[leannamcg]

Two Threads from the same person are now merged here - UM


Hello,
Not sure if I'm doing this right.  I would like a mentor, and I understand posting a story thread is the way to get one. 

Short synopsis of my situation:
Husband and I have been married for almost 20 years.  In June, it came to my attention that he was "sexting" random ladies on the internet.  I am considering this my Bomb Drop day because it was the first time I became aware that our marriage had serious problems.  Before that, I thought, we just got on each other's nerves sometimes like all married couples.  I never realized I hurt him so much by some of my actions.

 We agreed to go together to marriage counseling, which is huge for him because he doesn't put much stock in that kind of thing.  I searched all summer for a therapist, which turned out to be harder than I thought it would be.  In the meantime, we were both being nicer to each other.  Around the time of the Bomb Drop, he connected with an acquaintance on FB because she made a post about how she was going to commit suicide.  He messaged her directly to talk her down from the proverbial ledge.  He told me about this from the beginning because he realized the timing was awful and didn't want me to worry if I were to discover somehow he was messaging a lady.  I was somewhat upset about it from the beginning and told him she probably was thinking of him in a romantic capacity.  He said he would give up the relationship and after explaining things to her, they both agreed not to contact each other again.

However, I told him if he ever was truly worried she was going to commit suicide, then it would be ok by me for him to intervene. (Dumb me!) Well, what do you know, she starts having these "episodes" where she is driving around in her car hysterically crying, and she calls him.  Twice he goes to meet her, talk her down, and see that she gets home.  This woman is married, but claims it is a completely loveless situation and was just a marriage of convenience.  (I have proof otherwise now.)  Her marriage is one of the things she's depressed about.  So all summer he is texting this woman, whom he claims is just a friend, and as far as I know they do not meet up in person except for these "episodes". Fast forward to the Fall:  He gets an assistant football coaching job that takes him close to where she lives (about an hour from us) every evening for practice.  She invites him over after practice with the incentive of home cooked meals she has prepared.  Well, things progressed from there, and they start having a physical affair sometime in September.

  I continue to be suspicious of this relationship, but not in a mean, jealous way.  I asked him on 4 separate occasions (while crying and shaking) about it, but he assures me it is "not like that".  The last time I wholeheartedly believed him, although I still couldn't understand why he wouldn't give it up when it obviously bothered me so much. Then on evening of December 18, a second bomb was dropped when I accidentally viewed a text come through on his phone that made it clear they were romantically involved.  This time, he admitted to it.  Says he doesn't know why he did it, that he was happier with me than he had been in a long time (because we were working on things), that I did nothing wrong, everything is his fault.  He says he's just been feeling very fatalistic lately, obsessing on his death and old age (He's only 51), and in this mental void where he feels extremely lonely and doesn't know why.  He said before that he realized he was wrong about me not loving him, but that still didn't stop him.  He just thought he could keep it a secret, and that somehow having a "side chick" made things better.

  I asked him to cut all ties with her, and as far as I know, he has done that.  However, I don't know for sure because that's the problem with lying.  Whereas before I completely trusted him as I had never caught him in a lie in over 20 years, now I don't really know if he's telling me the truth.  Thank God I came across this site on FB because everything makes so much sense to me now.  By God's grace alone, I have completely forgiven him for the affair and am ready to start anew.  The problem is if this really is an MLC, then it's so depressing to think that the affair is probably still going on and that he will probably leave me at some point. 

 I would really like a mentor who has been through something like this before.  I cannot tell anyone about this.  My friends and family all love my husband.  He has always been a wonderful, hard working family man.  I do not want them to look at him differently.  The only person who remotely has a clue is my boss because one day he (my husband) sent me an email that sounded like he wanted to separate (he claims that's not what he meant), and I had to leave work because I was crying uncontrollably and mentioned it was about my husband.  Anyway, I would very much love to talk to a mentor.  Thank you!!!

