Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: TheShore on June 29, 2025, 12:02:13 AM
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Hey there, lurking here for a while…
My quick story:
BD1 - 1/17, divorce filed but then immediately she put on hold
BD2 - 6/9, served divorce papers officially
At home MLCer, low energy wallower, clinging boomerang (I think at least now), 39 years old
Unresolved childhood trauma and rape.
She is cycling all the time. Many patterns/examples/too many things to list that fit the MLC mold.
Potential alienator, emotional, affair down for sure, met playing Xbox. Big red flags regarding keeping all devices locked down. Trying to gather evidence without snooping.
I blew up at BD1 but picked up the pieces fairly quickly with learnings from HHH, DB, and here.
And last week, twice intimate after ~7 months
My question - she invited me to come with our 2 kids to her parents place up north for the 4th of July weekend. I’m standing/moving forward…but, should I NOT go because I feel that this is an example of how life would be without me? Or, should I go to spend some quality time with the kids and potential chance of good interactions with her? I’m torn…
All comments welcomed, thanks in advance.
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If it helps, experience here seems to show it won’t make any difference at all to her behaviour/the future of your relationship either way. If she’s in crisis, that’s all going on in its own way and at its own pace regardless of what you do or don’t do. Which makes sense if you think about it…you didn’t create this and you can’t fix it, so most of what you do makes no difference in the bigger scheme of things.
So, although it’s hard we know, I’d stop thinking about her/your relationship as a factor in your decision and focus instead on other things. How old are your kids? How close - or not - is your relationship with her family? How much/what does everyone involved know about what is happening? Do you need to be concerned about her taking the kids and not returning them? (And now that papers are filed, have you sought legal advice particularly wrt to your kids?)
Just my opinion, but I’d probably say that once divorce papers have been filed, you are in a different ballgame. (And that’s very hard for most LBS to really swallow so we tend to avoid some of the reality of that for a while, perhaps even to hope it will all just go away?) So, if I were you, I would choose an option that looks like something you see as appropriate if you were in fact already an ex-husband…..if you were, would you go? Essentially, you grit your teeth and make reality more real, I suppose.
If you were, how would you behave differently than a husband behaves wrt to your kids, your in laws, ypur own approach to those kind of big holiday days, practicalities etc etc? Finances of who pays for what? Reasonable expectations of how co-parenting works if you are divorced? Of what you are prepared to do as an co-parent who is no longer a husband? Or not. And how much you want to tell your kids and others about why/how things are going to be working differently from here on?
Does your wife have a ‘plan’ she has shared with you now she has filed for how she sees things working? Is she planning on moving out? Or does she want you out? What about your kids? And practicalities like money? (I put it in speech marks bc most MLC folks don’t have much of a plan. Well, not much more than ‘I will be magically happy now and everyone should just fall into line to give me what I want at any given moment’!)
I’m very sorry that you find yourself needing to be here but we’re a pretty nice gang and we get how odd and difficult it is to adjust to a life change you never chose for yourself or your family. Again, jmo, but I found that the universe sometimes sends us these kinds of situations to prod us into thinking about all the different options we have as we find a way to adapt and move forward regardless of how previously unimaginable it all is.
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I completely agree with Treasur's observations and questions. I just wanted add the following.
Where are you emotionally in all this? Are you sure you are not going to expose yourself to a great deal of potential pain and hurt? I can't imagine you are attached and removed enough and what would YOU gain from this?
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IMO, this is the "See, we are all just fine with the divorce and will continue to behave like a family as long as I feel like it," gathering for your W.
Treasur had great questions. What you do depends on what you want, feel, can deal with. Shortly after BD for me we we're invited to a party with another family we got together with on a regular basis. I went, and it was weird, at best. Xh was acting not only like nothing was wrong, but was more attentive to me than he'd ever been. Ever. Since I had gone in looking at him like a bug in a terrarium, it was interesting to observe. But had I been in an emotional state, it might have ended badly. It left me more confused because there were no issues between us and he acted like nothing had changed.
If you get along well with her parents, and want to spend quality time with your kids and can avoid taking any bait she might throw out, and are good with pretending it's all fine, go and enjoy. If you are not good with any of the above, it's probably not a good idea. It all boils down to you and how you feel about it.
I will reiterate what Treasur said about you needing to get a plan in place regarding the kids. Your W doesn't just get to decide she and the kids are going somewhere anymore. What if YOU had plans for the 4th with the kids? Divorce means real consequences if that is her choice.
Eta: make sure you are protected, no matter what happens. Get some legal advice.
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Do the in-laws know that divorce papers were served? Are they ok with you coming, assuming they know? If they don´t know about the divorce then you will be presenting a fictional family event- are you an Oscar worthy actor or would you take the opportunity to have a conversation with them about what is happening? It all comes down to intention and how YOU feel about it.
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Hello and welcome to Heros Spouse.
I’m standing/moving forward…but, should I NOT go because I feel that this is an example of how life would be without me? Or, should I go to spend some quality time with the kids and potential chance of good interactions with her? I’m torn…
I am a stander.my BD was in 2009.
I decided that being a family, regardless of our marital status was the most important thing. And so, yes, we have gone on several vacations together with our daughter and son in law…and they have been really good family times. We often go to our destination a couple of days before the kids arrive. He stays at my house at Christmas ( our daughter lives out of the country) and also when they spend time here in the summer.
I also have a life totally of my own which I enjoy.
Our daughter enjoys that we can be together as a family…I have no regrets for the decision I made. We are divorced, but I don’t see a piece of legal paper capable of erasing 35 years together. Before his crisis, he was not this person, and we had an amazing life together. The crisis changed him…..I accept that he is different…..but he still is and always will he important to me, and I still love him.
You are following Heartsblessing, RCR and Divorce Busting, lots of long time research into and experience in this field and if they resonate with you then trust what your inner self is saying.
You wrote “Unresolved childhood trauma and rape.” Often seen in MLCers and a big factor in why they are running away and trying to fill their emptiness.
I think each of our situations are different and we each know what is best for us. If you believe in standing, then allowing the opportunity to spend time together will give you more insight into what is going on in her…..and more understanding of the confusion she is experiencing.
Good luck
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A lot of great feedback already, I appreciate it. Here are some of my comments/info back:
- I am fairly “detached” atm, emotions are in check. Therapist is surprisingly very helpful and supportive. I have my moments but definitely moving forward and in the right mindset
- Been “giving space” since almost the start. I live in the basement and the main floor while she mostly hides in the bedroom upstairs
- I do have a lawyer, very good, countercomplaint filed and served (she didn’t mention anything)
- There is a 6 month cooling period because we have kids and long backlog in the courts, so this won’t happen over night (a year is my guess if it happens, already big delay after her pausing)
- Funny about the mention of a “plan”, she definitely doesn’t have one. I’ve asked about when is she moving out and she had no idea how to respond
- There is a protection order so she can stay in the house/status quo until the deal is done.
- I’m good on boundaries / vacation with the kids, I was the one going to take them to my brother’s on the 4th but the date didn’t work so I’m taking them later in the month (I haven’t offered her to go and she hasn’t asked either)
- Figuring out what a MLCer will do is like herding cats
- I did press a bit on “why” she wanted me to go… she offered again and her answer was that she likes hanging out with me
- Right of spouse, those 3 words are stuck in my head. I’ll go on the trip if I want to. If she was truly still my spouse and wanted me to go, I would be there in a heartbeat, even unwillingly
- Kids (S8, D10) and I are on great terms, we just had an awesome weekend together while W ran to her moms up north. I can really see she is not as close as she once was with them. Myself on the other hand have created some new and great memories with them over the last ~6 months
- @Offroad, your 1st sentence hits home - she is the daughter of divorced parents so that is the norm / another thing that has set the stage
- I think most the people there will know - the father and brother in laws both have a place up there. I think they are rooting for me/everything to work out, but I will NOT discuss the topic with them (based on HHH guidance, makes sense to me). I only ask for them to help my W whenever they can because she really needs help
- I most likely would NOT go if we were divorced / I was the ex H, at least that’s my current mindset
- I’ve heard/read that if one is asking the question if they should still be standing for the marriage, then the answer is obvious
- I have told her one time that I married her and not her disease/illness/depression, I will be standing for the marriage until D, and it was like she was in total agreement/understood (I call her depression “la bête noire” or the dark beast)
Thanks for all the comments and feedback. I’m leaning towards NOT going now, but I’m still open to the discussion.
All feedback and questions still welcomed.
Thanks again.
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Hey Nor,
You're seven months in....... there's no way she's trying to put things together, not at this point. That's WAY into the future (if at all).
There's a ton of pitfalls right in front of you, but you don't know what to look for (not your fault).
This isn't the simplicity of "do I go, or not?" because what you think is happening.... isn't.
Choosing one action or the other implies a result based on that action - and that isn't something you control right now.
Take some comfort that is doesn't really matter which you choose at this point.
If you're going to have some good time with the kids - there you go. Easy decision.
-SS
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IMO, this is the "See, we are all just fine with the divorce and will continue to behave like a family as long as I feel like it," gathering for your W.
^^^^^THIS^^^^^^
Been there, done this, would rather have had my squishy bits pounded flat with a ballpeen hammer than do it again....
If you think you can spend the time acting as if she is the weird cousin Mary that lives in the basement and treat her as such - civilly but without any emotional attachment - and not get your back up when the revisionist history is being spouted to her family (you DO realize that, at the moment, you are 2nd cousin to Satan and the root of all her problems, right?), then knock yourself out. Just be ready for the possibility/probability that she will be spinning some tall tale to justify her reasons for filing the D, where you are the bad guy.
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Dear Nor, I am so sorry you are here. Some great advice here for you already, I just want to flag, again, that there are two major, life altering, issues your W has left undealt with. And they are not the sort of thing that can stay buried in a person’s psyche forever. And now, here they are. They’ve burst out the sides and blown the lid off. And she won’t just click back into shape. So, the issue about going to the in-laws, it’s a moot point really. I remember when my xH imploded, we were due to go on holiday, and I couldn’t work out that small detail. And I look back now and think how small an issue this was in what turned out to be a catastrophe for both him and me. I was pretty innocent then about the scale of this implosion. And in my experience, MLC (or whatever we call this major depressive AND destructive event) it really does get worse before it gets better. I think the getting ‘better’ part, that happens quicker for the spouses. But the crisis person – yes, they do get worse. And worse is revealed. Please brace yourself – this has likely been on the boil for longer than you think.
The best mantra I had, in the first 6 – 12 months, was to remind myself daily to have zero expectations and to make decisions based on what I wanted or needed to do. Not based on past history or with the notion that what I did had a particular effect on my xH. I wasn’t selfish, I was always kind. I never initiated contact. And I dropped the proverbial rope completely. It was / is really hard. I know it is different when you have kids, but at the same time, you have a strong motivation to be your best self for them. They will need a steady force in the coming years.
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…I never initiated contact. And I dropped the proverbial rope completely. It was / is really hard. I know it is different when you have kids, but at the same time, you have a strong motivation to be your best self for them. They will need a steady force in the coming years.
Thanks for feedback, appreciated. I really gotta stick to this part and I really have been as of the last 2+ months. I have the urge to but I usually catch myself. Unless it’s kid related, I’m not initiating, nor am I extending the texting with other happenings. We used to be that couple that used to text each other throughout the day when I was at work, with memes, random stuff, weekend ideas, etc…
Also, other big traumas that have effected her - 4 deaths during Covid:
- My mom (cancer AML)
- Her best friend (suicide)
- Her 1st uncle (Covid)
- Her other uncle (heart, didn’t take care of himself)
I have come to believe that whatever relationship she was in now, this would of happened to anyone she was with. No matter how good or bad.
Got the 1st EIC on 7/15, email received today. A punch to the gut but I can take it.
As I sit here with the kiddoz, this is the 2nd Monday in a row that she hasn’t come home yet on time after work. She works till 5PM and it’s 7:03PM. I don’t let it bother me but I notice.
Later all, I’ll be watching the thread.
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If any good can come out of this it’s that you are spending time with the kids. Due to her escaping and avoiding, I got to spend a lot of more time with the kids, and it brought us a lot closer. She would leave her days at a time, leave me more quality time with the kids .she filed 3/24, were still in the midst of it but I feel that she is second guessing her decision. Time will tell what happens.
As for going with her to the 4th id say go with your gut, don’t think there’s a wrong answer, whatever feels right for you is the way to go.
Good luck!
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I totally agree with Kaydee, whatever you do will have little, if any bearing on your W, particularly in this very early time in her crisis. So do what's best for you right now. Honestly, if she finds her way out of this funk she'll probably not remember many details of the whens and wheres of these early days.
So, if you think you'll enjoy some time away with the kids then go along, but not because you think being a good, kind husband and father will have any bearing on what she does next - it won't - but because you want to spend time with your kids and in laws.
Like XY I have continued to spend a great deal of time with my W and kids, and for the best part I actually really enjoy it, our kids have said they like us all being together and my W has (on occasion!) expressed that she has enjoyed it too.
You're very early on in this marathon though, just do what you feel works for you - maybe have an escape plan if being around W and her family gets too much - take 2 cars or travel a day later or something maybe?
There are so many much wiser people on here than me though, I just do what works for me at any given time, take advice from folks on here that seems to be appropriate but generally just wing it when faced with a challenging situation. If it doesn't feel right or work I don't do it again! There are no right answers because all of our loved ones that are in crisis are as different as anyone else you meet in life so what works for one of us probably won't work for you or anyone else.... that took me a long time to realise. Protect your finances, your heart and be the best dad you can possibly be for your kids - thats pretty much all you can do right now.. MLC is a totally dog$h!te situation but everyone here who has been in your shoes has made it through, and you will too!
