[OffRoad]

I've been away, vacation, corrupted computers at work, etc. You have gotten fabulous advice and seem to have settled in to working through the duration. Great job!

The most important thing is to make sure your Financials are covered (like, she can't spend all the joint money) and making sure you get the custody of your kids that you want/need/they need, imo. And document when she flakes on the kids. It could come in handy.

I am a firm believer in keeping the house the kids grew up in. Let her move out if she wants to and if you can manage the house and kids on your own. If it comes up again.

Living in the same house with my ex before he was my ex was very hard. In my case, he turned on the fake charm and we were all great friends!  🤮 So I picked up my S then 16 from school, we had our time, I made dinner, and when bozo arrived home, I'd disappear to my room. I didn't heal until he moved out. It does take a toll. Good that you have your basement abode.

Bottom line is she isn't who she was. If she gets herself worked out, she still won't be the same. She might be better, worse or just different. You living your life is what will save your sanity, and honestly help your kids, standing or not. Planting seeds may not help, because they may not remember next week. It only feels good for them in the moment, then the moment fades.  They have to work it out for themselves.

You are doing great.  (Sorry if the writing is choppy, I am terrible at typing on a phone)

[TheShore]

I've been away, vacation, corrupted computers at work, etc. You have gotten fabulous advice and seem to have settled in to working through the duration. Great job!

The most important thing is to make sure your Financials are covered (like, she can't spend all the joint money) and making sure you get the custody of your kids that you want/need/they need, imo. And document when she flakes on the kids. It could come in handy.

I am a firm believer in keeping the house the kids grew up in. Let her move out if she wants to and if you can manage the house and kids on your own. If it comes up again.

Living in the same house with my ex before he was my ex was very hard. In my case, he turned on the fake charm and we were all great friends!  🤮 So I picked up my S then 16 from school, we had our time, I made dinner, and when bozo arrived home, I'd disappear to my room. I didn't heal until he moved out. It does take a toll. Good that you have your basement abode.

Bottom line is she isn't who she was. If she gets herself worked out, she still won't be the same. She might be better, worse or just different. You living your life is what will save your sanity, and honestly help your kids, standing or not. Planting seeds may not help, because they may not remember next week. It only feels good for them in the moment, then the moment fades.  They have to work it out for themselves.

You are doing great.  (Sorry if the writing is choppy, I am terrible at typing on a phone)

Thanks for the kind words… I’ll write about finances later, but pretty sure I’ll keep the house.  I’m good financially, always have been.  I’ve always ran the finances for the house, got the alerts and limits on.  I don’t think she even knows how to log into any of our accounts.  Now she could go to the bank and withdraw directly, but even that would be a challenge for her.  Not much I can really do due to status quo order, but if there was something big/wild/extravagant, I would be protected by the same order.

Just one comment for the night… even though I’m pretty “meh” about STBXW most of the time, the only thing that gets my blood boiling is her and the AP.  What disrespect.  What blatant lies.  Makes me think, what a wasted investment.  Everything I’ve ever done, bent the knee on, given into… only to be sh!t on like this.  I remember she told me she would never cross that line.  Never believe a word that comes out of a MLCer’s mouth, always true.  If anything, these are the toughest thoughts for me personally to go through.  I do eventually, but just pisses me off.  What a betrayal.

How can a person have an AP, but still want to live in the same house as their spouse?  I guess cheaters do it all the time.   Great example for our kids (not).  I couldn’t stomach it for 1 second.

Later y’all

[TheShore]

Back to back post by me, woot!  I think journaling is a good tool to use to relieve stress, work through pain, etc... this topic at some point will pop in my head during the day, got to process it.

Not much to post about on the STBXW front.  She's still doing something with the AP.  Very cold to me when we crossed paths in the house yesterday.  STBXW did seem interested when I was helping D10 put together a glider plane that she got when we went to the flight museum this weekend.  After STBXW returned from up north (pretty sure AP was NOT with here), she stayed in her cave/bedroom for the entire day.  She stays in there away from everyone.  S8 was up there for most of the night, but STBXW couldn't be bothered to talk to D10 again (you know, your kid that you haven't seen all weekend).  When the kids FaceTime'd her before she got back, she sounded "excited" to talk to them, but I swear it's all fake.  Like, it's her defense mechanism and she's trying to keep it together, pretending to be happy about her life and the decision she's made - doubling down almost.  Such a betrayal to not only me but to them as well.

Back to what I should be focusing on, the kiddos!  We had a great weekend together - lot of food, pool, mall, arcade.  Can't wait for the next one. 

S8's Bday is coming up... typically we go up north to her side of the family's places.  Well, the dates are on our family calendar in the house.  I plan on NOT going... tough, but I've come to that decision already.  I've already thought about what I will say to STBXW --> "since you have already crossed a line (which she said she wouldn't, lol), I'm not going to pretend to play happy family with a spouse and an active affair going on.  I deserve respect and will not be your safety net"... something like that.  Also, I will have my own BDAY party for S8 at the house the following weekend with food, cake, presents, and inviting his friends.  Will be fun.  Might as well get used to it as this is our future now.  I'll not be a cuck/some 2nd hand person.

Anyways, have a nice day all.  Hope to hear from y'all soon.

[TheShore]

One last question...

Communication levels with my MLCer... any recommendations?  Note that she is an at-home MLCer.  We do have 2 kids at home that I take care of most of the time.

