Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Standing in Patience on July 28, 2011, 06:42:09 PM
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All - I must be dense. I've been trying to understand what this means. Does it mean
everything that they say is false? I know h believes and says he is telling the truth and all the time.
Are you also saying we should "believe" 50% of what they do is...what? Does that mean when he moves out and says he isn't coming back. Does that mean "never" isn't never but instead I "right now never" want or will come back?
Can someone give me a concrete example or two or more of "nothing of what they say" and "50% of what they do"? I seem not to be able to wrap my head around this thought.
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SIP, Hi I had trouble with this til month 4. When my H says I'll try and pick the Ds up at the pool and swim with them.
It means get ready for A) He doesn't and never calls
B) He goes to the pool waves to them blows a kiss and leaves them there.
C) Gets them drops them at someone's house and has D11 text me to come get her.
D) H comes home with them like he still lives here when he doesn't. Proceeds to help me weed whack. Puts hand on mine
E) C and B
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Standing in Patience,
What I have taken from this phrase is to protect yourself...hope for the best but prepare and expect the worst.
The MLCer will say things that you want to hear either in an attempt to fix a situation, buy time, or they even may have every intention of following through with what they say. However, at any moment the slightest trigger will start them cycling again and everything goes out the window.
Actions speak louder than words but do not expect consistency. They may show love and affection but then for not apparent reason be standoffish and cold the next moment.
They will make promises that they cant keep. They will love you one minute and attack you the next. Until you can see a CONSISTANT pattern or "cycle" of positive change, stay strong and protect your heart and mind.
rrazz
PS. I love the fact that when I spell check my posts MLCer comes up as ULCER
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All - I must be dense. I've been trying to understand what this means. Does it mean
everything that they say is false? I know h believes and says he is telling the truth and all the time.
It's not a matter of deciding if they are telling you the truth or not; it's about what they say their intentions and plans are versus what actually happens. People can say they are going to do things and never follow through; many of us have spouses who have threatened to move out, or file for divorce, or try for custody of the kids. My wife kept telling me that she was a hair's breadth away from literally packing and bag and running away; it took her a year to actually move out, at which time she told me that she would be filing as soon as she could afford to. It's now been another year and in many ways we get along better than before she moved out, and almost as well as before the crisis began.
MLC is an emotional crisis; to them, their feelings are real but that doesn't make them true. The idea behind the saying is to help the LBS remember that things are not as they appear on the surface. If your husband says that he never loved you, that can come from a number of places:
1) He feels guilty about how he is treating you, so he is trying to make it easier for you to move on and alleviate his guilt.
2) He is in Monster mode and is trying to hurt you to pick a fight or to drive you away
3) He is depressed and the love he did feel for you is muted and affected by that depression.
Are you also saying we should "believe" 50% of what they do is...what? Does that mean when he moves out and says he isn't coming back. Does that mean "never" isn't never but instead I "right now never" want or will come back?
That's actually a pretty good example. The "believe half of what they do" is tied pretty closely to the "believe nothing of what they say" because talk is always easier than action. However, just because they do move out or file for divorce does not mean that it can't be undone later, and it also doesn't mean that they did what they did for the reasons they say they did.
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Hello there,
for me I have simply treated everything my exH has said to be with complete and utter caution - knowing I could get burned.
It means that I have not been able to treat him like the loving fabulousguy that he was for the first 16 1/2 years of our relationship - because that was putting me into a dark horrible space (which I didn't deserve or need to be in).
I chose to respond to my husband's actions rather than REACT - with anger or my real feelings as I feel certain that my exH would view this as pursuing or give him an insight into where my head and heart are and until my H 'returns' I don't intend to have a 'real' relationship with him (one of mycore boundaries).
In the early days (around 3 months after BD when I found my first MLC site and it all 'clicked') I focussed on these key things and not much else until I got it right and it became second nature to me - bedded down and my new behaviour. It was hard at first but keeps me lovingly detached and moving forward 18 months on.
