[heroIam]

Nah.
Not to be difficult, but I do wonder if where they are now is truly not that great.  How do we know really?  It could be pretty darn good 'over there' in their minds. Why would they stay 'there' for so long if it weren't at least pretty good or "better"?  It is possible that maybe they have found someone better?  Someone who matches more closely to who they are?.  It's also possible that they are happier in some way.  I know the way they cut and run isn't normal, but for them - it was the only way out bc facing it and discussing it with 'us' the wife, would be worse - so they run.  I'm just saying, it can't be all that bad 'over there' if they choose to stay they for years.  Devils advocate here.   

[Thunder]

Hero,

I think a lot of times they feel they've blown up everything else in their life so they figure they have to make this work.  They have nothing else.

Just my opinion.   

Like in nah's case, she is in a serious relationship.  Her X knows that.  Why would he even try to come back, she's happy?

[MsMedfly]

I really think it's embarrassment and guilt more than anything... They do turn into something NO ONE in their current life understands or wants to be around, so they almost have to turn and run... Because, Lord knows, they cannot admit it's them, that has the problem... much less, seek help!

I think many stay because if they leave the ow, the lies they've lived will be exposed. They've already done so much damage, they can't imagine anyone having any sympathy for them, the second time around.

Puffy told NO ONE that he left and filed. Two years later, there are still people, that we were good friends with, that do not know, what's happened. He wanted to keep it as secret as possible. One, so he could continue to live on the high he got from having this secret life and two, because then he would have to explain what he did. Not a single person that knows of the situation has ever agreed with what he's done. He's lost every single friend he had... The thinking has been, well if he will do that to his wife, son, and family, what could / would he do to me.... Quoted from the friend that puffy stayed with, after the initial bomb drop...

Puffy hides.. from everything and will continue to do so. I no longer care, I no longer question or wonder what is going on with him / his life... His choices, his circus, his monkeys... His consequences...

I too, am in a serious relationship. I don't know what puffy knows, nor do I care. He's none of my business and I'm certainly none of his!  I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. Hopefully, he can / does recognize that and the continued no contact is the only kind thing he has done for me.

[heroIam]

Hey Thunder.
I get that.  I suppose it could be different in everyone's case.  I've heard from family and friends that I was the best thing to ever happen to my H.  Yet, he's gone now, and worse yet with an OW.  Makes no sense but I guess I wasn't "all that" in his book.  I cannot continue to excuse his choices, bad behaviors to MLC.  On some level they are grown men, they've made pretty good choices in their life this far at 52 yo.  They have their own minds and choices.  It's hard for me to accept that it's ALL mental illness and MLC forcing him to be away from home and with an OW.  I've felt this way since this whole mess started.  My H (like many of our H's here) is a good man at his core.  Sensitive, talented and smart.  Doing what he did was just plain selfish and really wrong, but he did it.  He CHOSE it.  He made that decision.  And he's still doing it 2 years and 10 months later.  So, for me I feel I have to learn to accept that he's just happier now.  Preferring OW and his new life to me and his marriage.  I will always have hope.  I hope for many things.  But I also need to see the reality of the situation.  Idk.  I can't just chalk it up to MLC. 

[nah]

Nah.
Not to be difficult, but I do wonder if where they are now is truly not that great.  How do we know really?  It could be pretty darn good 'over there' in their minds. Why would they stay 'there' for so long if it weren't at least pretty good or "better"?  It is possible that maybe they have found someone better?  Someone who matches more closely to who they are?.  It's also possible that they are happier in some way.  I know the way they cut and run isn't normal, but for them - it was the only way out bc facing it and discussing it with 'us' the wife, would be worse - so they run.  I'm just saying, it can't be all that bad 'over there' if they choose to stay they for years.  Devils advocate here.   

Do I know 100%, well of course not.  Yes, as a devils advocate, they are choosing to stay.  Some LBSers are told either by the MLCer or friends that everything seems normal.

Here's a short list of things I have observed over four years.

He loved hockey and played for over 20 years quit because he's "too old" (his words)
He loved his motorcycle, obsessed really.  Quit that too (she won't ride) b/c he's "too old"
Red sports car.  Bought and sold. "not enough time"
Always proud of his career of 30 years.  Fired.  "What I can't get over is all I did for them over the years, times get a little tough and they show me the door"... text he sent to me the day after he was fired.

This was my best evidence, what I now love to call "smoke and mirrors".

