[KellBell]

journaling-

its been about 7 weeks since my last post. Xh came back this weekend for youngest daughter's softball tournament (the irony of the weekend holiday is not lost on me). Some things I noticed.

**I clearly see now the problem was never me or our marriage. This weekend went by and we fell into our comfortable relationship. Laughing, joking, sarcasm, physical flirting. As the weekend progressed and more of the kids came over and joined in- he began to pull away. Became distant and more irritable. Less affectionate with me. You could see the personality shift- like having everyone together was literally draining him.

**He came in on Friday for her first game that evening. Showed up early in the day. Greeted me with a big hug and complimented me on looking great. Met back at my house around noon- had lunch and small talk. Followed me around. He seemed relaxed and like my old husband.

** He was super helpful this weekend. Helped with dishes, packing the car and coolers, hauling all the softball gear around and a stellar dad. UNTIL the older girls came. They are not going to forgive and forget his actions easily. And they are letting that be known. It was hard to see my family in such a way. Lots of conflicted feelings from me. But like I said above, you could see the tension from the girls weighing on him. Pushing him away again.

A few weird things to note.

The plan was for him to take our D10 back with him to his hotel after Friday's game. I had plans (a date actually). While I was out, I got a text that his hotel cancelled his room and that he wasn't sure what to do. Apparently there is big conference in town and rooms were expensive and hard to find. I told him to go down to the guest room and he could stay over and have sleep over with D10. I KNOW I KNOW- WTH, Kell!? Strangely, it worked out fine...we had to leave at 7:30 for the first game Saturday. NO questions or inquiries into my evening or what we did or where we went. Just acted like it never happened. I'm pretty sure he overheard me talking with the older girls later in the day about it. He never tried to find a room for the next night. I looked online- just curious and there were plenty of available rooms at a reasonable rate. So just weird.

He played the perfect dad role pretty well at the tournament. Was it all an illusion? A mask? Just for show? I don't know- but I had plenty of friends coming up to me asking if we getting back together...that's how normal we seemed as a family. It's crazy. By this morning though- he couldn't get far enough away from me. Still paid me compliments and was kind, but avoided me physically like the plague. I could also seem him tensing up, trying hard to keep that mask on.

Referred to us as 'we' several times throughout the weekend. Sadly there is no 'we' as 'we' are divorced.

Told my D10 that he moved away for work. He'd probably move back in a few years. What!? Talk about a flip-flopping and not keeping stories straight.

He talked a lot about himself, his family (dad and Brother) and work. Lots of personal detailed information which is a huge change from his last visit when he was pretty tight lipped about his new life. He never asked about me or mine. What I do, where I work, school, nothing. And still a lot of self loathing and depression talk.


ANYWAY- what I really want to note is that once you detach and see the MLC for what it is (a personal crisis) then life gets so much easier. It lifts a weight to know there's nothing I could have done; I couldn't have loved him more or been more understanding. It was never about me. I am still taking this time to grow and learn and invest in myself, but that I was more than enough and would have given more than enough to make things better. But he quit on us. And I can't do it by myself.

The path to healing and recovery is not just one step. It's a staircase. And all of these little lessons and realizations lift me up another step. Until eventually I'm out of the dark hole that BD threw me into. Every step matters, needs to be acknowledged and felt. So onward I go.

[forthetrees]

Wow. Kudos to you for your clarity and detachment. May the steps onward continue to bring you more peace and joy.

[MadLuv]

KB - good journalling!!
 I would say detachment realization would also be that he quit on himself and not “ quit on us” as true detachment is you realize like you said it has nothing to do with you/us. He is ME ME ME right now. IMHO.  It does seem him giving compliments and joking etc  is some positive  movement and not surprising that he tensed up and changed as the kids came into the picture. They are so unsure of their feelings and they do ( at least my xh always was/is) aware of not wanting to give false hope and feels almost not at home with who he should feel at home with.

Thanks for sharing your day!!! You are doing amazing

[KellBell]

XH left to head back home mid morning yesterday. We had a really good text exchange basically all afternoon. I'm guessing the 6 hours back gave him a lot of time to think about the weekend. I would have stopped the exchange, but it was calm and deep and intentional. We talked about so much stuff. Usually I hate texting important conversations, would rather have them in person or over the phone. But this allowed us to take a minute before responding. Digest what was being said and really think about it. I think that also helped keep the conversation calm. Lots of emotional baggage was unloaded. I could tell at times he was distraught and upset, but he stayed calm and really put thought into his responses. A year ago he would have just quit responding. This time he asked 'why do you feel that way?' and 'was it really like that?' and even admitted that there was a lot he was misremembering.

I know this is a positive step in our journey to heal if we are to ever to have any kind of relationship; friends, coparents etc. Stuff does need to be said and understood. And apologies need to be made and proven. It's all part of the process. He's definitely still spinning but not as bad. The fact he stayed in the conversation (at times it was difficult to hear and say things) is huge. He was open (truthful who knows) but open enough to share things/feelings I don't think he would lie about. He's starting to admit to his own failings. Not close to admitting all his faults, but hey- baby steps.

Anyway- just wanted to note that progress of some kind is being made. I know MLC is one step forward two steps back. But movement is still nice to see. In the end I just want him to figure it out for his own well being. He has such a long ways to go.

[Curiosity]

KellBell, that’s a great development… the main reasons for avoiding relationship talks are twofold, I think. First, it can be hard as the LBS to respond instead of reacting emotionally, at least until some level of detachment is attained. Second, the MLCer can get defensive and angry and can lash out and/or use the LBS’ reactions to justify their own actions. It seems like none of that happened here, and you were able to have a reasoned, reciprocal conversation. And most importantly, it didn’t put you in a place of having expectations of continuing on that same path. Still… I feel like, whether or not reconciliation ever happens or is even on the table, these kinds of conversations do ease the way to eventual reconnection in some form. Often, I think that a lack of reconnection (in situations where the LBS is open to reconnection at all) is because the MLCer waits too long or causes too much destruction, and is too ashamed to even try to make amends.