B x
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...You're very early on in this marathon though, just do what you feel works for you - maybe have an escape plan if being around W and her family gets too much - take 2 cars or travel a day later or something maybe?...
OMG - you must of read my mind. After more feedback and thinking, my plan now is to drive separately and stay for 1 day :)
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...You're very early on in this marathon though, just do what you feel works for you - maybe have an escape plan if being around W and her family gets too much - take 2 cars or travel a day later or something maybe?...
OMG - you must of read my mind. After more feedback and thinking, my plan now is to drive separately and stay for 1 day :)
Welp… I’ve changed my decision and it’s probably best that I don’t go. I’ll miss the kiddoz but they FaceTime me all the time and I already have a trip with them planned later this month (my b-day weekend is coming up too!)
I got some projects around the house that will keep me busy… plus I can put the Blackstone to good use.
Later all
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It´s likely you spared yourself walking around with a knot in your stomach.
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It´s likely you spared yourself walking around with a knot in your stomach.
Sounds like another good reason
I think someone might of said it above, but no one on the other side knows my half of the story… plus I don’t plan or want to tell for good reason imo. Would of been very awkward.
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Hey all,
On topic / off topic question, not sure if I should post here or in another thread…
Anyways, I’ll ask here: I know you are supposed to let the MLCers solve their own problems, but where do you draw the line? Do you do their laundry? Pick up/clean up their room because they can’t even do that atm (I don’t want our kids hanging out in a mess)? Ask them if they want dinner? Help them move out? Help them with the divorce?
I have an idea, but would like to hear what y’all have to say.
Thanks in advance.
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Norianxx,
You are not the MLCers parent. They are an adult. If your adult child - I'm not talking 18 years old, but 40 years old or so , came to stay at your house for a while would you do that for them? Hell no. You'd expect them to pull their weight. You might cook a meal, but you'd probably expect them to do the dishes afterwards - or at least offer to.
If she's not contributing to the household chores then I'd be inclined to do pretty much nothing for them that they can't do themselves. I dunno, I haven't got an at home MLCer, but if I did, and their room was a mess I'd shut the door as I walked past so I don't have to look at iit - like a teenager, and let them wash their own clothes and cook and clean up after themselves, unless there was a planned family dinner or something,
If you don't want a divorce let them sort it out, in life if people really want something then it's up to them to do the hard work and get it sorted.
Put your focus on you, and your kids. It's really hard in the beginning to get that, as you're used to being a we, but the rules have changed, and so has the game. If she asks for help and you feel like it's appropriate to give it then do so, but I'd err on the side of letting her do a bit of the heavy lifting herself. But I think you kind of know that given how you worded your question.
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Tbh I think this is a sort of unthreading process that most of us go through. The questions start as a sort of ‘what do I do with an MLCer’ and imho evolve into often more useful questions about our own priorities and how we want to go about our lives given the situation as we find it. As we do, we tend to trip over both the limits of what we can control and a few hills we are prepared to die on metaphorically speaking.
Again jmo, but one of the first realisations is often that what we see as a ‘problem’ is not how our ex/spouse sees it. Which then I think pushes us back towards considering, as honestly as we can, why something is a ‘problem’ for us and how important it really is. Even sometimes if the ‘problem’ is not really the problem but something more representative of something bigger or a trigger for other feelings or fears or a kind of unspoken bargain of the ‘if I do this/get them to do that, then x will happen’.
It’s a kind of triaging process really. You find yourself Here, probably a place you never imagined you would be, a life equivalent of being on a sled surrounded by wolves and your brain is trying to work out if you need to shoot them or run faster. And if the small wolf closest to ypur sled is a bigger threat than the larger wolf behind it. 😝
So I’d encourage you to reflect on that….and as other say, only through the lens of thinking about you and your kids…
Why does something matter? How much does it matter? Does it belong to you? Can you control it? What are your priorities? Short term vs longer term? If you are using energy to do x, what y things will you not have time and energy to do? Name and order your wolves essentially 😜
But it probably starts with seeing yourself and your kids as being the main passengers on your sled right now, and your ex/spouse as being in charge of both their own sled and their own wolves bc that is what separation and divorce essentially means, isn’t it?
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@Biscuit + @Treasur
Appreciate the feedback, very helpful. The mind is clearer now.
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Lol, another question…
So my birthday is coming up this weekend, I think W totally forgot
She’s asking me (telling me) to “pick something” in regards to a gift from the kiddoz
I’m tempted to tell her to figure it out herself
Or something simple like cards, candy, etc…
Thoughts?
PS - I did ask her what she wanted for Mother’s Day in May and didn’t get good feedback… we DEFINITELY got her a lot of good stuff/we know what she likes/wants…maybe that was a mistake 🤷🏻♂️
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Can’t recall how old your kids are, but I’d let the kids figure it out for themselves or maybe ask them to draw you a nice card. And maybe take the kids, without your wife, out for a nice birthday brunch or a nice activity or pizza or something similar. Imho it’s important to teach kids to see the importance of doing nice things for other peoples birthdays not just expect things for their own birthdays - a bit of civilising for young humans lol - but of course the gift per se doesn’t matter, does it?
Basically, anything that would please you that does not require anything from or involve her. And perhaps arrange a celebratory beverage or activity with a friend (again without your wife) as your adult treat to yourself? What kind of things do you like doing?
But expect zip from her. Nothing. She may not even acknowledge it. Essentially, celebrate with friends and your kids in much the same way you would if you were already an ex-husband with his own independent life.
Oh, and an early Happy Birthday from us! These Firsts are always tough, but it gets easier 🎂
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Can’t recall how old your kids are, but I’d let the kids figure it out for themselves or maybe ask them to draw you a nice card. And maybe take the kids, without your wife, out for a nice birthday brunch or a nice activity or pizza or something similar. Imho it’s important to teach kids to see the importance of doing nice things for other peoples birthdays not just expect things for their own birthdays - a bit of civilising for young humans lol - but of course the gift per se doesn’t matter, does it?
Basically, anything that would please you that does not require anything from or involve her. And perhaps arrange a celebratory beverage or activity with a friend (again without your wife) as your adult treat to yourself? What kind of things do you like doing?
But expect zip from her. Nothing. She may not even acknowledge it. Essentially, celebrate with friends and your kids in much the same way you would if you were already an ex-husband with his own independent life.
Oh, and an early Happy Birthday from us! These Firsts are always tough, but it gets easier 🎂
Thanks for the quick feedback, kiddoz are S8 and D10
I already have made some plans 😀
Friday - bowling
Saturday - iFly and Dinner
Sunday - Top golf
Maybe squeeze in some pool time at the athletic club. All events with the kids and open invitation to all my buds. (it's always hard for friends to get together, because, you know, family stuff...we usually have to plan months in advance)
I didn’t reply back to the W and I don’t think I will. If I get pressed in a conversation or something by the W, I’m going to tell her I got it, don’t worry and go from there.
Again, I think she totally forgot (expected)… I asked about if the kids had any plans this weekend. She replied with saying that she’s going up north to her moms place for fireworks and was thinking about taking the kids. I kindly reminded her it was my birthday weekend. She lol’ed and said, “I remembered that when I got up to pee at 4AM”. (Yea, right 🙄)
Anyways, thanks for the early birthday wishes. Looking forward to the jam packed weekend of fun!
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Anyways, I’ll ask here: I know you are supposed to let the MLCers solve their own problems, but where do you draw the line? Do you do their laundry? Pick up/clean up their room because they can’t even do that atm (I don’t want our kids hanging out in a mess)? Ask them if they want dinner? Help them move out? Help them with the divorce?
Hi, Norianxx
From my perspective, as long as you're helping without expectations, it's whatever you feel comfortable with. I helped my ex wife move into her sister's house, which was only about a mile away. (She bought me lunch in exchange.) Sometimes I wonder if I should have let her do everything, but she did move things into the front room during the day, and rented a truck for the few large items. I also preferred me helping vs. having odd movers that I didn't hire in the house, or heaven forbid a boyfriend. (I don't think there was one at the time, but in the last months she posted a couple of impishly smiling photos on Facebook, and she sure as heck wasn't smiling at me...)
I did draw the line at helping with the divorce. She sent a text message saying I needed to contact my atty to start things, and I told her that she wanted this, she has an atty, and knows who my atty is, so she could kick things off. I responded promptly for any paperwork, documents, etc. that my atty needed, no hindering.
Sounds like you're on a pretty even keel. Hang in there!
JB
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@JohnnyBravo,
Thanks for the reply. I definitely have the mindset of no expectations… but that’s how I should be with my love, unconditional. Lately, I’ve set the boundary of not helping her with personal things like her laundry, food, room cleanliness, etc…. W can solve her own problems. I got a lot of other things to do: kids, work, bills, laundry, meals, clean, home projects, dishes, entertainment, hobbies… you know, life. My family with one less.
In regards to D stuff, I’m prompt with my side, but WILL NOT help W with anything legally on her side. I confirmed with my representation that I don’t have to and won’t get in trouble.
If she does ask for help, I’ll will (with home stuff that is). I’m not a monster. My mind says no but my heart/body says yes (I heard someone say something like that, maybe it was RCR in one of her Q&A’s)
Things between us have been quiet the last ~24+ hours after the bday text exchange. We did have therapy scheduled together last night (that she recommended months ago). She skipped last night’s session (as well as the prior session), no mention of it or heads up. I’m not surprised, it’s more talk about the relationship, evade and avoid. I briefly saw her in the kitchen this morning and gave her a polite good morning. She was complaining about cramps (that time of the month), I didn’t engage. I really think she should get her hormone levels checked… there are some signs imo that I won’t get into detail here unless needed.
Trying to be a ghost - most if not all interactions will be considered pressure. Pressure about the relationship. Pressure to divorce. Someone PM’ed me with some advice and it really hit home.
Working from home today - kiddoz are wild and running around and fun. Have a nice day all and thanks in advance.
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Changed my display name - TheShore
Just in case someone does an internet search…
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Hey all,
Going to do a little journaling here (should the type and/or name of the thread be changed?)
Anyways, fun day today, started off the birthday weekend right. Hung out with the kiddoz all day: car wash, let them pick out some cards and gifts for me, donuts, burgers for lunch, mall/shopping, got cookies and cupcakes for actual birthday, movies, burgers for dinner, bowling and arcade. Jam packed!
The wife didn’t like that I had the kids buy presents for me. I told her again I wasn’t making a point and not to worry about it, left it at that. She’s definitely not looking out for me and acts nice/empathy returns when she’s about to take bad actions against me. Surprisingly, she joined us for dinner burgers and bowling/arcade 🤷♂️. Not much chat between us, I didn’t start topics or a conversation with her directly but joined when prompted and I was in a joyful mood. Just happy to have a fun day for me for once.
I had a feeling come over me…almost like the clock is ticking. Or a realization that there probably won’t be enough time for her to get through her MLC before D. Sure there is time, probably will take 9-12 months if I had to guess if it all goes down. And I’ve heard stories of people dismissing on the day of. W could pause/dismiss at any time, but I guess I’ve come to accept that fate. I’ve realized it’s never been a need and only a want. I just hope that with detaching that the want doesn’t dwindle to a point where then I don’t want to R. I guess time will tell but I visit here often to read stories and listen to RCRs YouTube vids every night to keep a good mindset.
See y’all at the next post
PS - we need a discord chat, not sure where to post that?
PSS - the DB forum is sooooo sloooow… I would like to post there to in order to hit another audience, but due to site speed, it’s almost impossible
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I changed this to My Story, since it is your story. This will be your thread and you can journal as much as you like. It helps to write it out.
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And BTW, Happy Late Birthday! That was a great thing you did for the kids and yourself for your birthday!
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I had a feeling come over me…almost like the clock is ticking. Or a realization that there probably won’t be enough time for her to get through her MLC before D. Sure there is time, probably will take 9-12 months if I had to guess if it all goes down. And I’ve heard stories of people dismissing on the day of. W could pause/dismiss at any time, but I guess I’ve come to accept that fate. I’ve realized it’s never been a need and only a want. I just hope that with detaching that the want doesn’t dwindle to a point where then I don’t want to R. I guess time will tell but I visit here often to read stories and listen to RCRs YouTube vids every night to keep a good mindset.
You'll get lots of virtual clonks on the head for this one Shore :) I know this will sound facile, but - don't worry about it. Take on the Stoic's approach of what is within and without your control circle. You can't see it now, but you will change. I personally think that the majority of people on this site, are people with high levels of reflection and empathy, and, most importantly, with a 'growth mentality'. It comes with the territory. We come to understand. Then we learn some more by trying to help others. And this process, like a degree course, or a mountain hike, a spell in jail, it teaches us, it changes us. Let that happen to you. Try, if you can, to be more present. In the moment. Enjoy those who show up for you. Give back when you can. You will find so much gold in this poo-pile that you have been dealt. Divorce is a scary word. I get it. But it can also be a shackle. If your W does her own work, and truly acknowledges all that she lost (which was likely the best thing she will ever have) - you can reconnect as equals again. But where you will be then, I can only guess. Like Shore, only 150% more.
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I agree with KayDee so much on this.
