Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Rollercoasterider on September 04, 2011, 08:06:44 AM
-
I'm trying something new and I don't know if or how it will work.
In my backend I can create membergroups. You can see these in profiles because subscribers are automatically added to their subscription group type and posters with mentors are added to their Mentor's group.
I'd love it if my backend allowed me to create categories of groups, but instead I just start the group name with the category--i.e. Mentor: OldPilot
So I've just created a new category of groups: MLCer Type. I don't know if this will work or not because I don't know if there is a function for finding people in your group type--once you sign yourselves up. But here are the types I' ve just created so far...
- MLCer Type: Vanisher http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=297.0
- Vanisher 2 http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3368.0
- MLCer Type: Off-n-Ons
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=305.0 - MLCer Type: Boomerang
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1536.0 - MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=676.0 - MLCer Type: Low-Energy Wallower
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1301.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=303.0
I have not created a High-Energy group because it pretty much describes most MLCers...though so does Boomerang for that matter.
I can create more and may add At-Home, but Idon't know how this will work out so I want to keep it simple for now.
These groups are ones you can sign up for on your own--I think through your profile. If you are a newbie, I recommend waiting because it can take a few months before your MLCer falls into type-pattern. And Clinging Boomerangs are also Boomerangs--it's just a subtype. but you don't have to sign up for both--or either.
I'm not doing this so that you can huddle together with your type and isolate yourselves; I'm not going to create special boards for specific groups. I just want you to have a way to search each other out...which is why I'm not sure how this will work because it depends on whether you can search each other out. So we will see.
Okay, I just tested how to add yourself to a group with my test account.
- Go into the Profile tab.
- Select the Modif Profile tab.
- Select Group Membership at the bottom of the pull-down menu
- Choose your group
As of now all but one of the groups are by MLCer Contact Type, so here are those articles.
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html)
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types_clinging-boomerang.html
Oh, I added my test account to the group Clinging Boomerang, so maybe we can all try and find me there--Penelope.
-
I believe I successfully joined a group, but now what? Where can I find it?
-
There shouldn't be anything to find--it's not meant to be something active. It's just meant to be a tool for finding others with similar situations--hooking up Vanishers with Vanishers.
-
I see it now. I was looking for a list, but see it by my name now.
-
I'm in. who knows what I did?.... LOLOL :) :) :)
OH you have to click on my name to find out.
I guess because I am in the moderator group
EDIT - For those people in another GROUP it will not show up on your name - Never fear - you have still registered and at some point in the future we may get it to be able to show up for everyone.
Thanks for participating.
It is a help.
-
I'm in. who knows what I did?.... LOLOL :) :) :)
OH you have to click on my name to find out.
I guess because I am in the moderator group
This is I think the problem. I think the system only allows for one membergroup to be shown on the sidebar in posts. So we can sign up for multiple groups, but only one will show up on a glance. Even us moderators who can see the memberlist and sort it will only be able to see one group for each person.
That's why I'm just testing to see if we can all figure out how to search by group.
I'd ask at smf, but this is not the sort of question to ask on the board you and I usually post on because that is for probelms and so we would be moved somewhere else--somewhere with little traffic I assume.
-
I joined two groups, but neither showed up on my profile.
Then I left one group.
It still doesn't show the one that I kept on my profile.
Hmmm? What did I do wrong?
L
-
I joined two groups, but neither showed up on my profile.
Then I left one group.
It still doesn't show the one that I kept on my profile.
Hmmm? What did I do wrong?
L
Nothing - you are in three or 4 groups so we can only see the first two. one
-
RCR also What would you think about having a thread(s) or a board for these groups?
That way those of us with a certain type of MLC'er could support similar types of people.
-
I'm finally in a group!! Yay!! Now I belong!
-
Ok, it doesn't show up at all. Cripes.
-
RCR also What would you think about having a thread(s) or a board for these groups?
That way those of us with a certain type of MLC'er could support similar types of people.
