[beyondblessed]

Hey, there, Shore!  I'm an oldie from way back, who isn't around much, but I do still pop in occasionally.  I've read a lot of your thread, and quite a bit of what you've shared mirrors a lot of the same old MLC/LBS story.  The lies, the AP,  the anchor checks,  the crazy, etc, etc.

For as far in as you are, I have to say you are doing remarkably well and putting serious thought into the decisions you make....unlike your MLC STBXW   The road she is on will likely lead her off the same cliff my xh decided to swan dive off years ago.  Nothing you do or say will prevent this, so the decisions you are making today for yourself, with your kids in mind,  will ensure that you and your children will have a stable future, filled with endless opportunities.

Whatever you decide to tell your kids about what is happening to your family unit as they know it, I'm certain that you will do it from a neutral standpoint.  And I can 100% guarantee that you are correct in assuming your STBXW would definitely tell her "truth", which we all know here is about the furthest thing from it, so it's absolutely essential for you to be the one to address it when the time comes.

Also, as far as the AP,  and the discussion you've had about him, a few well placed truth darts are sometimes necessary, and yes, sometimes satisfying, especially when you as the LBS are feeling the sting of the MLC'ERs disrespect.  Sometimes these types just need to be slapped out of their fantasy land long enough to realize that we as LBS are still very much aware of reality as it stands, and we will do whatever we need to to protect ourselves and the things we love,  from their selfish crazy.  With that said, carry on! 

[TheShore]

Hey, there, Shore!  I'm an oldie from way back, who isn't around much, but I do still pop in occasionally.  I've read a lot of your thread, and quite a bit of what you've shared mirrors a lot of the same old MLC/LBS story.  The lies, the AP,  the anchor checks,  the crazy, etc, etc.

For as far in as you are, I have to say you are doing remarkably well and putting serious thought into the decisions you make....unlike your MLC STBXW   The road she is on will likely lead her off the same cliff my xh decided to swan dive off years ago.  Nothing you do or say will prevent this, so the decisions you are making today for yourself, with your kids in mind,  will ensure that you and your children will have a stable future, filled with endless opportunities.

Whatever you decide to tell your kids about what is happening to your family unit as they know it, I'm certain that you will do it from a neutral standpoint.  And I can 100% guarantee that you are correct in assuming your STBXW would definitely tell her "truth", which we all know here is about the furthest thing from it, so it's absolutely essential for you to be the one to address it when the time comes.

Also, as far as the AP,  and the discussion you've had about him, a few well placed truth darts are sometimes necessary, and yes, sometimes satisfying, especially when you as the LBS are feeling the sting of the MLC'ERs disrespect.  Sometimes these types just need to be slapped out of their fantasy land long enough to realize that we as LBS are still very much aware of reality as it stands, and we will do whatever we need to to protect ourselves and the things we love,  from their selfish crazy.  With that said, carry on!

I have the AC on in the house, but wow it's cold in here!!  Wait... that's my STBXW!  She is not engaging me at all.  Pretty sure she’s still ticked off about my truth darts about the AP from Friday.  A couple informative texts about the kids from her yesterday.  When we passed by a few times in the house today, I said hey there and got nothing back.  Very very cold in here atm!  It's all good though, I'm warm today - did a couple projects around the house, some work on the car, cooked, and watched a movie with the kids.  Was a good day and was in a good place emotionally.  Fully healing from betrayal will take some time, but I’m on my way.  AP is a symptom of MLC.  It’s an affair down.  I keep my head high and keep moving forward.

Surprisingly, the creature came out of her hole today and sat on the back deck outside for a few hours to read a book. 🤷‍♂️

My daughter is awesome… she made a scavenger hunt for the fam to do.  D10 invited everyone to do it - A little awkward because STBXW did it with S8 and I.  She didn’t directly talk to me but she did say a few times to S8 things like “listen to your dad’s hint”.  I really think D10 tries to come up with things like this to try and bring the family together…so sweet.  She can see that something is wrong and is doing what she can.  Also, since school is out for the summer, we let them sleep anywhere they want (kids sleep in their own room during the school year).  I encourage the kids to sleep with their mom at least half the time because they usually want to sleep in the basement with me - I don't blame them though, it’s clean down here, doesn’t smell like a cat, and I engage with them.  I don’t think their mom likes it..she wants to be close to D10, but she’s always been closer to me than her.  Maybe just another RC to her MLC, who knows.  I should take some of the screen shots of the texts she has sent me over the last 7 months about how I do too much for the kids, constantly taking them places, buying them things - whelp, guess I’m guilty.  I probably am more engaged now with the kids than I’ve ever been, but nothing extravagant - I’ve always treated them well and as a father.  I feel that she does things with them when it’s convenient and/or she’s feeling lonely.  I also think she takes them up north to escape and avoid me, but also so that the kids aren’t around me.  School is starting in a month so those trips will end soon.