My only practical advice is perhaps to limit how much time you spend on MLC videos etc. Not bc they are bad or unhelpful, more bc they naturally keep your eye turned towards your spouse and trying to predict or untangle the why of it all. Maybe don’t listen at night? Or every other night? Or interpose some other topics that you might be interested in that have nothing to do with your spouse/divorce etc?
Oh and be careful about getting sucked into podcasts or videos that are a bit ‘conspiracy/ish’….theres a lot of out there stuff out there lol….and imho when our system is jangling and more uncertain than usual, we are a bit more vulnerable to these things. 😜
What are you interested in that you don’t yet know much about?
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I changed this to My Story, since it is your story. This will be your thread and you can journal as much as you like. It helps to write it out.
Thank you!
I had a feeling come over me…almost like the clock is ticking. Or a realization that there probably won’t be enough time for her to get through her MLC before D. Sure there is time, probably will take 9-12 months if I had to guess if it all goes down. And I’ve heard stories of people dismissing on the day of. W could pause/dismiss at any time, but I guess I’ve come to accept that fate. I’ve realized it’s never been a need and only a want. I just hope that with detaching that the want doesn’t dwindle to a point where then I don’t want to R. I guess time will tell but I visit here often to read stories and listen to RCRs YouTube vids every night to keep a good mindset.
You'll get lots of virtual clonks on the head for this one Shore :) I know this will sound facile, but - don't worry about it. Take on the Stoic's approach of what is within and without your control circle. You can't see it now, but you will change. I personally think that the majority of people on this site, are people with high levels of reflection and empathy, and, most importantly, with a 'growth mentality'. It comes with the territory. We come to understand. Then we learn some more by trying to help others. And this process, like a degree course, or a mountain hike, a spell in jail, it teaches us, it changes us. Let that happen to you. Try, if you can, to be more present. In the moment. Enjoy those who show up for you. Give back when you can. You will find so much gold in this poo-pile that you have been dealt. Divorce is a scary word. I get it. But it can also be a shackle. If your W does her own work, and truly acknowledges all that she lost (which was likely the best thing she will ever have) - you can reconnect as equals again. But where you will be then, I can only guess. Like Shore, only 150% more.
Bonk me on the head, I’m here to learn.
I agree with KayDee so much on this.
My only practical advice is perhaps to limit how much time you spend on MLC videos etc. Not bc they are bad or unhelpful, more bc they naturally keep your eye turned towards your spouse and trying to predict or untangle the why of it all. Maybe don’t listen at night? Or every other night? Or interpose some other topics that you might be interested in that have nothing to do with your spouse/divorce etc?
Oh and be careful about getting sucked into podcasts or videos that are a bit ‘conspiracy/ish’….theres a lot of out there stuff out there lol….and imho when our system is jangling and more uncertain than usual, we are a bit more vulnerable to these things. 😜
What are you interested in that you don’t yet know much about?
It’s a little therapeutic and a ritual to keep my mindset, helping me heal. Also, there are so many videos/topics that listening to a new one every night isn’t a problem, might learn something new 🤷🏻♂️
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Hey all,
Back to back posts incoming… sitting here winding down, thinking about the events for the day:
- Went indoor skydiving with kiddoz, what a blast, will do again
- Went to fancy dinner, yum
Interesting happenings for the day:
- W came downstairs in the morning while I was in the shower to pop a zit on her back?!? I stepped to the exit of the shower in my “birthday suit” to do the job… she definitely was taking some looks
- Was upstairs getting S8 ready… she came into that bathroom with her “chest” basically hanging out asking for help cutting some areas of her dress to help fit them in…
- W came to main floor while I was there in her bra and granny panties (that time of the month, what she wears at that time) to throw something in the dryer, right in front of me
- W came with us to skydiving
- W went to her “graduation party”… I think it really was one (b/c she brought home a piece of cake and fork on a plate), but I think she has a new EA from work (the guy who she went to dinner with previously ). She said it was a grad party for one of her female colleagues (lie I think). I have the vehicle app registered on my car that she drives, so I know where she went, and then easy to find the names registered to addresses where her car was… but, she only stayed ~an hour and actually met us at the restaurant we were at 🤔🤷🏻♂️
Whatever, so strange. I didn’t think about it too much until just now. I had a blast all day with the kids which was my main focus. The party concludes tomorrow with top golf, pool, and birthday dessert.
Cya all soon
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I had a feeling come over me…almost like the clock is ticking. Or a realization that there probably won’t be enough time for her to get through her MLC before D. Sure there is time, probably will take 9-12 months if I had to guess if it all goes down. And I’ve heard stories of people dismissing on the day of. W could pause/dismiss at any time, but I guess I’ve come to accept that fate. I’ve realized it’s never been a need and only a want. I just hope that with detaching that the want doesn’t dwindle to a point where then I don’t want to R.
First off.....
(https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExZTQ3YndtMzdmdGVsZThyd2hzMGNwbWhnZGQ0MXJwdm9qdWI0ZDE2eCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/6To7mnTymkfXlDEZjn/giphy.gif)
Second, MLC is an ultra-marathon slog through mud that has the consistency of Tar.... This is not a "9-12 months) time span..... If the circumstantial evidence here is any indication, the "normal MLC" runs in the area of 5-9 YEARS. so if the D is coming in less than a year, there is virtually NO way in Hades that she's going to be even close to getting through the first stages in a year, let alone returning to realty from Schmoopie-land.
Is "Zit popping" really part of your duties now that she has decided that you are 2nd cousin to Beelzebub? Married partners might do this for one another but, if she has decided to end the marriage... well... You have been fired (or relieved) relieved from duties as Zit Popper in Chief.... whether she is casting an eye on your junk or not is irrelevant, as is having her girls hanging out there on display.... This could be nothing more than an attempt to see if she can still get a rise out of you after treating you like a 5-week old dead fish....
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I had a feeling come over me…almost like the clock is ticking. Or a realization that there probably won’t be enough time for her to get through her MLC before D. Sure there is time, probably will take 9-12 months if I had to guess if it all goes down. And I’ve heard stories of people dismissing on the day of. W could pause/dismiss at any time, but I guess I’ve come to accept that fate. I’ve realized it’s never been a need and only a want. I just hope that with detaching that the want doesn’t dwindle to a point where then I don’t want to R.
First off.....
(https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExZTQ3YndtMzdmdGVsZThyd2hzMGNwbWhnZGQ0MXJwdm9qdWI0ZDE2eCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/6To7mnTymkfXlDEZjn/giphy.gif)
Second, MLC is an ultra-marathon slog through mud that has the consistency of Tar.... This is not a "9-12 months) time span..... If the circumstantial evidence here is any indication, the "normal MLC" runs in the area of 5-9 YEARS. so if the D is coming in less than a year, there is virtually NO way in Hades that she's going to be even close to getting through the first stages in a year, let alone returning to realty from Schmoopie-land.
Is "Zit popping" really part of your duties now that she has decided that you are 2nd cousin to Beelzebub? Married partners might do this for one another but, if she has decided to end the marriage... well... You have been fired (or relieved) relieved from duties as Zit Popper in Chief.... whether she is casting an eye on your junk or not is irrelevant, as is having her girls hanging out there on display.... This could be nothing more than an attempt to see if she can still get a rise out of you after treating you like a 5-week old dead fish....
Thanks for the reply Ursa... always good to get a bonk to get the brain back on track. It just gets confusing sometimes... W is completely distant/don't even know her during part of the day... then a switch will flip in her and it's like back to enjoying life together as H+W/as a family. So strange.
Sunday birthday activities concluded with Top Golf... W reached out an joined us?!?
Then I hit the pool at the athletic club with the kiddoz... W went on a FB Marketplace run to buy a piece of wall art (looks like something a 17 year old would like, whatever), but then she sent me a text and joined us at the pool?!?
Came back home and later that night D10 played happy birthday on the piano and we ate cookies and cupcakes. Kiddoz gave me their cards and the gift they bought me. W did actually get me something and got me a hat that she just handed to me (definitely not her typical gift giving where it would be in a bag along with a bunch of other stuff like clothes, candy, thoughtful message, etc...). Felt very last minute.
I really enjoy everyone's comments - all are welcomed, thanks in advance.
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Hey all,
Flew solo this weekend, had a lot of fun. Felt like I did almost 20 years ago when I lived alone and enjoyed my independence. Strange but nice.
Kiddoz came back today and had a low key evening hanging with them (I did make hibachi on the Blackstone so that was yum)
Lastly, when I listen to rcr vids on YouTube, some other ones pop up… I liked the voice of this guy but the content of this specific link was helpful imo. Maybe it can help you too: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AXg0V_5HB-g
Later
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Hi TheShore, that was a good video. I´m on day 4 since H moved out, so I guess it is natural to think of him and the situation a lot. But I bookmarked the video and maybe I will remember getting back to it later if I need help with detaching.
It is good to hear that you enjoyed flying alone. There is a certain freedom to traveling all by yourself. I have made a habit during the last years, due to one of my son´s hobby that takes us to places, to have a good time exploring new towns on my own (while he is playing all day). Doing that doesn´t really require one to have someone waiting somewhere. A good reminder that one can enjoy the total independence of being on your own.
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Sitting here in Rhode Island on the beach, enjoying life
But, on others topics, I know that W went out to a bar/restaurant last night and was shady about it, didn’t even reply back to kids when they called her to try and tell her we got here safely.
Also, I know that her car is at a hotel right now, I can only imagine what’s happening or about to. Do I confront? Mention slyly? Stay quiet? The court order included a status quo so I can’t kick her out. I know things are about to get worse but I’m not a doormat/deserve respect. Looking for help on this one, thx.
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Sitting here in Rhode Island on the beach, enjoying life
But, on others topics, I know that W went out to a bar/restaurant last night and was shady about it, didn’t even reply back to kids when they called her to try and tell her we got here safely.
Also, I know that her car is at a hotel right now, I can only imagine what’s happening or about to. Do I confront? Mention slyly? Stay quiet? The court order included a status quo so I can’t kick her out. I know things are about to get worse but I’m not a doormat/deserve respect. Looking for help on this one, thx.
This experience is a Life101 lesson for most of us about the things we cannot control and how we respond to that imho. Most of us find it’s a surprisingly long list and it challenges a lot of our prior assumptions about how life works, so it tends to be a bit of a process of trial and error, doesn’t it?
I don’t know how you know where your wife is, but I’d encourage you to expose yourself to less of that info. You’re an adult. You know why married people go to bars and hotels without their spouses. You know enough.
And I’d encourage you to stop thinking of her as your ‘wife’ currently. Actually, do what you can to stop thinking about her at all. A couple of weeks ago, you were focused on zit popping and chesty displays - I hope you can see that this meant nothing. A few days ago, you were focused on her showing up to play family - I hope you can see that this meant nothing either. And this is why we bang on about detachment being so important bc it’s exhausting to be on that kind of rollercoaster and to have one’s view of the world shaped so much by the inconsistent and self-centred behaviour of someone else.
I’m sorry that you are forced legally to share your home with her - how long is that likely to last? And what changes have you made in how you organise day to day things? Basic stuff…finances, schedules, sleeping arrangements, food etc? Bc right now you are not sharing your home with a wife - you are sharing it with someone who looks like your wife but is more like a distant and unwanted teenage roommate, I suspect.
She is going to do whatever she is going to do. And you can’t control that. Nor tbh can we make anyone respect us if they don’t. All we can do is respect ourselves sufficiently to step away from them and decide to not play whatever role they have given us in whatever game they are playing.
So, practically speaking, no, don’t do any of those things - your ‘wife’ does not care what you think or feel (if she did, she would not be doing what she’s doing, would she?) so there’s no point talking about it to her. Talking will not change anything. Plus it keeps you hooked into the game and feeds her sense of importance imho. You are going to feel how you feel, but find other places and people to share those thoughts and feelings. Show her nothing. Say very little about anything much. Do not ask her questions bc either a) she will lie or b) you won’t like the answers or c) you won’t be able to do anything useful with them.
So, what can you do?
Focus on your own life and activities. Focus on your kids. Pull away from doing ‘family’ things that involve her. Expect nothing good from her. Read about going grey rock. Stop mentally calling her ypur ‘wife’ - perhaps experiment with something like ‘soon to be ex wife’ or ‘kids’ mother’? Focus on the process of accepting that you are almost certainly going to end up being an ‘ex husband’ and start behaving now in ways you think are appropriate as an ‘ex husband’….things you will stop, start or continue, but choices you consider that are intentional rather than reacting in the ‘same old, same old’ way if that makes sense? (And avoid alcohol and attractive women to chat with for a while bc neither of those will help lol)
I am very very sorry. We know how hard it is when one’s spouse has metaphorically left the building but is still physically there. It’s a bit of a mindf**k, isn’t it? But imho the sooner you can swallow the horrible pill that your wife is no longer your wife, and that you have no control or influence over her behaviour or feelings, the easier things get. We all eventually learn to call a quacking thing with feathers a duck, but not one of us underestimates how hard and painful that can be. But looking reality in the eye ironically is what gives us new choices and new ways to treat ourselves with respect and consideration when our ‘spouse’ simply does not.
Beach sounds good, so more of that!
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My second thought…
I am very sorry bc I must have come across as a big bucket of cold water on your head.
Looking from the cheap seats, I tend to think that once divorce paperwork has been filed, you are in a different ball game. The priorities change and you need to change your perspective along with that.
