[toomanytearss]

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11417.msg800061#msg800061

My last thread.  Wow that took a long long time to get through.  LOL.  How things change.  I remember the early days when a new thread might last me a week or month.  Something like that. 

Anyway, it's hard to believe ten years is coming up in February.  A whole decade.  So many changes and ups and downs. 

It's kind of strange the way I look at my life these days.  You know back in the day when I'd think about my past it was usually mostly my life with the x.  He was always the star of the show.  Sometimes I'd think back to my childhood, but it was rare.  These days when I go down memory lane it's pretty darn short.  It pretty much starts at the time that I started putting myself together.  Kind of like that is  when my life really started.  Of course, I still go down memory lane about my kids here and there, but those memories are now very narrowed down.  They are usually a specific moment in time and include my child only or me and my child.  Kind of like the x never existed in my life.  He's certainly not the star of my memories anymore. 

I think a lot about if I wish this had never happened.  My answer is not what it was many years ago.  I'm glad that it happened.  The only regret is that it didn't happen earlier.  But that is because my marriage, after looking at it in a clearer way, was not good.  I was not married to a loving, kind, emotionally mature person.  And I was a highly reactive person.  Anyway, it just didn't make for a good marriage and neither of us was smart enough emotionally to know to get some help.  I am in no way saying what he did was right.  It was not right.  But it is what a emotionally immature person with an inferiority complex would do. 

I am in no way saying that I didn't love him and want the marriage to work.  But it didn't work, and couldn't work with the material that the marriage had to work with. 

From all this I have learned and grown.  I've had some rough times, and some times I was almost too scared to move.  Some very sad times and times of such utter loneliness.  I think it was the first time in my life that I had "FEELINGS" that I was not being told by a significant other or a parent how I should feel and what I should do. 

This mlc, they say, is a depression, a coming to the surface of wounds and a decision of sorts for the mlc'r when his crisis is over.  Hmmmm, I get that I guess.  Not really.  I'll never truly understand mlc. 

But I do know this.  I don't know how much the x learned from his crisis.  But I can tell you I learned a lot.  I learned a lot about myself, overcame a lot of fears, learned about people, learned to trust myself, learned to face the worst parts of myself as well. 

I wish I had been able to start my adult life with the knowledge and understanding I have now.  But would it have changed anything in the end?  Who knows?

But time does help you heal if you choose to let it and participate.   

[Dragonfly33]

Toomanytears, thank you for continuing to update is with your life now. Everything you said about memories is what I am experiencing right now. I still talk a lot about memories that include my ex. He is still mostly the star of the show. But that deep pain I felt before during BD and after isn’t the same anymore. It does get lesser and lesser. I hope one day, I can say those words you said regarding your mind set and your thoughts now.  It sounds like you are totally healed now. I have noticed I feel more and more confident now. Unlike before I was very dependent on my ex. I really believe my ex personality was already like that when it comes to cheating and MLC probably reinforced it. Who knows.  Please continue to update us.

[Reinventing]

Thanks for what you wrote at the end of your last thread and the beginning of this one. Great reads.

[Evermore]

But I do know this.  I don't know how much the x learned from his crisis.  But I can tell you I learned a lot.  I learned a lot about myself, overcame a lot of fears, learned about people, learned to trust myself, learned to face the worst parts of myself as well. 

I wish I had been able to start my adult life with the knowledge and understanding I have now.  But would it have changed anything in the end?  Who knows?

But time does help you heal if you choose to let it and participate.   

I’m so glad you (and other veteran LBS) continue to post here TMT. I love your thoughts above. Especially the bolded part.

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching TMT....

[toomanytearss]

Well it seems like this Christmas season is going to be quite busy. So far this month has been very nice. Except for the fact I took a bad fall and ripped my knee open and I have to go for an X-ray because I might have a fracture as well. So riding season is sort of out for me. Except I did ride today for just a bit. Lol. Shouldn’t have. I’m in some pain right now from it. And my ankle is as big as an elephants leg. But I couldn’t resist. My trainers horse was right there all saddled and ready to go. Lol. He’s a great horse and fun to ride. Lol. I’m paying for that decision now.

Things here other than that have been pretty nice. The x took all of December off. He wanted to be with family for the holidays. It’s usually very stressful when he is around. Especially the holidays.

But he has been quite non stressy so far. He came over and hung all my Christmas decor outside and youngest d helped him. I was at work and I couldn’t do it this year because of my leg.