Last night was pretty good as well... even though kids were away at the bday party, that didn't stop me from having fun by myself.  Hit the gym, went out and had a couple adult beverages - met a couple that strangely hung out with all night, good conversations.  Also, met some other people that were promoting a social club for singles... got to talking and they were divorced so we got to trade war stories.  Told them I was still standing, not interested in the club but was nice to talk to people that understood and had compassion about my current situation.

Hey @BB, appreciate the kind words and encouragement.  I got my bearings together early on when I found HHH.  A good chunk of the recommendations apply from there, but my approach has changed over the course of time when I came to the realization that I have a MLCer and found this lovely place.  I have my ups and downs like anyone, but all the research and knowledge I've gained has really helped - more good decisions than bad.  Don’t be a stranger!

On the legal front, the next big date is October 3rd - 1st mediation.  Not sure what to expect… I haven’t been prepped yet by my attorney but have submitted all the necessary paperwork as soon as it was requested about 3 weeks ago.  Tick tock…

Does everyone write at the Pulitzer prize level here?  Y’all are amazing when it comes to perfectly putting your thoughts into words.

We’ll see how this week goes.  I bought the book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”.  Going to start reading that, will be interesting to see what the guidance is from that author.

Until next time, talk soon.  Best wishes to all.

[TheShore]

Hey, there, Shore!  I'm an oldie from way back, who isn't around much, but I do still pop in occasionally.  I've read a lot of your thread, and quite a bit of what you've shared mirrors a lot of the same old MLC/LBS story.  The lies, the AP,  the anchor checks,  the crazy, etc, etc.

For as far in as you are, I have to say you are doing remarkably well and putting serious thought into the decisions you make....unlike your MLC STBXW   The road she is on will likely lead her off the same cliff my xh decided to swan dive off years ago.  Nothing you do or say will prevent this, so the decisions you are making today for yourself, with your kids in mind,  will ensure that you and your children will have a stable future, filled with endless opportunities.

Whatever you decide to tell your kids about what is happening to your family unit as they know it, I'm certain that you will do it from a neutral standpoint.  And I can 100% guarantee that you are correct in assuming your STBXW would definitely tell her "truth", which we all know here is about the furthest thing from it, so it's absolutely essential for you to be the one to address it when the time comes.

Also, as far as the AP,  and the discussion you've had about him, a few well placed truth darts are sometimes necessary, and yes, sometimes satisfying, especially when you as the LBS are feeling the sting of the MLC'ERs disrespect.  Sometimes these types just need to be slapped out of their fantasy land long enough to realize that we as LBS are still very much aware of reality as it stands, and we will do whatever we need to to protect ourselves and the things we love,  from their selfish crazy.  With that said, carry on!

I have the AC on in the house, but wow it's cold in here!!  Wait... that's my STBXW!  She is not engaging me at all.  Pretty sure she’s still ticked off about my truth darts about the AP from Friday.  A couple informative texts about the kids from her yesterday.  When we passed by a few times in the house today, I said hey there and got nothing back.  Very very cold in here atm!  It's all good though, I'm warm today - did a couple projects around the house, some work on the car, cooked, and watched a movie with the kids.  Was a good day and was in a good place emotionally.  Fully healing from betrayal will take some time, but I’m on my way.  AP is a symptom of MLC.  It’s an affair down.  I keep my head high and keep moving forward.

Surprisingly, the creature came out of her hole today and sat on the back deck outside for a few hours to read a book. 🤷‍♂️

My daughter is awesome… she made a scavenger hunt for the fam to do.  D10 invited everyone to do it - A little awkward because STBXW did it with S8 and I.  She didn’t directly talk to me but she did say a few times to S8 things like “listen to your dad’s hint”.  I really think D10 tries to come up with things like this to try and bring the family together…so sweet.  She can see that something is wrong and is doing what she can.  Also, since school is out for the summer, we let them sleep anywhere they want (kids sleep in their own room during the school year).  I encourage the kids to sleep with their mom at least half the time because they usually want to sleep in the basement with me - I don't blame them though, it’s clean down here, doesn’t smell like a cat, and I engage with them.  I don’t think their mom likes it..she wants to be close to D10, but she’s always been closer to me than her.  Maybe just another RC to her MLC, who knows.  I should take some of the screen shots of the texts she has sent me over the last 7 months about how I do too much for the kids, constantly taking them places, buying them things - whelp, guess I’m guilty.  I probably am more engaged now with the kids than I’ve ever been, but nothing extravagant - I’ve always treated them well and as a father.  Or this really brings to focus the trauma she had as a kid and absent parents.  I feel that she does things with them when it’s convenient and/or she’s feeling lonely.  I also think she takes them up north to escape and avoid me, but also so that the kids aren’t around me.  School is starting in a month so those trips will end soon.