The kernel of the difference probably between ypur ‘wife’ and you is that, in her head, by filing she considers herself now to be ‘single’ (well, when it suits her lol) and you are still thinking of yourself as married to your wife. Is that fair? If so, that’s the bit that needs to shift imho….you don’t have to hate her, you don’t have to behave like a jerk but you probably do need to shuffle the pieces around in your head a bit. Like one of those old fashioned kaleidoscopes where you twist the end to make a different pattern.
Doing so does not remove the possibility of reconciliation down the line. In fact, the stronger and more self sufficient and clear eyed you are helps if that is how things play out bc reconciliation is not easy at all from stories here. (You might want to read Acorn’s threads if you haven’t already? Or a few others?) But it is true that most LBS end up divorced, most find themselves with a different perspective on it all after a couple of years and none of us can know what the future holds. So imho all we can do is the best we can with the facts currently available….and the biggest of those facts is that your wife has decided she no longer wants to be your wife and has filed for divorce, so dealing with that is necessary regardless of your current hopes.
What do you see as your priorities right now? What kind of ‘soon to be ex husband’ feels right to you? And what does your lawyer suggest you need to do to protect yourself the best you can?
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@Treasur
Thanks for the replies, truly appreciated. No need to be sorry.
Some of my quick replies back:
- Served around 6/10, min 6 month cooling off period in my state because we have kids plus mediation plus court backup/delays, we're lookimg at somewhere into a quarter to halfway through 2026 if i had to guess, ugh...But she does have to file more paperwork/extention because it will go past a year from initial filing of 1/17.
- My laywer said not much I can do in this state, tough pill to swallow. Now if STBXW (heh heh) brings AP in front of kids now, we can get an order in front of the judge to stop that.
- I was going to ask laywer if it makes sense to still gather evidence - lies + hidden funds - may help in mediation, idk...
- Priorities are kiddoz, me, detachment, keeping up getting a life activities, house, work, etc...
- I'm still standing, but just a big punch to the gut. I'm still living in the basement and she hides in the bedroom upstairs 95% of the time at home. Main floor is like no man's land. I still use main floor to prep meals for myself and kids, but try to avoid contact / be a ghost, recommended by SS
- What do you think about this RCR vid: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cw-2XMobws ?
- I think in general, I'm too hopeful / believe in people, but i understand the probability.
The beaches are very nice out here and thr seafood is amazing and so fresh. Will come back again.
Thanks
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Well done on the STBXW! 😝
Yup, it’s a s&itshow, no doubt about it. I had a vanisher who ran away essentially - spent ages at the time feeling envious of folks who had live-in MLCers tbh bc I thought it improved the odds for put marriage but now I think it was a blessing in disguise.
By all means, ask your lawyer about further info bc laws on this stuff vary. Having said that, even in ‘fault’ areas, the courts don’t seem to care much about infidelity per se. But they might care about marital funds being spent. Varies a lot though - again jmo but probably more useful to separate your funds and debts as much as is possible anyway.
Have you talked to your lawyer about what you want re things like custody and ypur marital home? Or how you can legally protect yourself financially?
I suspect you’ll find that the legal process does not guarantee much in terms of exposure to ow/om with ypur kids unless they are deemed to be at serious risk. So that may need to be another thing that goes in the ‘beyond my control’ bucket. How much do your kids know about what is going on? Do they know your wife has filed, for instance, and that this means some big changes in how everyone lives in the next couple of years?
But I am very sorry. This is a tough time but it will not last forever and there can be a good life worth living on the other side of it.
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My thoughts on the video although I’m sure others will chip in. (And must confess i didn’t watch it all bc it’s all a long time ago for me!)
Fwiw I guess my take is a bit simple. What’s important is that YOU deal with the reality you see, that YOU call a duck a duck, that YOU choose what kind of relationship is acceptable to you or not. Why? Bc that is the path of healthy sanity and this stuff can make you feel a bit crazy and lead you to doubt your own judgement and instincts and values.
But, again jmo, one doesn’t have to involve others or negotiate their agreement to call a duck a duck. If it seems like a duck to you based on the currently available facts, you don’t need anyone else’s opinion…including your stbxw. They know what they’ve done or not done…no amount of Perry Mason like evidence changes that. And there are probably a bunch of things they know that you don’t. No amount of evidence or opinion will change that either. If you get into one of those gaslighting type conversations where they swear up is down? Don’t get sucked into it. Say something neutral like ‘well, we both know that’s not true’ or ‘we’ll have to accept we see things differently’ and walk away. If only bc it’s lightly insane to argue the details of something with a disordered person who you already know has lied to you. Consider the source is a pretty good life principle I’ve found! Good for keeping one’s own mental marbles in a bag anyway!
So, before acting (or reacting) consider what you are trying to achieve? What are you likely to gain? Why does that matter to you? And often you will probably find that saying nothing is not the same as doing nothing, that actions - hers and yours - are more important and more sane than any amount of words. If only bc what you are dealing with is not a Words problem but an Actions problem, right?
If the Actions change, you can change your mindset accordingly based on new facts, right?
Imho it takes a little time to get out of the habit of being part of a We where most of us normally discuss and listen and compromise. Right now, there is no We, just two Me’s, if that makes sense. And one of the Me’s does not care what the other one thinks or wants probably.
So, for most of us, the trick is to unhook from the We. Arguably our spouses have already done this so we are playing catch up! And the path towards that is usually a whole series of small bits of Me instead of We that slowly leads us to our own version of detachment. I can remember a whole host of them, a whole bunch of times when I had to almost train myself to NOT involve my then h and to not expect anything from him as I had in the past….big things like a cancer diagnosis, small things like news about a mutual friend or clearing out boxes of his stuff or fixing a broken lawnmower. 😜 in my case, I had a little phrase I’d repeat to myself, that ‘he does not care and he isn’t here’…my anti-We phrase lol. Other useful phrases are also available 😜
So, as a practical example, when you are looking through a No We lens, the question you first came here with - about the 4th July - would be pretty much a no brainer…there is no We, the shape of your ‘family’ is now different, ypur obligations are different and if you can’t imagine doing it in 5 years time as an ex-husband, why would you do it now. Or why would you expect an xw to buy you a birthday gift if your kids are old enough to organise that for themselves?
It’s a mindset change….but you do control that. Although you don’t control how stbxw feels about that and often they don’t like it much! MLCers are a bit notorious for liking to have their cake and eating it when it suits, to feeling they are entitled to get what they don’t give! But it gets easier the more you do it and with time.
What are the bits of life that you have already Un-We’d? Which bits do you think you still need to Un-We?
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@Treasur
- Thx again for reply, I truly appreciate and enjoy the reply and depth of thought you put into it
- The status quo order basically says everything remains the same financially until the deed is done. Her spending is surprisingly much more under control than in the past. All finances go through me in the house. I don't think she knows any of our account infomations really. I'm very thorough when it comes to that, can track every penny and completely transparent when I submitted that info to the court (it will be a laugh to see what she submits)
- I know our CC wasn’t used to pay for the hotel (AP could of, cash, hidden account, who know)
- I really liked the unhook from we mindset…she does not care and she isn’t with us here in RI. This will be my go to focus for the week.
- The only reason why I would bring up her stay at the hotel is just to show her that I don’t have stupid written on my forehead / she’s not that smart/sneaky - my self respect, at least for my piece of mind.
- In regards to “Un-We-ing”, obviously there are marital assets gained over time (mostly from my side) that will have to be split up equitably (not equally in my state, whatever that means, will find out). I did bring in a bunch of assets into the marriage that I owned prior that we are claiming as separate. We have the 2 kiddoz that can’t be un-we’ed. No plans or anything scheduled to do things with her anymore.
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I’m so sorry friend. We understand. We've all been there :(
Honestly. Perhaps I'm in the minority here. But I’m in the camp of its time to move on. My biggest mistake was “holding on”. Hoping to ride things out. Perhaps see some change. This was a massive mistake.
Thing is. The pain and mental torture endured during this period is what burned all the bridges for me. Like look what you’re going through right now. Do you think this makes reconciliation easier?
I truly believe that LBS should get out the way as fast as possible and move on. And move forward. The best shot at reconciliation at least IMO, is where there are still bridges left. And the best shot to keep those bridges in tact is to complete disconnect and gtfo the way…. So you stay out of her orbit so she doesn’t destroy and consume everything around her. The longer you’re in her orbit. The more she will swallow and lay waste to. It’s just not worth it.
And I know it seems scary. But that’s when your own healing and real work can begin. But not while you’re in constant flight or fight and suffering never ending mental torture IMO. Day after day. It just does not get better anytime soon. And it causes real damage to LBS.
So yeah. My advice. Build a new life and move on. She’ll be there in the back. Watching from a distance. And maybe a chance for recon will happen at some point in the future. Maybe not. But at least you’ll be ok. And be true to yourself.
Onward!
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I’m so sorry friend. We understand. We've all been there :(
Honestly. Perhaps I'm in the minority here. But I’m in the camp of its time to move on. My biggest mistake was “holding on”. Hoping to ride things out. Perhaps see some change. This was a massive mistake.
Thing is. The pain and mental torture endured during this period is what burned all the bridges for me. Like look what you’re going through right now. Do you think this makes reconciliation easier?
I truly believe that LBS should get out the way as fast as possible and move on. And move forward. The best shot at reconciliation at least IMO, is where there are still bridges left. And the best shot to keep those bridges in tact is to complete disconnect and gtfo the way…. So you stay out of her orbit so she doesn’t destroy and consume everything around her. The longer you’re in her orbit. The more she will swallow and lay waste to. It’s just not worth it.
And I know it seems scary. But that’s when your own healing and real work can begin. But not while you’re in constant flight or fight and suffering never ending mental torture IMO. Day after day. It just does not get better anytime soon. And it causes real damage to LBS.
So yeah. My advice. Build a new life and move on. She’ll be there in the back. Watching from a distance. And maybe a chance for recon will happen at some point in the future. Maybe not. But at least you’ll be ok. And be true to yourself.
Onward!
@WHY,
Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement.
For my detachment mindset, I will be adding your “stay out of her orbit” and “gtfo of the way” sayings to my list :)
If I can truly be detached, it won’t matter when we pass by in the house, she’s just the roommate that I don’t know.
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I’m so sorry friend. We understand. We've all been there :(
Honestly. Perhaps I'm in the minority here. But I’m in the camp of its time to move on. My biggest mistake was “holding on”. Hoping to ride things out. Perhaps see some change. This was a massive mistake.
Thing is. The pain and mental torture endured during this period is what burned all the bridges for me. Like look what you’re going through right now. Do you think this makes reconciliation easier?
I truly believe that LBS should get out the way as fast as possible and move on. And move forward. The best shot at reconciliation at least IMO, is where there are still bridges left. And the best shot to keep those bridges in tact is to complete disconnect and gtfo the way…. So you stay out of her orbit so she doesn’t destroy and consume everything around her. The longer you’re in her orbit. The more she will swallow and lay waste to. It’s just not worth it.
And I know it seems scary. But that’s when your own healing and real work can begin. But not while you’re in constant flight or fight and suffering never ending mental torture IMO. Day after day. It just does not get better anytime soon. And it causes real damage to LBS.
So yeah. My advice. Build a new life and move on. She’ll be there in the back. Watching from a distance. And maybe a chance for recon will happen at some point in the future. Maybe not. But at least you’ll be ok. And be true to yourself.
Onward!
@WHY,
Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement.
For my detachment mindset, I will be adding your “stay out of her orbit” and “gtfo of the way” sayings to my list :)
If I can truly be detached, it won’t matter when we pass by in the house, she’s just the roommate that I don’t know.
One last comment… moving on is slightly difficult in a sense that people want/need other people sometimes (or at lest for me). I WANT to have a mate/partner. Flying solo until D gets a little lonely every now and then.
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I’m so sorry friend. We understand. We've all been there :(
Honestly. Perhaps I'm in the minority here. But I’m in the camp of its time to move on. My biggest mistake was “holding on”. Hoping to ride things out. Perhaps see some change. This was a massive mistake.
Thing is. The pain and mental torture endured during this period is what burned all the bridges for me. Like look what you’re going through right now. Do you think this makes reconciliation easier?
I truly believe that LBS should get out the way as fast as possible and move on. And move forward. The best shot at reconciliation at least IMO, is where there are still bridges left. And the best shot to keep those bridges in tact is to complete disconnect and gtfo the way…. So you stay out of her orbit so she doesn’t destroy and consume everything around her. The longer you’re in her orbit. The more she will swallow and lay waste to. It’s just not worth it.
And I know it seems scary. But that’s when your own healing and real work can begin. But not while you’re in constant flight or fight and suffering never ending mental torture IMO. Day after day. It just does not get better anytime soon. And it causes real damage to LBS.
So yeah. My advice. Build a new life and move on. She’ll be there in the back. Watching from a distance. And maybe a chance for recon will happen at some point in the future. Maybe not. But at least you’ll be ok. And be true to yourself.
Onward!
@WHY,
Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement.
For my detachment mindset, I will be adding your “stay out of her orbit” and “gtfo of the way” sayings to my list :)
If I can truly be detached, it won’t matter when we pass by in the house, she’s just the roommate that I don’t know.
One last comment… moving on is slightly difficult in a sense that people want/need other people sometimes (or at lest for me). I WANT to have a mate/partner. Flying solo until D gets a little lonely every now and then.
Normal to feel a bit lonely sometimes. Loneliness won’t kill you though and it can be a good opportunity to see who you are now without a partner. And you are vulnerable to picking poorly right now and doing so will not improve you or your kids lives atm, you have enough on your plate, hence my advice to steer clear of the temptation of very appealing ladies who make you feel better - at least for a while 😝
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One of my mantras was, "I will not get sucked into your eddy of despair."