He has decided he wants to learn to ride and has been taking lessons 3 times a week while he’s here and apparently he is loving it. He asked me to watch his lesson today so I went. He’s doing well. He said he sleeps so well after his lesson day. He has completely cleaned his house and decorated for the holiday. He usually just sits in his house and watches tv. He is taking lessons with my trainers. They have welcomed him and have invited him to go with us to our Christmas barn dinner.

He came over on Sunday to spend some time with youngest d and me. She wanted to play cards. He picked up all the ingredients for a charcuterie board and he and youngest d set it all up together. We played cards and ate and talked. It was a nice night.

Our oldest daughter had a family dinner last week and we all went and everyone had fun. He was nice and laughing and eating and being a normal human being.

Youngest d is having her birthday celebration next week and chose to do that with me and included her dad. Her choice. She asked him.

They have also planned a birthday lunch just her and him and then they are doing some cooking together for the Christmas dinner. All the family is coming to my house. So they are going to go over the stuff they want to cook and then picking up all their groceries for that. He asked her to lunch and she accepted.

I am very happy for her that they are finding their way. He is learning to just be her friend. Not to push. So she’s letting him in a bit. I’m hoping very much that he continues to help his relationship with her grow. They were never close and when all this happened she felt like he threw her away. Like she didn’t matter. No child should go through that.

I didn’t make a big deal of it. I just said oh that sounds like a nice day. She just smiled.

It really makes me happy to see the kids being able to work through all this with their dad. And that he’s finally understanding and making the effort. He’s going to our sons house tomorrow to help him with some home improvements. Our son bribed him with cheesecake. Lol!!

The x and I had a talk about where we are as well. As I told him we are both on the downhill slope now. It’s not fair for either of us to be in this weird holding pattern. We either need to put in the work to move forward or let go and find our happiness elsewhere. He agreed. And we agreed that if we decide to move forward separately that we will continue to be friends and be good to each other and be there for each other. We have a lot of years together kids together and we’ve suffered a lot of devastation. Neither of us wants to go through that devastation again.

So we have set aside a day to sit and talk through some things and try to figure out what path we each want to take.

Either way we will be fine I think. As long as we all continue to have care for each other the family will be ok either way and so will x and I.

The only down side of things right now is my brother. He won’t be coming and I’m actually relieved. He and his girlfriend who he’s been with 10 years are parting ways. He was cheating on her. With 3 other women. She is devastated. I am so pissed off at him. She is such a kind person. For him to do that is messed up. Wasting 10 years of her life.

He’s been doing this for the last 6 years. She found the evidence on his phone. I told her to check his phone. She was feeling like something was going on. She found everything. I wish in some ways I hadn’t encouraged her to do that. The crap he said about her to his side pieces was horrible. She’ll carry that in her mind for a long time. But I wasn’t sure that’s what was going on but if it was I didn’t want her to stay and keep putting up with his stupid crap he was doing to her.

I wouldn’t even be able to look at him if he came here. He’s done this before. It’s how his marriage ended. And one of the side pieces is the same scum bag that he cheated with when married to my sil. He’s learned nothing. And he saw what he put my sil through and what I went through.

So I’m glad he’s not coming or we’d be like when we were kids during it out in the yard. Grrrrr…..

[Evermore]

Hey TMT. That is wonderful that x is stepping up and doing the work with the kids. So happy for them and you, long may it continue. Also happy to hear that you're making a move to either move forward, or potentially move apart, with purpose. Very mature of him. Very not-mature of your brother though. His poor GF. We all know what it's like to be bombed like that, especially at the start. Just heartbreaking. Re your knee... no more riding missy until you've had some tests! 

[Reinventing]

TMT, yes, it is hard enough to find out about OW(s), without hearing/reading the garbage thoughts they conjure up about the LBS to justify what they are doing. I think that part elicits the most umbrage from me now because of the time it takes to process that garbage, throw it away where it belongs, and heal.

Even so, it is better to know and have to face that pain, than the insidious undercutting and gaslighting they do when we don't know what is going on.

I always say that seeing him with OW just 10 weeks after BD was one of the best and worst days of my life. At least I could live in reality, even though the pain was indescribable.

[Songanddance]

The x and I had a talk about where we are as well. As I told him we are both on the downhill slope now. It’s not fair for either of us to be in this weird holding pattern. We either need to put in the work to move forward or let go and find our happiness elsewhere. He agreed. And we agreed that if we decide to move forward separately that we will continue to be friends and be good to each other and be there for each other. We have a lot of years together kids together and we’ve suffered a lot of devastation. Neither of us wants to go through that devastation again.

