[Treasur]

In reading this threat it appears the success of reconciliation of a vanisher is remote at best.  I would speculate that my W will have a hard time admitting she was wrong so will force her new life to work at all cost limiting the odds of her coming back.  Some questions I have for the veterans. 
1)  Do vanisher's ever come back.  IDK...some say less likely, others say makes no difference. Either way, we need to live 'as if' they are not coming back because there is no way to know.

2) What about MLC that change over time?  My W was a Boomerang for the first 2 months before OM.  After OM she was on-off then went 100% vanisher once she started to out the OM?  So what is she or does it even matter? I think that's quite common...my H started as a low-energy wallower for first 6 months or so, did a touch and go, and then exploded into some 'exciting' Replay stuff and became 95% vanisher for months at a time. Does it matter? Only in the sense of what we need to deal with in our own LBS situation....does it matter in terms of their progress? IDK.

[nah]

1)  Do vanisher's ever come back. 

Simple question.  Not so simple answer.

On this forum it seems like the vanisher's have very little chance of return...but why?

*LBSers of vanisher detach quicker so if vanisher's do return it's often too late.
*LBSers have less to write about so they often don't stay on the forum as long (well until this awesome thread  )
*No communication = no relationship.  This is not the same as little communication but I mean zero for years and years.

In real life my father was a true vanisher for about four years (six years after BD).  When he contacted my mother looking for reconciliation she said, "NO WAY!!"

So it does happen.

  2) What about MLC that change over time?  My W was a Boomerang for the first 2 months before OM.  After OM she was on-off then went 100% vanisher once she started to out the OM?  So what is she or does it even matter?

IMO, it really doesn't matter.  I thought mine would be a true vanisher as from the beginning he avoided me like the plague even though we were going through a divorce and needed to contact over financial issues.  His avoidance needlessly dragged the divorce on way longer than it needed to be.  Common for an MLCer but very irritating.

Once it was done I thought I would never hear from him again.  I was wrong.

Now, we will go months and months with nothing and then there is always something.  Even though we still have little contact I have had over the years lunches and phone calls where he actually opened up to me.  Sometimes he feels like he is drawing close and then he will pull away.  I just go with the flow.

It is so very normal to wonder what the heck is going on in their heads, how can they be doing this, what stage are they in and the mother of all questions.... will they come back.

We can't answer any of these questions, we can only guess.

You will hear this again and again on this forum but it is really true.

All we can control is ourselves and the best thing to do is to let them go and focus on ourselves.

[monty]

Nah if he came begging to you and wanted to divorce her ,,, would you take him back?

[monty]

Oh wow I've become a junior member 🤣

[nah]

Nah if he came begging to you and wanted to divorce her ,,, would you take him back?

Short simple answer....
No.

Longer answer...

We are all different and I really don't think I would have too many problems with forgiveness or triggers of him with her.  That was one of the reasons I dated so early, so I could get over pictures in my head of him with her.  However, I don't think his ego can get over me having a life without him.

For me, I don't think that's a bad thing.  In our relationship he was always just a little more important than me.  Those days are over.  If he can't handle (and I don't think he has it in him) that I am as good as he is, then I don't need him in my life.  Ever.

[monty]

Even though I thought I could forget I don't think I could but I haven't fully let go , but I know deep down he could never come back into ours lives as my husband/ father , it will never be normal again as it was ,, I could never trust him or anything he says ,, I know it's over

[nah]

No I never forgot what we had.... nor would I want to forget.

I met The Leaver when I was 17 yrs old and fell instantly.  We were glued together from day one.  Just months after graduating high school instead of going to college we moved in with each other.  Married a year later.

We BOTH worked like crazy for many years.  Had two kids.  Had many ups and downs, way more ups than downs.

I don't want to forget any of it.  It was my life and it was a great life.

Ok, something happened, I don't know exactly what but something happened.  It hurt like Hell.  I didn't know heartache could hurt as much as it did.  Literally brought me to my knees.  I made sounds I didn't know I had in me, I cried more tears than I knew my body could make.  I still get tears just thinking about that pain.

I still don't want to forget.  Why?  That's how I know it was real.  I don't know for sure what's in his head but I know for me it was real.

Why would I want to forget that?

[nah]

So after that post I would like to share a funny little interaction I just had with The Leaver a few minutes ago....

When The Leaver lost his job I took over our son's car insurance.  He didn't ask, I just did it.
So when I lost my job I asked The Leaver to take it back the car insurance payments and he agreed but said the car needed to be registered in son's name.
Last week we changed son's car registration from my name to sons and I sent The Leaver a simple text:
"son" car is registered in his name.  Let me know when it's all set.
Along with this text I sent a picture of the registration. 
He replied, "ok"

I waited a week.  Nothing.

So I sent another one today.

Me: is the insurance all set?

BFL:   a big blah blah blah about how it needs to be in son's name

Me:  ummm... I already did that and sent you a message and you replied ok.

BFL:  Oh,... I must have spaced out.  Can you send me a copy of the registration?

Me:  I already did that too.  Scroll up, it was only last week.

BFL:  I don't have it.  Can you resend?

Me:  Son now has the copy.  Why don't you have the message I just sent you last week?  (I already knew the answer but I wanted to see what he would say) 

BFL:  I go through my texts pretty regularly so I don't have hundreds.

Me:  Haha...sure.

No response.

I don't know about anybody else, but I never deleted any texts unless I felt the need to hide something... which happens to be never, so I have never deleted a text.

[monty]

We were together wen I was 16 pregnant at 17 , I'm now 43 , he's 45 , I thought I knew him ,, like you said nah you were a step behind him I was too that's a good way of putting it ,, he was my everything ashamed to say still is , he was my first boyfriend I don't think I have the ability to try this again , I don't think I want too but at the same time I don't want to be alone ,, and the sad thing is he knows me but I can't changexx

[monty]

Don't get me wrong I can survive and have kept two jobs and a business running while he has gone so I don't need a man , just want someone who will love and respect me like I think we all deserve 🙃, I will never relies on another ever again , wen my little business is built up it will be for me and my kids only ,, that barrier is way high , x