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@Treasur - agreed, friends and family can see the load I’m carrying… I can handle it. It’s a lot, but doable.
@forthetrees - thx, added to my list
PS - we need a suggestions area on this forum… a like button would be great too
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Hi, such a strange world that we live is as we watch the spouse that we loved become a total stranger, and do things we could never imagine they would do...but of course, MLC is a 180 degree change in who they were.
I watched RCR's video. The information and advice that she continues to give on other places then the forum is still focused on the pathology of MLC and an understanding of the crisis that they are experiencing.
You mentioned you are still standing and you are wise enough to know that you must move forward in your own life, protect your assets, focus on your kids...but the love and feelings for your wife, they don't just go away because you'd like them to.....and it hurts so much to see what she is doing...but working through that hurt is important to get to a place of peace about this.
Some feel very strongly that the only way to find peace is to cut them out of your life completely, I have found another way that has worked well......I know he is a different man than the one I was with for 35 years but I am glad that we can spend time together with one another and as a family and that I don't find that a terrible thing. He is still family to me, he is important in my past and I found that by being open to his being around at times, really doesn't cost me anything. People often say "so you are friends" but I answer no, not friends....unless there was some resolution to what happened, it's more of a superficial relationship...yet I am very important to him and I still see him experiencing a great deal of pain in his life.
Just wanted to present a different view...you do what is right for you...what feels right for you and as my therapist told me a long time ago, I can change my mind from one day to the next...no decision I have made needed to be carved in stone...flexibility has allowed me a great deal of insight into his crisis and I am ok now, understanding that nothing is for "sure" in life.
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Also, I know that her car is at a hotel right now, I can only imagine what’s happening or about to. Do I confront? Mention slyly? Stay quiet? The court order included a status quo so I can’t kick her out. I know things are about to get worse but I’m not a doormat/deserve respect. Looking for help on this one, thx.
Treasur has very wisely covered many points you should carefully consider. Only thing I would like to add is this: ask yourself and try to answer honestly what is your MOTIVATION for asking/mentioning anything to her? I suspect you will find you are trying to fix or control or manipulate something that can't be done, and that you may be hoping you can still change reality in some way. And if this is the case then you may not only find it won't do what you would hope, but that you are essentially "pain shopping."
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Hey all,
Had a pretty couple good days this week being detached, hanging with kids, working … all that good stuff. The AP creeped into my thoughts a bit today, but I processed it/blowing off some steam, understood how I could heal from it, then released the thought and now I’m typing here. 😀
One other thought that has popped into my head… niece’s b-day party on the STBXW’s side is this weekend. I don’t think niece would miss that I wasn’t there plus it’s been said that if I wouldn’t go as a XH in 5 years, why go now. So currently I’m planning on not going. The one concern I have is if D10 asks me on why I’m not going. I want to say to her because mom doesn’t want to be with dad anymore, I’m not part of that family anymore, etc… but she’s just a child. I want to consider truth and transparency. D10 definitely knows something is going on, but I haven’t had a true sit down conversation with her about potentially being D. Hinted and small comments here and there, but nothing official.
All feedback is welcomed, thanks in advance.
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Hi TheShore,
I am glad to hear that you are in a good place mentally :)
Explaining the situation to your D10 is certainly difficult but in my opinion important. Kids sense that something is going on anyways, and draw their own conclusions which could cause more anxiety than knowing the truth, no matter what it is. I don’t suppose you could ask your wife to explain? Kids should at least know that no matter what happen, the adults will always take care of them and love them (you can’t promise this for someone else of course).
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Hi TheShore,
I am glad to hear that you are in a good place mentally :)
Explaining the situation to your D10 is certainly difficult but in my opinion important. Kids sense that something is going on anyways, and draw their own conclusions which could cause more anxiety than knowing the truth, no matter what it is. I don’t suppose you could ask your wife to explain? Kids should at least know that no matter what happen, the adults will always take care of them and love them (you can’t promise this for someone else of course).
Talking to D10 myself is something that I can still control. If I ask STBXW to do it, idk wtf she might say - I don’t trust a word that comes out of her mouth atm. It’s more about what I should say to D10 is what I’m needing/thinking if it comes up.
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Also, about one more thought… why should I be by the side of someone who is treating me with abuse / disrespect (affair) - I deserve respect. I’m not playing happy family at least in this setting.
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I want to say to her because mom doesn’t want to be with dad anymore, I’m not part of that family anymore, etc… but she’s just a child. I want to consider truth and transparency. D10 definitely knows something is going on, but I haven’t had a true sit down conversation with her about potentially being D. Hinted and small comments here and there, but nothing official.
All feedback is welcomed, thanks in advance.
I'm not sure what you have told your D already, but if she knows you are separating, then you can simply tell the truth and say you don't want to go because mom and dad are separating, and this is a special event for mom's side of the family. As you have hinted, what you want to say is rather loaded, and none of this is the fault of your niece, or directly the fault of your extended family. Better to keep it clean and neutral, as it is important that your D has good relationships with cousins and maternal relatives, and I doubt you want her to feel conflicted about that.
As the saying goes, discretion is the better part of valor....
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I want to say to her because mom doesn’t want to be with dad anymore, I’m not part of that family anymore, etc… but she’s just a child. I want to consider truth and transparency. D10 definitely knows something is going on, but I haven’t had a true sit down conversation with her about potentially being D. Hinted and small comments here and there, but nothing official.
All feedback is welcomed, thanks in advance.
I'm not sure what you have told your D already, but if she knows you are separating, then you can simply tell the truth and say you don't want to go because mom and dad are separating, and this is a special event for mom's side of the family. As you have hinted, what you want to say is rather loaded, and none of this is the fault of your niece, or directly the fault of your extended family. Better to keep it clean and neutral, as it is important that your D has good relationships with cousins and maternal relatives, and I doubt you want her to feel conflicted about that.
As the saying goes, discretion is the better part of valor....
I like that - this is an event on mom’s side of the family
Using that, tyty
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Whelp, pretty sure STBXW knows that I know she has an AP
I’ll spare the quick convo that happened, but I feel so much better. Probably not the best decision for the situation, but I couldn’t hold back and it was good for me. Like a load or a big weight off or something like that.
Also, had the convo with D10 about not going to the bday party, went well.
Until next time…
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Hey, there, Shore! I'm an oldie from way back, who isn't around much, but I do still pop in occasionally. I've read a lot of your thread, and quite a bit of what you've shared mirrors a lot of the same old MLC/LBS story. The lies, the AP, the anchor checks, the crazy, etc, etc.
For as far in as you are, I have to say you are doing remarkably well and putting serious thought into the decisions you make....unlike your MLC STBXW The road she is on will likely lead her off the same cliff my xh decided to swan dive off years ago. Nothing you do or say will prevent this, so the decisions you are making today for yourself, with your kids in mind, will ensure that you and your children will have a stable future, filled with endless opportunities.
Whatever you decide to tell your kids about what is happening to your family unit as they know it, I'm certain that you will do it from a neutral standpoint. And I can 100% guarantee that you are correct in assuming your STBXW would definitely tell her "truth", which we all know here is about the furthest thing from it, so it's absolutely essential for you to be the one to address it when the time comes.
Also, as far as the AP, and the discussion you've had about him, a few well placed truth darts are sometimes necessary, and yes, sometimes satisfying, especially when you as the LBS are feeling the sting of the MLC'ERs disrespect. Sometimes these types just need to be slapped out of their fantasy land long enough to realize that we as LBS are still very much aware of reality as it stands, and we will do whatever we need to to protect ourselves and the things we love, from their selfish crazy. With that said, carry on!
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Hey, there, Shore! I'm an oldie from way back, who isn't around much, but I do still pop in occasionally. I've read a lot of your thread, and quite a bit of what you've shared mirrors a lot of the same old MLC/LBS story. The lies, the AP, the anchor checks, the crazy, etc, etc.
For as far in as you are, I have to say you are doing remarkably well and putting serious thought into the decisions you make....unlike your MLC STBXW The road she is on will likely lead her off the same cliff my xh decided to swan dive off years ago. Nothing you do or say will prevent this, so the decisions you are making today for yourself, with your kids in mind, will ensure that you and your children will have a stable future, filled with endless opportunities.
Whatever you decide to tell your kids about what is happening to your family unit as they know it, I'm certain that you will do it from a neutral standpoint. And I can 100% guarantee that you are correct in assuming your STBXW would definitely tell her "truth", which we all know here is about the furthest thing from it, so it's absolutely essential for you to be the one to address it when the time comes.
Also, as far as the AP, and the discussion you've had about him, a few well placed truth darts are sometimes necessary, and yes, sometimes satisfying, especially when you as the LBS are feeling the sting of the MLC'ERs disrespect. Sometimes these types just need to be slapped out of their fantasy land long enough to realize that we as LBS are still very much aware of reality as it stands, and we will do whatever we need to to protect ourselves and the things we love, from their selfish crazy. With that said, carry on!
I have the AC on in the house, but wow it's cold in here!! Wait... that's my STBXW! She is not engaging me at all. Pretty sure she’s still ticked off about my truth darts about the AP from Friday. A couple informative texts about the kids from her yesterday. When we passed by a few times in the house today, I said hey there and got nothing back. Very very cold in here atm! It's all good though, I'm warm today - did a couple projects around the house, some work on the car, cooked, and watched a movie with the kids. Was a good day and was in a good place emotionally. Fully healing from betrayal will take some time, but I’m on my way. AP is a symptom of MLC. It’s an affair down. I keep my head high and keep moving forward.
Surprisingly, the creature came out of her hole today and sat on the back deck outside for a few hours to read a book. 🤷♂️
My daughter is awesome… she made a scavenger hunt for the fam to do. D10 invited everyone to do it - A little awkward because STBXW did it with S8 and I. She didn’t directly talk to me but she did say a few times to S8 things like “listen to your dad’s hint”. I really think D10 tries to come up with things like this to try and bring the family together…so sweet. She can see that something is wrong and is doing what she can. Also, since school is out for the summer, we let them sleep anywhere they want (kids sleep in their own room during the school year). I encourage the kids to sleep with their mom at least half the time because they usually want to sleep in the basement with me - I don't blame them though, it’s clean down here, doesn’t smell like a cat, and I engage with them. I don’t think their mom likes it..she wants to be close to D10, but she’s always been closer to me than her. Maybe just another RC to her MLC, who knows. I should take some of the screen shots of the texts she has sent me over the last 7 months about how I do too much for the kids, constantly taking them places, buying them things - whelp, guess I’m guilty. I probably am more engaged now with the kids than I’ve ever been, but nothing extravagant - I’ve always treated them well and as a father. I feel that she does things with them when it’s convenient and/or she’s feeling lonely. I also think she takes them up north to escape and avoid me, but also so that the kids aren’t around me. School is starting in a month so those trips will end soon.
Last night was pretty good as well... even though kids were away at the bday party, that didn't stop me from having fun by myself. Hit the gym, went out and had a couple adult beverages - met a couple that strangely hung out with all night, good conversations. Also, met some other people that were promoting a social club for singles... got to talking and they were divorced so we got to trade war stories. Told them I was still standing, not interested in the club but was nice to talk to people that understood and had compassion about my current situation.
Hey @BB, appreciate the kind words and encouragement. I got my bearings together early on when I found HHH. A good chunk of the recommendations apply from there, but my approach has changed over the course of time when I came to the realization that I have a MLCer and found this lovely place. I have my ups and downs like anyone, but all the research and knowledge I've gained has really helped - more good decisions than bad. Don’t be a stranger!
On the legal front, the next big date is October 3rd - 1st mediation. Not sure what to expect… I haven’t been prepped yet by my attorney but have submitted all the necessary paperwork as soon as it was requested about 3 weeks ago. Tick tock…
Does everyone write at the Pulitzer prize level here? Y’all are amazing when it comes to perfectly putting your thoughts into words.
We’ll see how this week goes. I bought the book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”. Going to start reading that, will be interesting to see what the guidance is from that author.
Until next time, talk soon. Best wishes to all.
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Hey, there, Shore! I'm an oldie from way back, who isn't around much, but I do still pop in occasionally. I've read a lot of your thread, and quite a bit of what you've shared mirrors a lot of the same old MLC/LBS story. The lies, the AP, the anchor checks, the crazy, etc, etc.
For as far in as you are, I have to say you are doing remarkably well and putting serious thought into the decisions you make....unlike your MLC STBXW The road she is on will likely lead her off the same cliff my xh decided to swan dive off years ago. Nothing you do or say will prevent this, so the decisions you are making today for yourself, with your kids in mind, will ensure that you and your children will have a stable future, filled with endless opportunities.
Whatever you decide to tell your kids about what is happening to your family unit as they know it, I'm certain that you will do it from a neutral standpoint. And I can 100% guarantee that you are correct in assuming your STBXW would definitely tell her "truth", which we all know here is about the furthest thing from it, so it's absolutely essential for you to be the one to address it when the time comes.
Also, as far as the AP, and the discussion you've had about him, a few well placed truth darts are sometimes necessary, and yes, sometimes satisfying, especially when you as the LBS are feeling the sting of the MLC'ERs disrespect. Sometimes these types just need to be slapped out of their fantasy land long enough to realize that we as LBS are still very much aware of reality as it stands, and we will do whatever we need to to protect ourselves and the things we love, from their selfish crazy. With that said, carry on!
