[everhopeful]

Hey all, I've been thinking about my stand lately and something I think about a lot is why am I hanging on to this when I know that I could move on and have a satisfying life and most likely a new relationship? I know a lot of you have been doing this for a lot longer than me. What is keeping you in your stand, especially when it comes to getting involved with other people?

[Truly]

Hi Ever,  I will tell you the reason I stand....  The #1 reason is because the person I fell in love with (my MLCer H) is not currently in his right frame of mind, I know this man VERY well and everything that he once stood for has been replaced with really bad logic...#2 is that I also feel that being his wife I should try my best to understand that this is an EMOTIONAL CRISIS,my H is NOT AT ALL like the man I see before me - there is something seriously wrong with him, hence for "better or worse" and I take my wedding vow's seriously. #3 I LOVE HIM, and I will try my very best to keep my family from getting torn apart.  #4 The LAST thing I want right now is a NEW RELATIONSHIP, life without my H has been hard but it hasn't been unsatisfying, I can create my OWN HAPPINESS from within - I have MANY things and people to be greatfull for, my H is/was just a part of my life (a very BIG part I might add) and I dearly MISS him, but he didn't define my life, he enhanced it.....With that being said, I will stand for ME, and time for me to heal and become whole again, if my H finds me during this time that would be a plus, but if not, at least I know that I STAYED TRUE TO MY MORAL VALUES AND WEDDING VOWS, and that I will have a clear conscious to proceed into the next phase of my
journey called life....And that is why I STAND......

Hugs,

Truly 

[OldPilot]

Excellent Truly

Does anyone know who wrote the wedding vows?

They must have been pretty smart IMHO?
and they must have known about MLC, to be able to write them into the vows like that.

What does anyone else think?

[wondering]

I agree.. I stand for the love of my H and I meant my vows. I also think that unless the marriage is beyond repair that "moving on" could only bring more heartache. I want to know that I did everything in my power to try and make it through this difficult part of our lives. Plus there are no guarantees that the grass is greener, that I might not meet another, fall in love again only to go through this again.  I have been emotional, financial invested in this relationship for 23 years and I owe it to myself to see this to the end.  I also believe, from what others have told me and from what I have seen here, that you will truly know when  and if it is time to end your stand.

[JAG]

Truly,

I 100% agree with every word you said.  I ABSOLUTELY LOVE my H! He was IT for me.  He did not complete me, he did not take away from me....he simply added something....without him I am still whole, with him I am simply greater than a whole .....I also stand for my children since they are too young to stand for themselves....

I loved what you wrote Truly!

[Peony2012]

everhopeful,
thank you for bringing that up.

I feel I have been a bit 'wobbly' in my stand recently, hence I appreciate the conversation.

I second all of the things Truly has written. This for me is about being honest to myself, and as long as I know that I would take my H back no matter what, I will continue my stand.

However, I have to say that (2 years post BD) I sometimes secretly wish I could move on. I am 36 and H and I had been planning to have children. I keep feeling that I am coming close to the end of my journey, when H doesn't seem to be anywhere near the end of his. The loneliness is beginning to get to me a bit.

Right now, I know have to follow this path though and I keep praying for a positive outcome.

peonyxxxx

[StillStanding]

I Stand because I love my wife, and I see her crisis as a phase she has to go through. My hope is that she will reach a point where she chooses to be with me again, and I am willing to give her the time to come to that decision.

Also, there is no guarantee that a new relationship with someone else will be better or any more likely to last; it's a fact that the likelihood of divorce in marriages after the first goes up. Which makes sense; once you have chosen to believe that a marriage is unsalvageable, you are likely to come to that conclusion in later relationships as well, and often more quickly.

As for getting involved with other people while Standing? I don't.

[hobo1]

I understand everhopeful's question.  I've been contemplating this for a good long time myself.  Many write that their spouses are currently in crisis, and they are not themselves.  How do you know that this is not the new 'them'?

In my case, not much really has changed...  She is still doing all the things she used to do, just without me.  There really is no hatred, or monster...  just that she wants to live alone, and be a single mother.  Because she doesn't love me anymore.

I've come to realize that she does have an Avoidant Personality Disorder.  Something that I didn't even know about.
I've come to realize that those with this disorder may not be able to fully meet a spouse's needs emotionally.  She could never talk to me heart to heart...  I knew something was missing in her...  I always wondered why I was able to talk to my sister and many other friends freely, but I couldn't do the same with her.  I just couldn't pinpoint what it was.

In all the time that we've been together, I can count the number of disagreements (arguments) we've had in one hand.  That is also abnormal.

I feel so sorry for her.  Those with this disorder are so afraid of conflict, that they 'pretend to be happy' and let others have it their way.  They are so afraid of someone not liking them, and ridiculing them that they prefer to have no friends.

My ex has no friends in the 23 years I've known her.  I thought it to be a bit odd, but accepted it.  She doesn't speak to her sister nor her mother.

Although many of the things she has done showed signs of MLC, there is no way for me to be 100% sure.  I have almost no doubt that she has an Avoidant Personality Disorder though.  There is a correlation between AvPD and MLC.

I've also never had a long term relationship with another woman, so I really didn't know how life could be.  Now I realize your spouse can also be your friend, and meet your needs emotionally.  My ex was always aloof, a bit cool emotionally, not very affectionate...  except in the beginning of our relationship.  She never talked to me at length about her wants and needs...  never 'dreamed' with me.  Everything we talked about was very task or moment driven.  What to eat, what to do for the kids....  etc.  She always seem to have a mild level of depression....  never really joked or laughed.

Even our kids say mommy never laughs...

If you are to stand, how do you know how long to stand for?  Perhaps my ex being divorced, no longer needs to pretend that she is happy, and pretend to like the things I like...  or pretend to be the happy stay at home mom.

Getting a job may be difficult for her....  and finding another man to marry....  not sure how easy that is too....

This just means continued lifetime alimony for me.  I really love her, but I wonder why I never saw this evident personality disorder in her...  perhaps I did, but dismissed it.  I knew she was a little off, but didn't know it would affect so greatly.

I know that there are no guarantees in another relationship, and there are so many damaged souls out there (myself included) that finding someone else seems like a gamble.  I have not given up on hope and love and marriage.

I still believe in it, but if Ex was to R with me, what's to prevent this from happening 10, 15 or 20 years from now?  At that point, 'starting over' would be impossible, and I would be looking for a dependable companion to take care of me, and me of her.  I've never had so much doubt about my future as I have now.

It's 20 months after BD, and we are complete with our D, and our marital home is finally sold.  I've always cycled between wanting to stand, and wanting to move on- even since the beginning right after BD.  This has not changed.

It is not likely that should would risk the humiliation to come and apologize to me or to see an R.  That is at the crux of her avoidant characteristics.  Even if she did it today, I'm not sure what I would say.

I love her as much as the next stander, but what is best for me and my future?  Many Questions, very few answers.




 



 

[JD]

I don't know why I'm standing anymore to be quite frank.
It defies good sense.

The damage he's caused to our family is enormous. 
My feelings for him are bruised , numb or dead.
Still a strand of something that ties me to him is there. 
I can't explain it.

[Ready2Transform]

The biggest reason is that God told me to Stand.  But my love for my H and confusion over the flip in his personality and actions, combined with the trauma we'd gone through over the last few years and the psychiatric care he'd received, told me he wasn't just making bad choices, something is WRONG.  The love we shared for so long is worth more than to cut and run when even the people around him can see he is not himself.  Our vows, our life, our family...all things that God has sustained in order to provide the time for the healing to happen.  I Stand because it's what feels right.