Let me give an example:
She doesn't talk to me for ~1-2 days.... Then I'll get a text that she has to hit Sam's club on the way home and let her know if I need anything.  I want to reply back saying, "nothing for me, but ask your AP if he want's anything" (that's my rage coming out, lol).  But, being emotionally regulated, I don't reply at all.  I don't think things mean much if anything all when interacting with STBXW atm (unless it's questions, pressure, etc...).  I don't want to put on the perception that we are friendly while AP is still around.  I understand that communication is necessary if there is any chance at R, but atm, I'm doing a dark/no-contact as much as I can.  Not as a punishment, but out of my own self-worth and healing.

Am I overthinking this?  Over reacting?  Any feedback welcomed, thanks in advance!

[beyondblessed]

Hey, Shore!  As far as communication, keep it short and sweet, almost business-like. As far as anything personal or unnecessary, like the Sam's deal, I would not engage.  You are not buddies, and you have the right to keep your boundaries.  She has an AP and initiated a D.  Those are hard lines for just about everyone.

[TheShore]

Hey, Shore!  As far as communication, keep it short and sweet, almost business-like. As far as anything personal or unnecessary, like the Sam's deal, I would not engage.  You are not buddies, and you have the right to keep your boundaries.  She has an AP and initiated a D.  Those are hard lines for just about everyone.

Ok!  Thanks for feedback and confirming, appreciated!  I got the right mindset.
If anyone else wants to comment, please feel free.

[Arcticfox]

Hi TheShore! I have no advice but I just want to comment that what your STBXW does is really hurtful, and I think you’re right to think of your own well-being first and foremost (and the kids of course).

[FaithWalker]

Sounds like you are trying to be as dim as possible in your contact, that's your boundary, so I would apply the Rule of 3 in these types of situations.

1) If there is blood, injury, or death involved, respond within 3 minutes
2) If it is legal, contractual, financial, something to do with kids that doesn't fall under #1, planning, etc., respond within 3 days
3) If is it idle chatter, 3 weeks (if at all)

I don't blame you for wanting to split out on the birthday party.  Those encounters during the D proceedings can be so painful for the LBS.  I like your idea of having something special for him on your own.  When S20 graduated HS we did end up doing a dual party but that was after 8 years and my heart had mended.

[Treasur]

Hey, Shore!  As far as communication, keep it short and sweet, almost business-like. As far as anything personal or unnecessary, like the Sam's deal, I would not engage.  You are not buddies, and you have the right to keep your boundaries.  She has an AP and initiated a D.  Those are hard lines for just about everyone.

Ok!  Thanks for feedback and confirming, appreciated!  I got the right mindset.
If anyone else wants to comment, please feel free.

I agree with others here - it’s difficult when you’re under the same roof, of course, but keeping it simple can help. Google BIFF. Assume any email or text could be used by a lawyer. If she doesn’t ask a question, ignore unless it’s an emergency involving the kids. Stick to facts only -so a Yes or No re that text for example.

I’m sure you’re right that she is trying to normalise the situation  as it is and you’re under no obligation to play along. Well done though for not giving in to your impulse to add snark. It won’t help, even if your feelings are understandable, and you share children so will probably need to have some basic factual communication in future, so best to start now as you mean to go on. And as you become more emotionally detached, it will get easier.

[TheShore]

Hey all, journaling moment:

For me the affair is the toughest part.  She carries on like I’m a nobody.  I don’t let it show in front of her whenever we cross paths (which is still extremely minimal).  Pretty sure she is sending pics of her and the kids to the AP.  Asking my lawyer about that, but I bet there won’t be anything I can do because it’s her kids as well.  I remember in the past when posting/sending pics of our kids was restricted… oh how times have changed.  Also, pretty sure that limerance is driving the affair.  I did find a meme that was sent that said, “I love F’ing you, oops, I mean, I love you”.  How can you fall in love with someone in ~1-2 months in a restricted type of relationship with someone at work?  Boggles the mind…

Anyway, I don’t think it does much good dwelling on the topic above… so on to me.  I’m flying solo this weekend as she dragged the kids up north again.   Got to play some Pickleball last night for the 1st time, very fun.  Plans for the rest of the weekend… not sure yet.  Nothing wild, probably some shopping, get a nice bite to eat somewhere, gym/pool, knock off a couple things on my todo list.

For those of you with kids, how did you manage things like school pick ups and drop offs?  I’m trying to think for the future.  I do have an 8-5 type job.  I can sneak out early if needed, but I don’t have any family on my side to watch kids.  The MIL is available and has been helping in the summer, but I really want to break away from support on her side of the family.  I’m thinking I might have to sign up for latchkey or whatever it’s called in order so I can drop and pick up the kids and hour early/later.

Future future thinking… for the kids in the summer, they will be 11 and 9 then… I’m concerned with leaving them home alone if I have to go into the office (I’m hybrid so not every day), still a little too young.  Any recommendations welcomed.

Lastly, there are little things that can always be changed… for example, the SSID for the house is WIFEisBEST - I set that up a while ago, I always did little fun loving things like that.  I wanna change it to something else!  Looking for ideas… also just checking to make sure if anyone would think it’s a bad idea.  Not that it would ruin anything, more of just harm prevention like all of the actions we most take.

Thanks in advance, take care all, have a nice weekend