I have the AC on in the house, but wow it's cold in here!! Wait... that's my STBXW! She is not engaging me at all. Pretty sure she’s still ticked off about my truth darts about the AP from Friday. A couple informative texts about the kids from her yesterday. When we passed by a few times in the house today, I said hey there and got nothing back. Very very cold in here atm! It's all good though, I'm warm today - did a couple projects around the house, some work on the car, cooked, and watched a movie with the kids. Was a good day and was in a good place emotionally. Fully healing from betrayal will take some time, but I’m on my way. AP is a symptom of MLC. It’s an affair down. I keep my head high and keep moving forward.
Surprisingly, the creature came out of her hole today and sat on the back deck outside for a few hours to read a book. 🤷♂️
My daughter is awesome… she made a scavenger hunt for the fam to do. D10 invited everyone to do it - A little awkward because STBXW did it with S8 and I. She didn’t directly talk to me but she did say a few times to S8 things like “listen to your dad’s hint”. I really think D10 tries to come up with things like this to try and bring the family together…so sweet. She can see that something is wrong and is doing what she can. Also, since school is out for the summer, we let them sleep anywhere they want (kids sleep in their own room during the school year). I encourage the kids to sleep with their mom at least half the time because they usually want to sleep in the basement with me - I don't blame them though, it’s clean down here, doesn’t smell like a cat, and I engage with them. I don’t think their mom likes it..she wants to be close to D10, but she’s always been closer to me than her. Maybe just another RC to her MLC, who knows. I should take some of the screen shots of the texts she has sent me over the last 7 months about how I do too much for the kids, constantly taking them places, buying them things - whelp, guess I’m guilty. I probably am more engaged now with the kids than I’ve ever been, but nothing extravagant - I’ve always treated them well and as a father. Or this really brings to focus the trauma she had as a kid and absent parents. I feel that she does things with them when it’s convenient and/or she’s feeling lonely. I also think she takes them up north to escape and avoid me, but also so that the kids aren’t around me. School is starting in a month so those trips will end soon.
Last night was pretty good as well... even though kids were away at the bday party, that didn't stop me from having fun by myself. Hit the gym, went out and had a couple adult beverages - met a couple that strangely hung out with all night, good conversations. Also, met some other people that were promoting a social club for singles... got to talking and they were divorced so we got to trade war stories. Told them I was still standing, not interested in the club but was nice to talk to people that understood and had compassion about my current situation.
Hey @BB, appreciate the kind words and encouragement. I got my bearings together early on when I found HHH. A good chunk of the recommendations apply from there, but my approach has changed over the course of time when I came to the realization that I have a MLCer and found this lovely place. I have my ups and downs like anyone, but all the research and knowledge I've gained has really helped - more good decisions than bad. Don’t be a stranger!
On the legal front, the next big date is October 3rd - 1st mediation. Not sure what to expect… I haven’t been prepped yet by my attorney but have submitted all the necessary paperwork as soon as it was requested about 3 weeks ago. Tick tock…
Does everyone write at the Pulitzer prize level here? Y’all are amazing when it comes to perfectly putting your thoughts into words.
We’ll see how this week goes. I bought the book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”. Going to start reading that, will be interesting to see what the guidance is from that author.
Until next time, talk soon. Best wishes to all.
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Hey Shore,
I haven’t posted in awhile but I was in similar situation to you. I can say the best thing to do is to detach. Now im guessing you haven’t left the house because you have a very good legal reason not too. Follow your lawyers advice.
Also does your state have 50/50 custody? That’s the next big thing. The first thing I did was to make sure Ms MLC knew what the law was and that come hell or high water I was enforcing my parental rights. (It helps I’m an attorney as well).
She at one point tried to tell me she wasn’t going to let me do an overnight with my son because she didn’t like my friends home where I was housesitting. I told her to call a lawyer the next day and that if she felt the same way in a few days I’d make sure I’d give her the chance to tell a Judge the same thing asap. She backed down after she spoke with a lawyer.
Now I say this because in my view detaching while asserting yourself is the best thing you can do. Ms MLC moved out almost a year ago and I’m in a completely different mood. It’s tough but does get easier and once she’s out and that dreadful miserable brooding presence is gone it will be like a giant weight has been lifted. Once she’s out, go no contact as much as you can with the kids. You owe nothing to her as a husband at that point. And if there’s a chance at reconciliation this is the best way to do it.
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@LBS
Thanks for the reply and advice… I usually tell old timers like yourself don’t be a stranger.
Detaching is key.
I'm still in the house (in the basement, all mine, ~1600 sq feet, bar, fridge, tv, sink, bathroom, sectional, tables... not bad at all), but STBXW gets to stay in the house as well because of the court order. In hindsight, I almost wish I encouraged her to leave when she wanted to ~March when she broke down and she was saying I was super dad and she couldn’t take it.
Custody can be anything but when I was served, they asked for 50/50 and I countered with that for now. Mediation in October. Michigan.
I sped read that “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” book… basically I’m a chump, lol. Definitely a different perspective and thoughts on when facing infidelity in a marriage. Pretty clear on what the author thinks about what to do when it happens (99% of the time recommended to move on). Had some good thoughts on detaching and being meh. Hit home on points regarding the entitlement and narcissism of the cheater. Made me think a little bit about my current reality. My hope is declining but still there. Still standing but going to take a lot more from her end if she ever wants to R. My spouse is an MLCer…infidelity is almost certain. Also a good approach on home to tell your kids.
Not too much else to say…still cold as ice in here. She just yelled down to see if I was working in the office Friday. Now she has to work from home because I need to go in and she is planning to go up north. Wonder if she’s going to bring her AP with her. Ticks me off a bit if yes and the in-laws are in the know…I’m not even going to ask. Oh well, fun weekend for the kids and I - can’t wait, already planning in my head.
Later all, all comments welcomed.
Let keep up the feedback on all threads, kind of dead on the forums last week.
PS - one last comment... her memory is getting bad. It was never great, but seems way worse. There was a combination of emojis she has used in the past that meant "YES", many times. I used that combination in a reply back to her in a text today and she had no idea what that meant.
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Hi TheShore,
I’m here but nothing much to report. H has moved out and we only communicate by short texts about kids or who’s paying which bill.
I hear you on detaching. In the beginning I would have done almost anything to get my H and M as it was back. But actually I am coming to see things weren’t so perfect? And H is not who he was, maybe he never was who I thought and he has changed so much. Day by day I get on by myself a bit better. (Not easy but not dying all the time). And 3+ months after BD I am no longer desperate for reconciliation. Would I love for it to happen? There are moments when I am no longer certain. If it is in the cards, rebuilding the trust will be difficult. Time will tell if me and H will even have the chance to try, but I can also see other paths forward, by myself (and my kids) or maybe at some point with another Person I do not know yet. But first I have a lot of healing to do.
Have a nice day :)
AF
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Hi TheShore,
I’m here but nothing much to report. H has moved out and we only communicate by short texts about kids or who’s paying which bill.
I hear you on detaching. In the beginning I would have done almost anything to get my H and M as it was back. But actually I am coming to see things weren’t so perfect? And H is not who he was, maybe he never was who I thought and he has changed so much. Day by day I get on by myself a bit better. (Not easy but not dying all the time). And 3+ months after BD I am no longer desperate for reconciliation. Would I love for it to happen? There are moments when I am no longer certain. If it is in the cards, rebuilding the trust will be difficult. Time will tell if me and H will even have the chance to try, but I can also see other paths forward, by myself (and my kids) or maybe at some point with another Person I do not know yet. But first I have a lot of healing to do.
Have a nice day :)
AF
@AF - thx for the reply. Keep the contact to a minimum imo. I have it in my mind today that detachment is truly the key to healing. No contact is best but in certain situations (kids like us and/or finances), that person will always be slightly part of your life which is almost impossible to truly detach. Keep living your life the way you see fit.
Which makes me think --> the biggest mindtruck of it all... how did our MLCer detach right in front of our faces? How did the MLCer live with us normally as everything was fine and then the next day, do a BD or ask for divorce or disappear or whatever the case may be. You would have to be almost mentally sick and/or not a normal person in order to be able to do this imo. At least for me and probably most of use here, we are so interconnected emotionally, my nervous system, that this other person was a part of my life, my daily routine. That's why it's such a shock to the moving forward spouse...how do you break that way of life in an instance as you get the bomb dropped on you? You can't. It takes time, being apart, a new way of life.
The "Let Them" mindset.
If they don't want to be part of your life anymore... let them
If they want to trash their future... let them
If they want to run away from their responsibilities... let them
If they want to affair down... let them
etc, etc...
Goes back to the idea that you can't control anyone (maybe influence) and you only can control yourself. Control your joy, your friends, your interests.
Stop checking their facebook/instagram. Stop pinging their GPS position to see where they are. Change their name in your phone. Don't call just to talk to them. Don't send them that meme. Stop looking at those vacation pictures.
You need to reprogram your body, mind, heart, and soul. (don't think of them at all... or maybe when you do, think of the bad times??)
What if I told you that in the next 90 days, the love of your life will walk into your world, what would you do with that info today? Me, I would do what I'm doing now - living it up! Doing what I want. For 2 reasons: 1) Because you should, love yourself, live your life, and 2) The things you have time for now might not be as available later because now you are tied up again in a relationship (which is good, but not in a way where you are codependent). In a relationship, there should be 3 parts, you, me, and us. All 3 should exist and prosper.
I might be rambling, but sometimes, when I do my video listening at night, I stumble on a good one and good thoughts emerge, good approach and mindset to the next day. I think that happened to me last night, good stuff.
Detaching is key to healing, got it. But, I think I've said it before as well as others.... when there is detachment, I think a person could detach so much that the love goes as well. I personally think that is what is actually happening. Your love is not as large for your MLCer as it was in the past. The bonds are shrinking. If the goal is to stand / potential for reconciliation one day, the idea is to minimize those bonds or make them as small as possible but not break them (if that's possible). If those bonds DO end up breaking, that doesn't mean that they can't be recreated.
I had another thought... that's why the MLCer most likely runs to an AP because the bonds to us are fully broke / there is a hole in their life that they want to fill it with. They don't want the reminder of us. Escape and avoid. The entitlement and narcissism inside of them needs to be fed. They are normal in a way that they are human, people need people, but are truly lost and broke along the way. Somehow they have built up a resentment to their spouse and used that to break away. The MLCer most likely has a AVOIDANT attachment style, thus the running, but needs to be bonded to another person due to the other reasons. What a conundrum.
Journaling here and working makes the day go by fast. Kiddoz and I are going to the athletic club for gym/daycare, pool, and then dinner before I have to come back home to do my "love doctor" tonight (that what I tell my kids what my therapist is).
Gotta make some plans with the kiddos for this weekend. Exciting! Bed Bath and Beyond, Home Depot... IDK if I'll have time for any more fun... (lol, hope everyone gets the movie reference).
Lastly, I cooked some pollo asado (Mexican chicken) on the flattop last night. Did a vegetable medley, melted some cheese on top of some the chicken (skinless thighs + tenderloins), refried beans, guacamole, tortilla chips, salsa, lettuce, tomatoes, cilantro - a fat kid's (me) healthy dinner, so good. Pretty sure the MLC creature came out of her room last night to grab some to eat... she can't resist, lol. D10 ate it up pretty good as well which is always nice. S8 only eats chicken nuggets so there wasn't even a chance on that front. (PS - not fat anymore, I think down to ~190 from 235. I'm still a fatty/love to eat at heart. I could easily crush a full large pizza. Even when I'm ripped/skinny/good shape, my buddies always like to tease me an call me "husky"- I guess I got that type of body/frame)
I feel good this morning, best wishes to you all. Talk more soon.
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The food sounds delicious. I’d love to taste some :) I have lost 17 pounds as well which is 13% of my weight, not good. I barely have any appetite and cooking is just for survival atm. I have a hard time thinking up things to do with S9 Especially on weekends. S14 does not want to participate in anything. S17 is now at H’s place for the 1st week of high school and coming home for the weekend. Maybe I will just make pizza at home. Everything feels so painful now, because H is not participating (moved out and is a vanisher type). But i suppose it gets better with time. You seem to be doing a good job keeping your spirits up and having good times with the kids TheShore!
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I agree with the "Let Them" mentality. We are forced to do this anyway because like you said, we can only control ourselves, as it turns out. Hardest lesson ever to learn that.
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I agree with the "Let Them" mentality. We are forced to do this anyway because like you said, we can only control ourselves, as it turns out. Hardest lesson ever to learn that.
I really do think this is key to healing. I know that RCR as well as others talk about planting seeds by establishing friendship / memories / etc. early on in the crisis, but eventually, one must really detach because having that reminder constantly is daily psychological abuse and trauma to the mind imo. After you plant your seeds, dark/no contact might be the best way to go for a short period. Maybe ~30 days.
The food sounds delicious. I’d love to taste some :) I have lost 17 pounds as well which is 13% of my weight, not good. I barely have any appetite and cooking is just for survival atm. I have a hard time thinking up things to do with S9 Especially on weekends. S14 does not want to participate in anything. S17 is now at H’s place for the 1st week of high school and coming home for the weekend. Maybe I will just make pizza at home. Everything feels so painful now, because H is not participating (moved out and is a vanisher type). But i suppose it gets better with time. You seem to be doing a good job keeping your spirits up and having good times with the kids TheShore!