Last night was pretty good as well... even though kids were away at the bday party, that didn't stop me from having fun by myself.  Hit the gym, went out and had a couple adult beverages - met a couple that strangely hung out with all night, good conversations.  Also, met some other people that were promoting a social club for singles... got to talking and they were divorced so we got to trade war stories.  Told them I was still standing, not interested in the club but was nice to talk to people that understood and had compassion about my current situation.

Hey @BB, appreciate the kind words and encouragement.  I got my bearings together early on when I found HHH.  A good chunk of the recommendations apply from there, but my approach has changed over the course of time when I came to the realization that I have a MLCer and found this lovely place.  I have my ups and downs like anyone, but all the research and knowledge I've gained has really helped - more good decisions than bad.  Don’t be a stranger!

On the legal front, the next big date is October 3rd - 1st mediation.  Not sure what to expect… I haven’t been prepped yet by my attorney but have submitted all the necessary paperwork as soon as it was requested about 3 weeks ago.  Tick tock…

Does everyone write at the Pulitzer prize level here?  Y’all are amazing when it comes to perfectly putting your thoughts into words.

We’ll see how this week goes.  I bought the book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”.  Going to start reading that, will be interesting to see what the guidance is from that author.

Until next time, talk soon.  Best wishes to all.

[LBSinUSA]

Hey Shore,

I haven’t posted in awhile but I was in similar situation to you.  I can say the best thing to do is to detach.  Now im guessing you haven’t left the house because you have a very good legal reason not too.  Follow your lawyers advice. 

Also does your state have 50/50 custody?  That’s the next big thing.  The first thing I did was to make sure Ms MLC knew what the law was and that come hell or high water I was enforcing my parental rights.   (It helps I’m an attorney as well). 

She at one point tried to tell me she wasn’t going to let me do an overnight with my son because she didn’t like my friends home where I was housesitting.  I told her to call a lawyer the next day and that if she felt the same way in a few days I’d make sure I’d give her the chance to tell a Judge the same thing asap.  She backed down after she spoke with a lawyer. 

Now I say this because in my view detaching while asserting yourself is the best thing you can do.  Ms MLC moved out almost a year ago and I’m in a completely different mood.  It’s tough but does get easier and once she’s out and that dreadful miserable brooding presence is gone it will be like a giant weight has been lifted.  Once she’s out, go no contact as much as you can with the kids.  You owe nothing to her as a husband at that point.  And if there’s a chance at reconciliation this is the best way to do it.   

[TheShore]

@LBS
Thanks for the reply and advice… I usually tell old timers like yourself don’t be a stranger. 
Detaching is key.
I'm still in the house (in the basement, all mine, ~1600 sq feet, bar, fridge, tv, sink, bathroom, sectional, tables... not bad at all), but STBXW gets to stay in the house as well because of the court order.  In hindsight, I almost wish I encouraged her to leave when she wanted to ~March when she broke down and she was saying I was super dad and she couldn’t take it. 
Custody can be anything but when I was served, they asked for 50/50 and I countered with that for now.  Mediation in October.  Michigan.

I sped read that “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” book… basically I’m a chump, lol.  Definitely a different perspective and thoughts on when facing infidelity in a marriage.  Pretty clear on what the author thinks about what to do when it happens (99% of the time recommended to move on).  Had some good thoughts on detaching and being meh.  Hit home on points regarding the entitlement and narcissism of the cheater.  Made me think a little bit about my current reality.  My hope is declining but still there.  Still standing but going to take a lot more from her end if she ever wants to R.  My spouse is an MLCer…infidelity is almost certain.  Also a good approach on home to tell your kids.

Not too much else to say…still cold as ice in here.  She just yelled down to see if I was working in the office Friday.  Now she has to work from home because I need to go in and she is planning to go up north.  Wonder if she’s going to bring her AP with her.  Ticks me off a bit if yes and the in-laws are in the know…I’m not even going to ask.  Oh well, fun weekend for the kids and I - can’t wait, already planning in my head.