I have always treated my husband with kindness and respect and I continue to. I understand totally that MLC a long hard process (for the LBS and the MLCer) and I trust in the process to do it's work and all the while I GAL for me and my 2 children.
I always said I didn't want to have any regrets about how I treated my exH during his crisis and my adopting this approach it means I'm writing this with a clear conscience!!
((hugs))
P
xx
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The depression causes them to be very manipulative.
Control rules the day.
So they will say anything to get what they want, because they don't
realize that is may not help.
But it is what the feel right now.
Basically I am saying that most mentally ill people LIE.
Or embellish the truth.
Therefore you can not trust what they say.
Anyways that is my .02
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This is my take and .02, for what it is worth. :)
Basically to me, that always meant you take EVERYTHING they do/say with a literal grain of salt; because after all, this IS MLC, where anything and everything can happen...and to keep the confusion down within yourselves, it's best if you believe NONE of of what they say, and only HALF of what they do, bearing in mind that even that HALF could "reverse" itself AND its position at ANY given time.
Once I got a good handle on it; figured it out for certain; I actually learned to NOT even believe ANY of what I was hearing/seeing, as it was ALL SO unbelievable....it wasn't until he navigated past the affair, finished Other Woman Withdrawal, and turned back toward me to try and start repairing at least some of the damage that I started seeing better consistency in his words and actions again; but this even was slow to come..I still found myself bearing more than my share of responsibility of making sure the household was run the way it was supposed to be in his "absence" of mind. :)
They SAY alot of and a great many EMPTY things that really mean NOTHING; the vast majority of MLC'ers are blowing nothing but "hot air" and don't intend to really follow up unless FORCED to by the LBS; that's why you can't believe ANYTHING of what they say.....for example, they may very well threaten to move out, or even file for divorce, every time the LBS cries, begs, gets angry, is argumentative or whatever.... and keep running off at the mouth in the same type of threat, until called on it, and told that IF that is what THEY want to do, do it, but stop threatening; using this type of a boundary or the LBS actually shows them the door; which I DON'T recommend, because ANY life changing decisions like that SHOULD stay on the MLC'er.
Honestly, I STILL fail to understand where some think that YOU know what's best for them, because that makes you just as much of a controller as the MLC'er when you take a decision like that from them. In a NORMAL situation, I really could understand; but MLC is a different animal entirely.......remove yourselves from the room, and their presence for a time, once you give them that kind of choice of leave or not leave; but don't remove yourself or them from the house, and simply leave them to their own devices, they will figure it out or they won't.
On a side note, I've been told a number of times by others that throwing them out or not, depends on whether they are taunting the LBS in certain circumstances when a MLC'er is within an affair, public affairs, things like that, and I still don't advocate throwing them out during MLC; but making them leave just because you get tired of them threatening or otherwise, CAN backfire on YOU, especially, if your intention is to stand for your marriage; as something as small as PRIDE really can prevent some of them from returning; and you may NOT get another chance to pave the way for their return, that's a chance you take.
And if they do return, it's sometimes because they are the "clinging boomerangs" that RCR so often speaks of in her writings.....Me, I see a return being orchestrated by the Lord who intervened within the situation, to keep His Will from being circumvented........just so you know, I was WARNED by the Lord in my own case NOT to throw him out; to keep that decision on my HUSBAND'S shoulders, that if I threw him out, it WOULD have been a "controlling" move on my part, NOT to mention he would NOT have returned, because of this little thing called PRIDE that he had as a monkey on his back. Not to mention the fact that I would have been charged with the responsibility for my actions in that aspect, and consequences would have been dealt and meted out to me....and I did recognize the controlling nature of me vs keeping in on him..so, I did what I was advised/instructed to do...as I did not want to bear this blame on me..once I laid the boundary mentioned above, he shut up, and didn't threaten me again, I had taken the ammunition for his justification AWAY from him.