I don't think a board separate from everything else would be appropriate, but there are already topic threads for these types--maybe not all, but they can be started
I looked for the Vanisher thread and like you--as noted in a different Vanisher thread--I couldn't find it.
-
LOL..you funny
-
Ok, it doesn't show up at all. Cripes.
This is because you are in a mentoring group.
We still have to work out the kinks in this.
You are still in the group we just have to figure out how to use all this information.
-
There is a mod where you can view all groups in the profile--but it is listed as being for 2.0 RC 5--the beta version before final 2.0. Many of those mods work though. But I am a bit nervous about testing mods because Christian said to never add them to a live foru without testing first--and I don't understant where I would test them then--I asked and he did not answer.
I'm looking over a few mods. But it will be after the holiday and not for a few days at the least because Sweetheart is having (minor) surgery on Wednesday and then a few days of recovering--one of which includes an all-day orientation class for the adoption that is help only 2x a year, so we've been waiting for it!!
-
Adoption? Are you guys adopting?
-
Just to update
This is who has signed up so far, others may have signed up but I do not yet have the capability of seeing it.
RCR is able to I believe.
I have pinned the threads to the top of the board
eternity MLCer Type: Boomerang
LettingGo MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
LifeGoesOn MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
Female bewildered MLCer Type: In-N-Out
readytofixmyselffirst MLCer Type: Low-Energy
Female Purple stain MLCer Type: Low-Energy
trusting MLCer Type: Low-Energy
Mermaid MLCer Type: Low-Energy
Still MLCer Type: Low-Energy
Female SpecialK MLCer Type: Low-Energy
Male OldPilot MLCer Type: Low-Energy
Female SpecialK MLCer Type: Low-Energy
Male readytofixmyselffirst MLCer Type: Low-Energy
Female Purple stain MLCer Type: Low-Energy
Female AnneJ MLCer Type: Vanisher
Female Tsunami MLCer Type: Vanisher
Female Sweetpea MLCer Type: Vanisher
-
So if you find your group at the top please update as per RCR's instructions on page 1.
Thanks everyone for your help with this project.
-
OP
ok this week going to bed now meetings all day tomorrow xx
-
OP
ok this week going to bed now meetings all day tomorrow xx
I started the thread already B - but you can post in it when you get a chance.
-
OP, I have 'joined' the Boomerang group; however, I can't decide whether my h. is low energy or not. Immediately after BD he was manic and moved in with OW quickly - although probably quicker than he planned since I threw him out. He then went about putting lots of energy into this new life away from me He does not spew at me although this could be because I haven't let him near me and his monster, the little I have seen, is quite gentle.
My kids have all said that he is 'depressed' or 'emotional, although also that he seems to be calmer recently.
My impression when I saw him recently is that he realises that he has messed up and yet does not know how to fix it so is trying his hardest to make his new life work. He is not happy; more stoic than anything else.
I think he is low energy even though his initial behaviour after BD was certainly manic and full of energy.
I would appreciate your thoughts on this.
CrazyStuff
-
CS, I have thought about this as well; I think the high-energy types have "low" periods, but overall they are the ones that went quickly, DID stuff about sorting their new lives, etc. This may be a spectrum as well, from the lowest lows (those who just lie on the sofa an moan) to the most manic monsters.
I've sometimes even wondered about mine, but then look at what all he's done and think "goodness, that can't be low energy". The new jobs, the toys, the trips, the women..... even though I've seen him be very depressed during this process, he always "does" something -- never sits there and contemplates (or if he does, I don't see it). So the last time he broke up with an OW he promptly took himself off for 3 weeks abroad, for example, before going right out and finding the next one.
So by that reckoning yours would still be high-energy (or on the higher side, at least), even if he hasn't been horrible monster, filed papers, etc.
You may well be right when you say that he realises that he has messed up but doesn't know how to fix it; he has to go through this phase as well; if he's stoic then that's part of it.
