[KayDee]

I had a feeling come over me…almost like the clock is ticking.  Or a realization that there probably won’t be enough time for her to get through her MLC before D.  Sure there is time, probably will take 9-12 months if I had to guess if it all goes down.  And I’ve heard stories of people dismissing on the day of. W could pause/dismiss at any time, but I guess I’ve come to accept that fate.  I’ve realized it’s never been a need and only a want.  I just hope that with detaching that the want doesn’t dwindle to a point where then I don’t want to R.  I guess time will tell but I visit here often to read stories and listen to RCRs YouTube vids every night to keep a good mindset.

You'll get lots of virtual clonks on the head for this one Shore  I know this will sound facile, but - don't worry about it. Take on the Stoic's approach of what is within and without your control circle. You can't see it now, but you will change. I personally think that the majority of people on this site, are people with high levels of reflection and empathy, and, most importantly, with a 'growth mentality'. It comes with the territory. We come to understand. Then we learn some more by trying to help others. And this process, like a degree course, or a mountain hike, a spell in jail, it teaches us, it changes us. Let that happen to you. Try, if you can, to be more present. In the moment. Enjoy those who show up for you.  Give back when you can. You will find so much gold in this poo-pile that you have been dealt. Divorce is a scary word. I get it. But it can also be a shackle. If your W does her own work, and truly acknowledges all that she lost (which was likely the best thing she will ever have) - you can reconnect as equals again. But where you will be then, I can only guess. Like Shore, only 150% more.

[Treasur]

I agree with KayDee so much on this.

My only practical advice is perhaps to limit how much time you spend on MLC videos etc. Not bc they are bad or unhelpful, more bc they naturally keep your eye turned towards your spouse and trying to predict or untangle the why of it all. Maybe don’t listen at night? Or every other night? Or interpose some other topics that you might be interested in that have nothing to do with your spouse/divorce etc?

Oh and be careful about getting sucked into podcasts or videos that are a bit ‘conspiracy/ish’….theres a lot of out there stuff out there lol….and imho when our system is jangling and more uncertain than usual, we are a bit more vulnerable to these things. 😜

What are you interested in that you don’t yet know much about?

[TheShore]

I changed this to My Story, since it is your story. This will be your thread and you can journal as much as you like. It helps to write it out.

Thank you!

 

I had a feeling come over me…almost like the clock is ticking.  Or a realization that there probably won’t be enough time for her to get through her MLC before D.  Sure there is time, probably will take 9-12 months if I had to guess if it all goes down.  And I’ve heard stories of people dismissing on the day of. W could pause/dismiss at any time, but I guess I’ve come to accept that fate.  I’ve realized it’s never been a need and only a want.  I just hope that with detaching that the want doesn’t dwindle to a point where then I don’t want to R.  I guess time will tell but I visit here often to read stories and listen to RCRs YouTube vids every night to keep a good mindset.

You'll get lots of virtual clonks on the head for this one Shore  I know this will sound facile, but - don't worry about it. Take on the Stoic's approach of what is within and without your control circle. You can't see it now, but you will change. I personally think that the majority of people on this site, are people with high levels of reflection and empathy, and, most importantly, with a 'growth mentality'. It comes with the territory. We come to understand. Then we learn some more by trying to help others. And this process, like a degree course, or a mountain hike, a spell in jail, it teaches us, it changes us. Let that happen to you. Try, if you can, to be more present. In the moment. Enjoy those who show up for you.  Give back when you can. You will find so much gold in this poo-pile that you have been dealt. Divorce is a scary word. I get it. But it can also be a shackle. If your W does her own work, and truly acknowledges all that she lost (which was likely the best thing she will ever have) - you can reconnect as equals again. But where you will be then, I can only guess. Like Shore, only 150% more.

Bonk me on the head, I’m here to learn.

I agree with KayDee so much on this.

My only practical advice is perhaps to limit how much time you spend on MLC videos etc. Not bc they are bad or unhelpful, more bc they naturally keep your eye turned towards your spouse and trying to predict or untangle the why of it all. Maybe don’t listen at night? Or every other night? Or interpose some other topics that you might be interested in that have nothing to do with your spouse/divorce etc?

Oh and be careful about getting sucked into podcasts or videos that are a bit ‘conspiracy/ish’….theres a lot of out there stuff out there lol….and imho when our system is jangling and more uncertain than usual, we are a bit more vulnerable to these things. 😜

What are you interested in that you don’t yet know much about?

