[lost88]

Is it normal for a Mid-life Crisis wife to tell her husband that she’s no longer attracted to him? I have to admit we don’t have sex very often. In fact it’s been sometime. After we had our second child who is now 15 it definitely wasn’t near as often as when we were dating and trying to get pregnant. I figured it was postpartum but it never got back to normal levels. She told me she’d work on it and look into therapy or potential drugs but that never happened. I told her I loved her and if she wasn’t feeling sexual, then that’s something that I would have to deal with. I get the impression with this midlife crisis. Her sex drive is actually increased, but hearing that from your spouse was hard to accept. I’m five 1085 pounds work out daily run lift weights  dress nice and I’ve never been told that my entire life. I was talking to a friend today and I think one of the most frustrating things about this whole ordeal is how this is not yet recognized by professional bodies as a thing. Depressions involved amongst anxiety and a bunch of other issues but when you run into groups like this, and how strange and irrational, their behavior becomes like someone just switched a flip. This is something that should be changed and should be a diagnosis and all these therapists and psychologist should be prepared to treat individuals so they can actually help the left behind spouse and the individual who obviously is having a crisis of Gargantuas proportions, and breaking up families. If most therapist and psychologist, don’t understand what it is and don’t recognize it they’re truly is very little way of getting any type of help at all.

Rant over !

[Dragonfly33]

Hi Lost, I’ve been trying to catch up with your story here and the other newbies. Just wanted to tell you that when I was new this back in 2019 I was so obsessed about these stages. I was stage watching and was trying to figure out which stage my exh was. I can tell you now in hindsight it’s totally a waste of time and energy to analyze which stage they are. Save that energy for tour own healing. Everything they do won’t make sense to us normal people. You’d be just scratching your head. Best advice I got here was to focus on myself and on the things I need for my own mental health. And That was getting an IC.
Ready is so right about everything he said. I still read the advice of the veterans here because even now that I’m not new to this anymore it still helps me and gives me a different perspective.

One thing I also notice with these MLCers is that they all want to be friends with the LBS. I remember my exh told me when worse comes to worst that we eventually separate he still wants to be friends with me. What the heck are they thinking after annihilating the marriage they can still be best friends with their spouse. I remember I told my exh back then, if we ended up getting divorce , I would never be his friend.

[Nas]

Is it normal for a Mid-life Crisis wife to tell her husband that she’s no longer attracted to him? I have to admit we don’t have sex very often. In fact it’s been sometime. After we had our second child who is now 15 it definitely wasn’t near as often as when we were dating and trying to get pregnant. I figured it was postpartum but it never got back to normal levels. She told me she’d work on it and look into therapy or potential drugs but that never happened. I told her I loved her and if she wasn’t feeling sexual, then that’s something that I would have to deal with. I get the impression with this midlife crisis. Her sex drive is actually increased, but hearing that from your spouse was hard to accept. I’m five 1085 pounds work out daily run lift weights  dress nice and I’ve never been told that my entire life. I was talking to a friend today and I think one of the most frustrating things about this whole ordeal is how this is not yet recognized by professional bodies as a thing. Depressions involved amongst anxiety and a bunch of other issues but when you run into groups like this, and how strange and irrational, their behavior becomes like someone just switched a flip. This is something that should be changed and should be a diagnosis and all these therapists and psychologist should be prepared to treat individuals so they can actually help the left behind spouse and the individual who obviously is having a crisis of Gargantuas proportions, and breaking up families. If most therapist and psychologist, don’t understand what it is and don’t recognize it they’re truly is very little way of getting any type of help at all.

Rant over !

It’s normal in the sense that someone who is trying to push you away is going to say whatever they can to get you to let go of them. I think we all heard a version of this, it does not matter what you look like, what shape you’re in, if you had sex twice a day or only on Mondays that had the number 5 in them. It’s rejection, it definitely hurts the self-esteem. I know it’s hard but try not to dwell on it. In the end it means as little as anything else.

I wanted to briefly touch on the idea of there not being a diagnosis. It’s normal at first to wish that this was a diagnosable condition, that some doctor could sit your spouse down and tell them “this is what is wrong with you and you need to go home and get well.” But “this” isn’t just one thing. I would be careful not to get caught up in the idea that MLC is one linear process with a specific set of behaviors and actions. There are incredible similarities that happen around bomb drop, but after that every person will be different because of different life histories and experiences, different levels of depression or anxiety etc., different needs, different thoughts and values and wants and desires and on and on and on. And even if someone could diagnose your wife with a condition called MLC, they couldn’t force her to take any actions towards healing. Even in a diagnosable mental health condition like bipolar, the suffer still has free will to decide to take their medication or go to therapy.