Later all, all comments welcomed. 
Let keep up the feedback on all threads, kind of dead on the forums last week.

PS - one last comment... her memory is getting bad.  It was never great, but seems way worse.  There was a combination of emojis she has used in the past that meant "YES", many times.  I used that combination in a reply back to her in a text today and she had no idea what that meant.

[Arcticfox]

Hi TheShore,

I’m here but nothing much to report. H has moved out and we only communicate by short texts about kids or who’s paying which bill.

I hear you on detaching. In the beginning I would have done almost anything to get my H and M as it was back. But actually I am coming to see things weren’t so perfect? And H is not who he was, maybe he never was who I thought and he has changed so much. Day by day I get on by myself a bit better. (Not easy but not dying all the time). And 3+ months after BD I am no longer desperate for reconciliation. Would I love for it to happen? There are moments when I am no longer certain. If it is in the cards, rebuilding the trust will be difficult. Time will tell if me and H will even have the chance to try, but I can also see other paths forward, by myself (and my kids) or maybe at some point with another Person I do not know yet. But first I have a lot of healing to do.

Have a nice day 
AF

[TheShore]

Hi TheShore,

I’m here but nothing much to report. H has moved out and we only communicate by short texts about kids or who’s paying which bill.

I hear you on detaching. In the beginning I would have done almost anything to get my H and M as it was back. But actually I am coming to see things weren’t so perfect? And H is not who he was, maybe he never was who I thought and he has changed so much. Day by day I get on by myself a bit better. (Not easy but not dying all the time). And 3+ months after BD I am no longer desperate for reconciliation. Would I love for it to happen? There are moments when I am no longer certain. If it is in the cards, rebuilding the trust will be difficult. Time will tell if me and H will even have the chance to try, but I can also see other paths forward, by myself (and my kids) or maybe at some point with another Person I do not know yet. But first I have a lot of healing to do.

Have a nice day 
AF

@AF - thx for the reply.  Keep the contact to a minimum imo.  I have it in my mind today that detachment is truly the key to healing.  No contact is best but in certain situations (kids like us and/or finances), that person will always be slightly part of your life which is almost impossible to truly detach.  Keep living your life the way you see fit.

Which makes me think --> the biggest mindtruck of it all... how did our MLCer detach right in front of our faces?  How did the MLCer live with us normally as everything was fine and then the next day, do a BD or ask for divorce or disappear or whatever the case may be.  You would have to be almost mentally sick and/or not a normal person in order to be able to do this imo.  At least for me and probably most of use here, we are so interconnected emotionally, my nervous system, that this other person was a part of my life, my daily routine.  That's why it's such a shock to the moving forward spouse...how do you break that way of life in an instance as you get the bomb dropped on you?   You can't.  It takes time, being apart, a new way of life.

The "Let Them" mindset.
If they don't want to be part of your life anymore... let them
If they want to trash their future... let them
If they want to run away from their responsibilities... let them
If they want to affair down... let them
etc, etc...
Goes back to the idea that you can't control anyone (maybe influence) and you only can control yourself.  Control your joy, your friends, your interests.
Stop checking their facebook/instagram.  Stop pinging their GPS position to see where they are.  Change their name in your phone.  Don't call just to talk to them.  Don't send them that meme.  Stop looking at those vacation pictures.
You need to reprogram your body, mind, heart, and soul.  (don't think of them at all... or maybe when you do, think of the bad times??)

What if I told you that in the next 90 days, the love of your life will walk into your world, what would you do with that info today?  Me, I would do what I'm doing now - living it up!  Doing what I want.  For 2 reasons: 1) Because you should, love yourself, live your life, and 2) The things you have time for now might not be as available later because now you are tied up again in a relationship (which is good, but not in a way where you are codependent).  In a relationship, there should be 3 parts, you, me, and us.  All 3 should exist and prosper. 

I might be rambling, but sometimes, when I do my video listening at night, I stumble on a good one and good thoughts emerge, good approach and mindset to the next day.   I think that happened to me last night, good stuff.

Detaching is key to healing, got it.  But, I think I've said it before as well as others.... when there is detachment, I think a person could detach so much that the love goes as well.  I personally think that is what is actually happening.  Your love is not as large for your MLCer as it was in the past.  The bonds are shrinking.  If the goal is to stand / potential for reconciliation one day, the idea is to minimize those bonds or make them as small as possible but not break them (if that's possible).  If those bonds DO end up breaking, that doesn't mean that they can't be recreated. 