This - this is excellent news TMT and about time too!

To be able to say that you'll be ok with or without the MLCer in your life is a huge step forward.  Because the dependency on them to be part of your life has gone, because the knowledge that your happiness is not in some person but in the good and positive aspects of your own life and choices has arrived. 

I once said to H way back in the early days after BD (when he mentioned that he didn't even like OW and couldn't understand what he was doing but that it felt right... )  that I actually didn't care what happened to us but I did care what happened to the children and that if nothing else we would work this out and be good parents regardless.

I also love love love the way your D is handling this - such maturity in one so young and excellent emotional stability from her too.  Sometimes when we watch our children handle this we learn so many lessons from them. "Out of the mouth of Babes"

[Akkie1973]

I once said to H way back in the early days after BD (when he mentioned that he didn't even like OW and couldn't understand what he was doing but that it felt right... )  that I actually didn't care what happened to us but I did care what happened to the children and that if nothing else we would work this out and be good parents regardless.

Oh wow, my stbx said a bit the same a few months after BD. He said to his friend that he wasn’t very much in love anymore with the OW but he thought the relationship meant something bc he still wanted to see her…. I think that was limerence. Unfortunately the affair is still going on after three years.

Edited to fix quote - UM

[Biscuit]

Akkie,

My W said similar to me, OM probably won’t last (no $h!te Sherlock). But he can be a fun new friend for our kids! Yeah right, so if he’s not going be hanging around then why even introduce him?
Suffice to say he was gone within a fortnight of that statement and his “integration” into our family.

MLC logic eh?

[Songanddance]

Unfortunately the affair is still going on after three years.

If it's any reassurance Akkie - My H's affair lasted 3.5 yrs and then fizzled out gradually.

[toomanytearss]

The new year is here.  I started it with a messed up leg and a pretty heavy case of the flu.  UGH!!!  I'm still not recovered.  I'm still very weak and spent all of the holidays in bed sick.  I did get xmas eve with some of the family before I got sick - or should I say before I knew I was sick.  My son didn't make it for the holiday because my little grandson was sick, so I dropped his gifts and dinner to him and his wife at their house. 

My brother did not come for the holiday.  That was good because I was sick anyway and I'm not happy with him.

I was super proud of his now x girlfriend and how she handled everything.  Girl took her power back!  She waited until her repairs on her home were finished, just played along knowing everything she knows, and when her house was finished she waited for my brother to leave for the morning and packed her stuff and left.  She is staying out of town and when she got to her destination she texted him to never contact her again. 

Can you believe he was shocked?  LOL  He didn't even know she had moved out.  He called me all upset and not understanding.  I just said well that's what you wanted right?  He refused to admit to his affairs.  I let him know that I know, not how, but that I know and even threw out a name of one of his side pieces.  His response was it's not what I think it is.  My response was oh yes it is.  And to please not lie to himself. 

He, of course, is trying to twist it all around.  I'm just not playing into his narrative.  I'm not being mean to him, but I'm not listening to his bs or feeling one bit sorry for him.  And his x has not responded to anything from him.  She's a rock.  She's so hurt but I'll tell you she is standing strong.  I'm so sorry she is going through this pain.  She is such a good person.  No matter what she will always be a part of my family. 

My brother is all over the place.  Started out boo hooing about how he made a horrible mistake.  Which transformed into excuses of they were having problems, but he doesn't want to say anything bad about her, to saying bad things about her, to accusing her of being crazy - and on and on and back and forth.  From being a victim himself, to her plotting against him to how stupid he is.  LOL  The only thing I continue to agree with him on is that he's stupid.  LOL

It's really not funny.  It's a horrible situation for her, his x. 

But here's some input from the mlc xh -
I know you are upset with your brother, but I hope you will keep the lines of communication open with him.  What he has done is very bad, but he needs someone he can trust to talk to.  He's as messed up as me. 

Really?  I'm certainly not tossing him to the curb, but I'm not going to play into and listen to his bs excuses for his bad choices and bad behavior.  I guess they just see themselves as the victim and they need some kind of coddling.  Ridiculous!!! 

[Dragonfly33]

Well done tmt for not consenting to your brother’s bad behavior. These people need to be called out. It reminded me of my xh while having an affair, he started telling families from his side and our mutual friends that I was the problem and that’s why he was leaving me. All the while he was planning a holiday with his ex gf that became his ow. And yet up to this day he still acts like a victim.