Half of what they do is a tricky proposition, because you honestly don't know for sure IF they will follow through on what they tell you they will do..it's a 50 percent chance they won't do anything, or 50 percent they will.
On the other hand, you may see them move out, only to ask to come home, or even just show back up at home, the next week, or even the next day; or they may tell you their "feelings" has changed, and in action, they are cold as ice, the next time you see them, they are hot as fire, and very affectionate, saying they are sorry or something else, just as empty and meaningless; bipolar symptoms it seems here.
This is also were the "mixed" messages come into play; where they will actually say one thing, and end up doing another or even the opposite....and the thing is, again, you NEVER know for sure what will happen with them from one day to the next...half of what they do will seem sincerely geared toward trying to work on themselves, and at times, you think they are really making the effort, while the other half is confusing as all get out. Or they will make an effort, but actually get it "half done" or even withdraw to process at the halfway point of being in action.....I've SEEN this happen more than once....it's been said that good intentions have many times paved the way to Hell; and most MLC'er's THINK they have good intentions, but their follow up is as slow as their "giddy up"...because the STARTING HALF of the actions is the INTENTION spoken out loud...as you can't read their minds....then as you watch for their actions, these can go either way, depending upon where they are within the crisis, or even depending on what's in their minds, and you never know.
Others may appear to want the relationship one day, discard it AGAIN, the next day or even week; they really DON'T know what they want during this time..it's like a child with so many toys he/she doesn't know what they want to play with, and the vast majority, God help us all, get SO cranky you think they need a nap 24/7...acting like babies with belly aches or even colic....or better than than, they are suffering "growing pains".
And with some, well, you have to watch them closely, or your house will burn down, no kidding...they are absent minded, not half conscious of what they are doing when they are doing it...the fog is SO deep within themselves, I could remember being very surprised when some things would actually get done all the way through, and it did happen sometimes. :)
This is ALSO where expectations need to drop to zero and below..if they speak an intention and follow through, even halfway, that's great; but don't become a "glorified" babysitter for them..protect yourselves where you need protecting; because in the end, YOU are the sane one, they aren't, you know what's going on, they really don't for most of the crisis.....and above all, please learn to let them go to twist in the wind; sometimes that is the ONLY way to help them come forward is by leaving them alone; remember, you can do NOTHING for them, to them, or because of them.
One last thing to remember NOTHING is EVER as it seems; especially during MLC. :)
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Well, I seemes my H is a very very mild clinging boomerang.
my experience is that they say things at certain moments and really mean it at that time, but actions do not follow all the time
Example :
H promised 2 weeks ago to visit a certain day and called (lucky me) he couldn't make it
I confronted H that this is not done as also our S was expecting him... H seemed to understand
2 weeks later H tells me he will MAYBE come and visit. I did not see nor hear H. you see H covered his a**.
I learned my lessons to take everything he says with a grain of salt and to protect my heart.
I know for sure that when he tells something it will be true at THAT time, but for some reason he can not follow through.
Another thing i really learned is that you have to let them take their own decisions.
I made the mistake once back in FEB to tell H that he needed to go and see a notary to start D proceedings. H did and when I confronted him, H told me it is because I wanted this.
You see, this is the amunition for his justification HB is talking about.
I will never ever take a decision in his place again. Also I not want to take the responsibility for a decision of something I do not want and I do not want to live with this the rest of my life.
This one is on H.
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This is my take and .02, for what it is worth. :)
Basically to me, that always meant you take EVERYTHING they do/say with a literal grain of salt; because after all, this IS MLC, where anything and everything can happen...and to keep the confusion down within yourselves, it's best if you believe NONE of of what they say, and only HALF of what they do, bearing in mind that even that HALF could "reverse" itself AND its position at ANY given time.