I only say that because way back when, in my "early life" crisis, I went through that -- and at the end I realised that I COULD fix it, and then did, in a hurry. But not until I decided to myself.
x
-
Ok, I joined Boomerang, however I think mine tends along the line towards on and off, at least, in relation to me.
His pattern of contact with me is generally only by text, e-mail and the rare phone call (always his initiative) on a weekly basis (once a week aorund Tues/Wednes/Thurs). His contact with the kids is more personal and he comes to the house when I am not there to have lunch and leave and pick up his laundry. He takes advantage of this time to talk to the kids and inform them of what he is doing, what his plans are...
What do you think? Am I correct in my assessment?
-
CS, I think we're in the same boat--I have not allowed mine to cling or boomerang, or any of that. He said he wanted a divorce so he could marry his soulmate, so that's what I gave him. I guess he might be low energy, but it seems like it must take a lot of energy to do what he's doing, and he has invested a lot in trying to be super-dad. That's why I always doubted my H is in MLC, since he doesn't fit into any of the types--just more stuff to make me confused!!!
-
I joined the boomerang
-
I joined the boomerang
YES we can see it under your name! :) :) :)
-
I joined the boomerang
YES we can see it under your name! :) :) :)
Does this mean I can offically behave as a boomerang now ;D ;D ;D
-
But I can't see my group next to my name... why is that?
-
But I can't see my group next to my name... why is that?
Because we can only see up to two one groups right now.
For you it makes the third group
You are in the group but we have no way to view it yet.
More Patience is required. :) :) :)
-
More Patience is required. :) :) :)
Don't you know that is wrong thing to say to me! ;) ;) ;)
-
CS, I have thought about this as well; I think the high-energy types have "low" periods, but overall they are the ones that went quickly, DID stuff about sorting their new lives, etc. This may be a spectrum as well, from the lowest lows (those who just lie on the sofa an moan) to the most manic monsters.
T&L,
Thanks for verbalizing this. I saw the same in the beginning, went quickly filed quickly; however now I see lowest of lows when I do see him, which has been quite a long time.
Guess the "manic shopping spree" wore him down when the money ran out. At the spousal support hearing all I hear was how sad it was he had been forced to eat raman noodles. Oh spare me, who caused that crap?
Insanity, just complete insanity and so tough to grasp their behavior, because these men are someone we don't know or recognize.
RCR couldn't be more correct when she states they show symptoms of bipolar behavior.
-
I'm making some progress.
I uploaded a modifcation for putting the icon aassociated with groups in the info with each post. I had wanted jsut the group name, but when I saw an example it looked nice.
So I've created a bunch of icons. I have the mentor group icons almost finished and the others I have the blank icon created and now I just have to go add the specific groups, save each file and upload.
But you may notice that the icons are a tad long--only by a few pixels. The mentor groups are now showing and they protrude just a tad into the posting text.
That should be an easy fix--they are so long because ReadyToFixMySelfFirst's name is so long! ;)
So that will just be an easy fix.
But I don't know how well it will work. It works now simply because I've only created the mentor groups and so there are not two icons to show. Some people at the mod thread talked about some difficulties and therewere a ton of code fixes, so I may need to wade through those eventually.
This will do nothing to make them searchable, but at least you will be able to see who has what type of MLCer--supposing you've added yourself to a group.
-
Oh YAY, the group buttons are working!
For some groups--apparently the mentor groups and mods at least--it also shows up in text as it had before. I don't know if there is away to remove those now, though it's minor and I'm not concerned.
I think this modification that puts the icons out is separate from the typical board rule that allows for only one or two group memberships to show up--in text, so that's why all the icons show even though the text for each group does not--I think.
-
MLCer Type: Boomerang 19
MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang 21
MLCer Type: Low-Energy 16
MLCer Type: Off-N-On 14
MLCer Type: Vanisher 19
Current membership stats as of 12-5-2011
On the first page of this thread are links for all the groups, if you want to read their threads or in RCR's post it tells you how to sign up for the groups.