Food is good - anyone can cook (Ratatouille, right?). Good to lose some weight, just stay in a healthy weight. I'm doing well but I get pain bouts just like you. Gotta process / go through the memory/pain/etc., understand what you can learn from it, and then let it go. Re-reading some of my good thoughts in posts I've made usually brings my mind to ease. Pizza at home ain't a bad option... Detroit deep dish is the way to go around my parts. Paired with some wings and antipasto salad... food coma incoming!
In regards to kid entertainment: mall, arcade, top golf, bowling, park, trampoline park, dinner, go karts, library, Sam's/Costco run, movies, movie night at home, board games, yardwork, splash park, gym/pool, bake cookies, ice cream run, cards, ipad/roblox/minecraft, take a walk, roller skating - those are most of my go to options with the kiddoz. Maybe one of these will work for you. We're doing an air plane museum tomorrow morning! Should be interesting.
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I've been away, vacation, corrupted computers at work, etc. You have gotten fabulous advice and seem to have settled in to working through the duration. Great job!
The most important thing is to make sure your Financials are covered (like, she can't spend all the joint money) and making sure you get the custody of your kids that you want/need/they need, imo. And document when she flakes on the kids. It could come in handy.
I am a firm believer in keeping the house the kids grew up in. Let her move out if she wants to and if you can manage the house and kids on your own. If it comes up again.
Living in the same house with my ex before he was my ex was very hard. In my case, he turned on the fake charm and we were all great friends! 🤮 So I picked up my S then 16 from school, we had our time, I made dinner, and when bozo arrived home, I'd disappear to my room. I didn't heal until he moved out. It does take a toll. Good that you have your basement abode.
Bottom line is she isn't who she was. If she gets herself worked out, she still won't be the same. She might be better, worse or just different. You living your life is what will save your sanity, and honestly help your kids, standing or not. Planting seeds may not help, because they may not remember next week. It only feels good for them in the moment, then the moment fades. They have to work it out for themselves.
You are doing great. (Sorry if the writing is choppy, I am terrible at typing on a phone)
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I've been away, vacation, corrupted computers at work, etc. You have gotten fabulous advice and seem to have settled in to working through the duration. Great job!
The most important thing is to make sure your Financials are covered (like, she can't spend all the joint money) and making sure you get the custody of your kids that you want/need/they need, imo. And document when she flakes on the kids. It could come in handy.
I am a firm believer in keeping the house the kids grew up in. Let her move out if she wants to and if you can manage the house and kids on your own. If it comes up again.
Living in the same house with my ex before he was my ex was very hard. In my case, he turned on the fake charm and we were all great friends! 🤮 So I picked up my S then 16 from school, we had our time, I made dinner, and when bozo arrived home, I'd disappear to my room. I didn't heal until he moved out. It does take a toll. Good that you have your basement abode.
Bottom line is she isn't who she was. If she gets herself worked out, she still won't be the same. She might be better, worse or just different. You living your life is what will save your sanity, and honestly help your kids, standing or not. Planting seeds may not help, because they may not remember next week. It only feels good for them in the moment, then the moment fades. They have to work it out for themselves.
You are doing great. (Sorry if the writing is choppy, I am terrible at typing on a phone)
Thanks for the kind words… I’ll write about finances later, but pretty sure I’ll keep the house. I’m good financially, always have been. I’ve always ran the finances for the house, got the alerts and limits on. I don’t think she even knows how to log into any of our accounts. Now she could go to the bank and withdraw directly, but even that would be a challenge for her. Not much I can really do due to status quo order, but if there was something big/wild/extravagant, I would be protected by the same order.
Just one comment for the night… even though I’m pretty “meh” about STBXW most of the time, the only thing that gets my blood boiling is her and the AP. What disrespect. What blatant lies. Makes me think, what a wasted investment. Everything I’ve ever done, bent the knee on, given into… only to be sh!t on like this. I remember she told me she would never cross that line. Never believe a word that comes out of a MLCer’s mouth, always true. If anything, these are the toughest thoughts for me personally to go through. I do eventually, but just pisses me off. What a betrayal.
How can a person have an AP, but still want to live in the same house as their spouse? I guess cheaters do it all the time. Great example for our kids (not). I couldn’t stomach it for 1 second.
Later y’all
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Back to back post by me, woot! I think journaling is a good tool to use to relieve stress, work through pain, etc... this topic at some point will pop in my head during the day, got to process it.
Not much to post about on the STBXW front. She's still doing something with the AP. Very cold to me when we crossed paths in the house yesterday. STBXW did seem interested when I was helping D10 put together a glider plane that she got when we went to the flight museum this weekend. After STBXW returned from up north (pretty sure AP was NOT with here), she stayed in her cave/bedroom for the entire day. She stays in there away from everyone. S8 was up there for most of the night, but STBXW couldn't be bothered to talk to D10 again (you know, your kid that you haven't seen all weekend). When the kids FaceTime'd her before she got back, she sounded "excited" to talk to them, but I swear it's all fake. Like, it's her defense mechanism and she's trying to keep it together, pretending to be happy about her life and the decision she's made - doubling down almost. Such a betrayal to not only me but to them as well.
Back to what I should be focusing on, the kiddos! We had a great weekend together - lot of food, pool, mall, arcade. Can't wait for the next one.
S8's Bday is coming up... typically we go up north to her side of the family's places. Well, the dates are on our family calendar in the house. I plan on NOT going... tough, but I've come to that decision already. I've already thought about what I will say to STBXW --> "since you have already crossed a line (which she said she wouldn't, lol), I'm not going to pretend to play happy family with a spouse and an active affair going on. I deserve respect and will not be your safety net"... something like that. Also, I will have my own BDAY party for S8 at the house the following weekend with food, cake, presents, and inviting his friends. Will be fun. Might as well get used to it as this is our future now. I'll not be a cuck/some 2nd hand person.
Anyways, have a nice day all. Hope to hear from y'all soon.
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One last question...
Communication levels with my MLCer... any recommendations? Note that she is an at-home MLCer. We do have 2 kids at home that I take care of most of the time.
Let me give an example:
She doesn't talk to me for ~1-2 days.... Then I'll get a text that she has to hit Sam's club on the way home and let her know if I need anything. I want to reply back saying, "nothing for me, but ask your AP if he want's anything" (that's my rage coming out, lol). But, being emotionally regulated, I don't reply at all. I don't think things mean much if anything all when interacting with STBXW atm (unless it's questions, pressure, etc...). I don't want to put on the perception that we are friendly while AP is still around. I understand that communication is necessary if there is any chance at R, but atm, I'm doing a dark/no-contact as much as I can. Not as a punishment, but out of my own self-worth and healing.
Am I overthinking this? Over reacting? Any feedback welcomed, thanks in advance!
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Hey, Shore! As far as communication, keep it short and sweet, almost business-like. As far as anything personal or unnecessary, like the Sam's deal, I would not engage. You are not buddies, and you have the right to keep your boundaries. She has an AP and initiated a D. Those are hard lines for just about everyone.
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Hey, Shore! As far as communication, keep it short and sweet, almost business-like. As far as anything personal or unnecessary, like the Sam's deal, I would not engage. You are not buddies, and you have the right to keep your boundaries. She has an AP and initiated a D. Those are hard lines for just about everyone.
Ok! Thanks for feedback and confirming, appreciated! I got the right mindset.
If anyone else wants to comment, please feel free.
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Hi TheShore! I have no advice but I just want to comment that what your STBXW does is really hurtful, and I think you’re right to think of your own well-being first and foremost (and the kids of course).
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Sounds like you are trying to be as dim as possible in your contact, that's your boundary, so I would apply the Rule of 3 in these types of situations.
1) If there is blood, injury, or death involved, respond within 3 minutes
2) If it is legal, contractual, financial, something to do with kids that doesn't fall under #1, planning, etc., respond within 3 days
3) If is it idle chatter, 3 weeks (if at all)
I don't blame you for wanting to split out on the birthday party. Those encounters during the D proceedings can be so painful for the LBS. I like your idea of having something special for him on your own. When S20 graduated HS we did end up doing a dual party but that was after 8 years and my heart had mended.
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Hey, Shore! As far as communication, keep it short and sweet, almost business-like. As far as anything personal or unnecessary, like the Sam's deal, I would not engage. You are not buddies, and you have the right to keep your boundaries. She has an AP and initiated a D. Those are hard lines for just about everyone.
Ok! Thanks for feedback and confirming, appreciated! I got the right mindset.
If anyone else wants to comment, please feel free.
I agree with others here - it’s difficult when you’re under the same roof, of course, but keeping it simple can help. Google BIFF. Assume any email or text could be used by a lawyer. If she doesn’t ask a question, ignore unless it’s an emergency involving the kids. Stick to facts only -so a Yes or No re that text for example.
I’m sure you’re right that she is trying to normalise the situation as it is and you’re under no obligation to play along. Well done though for not giving in to your impulse to add snark. It won’t help, even if your feelings are understandable, and you share children so will probably need to have some basic factual communication in future, so best to start now as you mean to go on. And as you become more emotionally detached, it will get easier.
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Hey all, journaling moment:
For me the affair is the toughest part. She carries on like I’m a nobody. I don’t let it show in front of her whenever we cross paths (which is still extremely minimal). Pretty sure she is sending pics of her and the kids to the AP. Asking my lawyer about that, but I bet there won’t be anything I can do because it’s her kids as well. I remember in the past when posting/sending pics of our kids was restricted… oh how times have changed. Also, pretty sure that limerance is driving the affair. I did find a meme that was sent that said, “I love F’ing you, oops, I mean, I love you”. How can you fall in love with someone in ~1-2 months in a restricted type of relationship with someone at work? Boggles the mind…
Anyway, I don’t think it does much good dwelling on the topic above… so on to me. I’m flying solo this weekend as she dragged the kids up north again. Got to play some Pickleball last night for the 1st time, very fun. Plans for the rest of the weekend… not sure yet. Nothing wild, probably some shopping, get a nice bite to eat somewhere, gym/pool, knock off a couple things on my todo list.
For those of you with kids, how did you manage things like school pick ups and drop offs? I’m trying to think for the future. I do have an 8-5 type job. I can sneak out early if needed, but I don’t have any family on my side to watch kids. The MIL is available and has been helping in the summer, but I really want to break away from support on her side of the family. I’m thinking I might have to sign up for latchkey or whatever it’s called in order so I can drop and pick up the kids and hour early/later.
Future future thinking… for the kids in the summer, they will be 11 and 9 then… I’m concerned with leaving them home alone if I have to go into the office (I’m hybrid so not every day), still a little too young. Any recommendations welcomed.
Lastly, there are little things that can always be changed… for example, the SSID for the house is WIFEisBEST - I set that up a while ago, I always did little fun loving things like that. I wanna change it to something else! Looking for ideas… also just checking to make sure if anyone would think it’s a bad idea. Not that it would ruin anything, more of just harm prevention like all of the actions we most take.
Thanks in advance, take care all, have a nice weekend
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I would start budgeting for day camp for next summer. Read reviews this summer and ask your kids if they have a special interest type of camp like nature, science, dance, art, sports, etc. As for the SSID, yeah, I would change it bc that´s just mind firetruckery to have to type that in. I´d be tempted to go snarky but in the end would opt for neutral.
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Yoooo11 people,
Not too much to write about today. Solo weekend was pretty good. Got to play some pickleball, went out to dinners, ran into people I knew, did some shopping, went to the mall, did laundry for the fam (not STBXW’s though lol), cooked dinner on the flattop, drank a lot of iced coffee. Fun fun.
STBXW came home with the kiddos today. Surprisingly she said a few things to me. Maybe her and the AP are on the rocks lol. She just got a nose ring before she left for the weekend if that means anything. I didn’t mention it or point it out. If I had to guess, tattoo is next.
One thing I read over the weekend… why chase someone that doesn’t love you or is interested in you? This line helped put my mind at ease the last few days. To me, the hard thing is that I still think deep down inside her heart somewhere is that she still does. But what do I know. Her actions don’t show it. I will act accordingly.
Got a new phone - switched from T-Mobile to Xfinity to save some $$$ and got an upgrade deal. I had a iPhone 8+… almost a decade old so it was time.
Hope to hear from anyone soon. The replies are therapeutic. I just joined the facebook group and there is a lot of activity there.
Later
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STBXW came home with the kiddos today... She just got a nose ring before she left for the weekend if that means anything. I didn’t mention it or point it out. If I had to guess, tattoo is next.
Ooooooh yeaaah, the nose ring. My ex-wife had a little side nose piercing, and tattoos. I found one of her tats sexy, but the others were like putting bumper stickers on an expensive car: Messing up the natural beauty. The friend who seemed to help her plan the divorce had a full septum piercing, so there's my opinion on THAT. :o
As we get older it's harder to find people to do things with. I took music lessons for a few years after my ex left, and a few of my classmates have started bands for fun, and have been playing some local bars. I went to see two of them over the past two weekends, and it's a lot of fun to see people you know on stage. They're trying to talk me into joining, but I'd have to buy a real drum set, and a vehicle to lug them around in. :) Sadly, the couple that I'm closest with might have to move out of state for work, but that's TBD.
I was on the Hero's Spouse facebook page for a while; I eventually found it to be somewhat unhinged, and found much better advice here. Glad you're at least getting out and doing things. It does take some getting used to. Keep on keepin' on!
JB
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Hi TheShore,
Good to hear your solo weekend was fun. I also have nothing much to report, these things take time… but GAL is good! I was helping a divorced friend renovate their new (old) house, that’s therapeutic and there will be things to do for years to come and then the garden :D
I also have the feeling that H has not stopped loving me completely, somewhere deep inside. But what is that worth? I think like you, that their actions mean the most.