I had another thought... that's why the MLCer most likely runs to an AP because the bonds to us are fully broke / there is a hole in their life that they want to fill it with.  They don't want the reminder of us.  Escape and avoid.  The entitlement and narcissism inside of them needs to be fed.   They are normal in a way that they are human, people need people, but are truly lost and broke along the way.  Somehow they have built up a resentment to their spouse and used that to break away.  The MLCer most likely has a AVOIDANT attachment style, thus the running, but needs to be bonded to another person due to the other reasons.  What a conundrum.

Journaling here and working makes the day go by fast.  Kiddoz and I are going to the athletic club for gym/daycare, pool, and then dinner before I have to come back home to do my "love doctor" tonight (that what I tell my kids what my therapist is).

Gotta make some plans with the kiddos for this weekend.  Exciting!  Bed Bath and Beyond, Home Depot... IDK if I'll have time for any more fun... (lol, hope everyone gets the movie reference). 

Lastly, I cooked some pollo asado (Mexican chicken) on the flattop last night.  Did a vegetable medley, melted some cheese on top of some the chicken (skinless thighs + tenderloins), refried beans, guacamole, tortilla chips, salsa, lettuce, tomatoes, cilantro - a fat kid's (me) healthy dinner, so good.   Pretty sure the MLC creature came out of her room last night to grab some to eat... she can't resist, lol.  D10 ate it up pretty good as well which is always nice.  S8 only eats chicken nuggets so there wasn't even a chance on that front.  (PS - not fat anymore, I think down to ~190 from 235.  I'm still a fatty/love to eat at heart.  I could easily crush a full large pizza.  Even when I'm ripped/skinny/good shape, my buddies always like to tease me an call me "husky"- I guess I got that type of body/frame)

I feel good this morning, best wishes to you all.  Talk more soon.

[Arcticfox]

The food sounds delicious. I’d love to taste some    I have lost 17 pounds as well which is 13% of my weight, not good. I barely have any appetite and cooking is just for survival atm. I have a hard time thinking up things to do with S9 Especially on weekends. S14 does not want to participate in anything. S17 is now at H’s place for the 1st week of high school and coming home for the weekend. Maybe I will just make pizza at home. Everything feels so painful now, because H is not participating (moved out and is a vanisher type). But i suppose it gets better with time. You seem to be doing a good job keeping your spirits up and having good times with the kids TheShore!

[Reinventing]

I agree with the "Let Them" mentality. We are forced to do this anyway because like you said, we can only control ourselves, as it turns out. Hardest lesson ever to learn that.

[TheShore]

I agree with the "Let Them" mentality. We are forced to do this anyway because like you said, we can only control ourselves, as it turns out. Hardest lesson ever to learn that.

I really do think this is key to healing.  I know that RCR as well as others talk about planting seeds by establishing friendship / memories / etc. early on in the crisis, but eventually, one must really detach because having that reminder constantly is daily psychological abuse and trauma to the mind imo.  After you plant your seeds, dark/no contact might be the best way to go for a short period.  Maybe ~30 days.

The food sounds delicious. I’d love to taste some    I have lost 17 pounds as well which is 13% of my weight, not good. I barely have any appetite and cooking is just for survival atm. I have a hard time thinking up things to do with S9 Especially on weekends. S14 does not want to participate in anything. S17 is now at H’s place for the 1st week of high school and coming home for the weekend. Maybe I will just make pizza at home. Everything feels so painful now, because H is not participating (moved out and is a vanisher type). But i suppose it gets better with time. You seem to be doing a good job keeping your spirits up and having good times with the kids TheShore!

Food is good - anyone can cook (Ratatouille, right?).  Good to lose some weight, just stay in a healthy weight.  I'm doing well but I get pain bouts just like you.  Gotta process / go through the memory/pain/etc., understand what you can learn from it, and then let it go.  Re-reading some of my good thoughts in posts I've made usually brings my mind to ease.  Pizza at home ain't a bad option... Detroit deep dish is the way to go around my parts.  Paired with some wings and antipasto salad... food coma incoming!

In regards to kid entertainment: mall, arcade, top golf, bowling, park, trampoline park, dinner, go karts, library, Sam's/Costco run, movies, movie night at home, board games, yardwork, splash park, gym/pool, bake cookies, ice cream run, cards, ipad/roblox/minecraft, take a walk, roller skating - those are most of my go to options with the kiddoz.  Maybe one of these will work for you.  We're doing an air plane museum tomorrow morning!  Should be interesting.