-
For some reason, my Boomerang isn't showing up under NewBeginnings. It was there and now it's gone. I even just deleted it and rejoined Boomerang but it still isn't showing up. Anyone have any suggestions?
NB
-
That is because the system only allows for one membergroup to show up.
I added a modification that allowed for more, but that was the mod that caused those error messages a few weeks back--some people couldn't post at all and no one could read any of their posts, new or old.
So I've set up a test forum where I can test mods before adding them over here, cause I want that mod back.
-
Thanks for bumping this up. I am wondering if I should reclassify my H as an Off-n-On? I haven't seen him in 3 weeks and the only communication was me asking for $ for the joint acct last week. I had him down as a Clinging Boomerang, but the dynamics seem to be changing. If I reclassify him, will this start to show as a pattern of behavior for future CB's?
EDIT - I think as the crisis goes along they can change, or you get more information.
I would wait to see if it really is a trend 3 weeks is nothing for now.(in MLC time) - OldPilot
-
My MLCer type isn't showing, I joined a group, am I doing something wrong?
-
My MLCer type isn't showing, I joined a group, am I doing something wrong?
No it is because you have a mentor, you are signed up, good job.
It is a help to know what kind of contact types everyone is and at some point in the future we may be able to
show who is in each group. RCR and I are able to view these groups.
Thanks for participating.
-
I know that RCR touched on this topic recently on one of her blog posts, but I would love to see more info on LBS types. Something to think about.
-
I think I got it...I picked Boomerang. Thanks Sideways
-
Just read this on the DB board and did not realize that Sally Conway described different types of MLC'ers
There are three types of mlcers:
1. Drop-in. This is the mlcer that continues to come to the home, most likely on a daily basis or every couple of days. They have dinner, sit around w/the children and just visit like old times.
2. Droplet. This is the mlcer who comes to home or visits w/you periodically. They may come by every couple of weeks or months. They don't make a habit of being at your residence all of the time like drop-in does.
3. Dropout. This is the mlcer who walks out the door and you never hear from him or see him again for a very, very long time. No contact at all. They ride off into the sunset never to be seen or heard from again by you or family.
The three descrptions were best described by Sally Conway in her book that she wrote many years ago. The descrptions helped me determine which one my h was. For a while, he was the droplet and then evolved into the dropout.
Is this the basis of RCR's contact types?
-
Yup!
I actually posted the excerpt from Sally several times at DB. I split her Dropin into Boomerang and Clinging Boomerang.
-
How sad....my H is a dropler and he has two little kids :'(...
-
I thought there was a bit on this thread about how MLCers can hover near the border of two kinds of contact, or rather how the Boomerang can hover on either the border of being a Clinger, or much closer to the off-and-on. I've seen that; in the first years mine hovered on the Clinging border, still considering us his family, wanting to be with us at Christmas, etc., he then moved to the other end of the Boomerang spectrum (what led me to first of all think that he was overall an off-and-on).
He seems to have settled at that end, at least in his attitude, although he physically comes here more regularly (once a week, and doesn't seem to have as many several-week breaks as he did for a while in earlier years). Right now he's treating us/kids as an obligation, earlier years he seemed to want to come because HE wanted to be here, so emotional disconnection increasing.
-
T&L, MLCers can even go through the all spectrum: clingy, on-and-off, vanisher. Mine was the first type while I was still at our flat. Had a long distance version of clinger for a while, then moved to on-and-off and has been a vanisher for years. Not a vanisher that has totally vanished for the surface of earth (I know where he works at and his clubbing life is public domain) but he has stop contacting, except when my kitten (that was with him) died, and last year to wish me happy birthday and merry christmas. I contact him for legal/paperwork reasons, especially lately, because of the recent legal issues.