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On the other hand, you may see them move out, only to ask to come home, or even just show back up at home, the next week, or even the next day; or they may tell you their "feelings" has changed, and in action, they are cold as ice, the next time you see them, they are hot as fire, and very affectionate, saying they are sorry or something else, just as empty and meaningless; bipolar symptoms it seems here.
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One last thing to remember NOTHING is EVER as it seems; especially during MLC. :)
HB-that was an awesome post!
But I have a question. How can there be any hope if my H has not shown me or verbalized any affection or love in months and months on end? In the 16 months since my H first told me he wanted to leave, he has consistently told me that he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me. He only wavered once by agreeing to go to MC last August but since then he has not shown me affection and has not wavered in his decision. This is the main reason why I wonder if I am dealing with MLC or not. My H displays all the other signs and symptoms of MLC like being unreliable etc. But even though my S and I see my H 3 to 4 times a week, my H is consistently adamant about not wanting to be with me. This is what confuses me and makes me feel like my sitch is different than others here and that I may not be dealing with MLC at all.
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Ladybird
What your husband is doing is pretty common.
Here's part of the article Progress: Backward Forward Limbo
Now, in the darkness, he seems even more certain he hates you, more consistent. He is gone without Hope of returning. He doesn't want to return. In this place of Perpetual Darkness he knows he made the right decision.
The Dark period can be very long. As he approaches the end of the tunnel he will see the light.
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Ladybird
Nope, it sounds like MLC to me.
There is always HOPE, as long as you can keep that in your heart.
It does not come from him but from YOU.
Remember that MLC is counter intuitive so everything is not always as it seems.
Things have to get bad before they get better and there is always more going on behind the scenes.
Sorry to say that what your husband is saying is what almost all MLC'er say, they never have any love for the LBS.
That all comes later after the crisis is over.
Keep studying about MLC so you understand what you are dealing with.
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DGU and OP-thank you for your replies! I needed to hear them! :) I often feel that H has to force himself to see me so he can see our S and am wondering if I am dealing with a Vanisher who is feeling forced to boomerang because of our S? Another reason I think H could be a Vanisher is that he lives 30 miles away in a different small town south of us where he shares a house with a guy from work who recently went through a D. That guy is selling his house and transferring and my H recently went to look at a place to rent in another small town to the west of us that is about 20 miles away. We live in a college town and there are tons of places that H can rent, yet he is choosing to live far away and commute. Does this sound like Vanisher behavior? Or just typical MLC?
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Ladybird,
But I have a question. How can there be any hope if my H has not shown me or verbalized any affection or love in months and months on end? In the 16 months since my H first told me he wanted to leave, he has consistently told me that he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me. He only wavered once by agreeing to go to MC last August but since then he has not shown me affection and has not wavered in his decision. This is the main reason why I wonder if I am dealing with MLC or not. My H displays all the other signs and symptoms of MLC like being unreliable etc. But even though my S and I see my H 3 to 4 times a week, my H is consistently adamant about not wanting to be with me. This is what confuses me and makes me feel like my sitch is different than others here and that I may not be dealing with MLC at all.
Sweetie, OP and DGU, are entirely CORRECT; and I see the same thing they see; you're definitely seeing the hallmarks of MLC...I saw these same things myself, as my husband insisted that his feelings had changed for me, that he felt NOTHING for me; and believe it or not, I didn't get the "I love you, but am not in love with you" speech. I got NOTHING but heartache and pain from that man as he tried every way he could to remove me from his heart and mind...his love was buried so deep within that even he couldn't reach it.
He stood way back from me, rejected me, wouldn't tell me anything in the way of feelings for me, but made sure I knew he couldn't stand me in his looks and actions...and in the state of mind he was in...he DIDN'T have one iota of feeling for me, I KNEW he didn't love me during that time; that was for sure.