[FaithWalker]

I'm so sorry about your health problems tmt.  I hope that you recover soon!

Thank you for sharing about your brother's x.  I hope her life is so joyful moving forward.

[toomanytearss]

I didn't want to take over Songanddance's thread.  There was a question about what it looks like to reconcile/reconnect.  I wanted to address that if I could.  I think each person's situation will be different.  Can you consider letting go of the past and being friends and good parents reconciling even if you each continue separate lives.  I absolutely think that is a form of reconciling.  I mean we were friends as well as spouses.  So becoming friends again and working through the past in my opinion is for sure reconciling.  Just not the romantic kind. 

Also, I think each way of reconciling is different.  Some people go all in,  move in together and work through it the best they can.  Some people take their time, keep some space and work through it that way.  Some trying to reconcile with have a LBS sitting on the fence.  (That's me btw)  So boundaries are very strong and it takes more time and a lot of patience.  (To some that may seem like wasted time, but to me not so much.)

Do I consider my x and I reconciled.  Yes.  But not in the traditional sense.  We have come a long way.  We are good to each other.  Our kids come first.  We help each other out and we are friends.  We get along and spend time together when we can. 

I see that as us being reconciled.  We have put the past behind us for the most part and there is forgiveness and kindness.  I am happy with this type of reconciliation and so is he.  Yes, he would like to progress to more but I'm still fence sitting.  And he understands that. 

Of course, I dreamed of having a romantic reconciliation, as most of us do.  Where x would come out of MLC and rush to my door and want to come home and I would welcome him with open arms.  That is a beautiful dream but it's not my reality.  And I'm ok with that. 

I would rather take many years to evolve into a romantic type thing naturally from shared respect and care and understanding of each other.  If that happens.  I have this second chance at living life on more of my terms.  And I'm not interested in rushing into anything. 

So to sum up - I believe there are several different kinds of reconciliations.  It doesn't just have to be a romantic reconciliation or restoring the marriage type thing.  Sometimes it doesn't even have to be with your SO.  Maybe you are reconciling with yourself.  That can be a pretty great path of reconciling too. 

I understand in the context here of reconciliation threads it is for the purpose of reconciling the relationship.  I was speaking in general, not just in regards to here. 

[MadLuv]

Hope you are feeling better.  Man, bravo to your SIL. Whoaaaaaa!!! That is hard to do. I can remember when my X left and I did the quick divorce. Looking back I still dont know how I did it. The rollercoaster came later

I love that you have a reconciliation as a friendship with “ who knows what can happen” I would love just a friendship for my kids sake and that was always the plan before OWife squashed our chance at that.  I think any type of resemblance of a family is always better.

Thanks for the update!!

[xyzcf]

I agree toomanytears. It might not be possible in the early years to have this type of relationship, but if the LBSer is open to it, some MLCers will desire time with them and the family.

It is hard, when the LBS wants more and some find it easier to cut them out of their lives forever and completely.

Remaining open to all possibilities is a good plan.

My husband has always been what I guess we call a "clinging boomeranger". Talking with my therapist concerning whether or not I should allow him to see us ...and I have written this here before ....she said I can change my mind from one day to the next. I can choose to see him or not...that really is up to me.

And so I have always said "yes" to him.

Sometimes we use the word "doormat"  to indicate that there is something "wrong" with allowing the MLCer to share any of our lives...or "have their cake and eat it too". These phrases are not helpful as they might cause the LBSer to think there is something weak or wrong with her/him to "allow" this.

It takes a great deal of strength, forgiveness, understanding and love to show a MLCer this type of response...for someone that has caused much pain...but it can also alleviate any fear of being in their company and gave me the ability to feel healed because his presence doesn't throw me into a "state" the way it once did.

My studying of many years about MLC has me convinced that he did not choose to go into a crisis....and that the idea that a crisis is the mother of depressions helped me to see him in a different light.

it's been a long time...over 14 years and there are changes in him but we live very different lives. We enjoy one another, he confides many things in me still and I feel acceptance has been the key for me to be much happier than I once was.

But, as we always say, everyone deals with this in their own way and does what is right for them and their situation. There is no one size fits all.

[Reinventing]

It is hard, when the LBS wants more and some find it easier to cut them out of their lives forever and completely.