[KayDee]

What you wrote about your in-laws - pretty much a carbon copy of my in-laws.  Said parent, in this case the mother, never really properly matured, so they are still looking to get their needs met in immature ways. So the children are always alert to please mother, often preoccupied with this at the expense of their own needs. Hard to develop a strong sense of self in such an environment and could lead to an identity crisis later on. As my therapist put it 'it's very hard growing up with a narcissist parent' (this could be an understatement). This realisation, and related emotional neglect, is perhaps, what your wife is confronting now and it's sad that you are collateral damage in her search for herself. IMO, there's not much you can do but let her find her own answers. Be yourself, because that is who she has loved for a couple of decades, and I doubt that you have changed dramatically. Keep being a stable force and a great dad for both your kids, that's all you can do.

[Biscuit]

Same here with my in laws. Totally emotionally immature and my W has been more of a parent to her mother than vice versa.

[lost88]

Thank you for the replies I truly appreciate them. it’s just so weird that she actually went to her parents cottage where my son is as well. She knew by going there today that she would still have to see her mom for a few hours, but she would rather see her a few hours and have to be at home with me. What’s odd is the other day she told me she doesn’t like to tell me where she’s going. It would rather just come and go as she pleases. I said that’s fine and I would say most often she still tells me where she’s going. Today when she left, she told me she see me tomorrow, and for some reason texted me when she got there to let me know that she arrived safely. It seems like a lot of the behavior is conducted out of old habits or the angel on the one shoulder sometime gets through. I’m seeing less and less of her the last couple of week which is painful but at the same time if she decides to be aggressive and transition out of the home com may or June of this year I’m not going to fight her. I’m amazed at everyone’s strength and appreciate all of your insight! It’s interesting since this has happened. I’ve talked to two other people that I’ve gone through this, but didn’t know exactly what it was. I wish they would’ve found this resource as well to have helped them but instead they left with more questions, and no answers.

[lost88]

A few Q’s for the group …

Why do they lie so much ? About everything, all the time, stuff thats not important? And the scheming that doesn’t even make sense?

 Seems bi polar behavior .. and do meds make our position of an LBS even worse ?

Is the memory loss real or more lies ?

Seek and avoid : what brings this on so quickly and does it level off? This is a problem in my home that’s creating an environment thats hard on the kids.

What behavior change is after week and avoid ?

What triggers what I call shark 👀 eyes? The state where your spouse is emotionless, monotone, and almost possessed ?

The changes in cycling ? I’ve seen a cycle change from low to high in a short amount of time ..I use low medium high for moods of sad/ depressed to neutral, to almost themselves.

As I begin to detach I see things from a slightly different perspective - almost looking in from the outside even tho I’m in the middle of this hurricane called my life …

It’s been amazing the accuracy of predictions from the OG’s of what’s going to happen next. It’s almost like there’s a script they have and follow and we learn our script from this here that have walked before us …

[Helpnewc]

I am not sure about the lies. It is just weird and strange. I suspect it relates to the need for secrecy and to escape your old life which involved trust and togetherness. But the fibs are there.

The memory loss is real and I don’t think convenience. I also think that as the LBS is under stress we can have it too.

It is just a mass of emotions and chaos. Asking why does not get you anywhere.

My wife slept with her door locked for 19 months. She is now sleeping with it open. I guess she feels safe but I don’t think it means much.


She is calmer but still harbours enormous unacknowledged anger towards me. Who knows what will happen. I just gently point out that those who spend time with me including my daughters see I have done the work I needed to do.

It is such a journey. At the beginning she was a saint and it was all my fault, now I know that was crap. I was not a perfect husband but there was nothing that could not have been sorted without a tornado.

But there is not point trying to understand the tornado or talking to it. You just protect your family and yourself and batten down the hatches.

[Baxter1]

I’m with Help on the tornado analogy, you can’t talk to a tornado but you can protect yourself from it. As for the forgetting stuff, I find that as well, their mind is so messed up they don’t have enough  to remember little things.
As for the meds I don’t think they help much, my W takes meds and drinks, anything to help ease the pain thru are going through.
Escape and avoid lasts 18+ months. Mine escapes any chance she can. I think they feel that we  are the cause of their internal struggle so getting away from us will get rid of the pain (spoiler alert it doesn’t, it usually makes things worse).

[mcm64d]

I think what may help understand the memory loss is that imo they are in a panic, at least on the inside. I know when I rush through something at work or even if my mind races, I find I write things down or say things that later I cannot remember what I meant or even that I wrote or said it.