Like you, I often questioned if he was really done with me, and I just couldn't see it, but up would come an intervention with a small explanation, just enough to keep me on the path I was supposed to be on.....but I could NOT see what was going on within my husband, although outwardly, it looked like it was over..but then, the question remained, WHY does he STILL continue to come home, if he truly does NOT love me?
I would see him do something else that was evident that he didn't love me; and sometimes confused reigned for a time within me, as I would get sucked in again, trying to figure this aspect out..and the Lord would intervene again, reminding me that not everything is as it seems in MLC.
Yes, it ALL hurt, but I couldn't do one thing about it, except let go, and let God handle my husband...and the Lord was the one who turned my husband around, and this took time; simply because I did this most difficult thing....I let him go completely into the hands of the Lord, recognizing that I could not fix anyone but myself.
During MLC their hearts and minds are turned away from the LBS; but you just need to understand this isn't you, it's THEM, and THEIR problem; don't make it yours.
Keep your husband in prayer, but don't push him to tell you anything, and simply learn take him with a grain of salt when he tries to convince you on his own that he feels nothing for you...validate him by saying "I understand" then say nothing else, nor even let him see any kind of reaction in you, don't even respond to further questions designed to "bait" you into feeding his justifications even further....just let him go, and let God handle him, while you learn to handle yourself.
I hope this helps.
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Ladybird,
Keep your husband in prayer, but don't push him to tell you anything, and simply learn take him with a grain of salt when he tries to convince you on his own that he feels nothing for you...validate him by saying "I understand" then say nothing else, nor even let him see any kind of reaction in you, don't even respond to further questions designed to "bait" you into feeding his justifications even further....just let him go, and let God handle him, while you learn to handle yourself.
I hope this helps.
Thank you so much HB! Your reply helps more than you know! :)
I think saying "I understand" is the perfect reply. I have a tough time keeping my feelings bottled up and H knows this, so no doubt he is baiting me to get a reaction. He wants to justify his behavior while at the same time feeding his ego to know I still care. I should change tactics. Do you think going NC would improve my sitch?
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Hello Ladybird,
Do you think going NC would improve my sitch?
The only time, IMHO, you really need to use NC is to keep yourself from going deeper into emotional angst, in order to try to regain your balance, and begin to heal emotionally; and it's often used just after a divorce, or even during the process of a divorce that the MLC'er has brought about themselves to more or less show them the consequences of their actions; at least in the beginning of the separate lives that begin to follow just after the legal union is dissolved.....believe it or not, most MLC'ers who get a divorce don't really expect a change in circumstances; and boy, do they get a rude awakening in response to what THEY have done, when this change happens.
Doesn't mean the LBS can't contact them at all...but for every action there is a reaction, and for every action there is a consequence; and once you go forward you can't go backward.
NC is NOT really supposed to try and get a change in the situation, as I suspect you're trying to figure out how to bring about change...and all this could do is backfire on you, reinforcing his justification for the reason he doesn't feel anything for you.
That's what I think.
It is enough to work on yourself, and bring about change in you, don't worry about him, or what he thinks.
I'd have to read your situation to know more, but this comes off the top of my own head.
I didn't go "NC" on my husband at all; I continued to deal with him, but I changed the way I dealt with him, and if I'd gone "NC" I couldn't have...oh, and by the way NC CAN be used in a situation where the MLC'er is still at home...in fact it can be used in any situational aspect of MLC, if needed; and used sparingly.
Will read your situation to see what I see. :)
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Hello Ladybird,
Do you think going NC would improve my sitch?
The only time, IMHO, you really need to use NC is to keep yourself from going deeper into emotional angst, in order to try to regain your balance, and begin to heal emotionally; and it's often used just after a divorce, or even during the process of a divorce that the MLC'er has brought about themselves to more or less show them the consequences of their actions; at least in the beginning of the separate lives that begin to follow just after the legal union is dissolved.....believe it or not, most MLC'ers who get a divorce don't really expect a change in circumstances; and boy, do they get a rude awakening in response to what THEY have done, when this change happens.
