[Buggy31]

My H was subjected to emotional/mental abuse by mother and father.  However, I have a feeling there may be a sexual abuse component and I don't have any evidence but many signs.  The altar boy issue came up for me early in the crisis so it was interesting when it came up for me yesterday.  My H has been in therapy for 2 years and during a joint session that I was called in on my H talked about how he lost his spirituality and he STOPPEd going to church which was always an important part of his life.  It was so abrupt this STOPPIng...no reason except he said that he "wasn't buying what they were selling"...His therapist asked if that was related to how the catholic church regards homosexuality because of his gay brothers but H said no and said he didn't know what it was about.  So it's a thought.   

[justasking]

Buggy

That is so interesting.

My H would also have nothing to do with the Catholic church as an adult and infact our children are christened in the Protestant church. When we went to church although he was allowed to take communion he always refused.

It has certainly given me an avenue of thought as well.

xx

[In this for ME]

Mine attended Catholic School and was punished by the nuns I think for asking why weren't there dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden...

I know he hated the school but I never really got into it with him..something for later I guess. I did bring it up in the things he needs to address a couple  of months ago.
No alter boy that I know of.

Father was a control freak and used humilation a lot. Mother emotional fencepost..still is.
I think maybe EXH's expectations to his mother from his father would include some kind of defending him;which she didn't and you can bet your butt if he had tried that crap with our daughters he would have been called on it.

I actually went toe to toe with his father once over the way he treated ExH before we were even married. He cleaned up his act some but still suble remarks were made here and there from time to time.

[unbroken]

My H was Lutheran.  Do they have altar boys?
I really don't think H was sexually abused in childhood.  I do think that he felt somewhat rejected by his F, but don't really know.

[Shantilly Lace]

dearheart was emotionally and physically abused by step dad.

[Covenant for Life]

My H was raised Lutheran, so was not an alter boy.  However, his father was a workaholic and not around during H's childhood while H's mother can be cold, withdrawn, and unaffectionate.  So, I believe that to this day H has problems relationally because his relationship with his parents was poor and H never felt that he was loved growing up.

[whyme2]

Anybody know of any research/articles that shows childhood abuse (in whatever form) linked to MLC?

[BraveNewWorld]

It is an interesting topic - just a coincidence?

My wife was physically, emotionally and sexually abused. The latter by at least three different people - two of which were close relatives.

I posted on another site about women in MLC before posting on this site. It turns out that most of the MLC women on the site including the founder of the site, and another woman that messaged me directly were survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

My sister in law is a therapist and has dealt with a lot of cases of such survivors. She cried when I told her about my wife. She was shocked and said to me 'BNW, I'm sorry, but I deal with this a lot - I didn't know that your wife had such a problems - they are enormous and if she is only facing them now ... I know that you're patient, but they're just such big issues'.

In my wife's case, many of those issues came to the surface when her father died. She did tell me of one of them a few years ago and I didn't know how to react, and didn't have the sense to seek counselling. I did reassure her that I loved her and that she was an innocent victim. But such abuse, especially by a parent is an enormous wound - and I didn't understand that at the time.

I've been reading a book recommended to me by a survivor of such abuses: http://www.amazon.com/Wounded-Heart-Victims-Childhood-Sexual/dp/0891092897 and in that book it talks about how survivors of childhood abuse relate to others. Survivors can have difficulties with intimacy, and from my understanding, they can equate 'normal, everyday' abuses such as impatience or emotional ignorance as much more serious abuses such as physical or sexual abuse.

That book is very painful to read. I can't imagine how it feels to carry such hurt.

I'm a practicing Catholic. I attended a Catholic boarding school and was taught by priests. Somehow, thankfully, I avoided any sexual abuse. I have a feeling that my brother may have suffered, because he has MLC-ish type issues with my father now. My brother has had a lifetime of trauma - he is a doctor and was on call to clean up after bombs and violence in N.Ireland - he is as close to an angel as I've ever seen anyone - unbelievably patient and understanding. Anyway - he is 10 years older than me and dropped me off at school once - he said to me, if any of those priests ever lay a finger on you, then tell me right away - it'll be the last finger they lay on anyone!

As a Catholic I'm disturbed and not in the least bit happy with the abuses of the past as well as the way they have been dealt with in the present. I'm not proud of the Church's (public) stance on homosexuality.

I tried to shake my religion in my early 20s, but it didn't seem to let me. To be honest, I've ended up living in very Catholic places, and have been helped by some amazing priests. I've given up trying to shake my religion for now, because like other people on the forum who have felt signs or who feel an inner voice here, I've noticed that my own journey has been mile-stoned by stand-out experiences and people in my faith and I don't think it was accidental.

That said, I won't support my children becoming altar boys or joining the scouts - and I know that is a terrible thing to admit as a Catholic. I struggle with that and some other things in the Church.

Getting back to the thread - I came across some articles that I've been working through, and wish I could have researched much, much sooner.

http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/publications/nfntsxagrsexadult-eng.php

http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/pdfs/nfntsx-handbook_e.pdf

There was another that I can't find right now - I'll add it later if I can.


We can't really tell all the reasons for the disintegration of our marriages or for the change in our spouses - many of the answers are locked up inside them. I know that the death of my wife's father coincided with some of these revelations - nearly all of which had been secrets - some for more than 30 years. Some had been suppressed, but she talked to me vividly about things that had happened to her when she was less than 10 years old too. She told me that she felt worthless her whole life. Somehow what is happening now is a step towards claiming more worth. The logic in me wonders how it can help - I think the way of conquering the problems was to appreciate the value of the family she made herself ... but who knows!? We'll have to see.

I know that I could have been a better husband - too focused on work, or on the children - and I didn't get the balance right - I tried to give as much as I could. I had issues with my own family - but I have much healthier relationships now than before BD - in truth BECAUSE of this. But I am not emotionally equipped to deal with the depth of my wife's abuses. I don't know who is. I was prepared to spend a lifetime listening.

BNW

[LettingGo]

Altar boy, family very Catholic, Father cheated and drank, parents divorced, Mother emotionally unavailable, husband described as "the sweetest" boy EVER!

My husband has been "acting out" since he was a young teen... pretty much felt like he was on his own... younger sister mentally disabled, so she got the majority of the attention. Lots of anger towards his Mother for "driving his Dad away because she's a b!tc#" and also for "Not caring about his kids enough." Some of his perceptions are unfair, but he has had a lot of anger issues... possibly ADHD.... alcohol issues.... low self esteem.... seems to gravitate towards people of "flexible" morality as it makes him feel superior.

Has asked me repeatedly throughout our marriage, when certain subjects came up, if I was ever ABUSED!! Told a story many times about his Mom being late to pick him up from seeing his Dad... he was at the Greyhound Bus station, and someone "approaching him" in the bathroom. I believe that even if no touching ocurred, the fear of it and blaming his Mom for not protecting him would explain plenty.

Has mentioned many times over the years that he "just wants to save someone... be a hero"  I believe OW is physically abusive as well as emotionally blackmailing him... I don't know to what degree, but probably at least throwing her cell phones at him. It's causing me to think long and hard about the things that fly out of my mouth towards him when his behaviors send me into a rage.... although I UNDERSTAND how buttons get pushed and we lash out in a rage, it's wrong.

[Dontgiveup]

The excerpt below is from the article titled Initiatory Experience on this website.  It's under the heading Turmoil and Chaos in the Midlife Crisis link.

MLC is the result of significant wounding in childhood and at a person’s initiatory experience and thus their return to the wounding is a regression wherein they choose to repeat their earlier mistakes in hopes of correcting them rather than applying their experience to make different choices.