It’s a little therapeutic and a ritual to keep my mindset, helping me heal.  Also, there are so many videos/topics that listening to a new one every night isn’t a problem, might learn something new 🤷🏻‍♂️

[TheShore]

Hey all,

Back to back posts incoming… sitting here winding down, thinking about the events for the day:

- Went indoor skydiving with kiddoz, what a blast, will do again
- Went to fancy dinner, yum

Interesting happenings for the day:
- W came downstairs in the morning while I was in the shower to pop a zit on her back?!?  I stepped to the exit of the shower in my “birthday suit” to do the job… she definitely was taking some looks
- Was upstairs getting S8 ready… she came into that bathroom with her “chest” basically hanging out asking for help cutting some areas of her dress to help fit them in…
- W came to main floor while I was there in her bra and granny panties (that time of the month, what she wears at that time) to throw something in the dryer, right in front of me
- W came with us to skydiving
- W went to her “graduation party”… I think it really was one (b/c she brought home a piece of cake and fork on a plate), but I think she has a new EA from work (the guy who she went to dinner with previously ).  She said it was a grad party for one of her female colleagues (lie I think).  I have the vehicle app registered on my car that she drives, so I know where she went, and then easy to find the names registered to addresses where her car was… but, she only stayed ~an hour and actually met us at the restaurant we were at 🤔🤷🏻‍♂️

Whatever, so strange.  I didn’t think about it too much until just now.  I had a blast all day with the kids which was my main focus.  The party concludes tomorrow with top golf, pool, and birthday dessert.

Cya all soon

[UrsaMajor]

I had a feeling come over me…almost like the clock is ticking.  Or a realization that there probably won’t be enough time for her to get through her MLC before D.  Sure there is time, probably will take 9-12 months if I had to guess if it all goes down.  And I’ve heard stories of people dismissing on the day of. W could pause/dismiss at any time, but I guess I’ve come to accept that fate.  I’ve realized it’s never been a need and only a want.  I just hope that with detaching that the want doesn’t dwindle to a point where then I don’t want to R. 

First off.....


Second, MLC is an ultra-marathon slog through mud that has the consistency of Tar.... This is not a "9-12 months) time span..... If the circumstantial evidence here is any indication, the "normal MLC" runs in the area of 5-9 YEARS. so if the D is coming in less than a year, there is virtually NO way in Hades that she's going to be even close to getting through the first stages in a year, let alone returning to realty from Schmoopie-land.

Is "Zit popping" really part of your duties now that she has decided that you are 2nd cousin to Beelzebub? Married partners might do this for one another but, if she has decided to end the marriage... well... You have been fired (or relieved) relieved from duties as Zit Popper in Chief.... whether she is casting an eye on your junk or not is irrelevant, as is having her girls hanging out there on display.... This could be nothing more than an attempt to see if she can still get a rise out of you after treating you like a 5-week old dead fish....

[TheShore]

I had a feeling come over me…almost like the clock is ticking.  Or a realization that there probably won’t be enough time for her to get through her MLC before D.  Sure there is time, probably will take 9-12 months if I had to guess if it all goes down.  And I’ve heard stories of people dismissing on the day of. W could pause/dismiss at any time, but I guess I’ve come to accept that fate.  I’ve realized it’s never been a need and only a want.  I just hope that with detaching that the want doesn’t dwindle to a point where then I don’t want to R. 

First off.....


Second, MLC is an ultra-marathon slog through mud that has the consistency of Tar.... This is not a "9-12 months) time span..... If the circumstantial evidence here is any indication, the "normal MLC" runs in the area of 5-9 YEARS. so if the D is coming in less than a year, there is virtually NO way in Hades that she's going to be even close to getting through the first stages in a year, let alone returning to realty from Schmoopie-land.

Is "Zit popping" really part of your duties now that she has decided that you are 2nd cousin to Beelzebub? Married partners might do this for one another but, if she has decided to end the marriage... well... You have been fired (or relieved) relieved from duties as Zit Popper in Chief.... whether she is casting an eye on your junk or not is irrelevant, as is having her girls hanging out there on display.... This could be nothing more than an attempt to see if she can still get a rise out of you after treating you like a 5-week old dead fish....

Thanks for the reply Ursa... always good to get a bonk to get the brain back on track.  It just gets confusing sometimes... W is completely distant/don't even know her during part of the day... then a switch will flip in her and it's like back to enjoying life together as H+W/as a family.  So strange.

Sunday birthday activities concluded with Top Golf... W reached out an joined us?!?
Then I hit the pool at the athletic club with the kiddoz... W went on a FB Marketplace run to buy a piece of wall art (looks like something a 17 year old would like, whatever), but then she sent me a text and joined us at the pool?!?
Came back home and later that night D10 played happy birthday on the piano and we ate cookies and cupcakes.  Kiddoz gave me their cards and the gift they bought me.  W did actually get me something and got me a hat that she just handed to me (definitely not her typical gift giving where it would be in a bag along with a bunch of other stuff like clothes, candy, thoughtful message, etc...).  Felt very last minute.

I really enjoy everyone's comments - all are welcomed, thanks in advance.