Doesn't mean the LBS can't contact them at all...but for every action there is a reaction, and for every action there is a consequence; and once you go forward you can't go backward.
NC is NOT really supposed to try and get a change in the situation, as I suspect you're trying to figure out how to bring about change...and all this could do is backfire on you, reinforcing his justification for the reason he doesn't feel anything for you.
Will read your situation to see what I see. :)
Thanks again HB! Well, our D may come sooner than I expect it to. Yesterday my H told me that he had made an appt to file the DIY divorce paperwork. He can file it and pay the fee later. I was very upset when I heard this from him and calmly asked him what was the hurry? He said he didn't know and sort of shrugged his shoulders and said he hasn't done anything...yet. He said he was going to be scre*ed over financially by me. A lot of his anger towards me is about money and how much money and time he has wasted on me and our life together. He seems very unhappy working so much and I don't think he likes his job much and feels burnt out by it but won't admit it. He has told me before that he wants the divorce for "closure". He also said yesterday that he wants to get away from me and that he wants his freedom. So you can see why I feel so little hope. I am to blame for everything which is why I think he may be happier if I did go NC. Perhaps that way he would see that his problems are NOT because of me after all. But again I don't know.
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"NC is NOT really supposed to try and get a change in the situation"
Absolutely true.....otherwise you are using no contact to manipulate.
"it's often used just after a divorce, or even during the process of a divorce that the MLC'er has brought about themselves to more or less show them the consequences of their actions; at least in the beginning of the separate lives that begin to follow just after the legal union is dissolved.....believe it or not, most MLC'ers who get a divorce don't really expect a change in circumstances; and boy, do they get a rude awakening in response to what THEY have done, when this change happens."
I can give two very real stories on this. I did not go no contact with my wife during the divorce process. In fact, during the divorce process, my wife cycled a lot and there was plenty of contact.....talked more than once about withdrawing the divorce, we spent time together, went to marriage counseling etc. The article Progress: Backward, Forward, Limbo, describes exactly what happened......the cycling was extreme, one time in particular in about a 15 hour time frame.
After the divorce, I still didn't go no contact......partly because we still shared some responsibilities with assets. I did, however COMPLETELY stop pursuing. Funny thing was, once the divorce was final, she contacted me nearly every day for a week or so. And since the divorce has been final, contact has also been consistent.
I actually do think the MLCer expects to feel different after a divorce. And it takes a long time to realize they don't. It's part of the avoidance that is Replay.
Of course, there's also the story of my friend. Lots of similarities. He did request that his ex-wife not contact him after she had been married to other man for 6 months or so......but 6 months later, she did contact my friend.....and let him know the marriage to other man was not good......even though she told everyone else it was going great.....and of course she did divorce other man.
So neither me nor my friend went no contact during or after our divorces. In both cases, though, we stopped pursuing. My experience is that divorce will not affect the fact that MLC is a process.
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DGU,
Not trying to "fix" you here; but there's also been instances where the MLC'er has gotten a divorce and expected NO change in the status quo, some expect that the LBS will simply continue as before; taking abuse, giving up money, and other things, when honestly, once the divorce that's initiated by a typical MLC'er that demands it, proceeds with it, and it's finished, the "right" the MLC'er once had to the LBS is no longer available in that aspect, until such a time when they begin to grow up within themselves; more firm boundaries had to be laid for the MLC'er by the LBS......and in those instances NC was used to show the MLC'er change THE MLC'ER had initiated, the literal consequences of their actions...generally when one divorces there is NO responsibility on the part of the LBS to contact the MLC'er, if they don't choose to, while the typical MLC'er thinks there should be NO change, and they can still do what they want, and they ASSUME, most WRONGLY, nothing will change, when a LIFE CHANGING event HAS indeed place; regardless of why it's been done.