[Evermore]

KellBell, that’s a great development… the main reasons for avoiding relationship talks are twofold, I think. First, it can be hard as the LBS to respond instead of reacting emotionally, at least until some level of detachment is attained. Second, the MLCer can get defensive and angry and can lash out and/or use the LBS’ reactions to justify their own actions. It seems like none of that happened here, and you were able to have a reasoned, reciprocal conversation. And most importantly, it didn’t put you in a place of having expectations of continuing on that same path. Still… I feel like, whether or not reconciliation ever happens or is even on the table, these kinds of conversations do ease the way to eventual reconnection in some form. Often, I think that a lack of reconnection (in situations where the LBS is open to reconnection at all) is because the MLCer waits too long or causes too much destruction, and is too ashamed to even try to make amends.

I think this is very insightful from Curiosity.

I feel that the adage ‘you can’t love them back, but you can hate them away’ has merit. It’s not just the damage they do through this that can influence outcomes (and of course in some situations they do SO much damage that the LBS is completely justified in saying nope sorry, and walking away). But also the damage we do. You COULD, Kell (as you know) have told him to bugger off. You COULD have used the opportunity of a ‘talk’ to let rip on him. You COULD be vindictive and cold. It takes bravery and strength and maturity to instead really listen and respond. It’s a gamble to be vulnerable with people that have hurt us so deeply. But, for me anyway, and it appears for you, the risk is worth the possible reward (at least for now, that might change).

And I have to say (as I’ve said before) that wow, you got to this place of strength waaaayyy quicker than I did. I’m very impressed with how you are handling everything and I’m following along still for inspiration.

[WHY]

KellBell, that’s a great development… the main reasons for avoiding relationship talks are twofold, I think. First, it can be hard as the LBS to respond instead of reacting emotionally, at least until some level of detachment is attained. Second, the MLCer can get defensive and angry and can lash out and/or use the LBS’ reactions to justify their own actions. It seems like none of that happened here, and you were able to have a reasoned, reciprocal conversation. And most importantly, it didn’t put you in a place of having expectations of continuing on that same path. Still… I feel like, whether or not reconciliation ever happens or is even on the table, these kinds of conversations do ease the way to eventual reconnection in some form. Often, I think that a lack of reconnection (in situations where the LBS is open to reconnection at all) is because the MLCer waits too long or causes too much destruction, and is too ashamed to even try to make amends.

I think this is very insightful from Curiosity.

I feel that the adage ‘you can’t love them back, but you can hate them away’ has merit. It’s not just the damage they do through this that can influence outcomes (and of course in some situations they do SO much damage that the LBS is completely justified in saying nope sorry, and walking away). But also the damage we do. You COULD, Kell (as you know) have told him to bugger off. You COULD have used the opportunity of a ‘talk’ to let rip on him. You COULD be vindictive and cold. It takes bravery and strength and maturity to instead really listen and respond. It’s a gamble to be vulnerable with people that have hurt us so deeply. But, for me anyway, and it appears for you, the risk is worth the possible reward (at least for now, that might change).

And I have to say (as I’ve said before) that wow, you got to this place of strength waaaayyy quicker than I did. I’m very impressed with how you are handling everything and I’m following along still for inspiration.

KellBell is a rockstar IMO.  I wish others could learn how to have that kind of strength.  I know I didn’t have it in the beginning.   But I’m getting there. 

[Evermore]

Why… we all can learn to have that kind of strength! 😉

[MadLuv]

Well, all I can say is I had many calm and seemingly rational conversations with my XH where he seems to have some clarity and early on that can be all not real. Also if you think it is progress early on that can be expectations, so only just a reminder that progress isnt always progress, but they can sometimes respond or say what they think you want to hear. Proceed always with caution!!
I hope it is forward progress!!!!!

[KellBell]

Madluv- I'm not 100% sure what it was. But I know I had no vested interest or expectations and still don't. I'm detached enough that I'm not sure if I'm standing or just caring/worried about a lifelong friend that's going through something. There are no clear cut timelines for MLCers and none for us as LBSers. Some of us move faster than others. It doesn't make us better or worse and doesn't guarantee any better of an outcome. I'm just doing what I need to in order to heal and move forward. We need to quit comparing our situations on here. All of our paths are similar but so different. None of our marriages were the same, the catalysts weren't the same, the behaviors aren't the same - they are just similar enough we can all empathize with each other.

And I know this isn't him coming out or clearing his mind or the fog, it's just movement. Movement deeper into the fog- maybe. movement towards peeking out- maybe. Either way it's movement. And movement is necessary for progress. So I'll take it.

My xh hurt me. Part of my soul may never recover. But for me- I couldn't let him break anymore of me. So I detached early on. Detaching is not a switch that's flipped. It's a process. We say we're going to detach and then it takes time, effort, practice and commitment to fully get there. I'm not fully there and don't pretend to be. But I'm actively detaching everyday. It's like sobriety - a decision you have to make and face everyday. Sometimes you slip and start over. You learn along the way. It's all a process. A journey. And we all travel at different speeds on different roads.

I'm sorry any of us are having to suffer through this. And I don't journal to give false hope or think I'm some example. I just know in my darkest times- I wanted to know everything and anything to get me through those first months. And maybe someone will have a situation similar to mine- and know they aren't alone.