[TheShore]

Hey all,

Flew solo this weekend, had a lot of fun.  Felt like I did almost 20 years ago when I lived alone and enjoyed my independence.  Strange but nice.
Kiddoz came back today and had a low key evening hanging with them (I did make hibachi on the Blackstone so that was yum)

Lastly, when I listen to rcr vids on YouTube, some other ones pop up… I liked the voice of this guy but the content of this specific link was helpful imo.  Maybe it can help you too: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AXg0V_5HB-g

Later

[Arcticfox]

Hi TheShore, that was a good video. I´m on day 4 since H moved out, so I guess it is natural to think of him and the situation a lot. But I bookmarked the video and maybe I will remember getting back to it later if I need help with detaching.

It is good to hear that you enjoyed flying alone. There is a certain freedom to traveling all by yourself. I have made a habit during the last years, due to one of my son´s hobby that takes us to places, to have a good time exploring new towns on my own (while he is playing all day). Doing that doesn´t really require one to have someone waiting somewhere. A good reminder that one can enjoy the total independence of being on your own.

[TheShore]

Sitting here in Rhode Island on the beach, enjoying life

But, on others topics, I know that W went out to a bar/restaurant last night and was shady about it, didn’t even reply back to kids when they called her to try and tell her we got here safely.

Also, I know that her car is at a hotel right now, I can only imagine what’s happening or about to.  Do I confront?  Mention slyly?  Stay quiet?  The court order included a status quo so I can’t kick her out.  I know things are about to get worse but I’m not a doormat/deserve respect.  Looking for help on this one, thx.   

[Treasur]

Sitting here in Rhode Island on the beach, enjoying life

But, on others topics, I know that W went out to a bar/restaurant last night and was shady about it, didn’t even reply back to kids when they called her to try and tell her we got here safely.

Also, I know that her car is at a hotel right now, I can only imagine what’s happening or about to.  Do I confront?  Mention slyly?  Stay quiet?  The court order included a status quo so I can’t kick her out.  I know things are about to get worse but I’m not a doormat/deserve respect.  Looking for help on this one, thx.

This experience is a Life101 lesson for most of us about the things we cannot control and how we respond to that imho. Most of us find it’s a surprisingly long list and it challenges a lot of our prior assumptions about how life works, so it tends to be a bit of a process of trial and error, doesn’t it?

I don’t know how you know where your wife is, but I’d encourage you to expose yourself to less of that info. You’re an adult. You know why married people go to bars and hotels without their spouses. You know enough.

And I’d encourage you to stop thinking of her as your ‘wife’ currently. Actually, do what you can to stop thinking about her at all. A couple of weeks ago, you were focused on zit popping and chesty displays - I hope you can see that this meant nothing. A few days ago, you were focused on her showing up to play family - I hope you can see that this meant nothing either. And this is why we bang on about detachment being so important bc it’s exhausting to be on that kind of rollercoaster and to have one’s view of the world shaped so much by the inconsistent and self-centred behaviour of someone else.

I’m sorry that you are forced legally to share your home with her - how long is that likely to last? And what changes have you made in how you organise day to day things? Basic stuff…finances, schedules, sleeping arrangements, food etc? Bc right now you are not sharing your home with a wife - you are sharing it with someone who looks like your wife but is more like a distant and unwanted teenage roommate, I suspect.

She is going to do whatever she is going to do. And you can’t control that. Nor tbh can we make anyone respect us if they don’t. All we can do is respect ourselves sufficiently to step away from them and decide to not play whatever role they have given us in whatever game they are playing.

So, practically speaking, no, don’t do any of those things - your ‘wife’ does not care what you think or feel (if she did, she would not be doing what she’s doing, would she?) so there’s no point talking about it to her. Talking will not change anything. Plus it keeps you hooked into the game and feeds her sense of importance imho. You are going to feel how you feel, but find other places and people to share those thoughts and feelings. Show her nothing. Say very little about anything much. Do not ask her questions bc either a) she will lie or b) you won’t like the answers or c) you won’t be able to do anything useful with them.

So, what can you do?
Focus on your own life and activities. Focus on your kids. Pull away from doing ‘family’ things that involve her. Expect nothing good from her. Read about going grey rock. Stop mentally calling her ypur ‘wife’ - perhaps experiment with something like ‘soon to be ex wife’ or ‘kids’ mother’? Focus on the process of accepting that you are almost certainly going to end up being an ‘ex husband’ and start behaving now in ways you think are appropriate as an ‘ex husband’….things you will stop, start or continue, but choices you consider that are intentional rather than reacting in the ‘same old, same old’ way if that makes sense? (And avoid alcohol and attractive women to chat with for a while bc neither of those will help lol)

I am very very sorry. We know how hard it is when one’s spouse has metaphorically left the building but is still physically there. It’s a bit of a mindf**k, isn’t it? But imho the sooner you can swallow the horrible pill that your wife is no longer your wife, and that you have no control or influence over her behaviour or feelings, the easier things get. We all eventually learn to call a quacking thing with feathers a duck, but not one of us underestimates how hard and painful that can be. But looking reality in the eye ironically is what gives us new choices and new ways to treat ourselves with respect and consideration when our ‘spouse’ simply does not.

Beach sounds good, so more of that!