Sometimes the NC post-divorce is enough to cause the MLC'er to realize they've made the biggest mistake of their life, sometimes it takes longer for them to also realize the pain they were trying to rid themselves of, is NOT gone. And some, sadly, NEVER see it, spending their lives in misery and heartache....especially after they "wake up" to what they've done and all they've lost.
Your wife is fortunate, indeed, that you're willing to stick with her; there are not many men who would do that or be as willing to stand to see what happens in the future. :)
Like the crisis itself, anything and everything can happen once a divorce initiated and completed by the MLC'er is finished.
I didn't and don't ever wish for you to think that I thought(not that what I think matters, but here it is, :) ) that what you did in your situation was wrong, I've never thought that of you in regards to how you handled your situation post divorce.....you knew your situation well, and I know each situation is different, and each one requires different handling, as per what the LBS knows of their MLC spouse.
Just wanted to make that clear to you; you're doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt, and you are doing quite well in spite of circumstances...I've had no advice come for you..but that doesn't mean you're not going the right way as per your situation, you've learned a great deal, and learning is always better than getting stuck...and you've not done that. :)
You're moving forward in your own knowledge and wisdom, doing quite well in searching out links, and other helpful articles for the posters. :)
Believe me when I say you're helping more than you realize. :) It's the "unsung" veterans that often get overlooked...and also believe me when I say from my point of view, you are NOT overlooked at all, especially by me and so many others....even if I don't say anything much your way, I DO see the helpfulness of your posts, and like so many others here that have come such a long way, you don't "need" backing up...you do that very well on your own. :)
Just a few words of encouragement. :)
Blessings to you, my friend,
HB
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Ladybird,
I posted directly on your thread, and I know it's quite a long post, but it's there in response to what I saw on your thread....we really do need to stop hijacking this one, LOL!!
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All - I must be dense. I've been trying to understand what this means. Does it mean everything that they say is false? I know h believes and says he is telling the truth and all the time.
Are you also saying we should "believe" 50% of what they do is...what? Does that mean when he moves out and says he isn't coming back. Does that mean "never" isn't never but instead I "right now never" want or will come back?
Can someone give me a concrete example or two or more of "nothing of what they say" and "50% of what they do"? I seem not to be able to wrap my head around this thought.
Sure I'd be happy to help you with this concept!! ;D
"Believe nothing of what they say..." means that when a person is in MLC and/or having an affair, that they will go into what is called "Monster Mode" here on this website and say things that are so incredibly cruel and vicious that it leaves you ... well SPEECHLESS! Plus you have known them for years or decades and you know for a fact that is not their character. So when they say those mean, horrible, heartless things, we say "believe nothing of what they say..." because what comes out of their mouth is justification for what they know is wrong. They'll rewrite history--deny what is right in front of their face--lie while looking you in the eyes. And we say "believe nothing of what they say..." because you know it's not true and so do we...and on some level so do they. Just let it roll off like wind that's passing you by.
(Now I've been disloyal so I know that there is also some very small morsel of truth in what they say, but it's like a kernel in a big hay pile.)
"Believe only 50% of what they do..." means that when a person is in MLC and/or having an affair, that they are struggling with something or looking for something so a lot of what they actually DO isn't really them either. For example, they'll dress like a teenager when they're 50. Or listen to heavy metal when they were into Pat Boone before. They'll start "partying" or going out drinking etc. when they were a good dad or good mom before. They'll move out to try to "get space" to "try to find happiness" etc. when they are pushing away those who love them and who would probably make them feel happier!!
So when they threaten to move out or divorce--just let it roll off like wind that's passing you by. When they actually DO move out or file--believe about half of it because they probably don't mean to utterly leave your life. They're just trying to get all the benefits of being married (like security and a life partner and sex) without any of the responsibility...or trying to intimidate you into doing something their way by filing. If they REALLY meant it, they would pack, move, file and you'd never hear from them again because they were DONE (and even THOSE folks who disappear often come back).
Finally for some examples.
