[waiting4]

Thank you bluerose for keeping our vanisher/low contact club going. 

For me, it's been very quiet in vanisher land, I haven't heard a peep since the week before Christmas when he wanted our son's girlfriend's last name for a gift.

You would think since she attended his wedding, my son and his gf have together for over two years and they now share an apartment, that the Leaver would know her full name. 

Anyways, this is hands-down my favorite thread.

I wonder why no one has made a clinger or a wallower thread yet.

 

I have wondered the same thing, why isn't there a clinger thread and a wallower thread..I can honestly say that for myself I have no idea what my H is.. vanisher , clinger...boomerang...

[If_only]

I put this question on my thread today but I don’t have too many on
My thread and wanted to get advice from as many as possible plus this thread is really helpful.  I think when you do have a vanisher  it is a different way but the same MLC goes on.

So I do have a question and would like some advice. After talking to h - it was made clear that h would be staying in his R and that he is happy with that. H is upset about his relationship with the kids and blames them for not working at it even though h barely contacts them.  H missed me as a friend and will now respond back and forth with me - none initiated by h.  H will not be around me as he doesn’t want OW to leave so she is his priority now. All of that he told me. I do not have a problem initiating contact daily with light hearted subjects or news.  I’m trying to keep communication open as over the last 5 months he has been a vanisher to his family and I think it was comfortable for him as he was in that relationship more and more with less and less interest in coming out plus h could blame everyone else for not keeping in contact. To be honest, I am not sure h will ever come back as he is so into this R it seems hopeless to me. However, it has given me the incentive to do all the GAL I can and hope for something good to happen for me in the future as right now h is not there for me.  My question is what do you think of light hearted contact with news iof family etc if it doesn’t bother me? Should I do it in the hopes of h having a road  home and keeping his interest in the family he has been running from?  Hugs: IF

[Rising Phoenix]

If,
I don’t know about others but for me it makes no difference whether I keep him informed or not as ow takes priority no matter if I keep him informed or not.
Tbh keeping him informed and trying to get him to have a relationship with his children only caused more heart ache for my children when ow took priority over them and he let them down.
To me it sounds and I cud be wrong but cake eating springs to mind. He has his ow and his wife as his friend on a daily basis.
Will this be beneficial for you? It will for him but you need to do what’s right for you.
You can still leave a road home without daily contact.
My h is in teenage mode if the kids don’t contact me, why should I bother! My children don’t contact him as they get no reply while ow about and he let them down constantly.
Also and again this is just my opinion from my own experience, it is not my job to build the bridge between my h and his children. I have tried and if and when it backfires I am to blame.

You must do what you feel is right but at the same time listen to your heart  but take your head with you . Xx

[If_only]

I do believe you are right RP- I don’t think it is right if I do keep him updated on the kids because then it gives him less reason to contact them and I do know it can blow up on me very quickly.  If I lost the kids over this - H is not worth it. He has made his priority clear and I did notice that he lets it  slide with the kids because of her.  So what do I do?  I’m so confused - after many years together do I go silent? Is that what it comes to ?  Don’t talk to a person who has been in my life for so long? It seems wrong to walk away.  Yet if I don’t initiate contact - h is gone and most likely never to contact or care.  I have to make the decision soon as if I stop initiating I see no future contact. This could be the last time to keep contact up and if  I don’t - I doubt if he will respond - 6 months down the road as I think he wants to be a vanisher with us all - and once that totally happens - I think he will never return from the choice he made as he will always think he did the right thing. In my heart I think I am being too nice  - h won’t care about the hurt im my lifetime anyways.  Hugs: IF

[If_only]

And yes I speak from fear of losing h altogether even though it feels like he has left - i am trying to hold on to a piece of him, sadly and I’m sure this may go against my self respect!

[Rising Phoenix]

I think most on this thread have had a cake eater for a couple of yrs and tried to keep some form of contact to have our h in our lives but they have still vanished. Tbh I don’t think it will make much difference as if he wants to vanish he will. After 30 yrs I want nothing more than my h to text or ring and ask anything. Even an up yours would be something but ow has put her foot down and that’s it.
I have found that even with contact from us they don’t respond and vanish if they want to any way. I am in no contact not by choice but have now succumbed to not reaching out with any info as no response hurts me.

I have to face the fact that I may never see his face or hear his voice again and neither may our children. I cannot force him to contact us or respond. Trying to, gets me blocked and further away.

If you wish to keep contact, I personally would not do daily and in time you will either be ok with that or you may find the total lack of response or caring will result in you walking away and accepting you will never see or speak to him again. Only time will tell how much you and your children can with stand.
Hugs. Xx

[If_only]

Thanks again - my kids are adult-  they still struggle with it but I don’t know if they know they won’t have him in their lives.  They think since they are not responding to his once in a while contact that he must miss them but I can tell he is not really going to make an effort to see them and he lives away from them. So  I don’t talk about that to them but I’m sure they will see once they are ready to connect with  him. I know everyone probably fought for hat connection ini the beginning and still  ended with a vanisher.  I see that this will most likely happen to me.  So, other than GAL is there one thing I can do to shake this MLC up before it is too late - most likely too late now. Is there something you wished you would have done in the beginning before your vanisher did vanish ? If there was something I could do to shake it up I would do it as this seems to be where I am headed to vanish land at this time. Hugs: IF

[Rising Phoenix]

I asked my father the other week if he regretted leaving my mother at the age of 47 for an ow.
He married ow and is still with her 35 yrs later. My sister and I tolerate her and my dad even now stills try’s to make us love her. ( have you rung ****, have you said thank you to  ****.

Both my sister and I let our children call her granny and she did help raise my children while I was at work when they were younger but has discarded them now her own children have children.

My sister and I do not call her children brother or sister and although my dad calls her children aunty and uncle to our kids, our kids don’t call them aunty and uncle..

My dad vanished from my mums life, he did return once but ow claimed him in the middle of the night. My mum moved on and got a boyfriend and my dad said he wouldn’t have her back now!!  My said said he wasn’t welcome back any way

His  relationship with ow has not been a happy one and they get at each other all the time when in each other’s company but mainly avoid each other.

So back to did my dad regret it? The only answer I got was “ I made the decision and had to live with it!”  I think that could possibly be a yes I do. Xx

[Rising Phoenix]

I’m so sorry you are going through this if.

Tbh if I could change one thinkg, I would have detached at the beginning and let him get on with it. There is no magic thing to shake it up I’m afraid. Even if you try a mlcer will normally turn it against you. You are being unreasonable or you are harassing or you didn’t listen.

Their minds are such that you are the reason for their life being in such a mess.

Although I am quite far into mlc land, I am not a hero member or mentor.
Perhaps pm your mentor as they are a godsend and barbie is excellant. Xx

Xx

[Tyks]

If, I tried and tried until I was blue in the face to keep the connection going in the early days. It didnt matter. Nothing i did worked and tbh, he lost his connection to me long before he decided to leave. He has always been a vanisher and we have no contact.

Question, would any of your friends treat you the way your h does?

Leave him to it. Put the focus on you. I know it is hard. I still struggle with it but you have to try.