The band...
The bass player we both have known for 30 years.  When husband left I went to bass players company and cried all over him.  I started dating a guy that worked for him as an excuse to go there often and dig for information (pathetic yes, I know).  Stonewalled.  The bass player actually said to me, "you know, Nah, every guy fantasizes about younger girls".  Happy pictures and videos all over Facebook, she was in and I was out.  That's when I doubted myself, maybe he just fell out of love and maybe just maybe she wasn't as bad as I had hoped.
He seemed to be going out more, taking her everywhere, all the things I wanted to do.  They seemed happy, everything was normal.
A BIG FAT NOPE.....
About a year after I gave up asking, the bass player pulled me into his office.  He couldn't take it anymore.  "Nah, it's like the Leaver hates me and I don't know why.  We were always best friends and now he scowls at me as soon as he walks in the room".  Sound familiar?  "The girl is a huge tw@t, everybody hates her, she doesn't allow him to look never mind talk to anybody".  He went on and on.  They kicked him out of the band.  When they rejoined without the Leaver, I went to see them play.  I was surrounded by no less than twenty people, hugging me, telling me stories of all the sick drama.  One guy said that the Leaver and I are a "poster couple for why you should never leave your wife for a younger woman". 

Well, that was gratifying. 

Then time went on.  He joined a new band with people who didn't know me.  Maybe that would go better.  Nope, that one is over too.  Just more of the same.  Seems if the girl got a head-ache or whatever, then the Leaver would cancel the show the same day they were supposed to play.  I mean, what was he supposed to do?  Go without her?  Not allowed.

So again, time goes on.  I hear he's getting married in September. 

Then the call....

His words (there were many I picked just the best)...

"I feel like I'm living someone else's life"

Are those the words of a man excited about his life?  Happy that he's getting married?

He didn't say these things to manipulate me.  He wasn't asking to come home.  He was confiding to the one person who has always stuck by him no matter what.  I think he surprised himself telling me these things, but it was too late.  The cat is out of the bag.

Now these examples are my individual experience but it aligns with everything we hear about in the articles and MLCers who return.

Do I know for sure if he's happy or not happy?  No. 

I'll tell you what I do know, I'm not losing sleep wondering if she has it better than me.

[nah]

Oh, I would just like to add, Hero....

When he went on a rampage about how he wakes up every single morning looks in the mirror and is physically sick about what happened to his life.

I responded with, "well, you are living your life due to a series of your own choices"

He just sighed. 

Then he yelled, "do you think this has been easy for me?"

Again, your choices.

Honestly, I think they are all basically the same.  They try to run from themselves without thinking.  Once they get there, they can't turn back.  Only a strong person can fully admit their mistakes. 

[heroIam]

Hey Nah
LOL.    Ok well said! 
In your case, seems obvious to be MLC and possible other issues.   
In my case, I cannot say it is all MLC.  There are some indications.  Maybe part of it is because I rarely see H also. 

[beyondblessed]

Honestly they chose to run away.  Who cares if they are happy or not?  We should only be focused on our happiness, because they sure as hell are not.  Life gets inversely better when you stop looking in that rear view mirror.

[BrenM]

Honestly they chose to run away.  Who cares if they are happy or not?  We should only be focused on our happiness, because they sure as hell are not.  Life gets inversely better when you stop looking in that rear view mirror.

Sounds a lot easier than what it is BD 😢

[nah]

Yes, Beyond, the healthier choice is to focus on ourselves.

Like Rossbren I still looked because it's not so easier said then done.

Since he was a vanisher I couldn't look through his phone or his pockets so I checked his band Facebook, I googled his name and address, heck I even dated ANYBODY that had any connection to him in any way (as long as they were single, my only line in the sand).

Sure, it probably wasn't the healthiest of actions, but I often got weak.  I just had to look.

Even now, why after four years am I still here?  Well yes, I do like to help new people, I can't forget that pain and I really do want to help if I make even a little difference.  Another reason?  Heck, I still need to journal, to look back AND forward.  If you read my threads I still have a need to try to figure him out.  Maybe someday I will get sick of it, maybe I won't, but right now I feel I can look and get on with my week.  Sometime I think I look just to see if he will make it to the end of the tunnel, not necessarily for reconciliation more for just plain old curiosity. 

Until BD, I didn't really think of MLC as anything but an old guy buying toys.  Now I watch my husband from a distance and he follows the articles/script every single step of the way.  I find it fascinating.  If he does make it to the end of the tunnel I want to be here to share it with everyone who is in pain.  Maybe it will help somebody.

So yes, I agree, it is way healthier to focus on our own happiness and leave them twisting in the wind.

I'm still going to peek while eating brownies for breakfast instead of going to the gym.