[leannamcg]

Just realized it's 2024 now and that I've posted in 2023, which is archived...Ooops!  Found what looks like 2024 posts, so I will be reposting. 

[Baxter1]

G-

I’m not a mentor by any means but your story does sound familiar to me and many others here. The age, the things he is saying and the way he is acting seems MLCish, there is a quiz on the main  page that can help give you some clarity. BD for me was 3/23, I love you but I’m not in love with you, if you hear these types of of things it’s a sign. My W has an  alienator (affair partner) and they have been together since before BD. I’m so sorry you’re here but you did come to the right place with people who definitely understand what you’re going thru. There are a lot of videos on YouTube,
If you haven’t already search Kenda Ruth and they will come up. Sorry you’re here and good luck.

[GinasPrayer2024]

Baxter1

Thank you so much.  Yes, I did take the quiz and got a positive for MLC.  Also listened/watched Kenda-Ruth's free course and read many of her articles.  All the descriptions she gives are so on point with what has happened and the things he tells me....except the leaving part...he hasn't done that....yet...at least not physically...Ugh!

[Baxter1]

G-

Ah yes, the joys of an at home MLCer. Mine is still home and never left, to say it’s awkward at the house is an understatement. She usually just locks herself in the bedroom and we live together but apart. Mentally I think she is already out the door but physically still here. We had a 5 second conversation yesterday, that’s the most we have talked in weeks. We co-parent very well, when she’s around. She has a tendency to leave for days, that’s happening less and less but she still needs to escape and avoid me.
Enough about me, how are you holding up? Eating, sleeping, taking care of yourself hopefully. It’s not easy but having good support is important. Going to an individual therapist worked for me, good to let it all out.

[GinasPrayer2024]

Things are actually strangely good at home, but I feel I'm just waiting for another bomb to drop.  I am doing my best to detach.  I stopped crying in front of him. I keep my crying sessions to the car.  When the tears start to form when I'm around him, I asked God to take them away and so far He has done it. The crying is no longer about the past affair, but the anguish about what may be to come and my feeling helpless to stop it or to help him.  I have not mentioned the affair, or our relationship since I decided to detach.  Although things are better, it feels like we're just pretending now. 

On a good note, I did something normal this morning, which was reading a book (a novel).  I love to read but have been reading obsessively about marriage, MLC since Dec 18 so it felt nice to read something else.

[lost88]

Sorry your here …
I’ve read more in the last 9 weeks than the last 9 years. Having a roadmap of what’s most likely coming next helps eliminate the unhealthy surprises . We all have good days and bad days but there is strength, love and kindness in this forum.
Life is about perspective …. Day by day it stings a little less as I learn I can only trust myself!

Learn to breath and be grateful for things we have all taken for granted in life ..
Wishing you well!

[GinasPrayer2024]

lost88

I never, ever thought this could happen to us.  (I was naive, obviously.) It helps to hear from folks who have a similar story.  Thank you!

[xyzcf]

Welcome to HS. There will be many people welcome you and give your some things that you can do to get through this. You are not alone.

I never, ever thought this could happen to us.  (I was naive, obviously.)

As you read more stories you will find that one of the hallmark's of MLC is that we did not know there was anything wrong...looking back, many of us saw that they may have withdrawn or seemed different, nothing in our relationships seemed so damaged that it could not have been worked on.

It is not something we encounter, mid life crisis is joked about, the sports car...but this crisis is not identified often.

One main thing to understand is that this is not about you and not about your marriage. So much more for you to iunderstand.

Rear RCR's articles. There is a wealth of information in her work that will help you.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Live as though he is never coming back...we say this over and over again and it is difficult to get our head around this. You are on your own journey now and what you believe about the man you love is very different from the man he has become.

Sorry you have to be here.

[WHY]

Be careful with driving after BD.  I remember people honking at me quite a bit and there was a drive home from work one night where I stopped in my driveway and had no idea how I got there.  I’m not kidding.  A complete blank.   It was very scary…. 

Sorry you’re going through this but you’ve come to the right place.   These are good people.