[MadLuv]

S66- So much good advice and feedback you are getting.

You know I am a hopeful person as I think most LBS are. Our characters love deeply and fight for our relationships. What really has helped me is to not give up hope for him and his recovery, but not focus on the recovery in terms of US, but for HIM. Until he works on himself what you had or can have ( as it would change) is not possible.

I think  we stay stuck in the loss of what we had and that is gone and it can never be repaired, PERIOD!! Anything that may come back together will be NEW. This allowed me to totally finally let go. Let him live his life. Hope he finds his way. It brought me to a place to realize I am so fortunate to be ME in this scenario. Doesn’t change having moments of sadness of what is lost, but it does allow you to realize you had no control of it then or now. Most of our pain comes from trying to still control the outcome. Which we have no control over, except in our own life.

[FaithWalker]

I've been off the forum for a bit.  I was happy to see that you are still posting here.  I'm sorry that he did not reach out on your birthday.  Those pesky expectations get us every time.  Sending hugs.

[Schratz66]

Thank you Faith and Mad...

Just journaling a bit.....so, something odd has been happening ......I no longer hope that he will find his way out of this. Do I think he will ? Also not sure.....but what I am sure is that each and every single day he decides what to do and not do in his life and I am not part of his thought process and that is okay.
What is not okay is for me to base my emotional well being on his decisions. And it has not even been a focused decision, last week I just realized that I no longer hope for him to come back.

Every time my mind still heads in his direction, I try to redirect and no longer obsess or allow myself to go there.
Still working in therapy and had some eye opening realizations about me feeling I have to 'earn' my existence.
Also started Acupuncture last week and after the first session I had this odd feeling of peace in my mind and heart. Not sure I had ever felt that.

I saw a great talk by someone that explained why we suffer and why we do not feel enough at times......he said it comes down to three questions we must ask ourselves.....Do we focus on what we have or do we focus on what is missing.........Do we focus on what we cannot control or do we focus on what we can control......and Do we focus on the past, the future or the present.  And if I honestly answer those three questions, since BD I have focused on what is missing, what I cannot control and the past.  And the only one that can change that focus is me.

I know none of this is new, you have tried to tell me, but somehow it just clicked last week. So for now, I am in a good place, a place filled with eagerness to change my focus and to keep learning in therapy and to find more peace within me.

[MadLuv]

That’s how it happens. You don’t realize little by little you are healing and then one day you realize you are detached more and more and accepting of where you are. I still hope my XH finds his way because what affects our kids together and grandson affects me, but I no longer hope for reconciliation. More I hope he can find his way and we can be some what friends again, but more importantly that he becomes his childrens father again. The good thing is you focusing and redirecting your attention to you. You dont have to decide anything in stone. You never know where life will lead you. Just like life changed on a dime with this MLC it can chnage on a dime again.

[Reinventing]

What is not okay is for me to base my emotional well being on his decisions.

Truth, that.

[forthetrees]

Gratitude, energy towards what you can control and being in the present are a great mindset. May this carry you forward.

[FaithWalker]

I saw a great talk by someone that explained why we suffer and why we do not feel enough at times......he said it comes down to three questions we must ask ourselves.....Do we focus on what we have or do we focus on what is missing.........Do we focus on what we cannot control or do we focus on what we can control......and Do we focus on the past, the future or the present.  And if I honestly answer those three questions, since BD I have focused on what is missing, what I cannot control and the past.  And the only one that can change that focus is me.

I know none of this is new, you have tried to tell me, but somehow it just clicked last week. So for now, I am in a good place, a place filled with eagerness to change my focus and to keep learning in therapy and to find more peace within me.

Yes!!!

I hope you are continuing to find peace and the good things that still exist in your life right now.

[Schratz66]

Just checking in...

MLC was so consistent with initiating contact every 6 weeks for 6 years. Since March of last year not a single word or contact. Of course some days it still spins in my head on why the sudden change but then I remind myself that it doe snot matter why and that I have no control over that. Christmas was a tad different this year as I spent it at the ER with my daughter as she was in such terrible pain and dehydrated from a vicious virus. She is much better now and we still enjoyed her visit as always. She no longer mentions him (MLC) at all and I do not either - we are focusing ahead and on things that bring us joy.

As usual these darker month wreak havoc on my depression but that will all balance out again once warmer weather and longer days get here. D wedding is coming up in a few months and after that they will start looking to buy a house. This is really exciting because once they are permanently settled I can find me an appartment nearby and get a fresh start on everything.

I am still focusing on 'intentional living' as I love that phrase and each morning I only focus on this present day and how to make the best of it. This takes so much pressure off one's mind and I don't feel like I have to have solutions and plans for everything that may or may not happen. All in all I am in a better mental space regarding MLC and at this point I no longer focus on it or wish for a certain outcome...it is what it is.

I hope everyone had a good holiday season and is excited about the new year and all the new things to come.

[MadLuv]

So glad your daughter is ok. I am with you. I have really been doing so good, but yesterday had a dip, but I also think the gloomy winter weather adds to it.  I was just thinking today. 4 more months and I can swim again!!!

[Evermore]

What a great update S66. Excited for you re your D’s wedding and the possibility of that completely fresh start in a new place for you. It has a great feel about it. 

‘Intentional living’, yes, I think that’s what I’m also doing. It’s not that all the pain and confusion goes away or diminishes. Instead we grow a new life around it so eventually it seems less significant. I guess it’s the same as that ‘grief’ meme thingy that goes around (with the ball in the box/jar where the box/jar gets bigger rather than the ball shrinking). Of course a big part of what we go through IS grief. Just with the added great big dollops of WTF-ness confusion on top! I don’t know about for you, but for me I feel like I’m still in the middle of transitioning to that new life. If I look one way I see the new life before me. But I can still look the other way and the old life is still not that far behind. It’s getting further away all the time though. And I can ‘look’ at some stuff now without the acute pain (it’s still not always comfortable, but it doesn’t have the sharp edges it used to have). I really try now to NOT look, or at least not dwell, on that past. It takes work but it seems worth it.

So yes, I’m also finding that ‘intentionally living’  is the best way to move forward. I’m so glad you’re also having good results. Here’s to a bright 2024. Please let us know how the wedding planning/wedding/apartment shopping go!