[Rising Phoenix]

Hi all
Can I ask if anyone has had a clinging boomerang that vanished whether they became a clinging boomerang again or reconnected or did they remain in vanish land.
 
I just wondered xx

[Nas]

Nas,  I am pretty sure your vanisher takes the cake for most disgusting mlcer.  I am sorry he is so cruel

The worst part is that he wasn't cruel before.  Right before I got diagnosed, he actually had opened up more than he had in the previous few years, texting me and telling me a few details about his new life. 

And then he texted me on my birthday for the first time since BD.  And then...POOF...he vanished.  There was no monstering or cruelty leading up to it.  He just disappeared.  Makes it so much more confusing.

[CallingHeart]

Saw this today on my FB feed:

BLESSING FOR UNREQUITED LOVE
A blessing on the eyes that do not see me as I wish.
A blessing to the ears that can never hear the far inward footfall of my own shy heart.
Blessings to the life in you that will live without me, to the open door that now and forever takes you away from me, blessings to the path that awaits you, joining with another.

A blessing for the way you will not know me in the years to come, and with it, a blind outstretched blessing of my hands on anything or anyone that cannot ever come to know me fully as I am, and therefore, a blessing even, for the way I will never fully know myself, above all, the deepest, kindest wishes of my own hidden and untrammeled heart for what you had to hide from me in you.

Let me be generous enough and large enough and brave enough to say goodbye to you without understanding, to let you go into your own understanding. May you always be in the sweet central, hidden shadow of my memory without needing to know who you were when you first came, who you were when you stayed and who you will become in your freedom now that you are passed through my life and gone.

~David Whyte and Many River Press 2018

[20thcenturygirl]

Oh my goodness CallingHeart, that is so beautiful and so appropriate and made me cry buckets. 

[nah]

Hi all
Can I ask if anyone has had a clinging boomerang that vanished whether they became a clinging boomerang again or reconnected or did they remain in vanish land.
 
I just wondered xx

I've been on this site for almost five years.  From what I remember, yes, it is common for many MLCers to change "types", and what I have noticed those who change types often go from clinger/boomerang to vanisher.... usually because of pressure from the other woman, I haven't really seen vanisher to clinger/boomerang.  Your husband seems typical where he is too weak to put up a fight.  To be honest, there are very few reconciliations on here especially from the vanishing husbands.  Not that it's not possible, I just haven't seen any that I can remember. 

I know this is extra tough on you, almost like a new bomb drop where you almost have to start over in counting how long since he left, again, it's like a new bomb drop date.

The good news is (as good as I can make in anyways), is the pain of the LBSers of vanishers is like ripping off a band-aide.  Yes, I believe it is more painful at first.  Almost like going cold turkey off of Heroin.... BUT.... in the long run, you will see, you will heal faster.

Will he come back?  Easier said than done but don't focus on that.  He came back, what?  10 times?  I never went through that craziness but he really did you no favors but keep you in an eternal "pick-me dance".  Now he's is gone... put his memory in a box and get out there and dance.  This is YOUR time.  Live so damn big that if he does come back, you just might not care.

[Nas]

This isn't the situation with my H, but for those of you where your H became a vanisher because of pressure from an insecure OW, I often think that even though you can't see it, the resentment must build and build over the years.  The more the MLCer is forced to give up to appease the OW, the more I'm certain that at some point, they will grow to resent the OW and blame her for how they feel.

At some point, they have to realize that what they did was supremely sh*tty and cowardly and then they feel guilt and shame and they can't reconcile those feelings because they vanished and now they can't talk to the LBS about it, so it just compounds and they have to keep trying to smother the knowledge that they're sh*tty cowards to keep it out of their mind.

When they felt like crap in the marriage, they blamed us.  When they continue to feel like sh*tty cowards for vanishing and causing way more damage than was necessary, who are they going to blame?  Not themselves.  Who made them vanish?  Who pressured them to do such a sh*tty, cowardly thing?

It might take a long time, but I really do believe in those cases, they will come to blame the OW and the resentment will cause the relationship to implode. 

[Tyks]

Great advice,  nah!

[Milly]

Nas, I liked your reply. I do feel that everything you said has to be true. The problem is how long will it take for one of our MLCers to reach that point. Of course, that's the gamble for us LBSs. When it's my vanishing MLCer, I only see doom, when it's someone else's, I see the script, the typical MLC phases. It's all so difficult. It makes me think how torturous it must be to be a parent of a kid who has disappeared or been abducted.

[stillbaffled]

This isn't the situation with my H, but for those of you where your H became a vanisher because of pressure from an insecure OW, I often think that even though you can't see it, the resentment must build and build over the years.  The more the MLCer is forced to give up to appease the OW, the more I'm certain that at some point, they will grow to resent the OW and blame her for how they feel.

At some point, they have to realize that what they did was supremely sh*tty and cowardly and then they feel guilt and shame and they can't reconcile those feelings because they vanished and now they can't talk to the LBS about it, so it just compounds and they have to keep trying to smother the knowledge that they're sh*tty cowards to keep it out of their mind.

When they felt like crap in the marriage, they blamed us.  When they continue to feel like sh*tty cowards for vanishing and causing way more damage than was necessary, who are they going to blame?  Not themselves.  Who made them vanish?  Who pressured them to do such a sh*tty, cowardly thing?

It might take a long time, but I really do believe in those cases, they will come to blame the OW and the resentment will cause the relationship to implode.

Well if you're right on this, Nas, I sure hope I get to see it.  I know without a doubt I would enjoy seeing her get treated like he has treated me. 

[Rising Phoenix]

H not seen s15 or d13 for 9 mths. Drops cards for xmas and b days off in the middle of the night with car running up the road with ow in it. Even does 3 point turn so doesn’t have to drive past the house. No longer gives kids presents. Xx