

Then after time I gave up.  I started dating another guy who worked at the sign shop ( I was a busy girl  ), so I would stop by every once in a while.  I often waved to the bass player, small talk, nothing else.

Maybe it was me, maybe this was all normal, everybody else seemed to think so.....
Or so I thought.  The pictures and videos on FB seemed like they were all besties, the girl was in and I was out.

Behind the scenes it was building. 

One day, I stopped in the sign shop for business reasons (I often arranged for my company to use his signs)....
The bass player pulled me into his office.  More details are on my old threads but things were not all unicorns and rainbows in MLC land.  The bass player word vomited all over me... some quotes that I will never forget...
"You two are the poster couple for why a man should never leave his wife for a younger woman"  (oh, how his tune changed )
"Mr. Nah use to be my best friend and now I feel like he hates me and I don't know why"  (ummm.. welcome to the club)
"The girl is a stupid Tw@t face, every single person who meets her, hates her"
but the big one...

"At first I thought he was acting strange b/c you guys were going through a divorce, but once you were really gone, he just got worse and worse over time"

A-HA....

Makes sense, doesn't it?  Most people around the MLCers think they are acting "off" b/c they are going through a divorce.  They give them a pass at first.  So in the early days if you run around talking MLC (like I did), they think you are the crazy one.

Sit back, do your best to take the high road, let time do its work.

In the meantime, do what you can to take care of yourself.  Make some travel plans, re-connect with old friends or at least buy yourself an awesome pair of shoes. 

[Mlcvetof5]

Nah is right on the money!! Now I'm going to try to explain what happen when I found out about the serpent to see if it will help...the alien had no choice the day I found out. I packed him up myself, 23 years of stuff even the car washing buck. Within two months he and the serpent we're going around asking people if they were ok with them being together. He was going around telling anyone that would agree with him I never liked camping (reality: I helped buy the thing and enjoyed it), I didn't like to go to the lake (reality: I helped buy the boat) I didn't like to sit out by the pool (reality: happened once cause I had to wash/fold clothes) he had rewritten hx basically to make himself feel better...didn't work. Might for a short time but not lasting.
Also within 2 months of me kicking him out he moved in with the serpent. Do you think he called all those people they asked if they were ok with them being together and told them he moved in....ugh no! Do you think his two sons were told? Once again no. They found out by riding by. Now that called disrespect! The alien has this weird thing of thinking people are mind readers.
Do you think he spoke to any of our kids about a divorce...nope. Once again disrespect. Who does that? Who moves in with a serpent and doesn't speak to their kids? A fogged up immature disrespectful selfish mlc'er!
Now he has portrayed the Disney dad in the beginning and that what he leads people to believe. But after you do that for so long and have no contact with your kids and don't come to their activities....guess what?? The truth comes out like the rising sun.
Logical people respectful people truthful people do not act like the above and they can hide it well but sooner or later the mask falls....
I hope this helps barbiedoll....I'm really good at going off subject sometimes.

[BrenM]

Now he has portrayed the Disney dad in the beginning and that what he leads people to believe. But after you do that for so long and have no contact with your kids and don't come to their activities....guess what?? The truth comes out like the rising sun.
Logical people respectful people truthful people do not act like the above and they can hide it well but sooner or later the mask falls....

You hit the nail on the head with this one 😁. All the stories my exh has told people how I have stopped the kids from having any contact with him....portraying me as the bad parent.  People who didn't know believed at the beginning. Yes he was trying his best when in public.  But then he disappeared from their lives - his new life far more exciting and busy.  He begun to refuse to support them financially, showing absolutely no interest in their lives, becoming somewhat obsolete...sadly.  Guess the mask does fall off for all to see the truth.

Another thing that I don't understand is how the OW (a mother herself) can stand by and watch children hurt as a result of her actions....guess they are equally messed up as the MLCer.

[BrenM]

Sit back, do your best to take the high road, let time do its work.

In the meantime, do what you can to take care of yourself.  Make some travel plans, re-connect with old friends or at least buy yourself an awesome pair of shoes. 

Arghhhhh bloody TIME......I hate the time factor 😡😡😡

[Mlcvetof5]

Lord don't get me started.....the serpent aka ap. does not have kids but wanted ours to become hers and the alien. That went over like a ton of lead plus it was short lived. I kept my mouth sit and let the kids find out first hand. Didn't take long either.
These other women I believe mine opinion only.... Or either pd's or desperate for love and they are selfish.
The serpent is all about her. She doesn't want the alien seeing his kids. Guess what? She's setting herself up. I see it happening and resentment has got to be building in the alien.
She has already posted on a web site about how her and her fiancé' love to hike bike camp and they love their animals. Where she works no one knows the alien has kids....do you see the lies? I do and others will. It's all about them...

[Mlcvetof5]

The kids don't know they're engaged. See the selfishness.