[TheShore]

@Treasur - agreed, friends and family can see the load I’m carrying… I can handle it.  It’s a lot, but doable.

@forthetrees - thx, added to my list

PS - we need a suggestions area on this forum… a like button would be great too

[xyzcf]

Hi, such a strange world that we live is as we watch the spouse that we loved become a total stranger, and do things we could never imagine they would do...but of course, MLC is a 180 degree change in who they were.

I watched RCR's video.  The information and advice that she continues to give on other places then the forum is still focused on the pathology of MLC and an understanding of the crisis that they are experiencing.

You mentioned you are still standing and you are wise enough to know that you must move forward in your own life, protect your assets, focus on your kids...but the love and feelings for your wife, they don't just go away because you'd like them to.....and it hurts so much to see what she is doing...but working through that hurt is important to get to a place of peace about this.

Some feel very strongly that the only way to find peace is to cut them out of your life completely, I have found another way that has worked well......I know he is a different man than the one I was with for 35 years but I am glad that we can spend time together with one another and as a family and that I don't find that a terrible thing. He is still family to me, he is important in my past and I found that by being open to his being around at times, really doesn't cost me anything. People often say "so you are friends" but I answer no, not friends....unless there was some resolution to what happened, it's more of a superficial relationship...yet I am very important to him and I still see him experiencing a great deal of pain in his life.

Just wanted to present a different view...you do what is right for you...what feels right for you and as my therapist told me a long time ago, I can change my mind from one day to the next...no decision I have made needed to be carved in stone...flexibility has allowed me a great deal of insight into his crisis and I am ok now, understanding that nothing is for "sure" in life.

[marvin4242]

Also, I know that her car is at a hotel right now, I can only imagine what’s happening or about to.  Do I confront?  Mention slyly?  Stay quiet?  The court order included a status quo so I can’t kick her out.  I know things are about to get worse but I’m not a doormat/deserve respect.  Looking for help on this one, thx.

Treasur has very wisely covered many points you should carefully consider. Only thing I would like to add is this: ask yourself and try to answer honestly what is your MOTIVATION for asking/mentioning anything to her? I suspect you will find you are trying to fix or control or manipulate something that can't be done, and that you may be hoping you can still change reality in some way. And if this is the case then you may not only find it won't do what you would hope, but that you are essentially "pain shopping."

[TheShore]

Hey all,

Had a pretty couple good days this week being detached, hanging with kids, working … all that good stuff.  The AP creeped into my thoughts a bit today, but I processed it/blowing off some steam, understood how I could heal from it, then released the thought and now I’m typing here.  😀

One other thought that has popped into my head… niece’s b-day party on the STBXW’s side is this weekend.  I don’t think niece would miss that I wasn’t there plus it’s been said that if I wouldn’t go as a XH in 5 years, why go now.  So currently I’m planning on not going.  The one concern I have is if D10 asks me on why I’m not going.  I want to say to her because mom doesn’t want to be with dad anymore, I’m not part of that family anymore, etc… but she’s just a child.  I want to consider truth and transparency.  D10 definitely knows something is going on, but I haven’t had a true sit down conversation with her about potentially being D.  Hinted and small comments here and there, but nothing official.

All feedback is welcomed, thanks in advance.

[Arcticfox]

Hi TheShore,

I am glad to hear that you are in a good place mentally

Explaining the situation to your D10 is certainly difficult but in my opinion important. Kids sense that something is going on anyways, and draw their own conclusions which could cause more anxiety than knowing the truth, no matter what it is. I don’t suppose you could ask your wife to explain? Kids should at least know that no matter what happen, the adults will always take care of them and love them (you can’t promise this for someone else of course).

[TheShore]

Hi TheShore,

I am glad to hear that you are in a good place mentally

Explaining the situation to your D10 is certainly difficult but in my opinion important. Kids sense that something is going on anyways, and draw their own conclusions which could cause more anxiety than knowing the truth, no matter what it is. I don’t suppose you could ask your wife to explain? Kids should at least know that no matter what happen, the adults will always take care of them and love them (you can’t promise this for someone else of course).

Talking to D10 myself is something that I can still control.  If I ask STBXW to do it, idk wtf she might say - I don’t trust a word that comes out of her mouth atm.  It’s more about what I should say to D10 is what I’m needing/thinking if it comes up.

[TheShore]

Also, about one more thought… why should I be by the side of someone who is treating me with abuse / disrespect (affair) - I deserve respect.  I’m not playing happy family at least in this setting.

[KayDee]

I want to say to her because mom doesn’t want to be with dad anymore, I’m not part of that family anymore, etc… but she’s just a child.  I want to consider truth and transparency.  D10 definitely knows something is going on, but I haven’t had a true sit down conversation with her about potentially being D.  Hinted and small comments here and there, but nothing official.

All feedback is welcomed, thanks in advance.

I'm not sure what you have told your D already, but if she knows you are separating, then you can simply tell the truth and say you don't want to go because mom and dad are separating, and this is a special event for mom's side of the family. As you have hinted, what you want to say is rather loaded, and none of this is the fault of your niece, or directly the fault of your extended family. Better to keep it clean and neutral, as it is important that your D has good relationships with cousins and maternal relatives, and I doubt you want her to feel conflicted about that.

As the saying goes, discretion is the better part of valor....

[TheShore]

I want to say to her because mom doesn’t want to be with dad anymore, I’m not part of that family anymore, etc… but she’s just a child.  I want to consider truth and transparency.  D10 definitely knows something is going on, but I haven’t had a true sit down conversation with her about potentially being D.  Hinted and small comments here and there, but nothing official.

All feedback is welcomed, thanks in advance.

I'm not sure what you have told your D already, but if she knows you are separating, then you can simply tell the truth and say you don't want to go because mom and dad are separating, and this is a special event for mom's side of the family. As you have hinted, what you want to say is rather loaded, and none of this is the fault of your niece, or directly the fault of your extended family. Better to keep it clean and neutral, as it is important that your D has good relationships with cousins and maternal relatives, and I doubt you want her to feel conflicted about that.

As the saying goes, discretion is the better part of valor....

I like that - this is an event on mom’s side of the family
Using that, tyty

[TheShore]

Whelp, pretty sure STBXW knows that I know she has an AP

I’ll spare the quick convo that happened, but I feel so much better.  Probably not the best decision for the situation, but I couldn’t hold back and it was good for me.  Like a load or a big weight off or something like that.

Also, had the convo with D10 about not going to the bday party, went well.

Until next time…