-
In the beginning I would say H was maybe a boomerang, the only contact now is some excuse about finances . I never see him except when he drives by our home. Lives down the street with OW . May H is a clinger but with no contact :o
-
Wish there was more info on patterns with Vanishers. I follow the advice on this board. I did not beg. I did not push R talk. We are divorced now, as H filed as soon as he legally could. No children. So no "excuses" for contact any longer. But I often wonder if I did everything I could to save my marriage.
The Vanishers I know of in RL have never returned. My H's father abandoned family and ran away with next-door neighbor's wife. He moved from northeast to Florida with OW and married OW. Never looked back. It was only in recent years as he is moving into old age and after he had heart bypass that he attempted to contact my ex. My ex wanted nothing to do with him. Then repeated his father's pattern.
A friend's father announced on Thanksgiving day 25 years ago, when he was in his 40s, he was leaving wife and kids for OW. OW much younger and Brazilian. My friend's father moved to Brazil. Never tried to reconnect with wife. Ex-wife still single. Does have some relationship now with adult kids.
A friend of a friend's husband moved five states away from his wife and two young kids for a short-term job. He was 38. Then announced never coming home. Never tried to reconnect in 7 years. Does see kids though, but not frequently. Now re-married, even though his ex-wife still single.
Maybe the pattern is that Vanishers who make a point of not only divorcing, but putting extreme physical distance between themselves and spouse, are never come back. Not much left for me to have hope for.
-
I don’t know Birdsoul… mine wasn’t a vanisher from the beginning. While I was around he would be on the flat all the time. I’m the one who, 7 months after he left, moved back home (I got a job, now long gone). He remained in contact. The loss of contact was gradual and from both sides. If I move back to the big city and/or attend his clubbing night he wil be more than glad to see me. He also had not filled for divorce as soon as he left nor is doing anything to really get divorced. So, my vanisher is a little different from someone who was a vanisher from the start.
-
It's hard to say whether they are all Vanishers in the MLC sense. Being in the age group gives pause about it, but it doesn't guarantee it. I think no matter what the type, it's impossible to know what the odds are until they are coming out of (or completely out of) replay. Since it was never about us, our contact with them won't provide the outcome, either. In some ways, Vanishing may actually be better, as there's no possibility of planting the wrong kind of seeds with our well-deserved anger.
-
Can anyone explain the difference between Boomerang and Clinging Boomerang?
Also I'm curious about off and on... Tying to figure out what type mine is at this point :)
-
Can anyone explain the difference between Boomerang and Clinging Boomerang?
Also I'm curious about off and on... Tying to figure out what type mine is at this point :)
Did you read this?
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html
-
Thanks OP...I did not see that link before...
It looks like there is a very fine line between Boomerang and Clinging Boomerang. I don't know that mine is Clinging Boomerang anymore. At least not to me he isn't. He does cling to the house...but I cant figure out if it's because of the kids, or the fact that it is HIS property...or some other reason.
I guess it doesn't matter though huh? lol
-
It looks like there is a very fine line between Boomerang and Clinging Boomerang. I don't know that mine is Clinging Boomerang anymore. At least not to me he isn't.
There's no firm lines between the different categories; he may wander from clinging to not clinging. If he was a Clinging Boomerang he'd still be acting like he wanted a relationship and seeking reassurance.
But you are right; in the long run, it doesn't matter. The contact types are more about helping the LBS understand and deal with the contact (or lack thereof) with their MLCer.
-
Page one has all the links
-
Someone recently suggested mine was a clinging boomerang over on my thread. He has never shown any sign in the slightest that he is interested in a reconciliation or scared of losing me. He has stated in mediation two months ago that he could never see a R with me in his future. He expressed a desire to introduce OW to our kids and we told the kids that Mummy and Daddy would be divorced soon on the 11th May. He comes back to see the kids and that is it. He is projecting a LOT and feeling like he has been 'kicked out' when I started to pack his stuff up after we told the kids. This seemed to the right thing to do to ensure that the children are clear that Daddy does not live with us anymore and that he is just 'staying' on Tuesdays and the night before his birthday. This is not clinging boomerang behaviour is it?