And sometimes the MLCer has married and even had children with another person. This can change things for some LBS since they want to respect that marriage and have boundaries on engaging with a married man, even if it is an XH.

As an LBS, I'm super sensitive to attempts to encroach on other relationships. If I even get a whiff of someone trying to get too close to me--especially if they complain about their spouse--I shut that down right away. I do that in a lot more direct and pointed way than I would have in the past. In my head I'm saying, buddy, you just tried the wrong thing with the wrong person. You have no idea. Lol

[MadLuv]

My XH is married. That has stopped our friendship. In ways Inunderstand it and in others I think that there should always be respect for the mother or father of your spouses children. My XH OWife is not in any way normal. If she was I think we could all be friends, honestly. If. We divorced and he picked her and chose to continue to pick her in front of me then their would be not reason for jealousy or insecurities. That is a healthy break up of a marriage and healthy statt of a new marriage. IMHO

[toomanytearss]

Well 10 years has gone by since bd. Time flies. That’s a chunk of change. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
I remember a long time ago, towards the beginning of all this, someone told me that compared to 29 years of marriage being apart through all this for 5 or 6 years is just a drop in the bucket. It was worded much better than that but that’s the gist of it. Back then it made sense to me. It just doesn’t seem like such a small chunk of change to me now.
I have gone on with my life. I do have a good life. I am happy most of the time. No one is happy all the time. Lol. I actually have a much better life now. Probably wouldn’t have that if all this hadn’t happened. So in many ways I’m beyond ok with that. But I do have some resentment about it all.
Most of that resentment caused by me because I did live my life but never fully shut the door and moved on. Which left me in a state of limbo of my own making.
And I know it’s my own fault but I resent him for it. Not continuously. It just pops up here and there.
It interferes in my moving forward even now. I sit in the fence with x. I feel safe there. Not making any commitments to him keeps me emotionally safe. I don’t have to make a decision either way. How messed up is that. Lol. Living in limbo now is my safe place I guess.
X continues to improve but a a turtles pace. You really have to be very abrupt with him when he’s crossing boundaries. But he eventually gets it. I can’t figure out if he’s really that dense or he does it on purpose to try to throw his weight around. Maybe it’s a bit of both.
He still has a Debbie downer attitude a lot of the time. And that wears on me. So much negativity from him. I think he’s struggling with depression, he’s even said he thinks he’s struggling with depression. He moved to a new place when he was here from work in Alaska. Youngest d and I helped him move. We walked into one room that he keeps the door closed to and holy $h!te. It was unbelievable. Youngest d just looked at him and said, what are you?  A hoarder?  He just hung his head and said he was sorry. Things just got out of control. When he is home from work he is off 2 to 3 weeks at a time. And I guess he just sat at his house and piled everything in that room.
He goes nowhere but the grocery when he’s here unless I go with him. I got him to take riding lessons when he’s here 3 days a week and he will take those. Because the instructor is my friend and she stays on his butt. Plus I think he feels comfortable with her so he will go without me. But that’s it. He won’t ride the motorcycle unless I go. Has no friends. Doesn’t get out there at all.
And I resent that too. But at 5he same time I understand he’s struggling. But then the resentment gets worse because I’m like where was this firetrucker when I was struggling. He didn’t care one bit.
It’s all so confusing.
I’m not sure how to work through all this.
At least this valentines he didn’t send me stupid ass flowers. I’ve told him and told him I do not like Valentine’s Day and to quit with that crap. I understand it’s difficult for him as well. So don’t get me wrong I get that he sometimes doesn’t know what he should or shouldn’t do. But I’ve been clear about the flowers. I will buy my own. I don’t want any from him. If you know my story you know why. This year he sent me a bag of m & m’s. Lol. My favorite. He’s in Alaska so he ordered them off Amazon and had them gift wrapped. LOL!!!  That was an expensive bag of m & m’s. But I did appreciate them.
I think I’m just venting. This time of year just sits a bit heavy on me sometimes.

[KayDee]

It seems like you have made some important observations about yourself in the last post. That you feel resentment and that you feel in limbo are the one's that stick out to me. And that in your signature you say you are 'done' but in your post you say you are on the fence. A therapist would love to get their teeth into these   You have some much wisdom TMT - I doubt any of us could say anything you haven't thought already. You are coming to terms with your X as he is perhaps - he doesn't, and didn't, have the capacity to support you through hard times (would you say that is true?) . I know that, my H, he cannot take responsibility for anything. And that's not new. He, like many other MLCrs missed some sort of developmental stage - he didn't acquire good coping skills. Lack of coping skills and taking responsibility - they are closely aligned IMO. It may sound obvious, but this pretty much explains most of my H's behaviours. It's something I guess I notice with your X. What's to be done with that?