The nose ring sounds a bit much, not knowing your STBXW.
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@JB / AF
The put a bumper sticker on expensive car comment is sooooo true. Seems like there are more and more people who do this these days to stand out or change their identity or whatever. They don’t do it because it looks good. On my STBXW and my opinion, it’s ok, it doesn’t look bad, but I feel unnecessary. She looks good with or without it (I lean a little more to without).
Whatever, can’t control it. No matter!
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RE: Kids. I second day camps. I was able to shift my work schedule to manage almost anything. Sometimes I had to find a neighbor or one of my son's friends parents to to help with morning drop off or afternoon pickup for school, though. I didn't get a lot of sleep for a couple of years, though.
RE: SSID, Just say you need to replace the router, do so and rename it. Unless your router is a year old, a new one won't hurt and might help (I had no idea how bad mine was, but it was 15 years old....state of the art back in the day). You can always BS that you can't reuse the old name if you want. Your choice. ;) You can always get funny, like calling it PININIT.
RE: Things to do. I joined several meetup groups and found some like minded crazy people who liked to drive off road. For a day or weekend I had a group of people who would not leave anyone behind. It was awesome. Plus I drive a stock 4 runner and had to pull several of the big boys out of their stuck spaces. They always let me go first because if I could make it, they thought anyone could make it until they figured out it's just as much how you drive as to how tall the vehicle is. Lots of good memories for me there. I went Ghost hunting, had coloring groups, found bizarre attractions to drive to. Step outside the comfort zone a little. Heck, I built a fake tree in my living room. It's still there. I love it.
I can't speak to nose rings or anything. I don't find them attractive on anyone, but that's just me. I do like a quality tattoo that's not obnoxious, but not my thing personally.
Living in the same space with a disrespectful MLCer is hard. Mine went from drooling over my Halloween costume to turning sideways so he wouldn't touch me in the hallway. Crazy making. Everyone gave you great advice, keep it business like. As if it's your third cousin twice removed staying with you. Polite, but don't go out of your way to be extra nice. At least that mostly worked for me until it didn't. Mine eventually made up things to be angry about. He couldn't stand that I was so reasonable. But as long as you keep to what is right for you, you'll be OK.
As a suggestion, if you or your kids might like an escape room and there is one around, you might try taking them to one. Leave your W at home. My kids and I had a blast at several rooms and it's something they will remember. Take them geocaching. Get some rocks and paint them, then leave them on a hike somewhere, Do a puzzle with them. Run through the sprinklers. Have a water fight. Make your own pizza on Friday night. Play Yahtzee. Read a book out loud. Your oldest is growing up fast. ;D
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@Offroad - thanks for the reply, good stuff. Appreciated.
Life goes on today… got some activities planned for the weekend. Pool with kids tonight. Lions game tomorrow down in the D (got tickets, actually going). Fun fancy back to school dinner on Sunday - kiddoz go back on Monday, so will be interesting to see how the home dynamics are now we are back to school session.
I’ve subbed to the wife expert… her take is a little different compared to the advice here. In general, it’s fairly consistent but the encouragement to engage seems to be always present. Not in a sense to go looking for it, but more details on how, no mention of no contact, and a few other topics about hugs and intimacy are the differences I see atm.
I sent a text to STBXW the other day about kid stuff… it expanded into a longer texting back and forth. I said f it and I engaged. We went back and forth for ~5 hours talking about things to do over the weekend, fun banter actually, like the real person was there at that moment in time. She actually agreed to go with us to the football game on Saturday so there’s that… no expectations. 😀
She did have to go down to the basement yesterday to grab something and saw all my books on cheating, MLC, etc… I got a text from her saying, “ Cool books just out for the kids to see. That’s nice”. I didn’t reply back anything at all - but if someone thinks I should reply, lmk.
Later, best wishes all.
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I’ve subbed to the wife expert… her take is a little different compared to the advice here. In general, it’s fairly consistent but the encouragement to engage seems to be always present. Not in a sense to go looking for it, but more details on how, no mention of no contact, and a few other topics about hugs and intimacy are the differences I see atm.
Just a note here.
A) You have to do what is right for you
B) There is wife expert and MLC wife expert. Which do you have? A REAL wife, encouragement would matter. An MLC wife, maybe, maybe not. And when an MLC wife heads deep in to the tunnel (where nothing you do is right, it never has been and your whole life together was a mistake), you can encourage and engage until the cows come home and it will not matter one bit.
C) No contact, dim, dark contact are for YOUR sanity should you need to go there. If you can have a normal conversation without her blowing a gasket, go for it. See A above.
D) As long as you realize that anything that happens regarding hugs /intimacy, etc mean absolutely nothing real while your W is in MLC and you can handle it, once again see A.
These stories are full of "We slept in the same bed, do you think he/she is coming out of it?" or "she/he smiled at me what does that mean?". My XH drooling over my Halloween costume meant nothing. His bringing Ice Cream for dessert while the family watched movies meant nothing. HIs wanting me to be involved in his "new business" not only meant nothing it was a set up for him to scream at me when I did exactly what he asked me to do, but it wasn't "what he wanted" (as if I am a mind reader). He KNEW he was wrong. He had to leave the house, but it didn't stop him from doing the exact same thing on another day. When I told him he could not yell at me that way, according to him, I'm the bad guy for mentioning he was yelling (?!?).
You need to do what you think is right for yourself and your family. But keep in mind a person in full blown MLC only cares about what they are getting out of anything. JMO and my experience. I don't want you to jump through all those hoops like so many of us have only to find your W holding that last hoop and it has a giant hole on the other side and you are somehow surprised it's there. Because someone in MLC doesn't really want you making it through those hoops. That would require them to actually try and make things work.
The above is JME. You need to do you, but as a...warning, maybe.... don't take it as your own failing if you do everything you think you should and it is still not enough, if it comes to that. I always encourage people to head down their own path. If their spouse's path converges with theirs, great. If it doesn't, still OK. (See Standing Strong's thread. He's going his own way and if she catches up, great. If not, he's still going his own way.)
Back to school so soon. I swear we didn't go back to school until AFTER Labor day. I hope you have fun with the kiddoz.
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I’ve subbed to the wife expert… her take is a little different compared to the advice here. In general, it’s fairly consistent but the encouragement to engage seems to be always present. Not in a sense to go looking for it, but more details on how, no mention of no contact, and a few other topics about hugs and intimacy are the differences I see atm.
Just a note here.
A) You have to do what is right for you
B) There is wife expert and MLC wife expert. Which do you have? A REAL wife, encouragement would matter. An MLC wife, maybe, maybe not. And when an MLC wife heads deep in to the tunnel (where nothing you do is right, it never has been and your whole life together was a mistake), you can encourage and engage until the cows come home and it will not matter one bit.
C) No contact, dim, dark contact are for YOUR sanity should you need to go there. If you can have a normal conversation without her blowing a gasket, go for it. See A above.
D) As long as you realize that anything that happens regarding hugs /intimacy, etc mean absolutely nothing real while your W is in MLC and you can handle it, once again see A.
These stories are full of "We slept in the same bed, do you think he/she is coming out of it?" or "she/he smiled at me what does that mean?". My XH drooling over my Halloween costume meant nothing. His bringing Ice Cream for dessert while the family watched movies meant nothing. HIs wanting me to be involved in his "new business" not only meant nothing it was a set up for him to scream at me when I did exactly what he asked me to do, but it wasn't "what he wanted" (as if I am a mind reader). He KNEW he was wrong. He had to leave the house, but it didn't stop him from doing the exact same thing on another day. When I told him he could not yell at me that way, according to him, I'm the bad guy for mentioning he was yelling (?!?).
You need to do what you think is right for yourself and your family. But keep in mind a person in full blown MLC only cares about what they are getting out of anything. JMO and my experience. I don't want you to jump through all those hoops like so many of us have only to find your W holding that last hoop and it has a giant hole on the other side and you are somehow surprised it's there. Because someone in MLC doesn't really want you making it through those hoops. That would require them to actually try and make things work.
The above is JME. You need to do you, but as a...warning, maybe.... don't take it as your own failing if you do everything you think you should and it is still not enough, if it comes to that. I always encourage people to head down their own path. If their spouse's path converges with theirs, great. If it doesn't, still OK. (See Standing Strong's thread. He's going his own way and if she catches up, great. If not, he's still going his own way.)
Back to school so soon. I swear we didn't go back to school until AFTER Labor day. I hope you have fun with the kiddoz.
Thanks OffRoad for the reply - truly appreciated!
I’m just checking in today, still alive, doing well actually.
The temperature is a little warmer in the house regarding my “roommate” 😀
Trying a little different approach when it comes to my MLCer, seems to be better for my situation… not that there has been some sort of huge change, maybe some normality returning to the household is best said. So strange as always!
Had a birthday party for S9 - a bunch of his friends and family came. Petting zoo too! I did most of the heavy lifting organizing, preparing, etc… but then the roommate came out of the cave to put her touches on everything which was nice and I welcomed it. It was almost like things were back to normal. Nothing like your kids to bring you together.
Also, I’m coaching D10’s flag football team - we had practice on Saturday after the party and was a blast.
Sitting watching NFL football today, grilling, life is good.
Best wishes to all!
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Hey all!
Haven’t posted here in a while… I’ve been engaged with the wife expert lately and her material and coaching.
Temperature in the house is up and down but way up when compared to July when she and Horseface were at their peak. D is still full steam ahead. Mediation is done: I can provide details if anyone is interested. I didn’t get everything I thought I would, but I didn’t get boned either. Court date is tentatively scheduled for 10/23. When the D is official, she has 60 days to move out (Yes, I got to keep the house!). 6 month morality clause included, best I could do in this state. 50/50 week on/of with kids, switching holidays.
Personally, been doing fairly well. Sure there are days when I get emotional, but I process the feelings and soon put that smile back on my face.
Kids are doing well. I’m coaching my daughter’s flag football team still every Saturday - it’s been a blast! I picked back up my hobby of playing live poker at the casinos… doing fairly well! It was like riding a bike. Sticking with the gym and eating well and cooking so in good shape!
That’s about it for me in general. Big highlight is the D is almost here for me… I can almost feel a slight excitement in the STBXW which is disappointing sometimes. It’s so strange sometimes because 1-2 times a week, she almost acts normal/like my wife/like she did in the past. I cherish those moments because they are soon gone. Detaching almost fully complete and I’m so close to the point of indifference.
I still browse the forums and keep up with mostly everyone’s story. My heart goes out to everyone here because it’s a difficult time and I feel for all of you.
Thanks again all, hope to hear from all of you soon.
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I´d like to think that in a few months you will be grateful to have reached a conclusion sooner than later. As someone who let it drag out for around 3 years due to various reasons, if I could go back in time I would have ended it much sooner. You have spared yourself years of further heartache. You reached acceptance much quicker than many. Though the pain is still brutal, your acceptance has spared you even more pain.
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I look back and am very grateful I ended mine quickly. It's painful either way, but at least the practical/business parts were complete.
And the marriage was over well before that anyway, as we well know. I just didn't know it.
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Accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference 😀
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You sound very put together. I was still melting down at the equivalent time.
I do agree with forthetrees. From where I stand now I believe it would have been better to take the more traditional interpretation of the situation, mainly that the relationship was indeed over. That being said, I don't think it was possible for me before it actually happened. I had too much hope that me and my ex were special and that it would be different for us, somehow. Her inconsistent behavior (which I now see as hesitation wounds) certainly did NOT help with that. Having those fantasies burst and then sitting with the feelings that poured out was incredibly challenging for me. I am glad that you are spared at least a layer of that!
Also glad that the system didn't disintegrate you, even if it could have been more kind. Congrats on the house!
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You sound very put together. I was still melting down at the equivalent time.
I do agree with forthetrees. From where I stand now I believe it would have been better to take the more traditional interpretation of the situation, mainly that the relationship was indeed over. That being said, I don't think it was possible for me before it actually happened. I had too much hope that me and my ex were special and that it would be different for us, somehow. Her inconsistent behavior (which I now see as hesitation wounds) certainly did NOT help with that. Having those fantasies burst and then sitting with the feelings that poured out was incredibly challenging for me. I am glad that you are spared at least a layer of that!
Also glad that the system didn't disintegrate you, even if it could have been more kind. Congrats on the house!
Thanks for the kind words, appreciated!
At least I can look back at the last ~10 months and be proud of my stand, how I acted, and was a faithful and trying partner through it all.
In regards to the mediation, lesson learned - I tried to protect funds from a condo that I owned prior to our marriage. I sold it about ~5 years after getting married. The mistake I made was putting the cash into our joint bank account —> couldn’t protect most of it. Things one doesn’t think about when you think you are with your forever person.
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My ex-wife's trick was insisting (via lawyer) that my main bank account was an "in-and-out" for expenses, so we were supposed to split it. (Not true, I just don't frequently move money out of it.) She was scraping through every trick in the book to eke out a few more $k.
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My ex-wife's trick was insisting (via lawyer) that my main bank account was an "in-and-out" for expenses, so we were supposed to split it. (Not true, I just don't frequently move money out of it.) She was scraping through every trick in the book to eke out a few more $k.
Yea, we tried, did the best we could.
The mediator knew my story and was very helpful/reasonable. Basically told me the judge would award split and extra $$$ in lawyer fees - best deal to take now.