Believe nothing of what they say--do not believe it when they say:
"I never loved you." "I don't love you the way a spouse should." "You have never loved me." "You always screamed at me!" "You were (insert excuse here such as too tall, too short, too heavy, too thin, etc.)" "Who would WANT to stay married to you?" "I wanted to divorce you LONG before I met him/her! They have nothing to do with it!" "We are just friends!" (Can you see how really none of these are true? Now they may have felt lonely or unloved due to some behavior--and that's the kernel of truth I was talking about. But ALL THIS OTHER STUFF is just smoke and mirrors to distract you and them from looking at their actions and taking personal responsibility for their own choices.) NOTE: Any "threats" to do something like move out or divorce go up here because it's just talk.
Believe 50% of what they do--do not believe it about half the time when they:
Claim to be working late. Put a password on their PC or cell for "privacy." Dye their hair--lose weight--wear leather--and start liking new music all at the same time. Need to go to their car to answer their cell phone. Go out to get milk...for two hours. Tell you they are just hanging out with their friends. Start to pack. Search on the computer for apartments. Open a separate banking account. When they get a new cell phone "from work." Promise to pay anything (such as child support, 1/2 the mortgage, etc.). Promise it's a "temporary separation" so they can "think."
I believe you get the idea now...right?
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Hello all,
I'm a new member but have followed this site for awhile and finally joined per Oldpilot's recommendation. I'm glad I did because this thread was exactly what I've been needing today. I won't bog the thread down with my story but I started a new thread if anyone wants to read it.
My W hit me up with the info that she had filed for D before even dropping the ILYBNILWY bomb the next day. She has hell-bent on fast-tracking the D and threatened me not to try to slow it down or drag it on. In Ky a couple can be divorced after being separated for 60 days. I was devastated not only about the D but that she wanted it over with ASAP. To me, that meant we would be out of each other's lives for good and only communicate about kids. I thought we would only see each other at birthday parties, graduations etc. and was devastated that my best friend, lover and W I had been with for 21 years could discard me like trash with little to no warning.
Then, she didn't even stop sleeping in the bed with me. We even had sex less than a week later. Things did not make sense to me at all. In fact, it wasn't until after I got tired of being told to stay on my side and not touch her that I suggested sleeping separately and she moved to the living room couch. 3 more weeks passed before she actually moved to her parents'. The discussions that have happened between us since then have been so bizarre to me that I feel like I'm the one that's nuts. She wants us to do things "as a family" with the kids weekly, and even mentioned she and I going to see a movie next weekend. It became clear very quickly that D to her did not mean the same as it did to me. It's like she wants to stay married except without the affection and sex. We have plans to spend the day with the kids tomorrow and take the kids out to eat and to the movies, all her treat. She's even bringing breakfast when she comes over tomorrow morning. We've gone out with the kids just about weekly since the BD, and were going out every day almost until she moved out. This is pure Twilight Zone to me because I've never known anyone to act like this when they D. Never. My assistant even remarked that she doesn't so much as let her ex in the house when he comes to see their daughter.
I should add she informed me last night she was looking over a Separation Agreement. We could have been D by now but she has apparently cooled her jets somewhat. She has said some strange things over the past two months about that we MIGHT get D and that this was something she HAD TO DO. She couldn't even explain why she HAD to and I started to log in my own memory banks that she is just not sane. If she is looking at a SA, that is not required for D so it might be a sign she's having second thoughts. I don't know, and I sure can't believe anything she says to me.
So, my question is should I go along with the "family outings" while she is still at this stage or should I make myself unavailable. NC is not an option due to the kids and the fact that we both agreed that we could see the kids every day. When I agreed to this I thought she would take the kids, but instead they are living with me full-time and will continue to so I have to see her almost every day whether I want to or not. I deeply love her and am not sure if spending more time with her will even have any effect or not at this stage in the game. Help is appreciated!! Thanks!