Thank you for continuing to share. Your posts are always so insightful.

[MadLuv]

TMT- I totally get the resentment at times and being irritated to have moved so far along but to resent that you still resent at times.  I feel pretty ok most the times, but it doesn’t ever escape me that this isn’t what I planned and I am such a devoted and loyal person that it is hard to move on in some ways. When you liked where and what your future looked like it is still a mind F if we are honest that we had this even happen.

 Sometimes I’m just mad that I married someone that was  so undeveloped in their maturity that they did things to myself and my kids I wouldn’t do to my worst enemy ( if I had one) 
I think I just always try to lean into the calm times and that to be honest that I am not him or OWife.  I think it’s great that at least your H is around and talking and shows love to you. That is much better than the ghost that most of us have.

[Songanddance]

Most of that resentment caused by me because I did live my life but never fully shut the door and moved on. Which left me in a state of limbo of my own making.
And I know it’s my own fault but I resent him for it. Not continuously. It just pops up here and there.
It interferes in my moving forward even now. I sit in the fence with x. I feel safe there. Not making any commitments to him keeps me emotionally safe. I don’t have to make a decision either way. How messed up is that. Lol. Living in limbo now is my safe place I guess.

I so recognise this..

However now I realise that it was an important thing for me to go through.    I

You mention in an earlier post that you consider yourself to be reconciled with your H and yet you "sit on the fence because it feels safe"      This is what I view as reconnection because there is an element of safety in reconnection.  The communication between the LBS and MLC are better, clearer, more honest and also from differing but healthy viewpoints.   
To me reconciliation is not the "same old same old"  returned a few years later on .

Living in limbo can only last so long before you realise that decisions have to be made.  They don't need to be big ones but ones that allow you to grow.

H and I have been separated 2 years now and our relationship is better, more open and honest than before.  I will tell H my feelings, my frustrations etc and he will do the same. Before MLC, we sort of kept any intense discussion to massive major moments or events and soldiered on (possibly repressing minor feelings)

I like having my own place.  I also know that I could live with H again. I'm choosing not to for the time being. H and I are fully reconnected and I don't consider us reconciled and that's good with me.

[toomanytearss]

I should clarify. I never meant reconciled in the manner of being back together in a romantic way. We are only reconnecting. I meant reconciled in being at friends. Which I do consider him my friend. Reconciled with the end of the marriage. Reconciled to be good parents and grandparents together. And to be good to each other. We have agreed to continue that even if we never “ reconcile” in a romantic committed way. If that makes sense.
He wants to move forward to the reconciliation as is usually defined here as fully being together as a couple. That is his definition of reconciling. Mine is different and I see reconciling as where we are at. Being friends and being good to each other and working toward a better understanding of each other. Being able to enjoy our family together. I see that as huge compared to what we have been through.
If he and I were to ever find our way to a romantic and committed relationship I would not consider that reconciling. I would consider that a new relationship. I do not wish to have the relationship I had with him when we were married. I do not want to go back to that. So we will never reconcile in that manner.
It’s very confusing how I see things. I understand that. Reconciling can have a different meaning for each person. I have said that the worst part of all this was the manner in which he treated me and the kids. That is what hurt the most. That has been reconciled. And we are at a better place for it. All of that I am super happy about and at ease with.
We have all worked hard to get to this point. Putting many hurts aside and accepting that I’ll never have the full story or understanding of all this. Having to let go of as much of that as I can. The kids having to do the same. And x also having to let go and learn to accept his family who are all very different now. I do consider that reconciling although not in a romantic way.
If this is as far as we get I still consider it a very good thing and I’m content with that.
I still have moments of course where all  the past gets under my skin. I would say that’s normal. But I recognize it deal with it vent about it then put it away.
So if I use reconnected or reconciled incorrectly I do apologize. I just see the meaning of those words differently in my situation.

[Songanddance]

So if I use reconnected or reconciled incorrectly I do apologize. I just see the meaning of those words differently in my situation.

Absolutely no apology necessary.  I fully see where you are coming from and my interpretations of the words do not mean that yours are wrong or misused in any way shape or form.

I think I was trying to help you see that there is a way forward from sitting on the fence and "being safe " or in limbo.