Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Synicca on September 19, 2011, 08:57:42 AM
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I know, I may have gotten this whole ball rolling...I hope I am not stepping on ANY toes here by asking this question...maybe this is something RCR would like to do...( any Moderators here think I am in the wrong?) please let me know. :)
Since we are all a part of this group....it might be a good idea to get feedback so that we all can find a place of peace.
a SAFE place....
I have some suggestions....
Be patient with Newbies...they need to be welcomed and helped along to get their footing first before they are told to GAL. or to DETACH...it wont help and its to confusing when your lost in dispair. ( unless of course the newbie isnt a newbie to their MLC spouse )
Not everyone will follow the script.....so allow everyone to go at their own pace..I think it is important to help a LBSer
to do what "feels" right for themselves..we do not know their spouse so thats important, so that no one feels like
they are doing everything wrong. ( there is no wrong or right way )
These are just a couple of ideas...
hugs
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Show compassion to all posters, offer gentle guidance and the occasional 2X4 when needed. I personally needed gentle 2 X 4 when my thoughts and actions were repetitive and when my thinking was non therapeutic, sorta of like I'm feeling now ;D
We need this, otherwise it's just like my friends who make me feel pathetic, tell me I'm doing everything wrong and I need to give up on my marriage...they are not helpful with my healing at all!!
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I think this is a great forum just to vent and feel like someone will listen and say its OK ... lots of times posters don't want advice, they just need to be heard by someone who understands. That's how I feel, when I have wanted advice I have asked the question ... can you give me advice please?? Otherwise I have just wanted to post to get my feelings out and to explain what's going on.
I agree newbies need gentleness and compassion, everyone deserves respect and each situation is different. Just being heard is enough for some people, sometimes advice isn't required.
R E S P E C T ... as Aretha sang! xxx
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The way I try to help make it a safe place is knowing that people are also looking for answers to the question "what has happened to my spouse?"
So my intent is to make it a safe place by providing information. I am one who believes that while each case of MLC has it's obvious differences, the commonalities are too great to ignore. How many people have read articles that describe their situation so closely it amazes them? Below is part of RCR's article on acceptance. It's about acceptance through education and information.
"Acceptance in its intellectual form is about recognizing the process. For many this includes self-education about MLC, its root causes and recent triggers and thus recognizing that regardless of your flaws and indiscretions, his MLC is not your fault. If the fault is not yours, neither is the solution."
When I express an opinion or an experience, I can almost always back it up with a reference. I do this to show commonality, but also to reduce the emotion.
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Good topic Synicca.
Thanks for the reminder on promoting detachment too early...I know I've done that in the past. Which is funny considering I'm the worst detacher there is...lol.
Seriously, good post. I don't have any suggestions but I'm interested to hear what others say.
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I think I'm guilty of wanting to shove newbies in what I think is the right direction. Probably to help
them avoid the mistakes I've made early on. I have an excuse, I'm a man! OK I know that won't fly here
but I thought I'd try ;).
Sy, thanks for not just walking away! KUDDOS KIDDO!
Let the LBSs that are having a good time with this MLC stuff raise their hands! I didn't think so....
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Oh the journal thing is great! I like it.
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RY- Maybe its the "fixer" in me....LOL!! I like to resolve issues...and I dont want to leave without trying atleast help to calm the storms
here, I may have slightly created..;)
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Question concerning why it is a bad thing to promote GALing and detachment too early....My take on this is that MLC takes years. The pain that LBSers also takes years to go through. These concepts are key to our personal growth and healing.
When I post to someone, I am basing my thoughts on my experience. 2 years later, I am still detaching..we all are.....but, it had to start somewhere.
The seed was planted early on for me...by OP, HB and later by Stayed as well as RCR's articles....make a life of my own, live as though he isn't coming back, you have the gift of time, take this time to work on yourself...YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.
When I broke down (and that happened many, many times) the advice that I received always helped me..even if it was not what I wanted to hear. Even when it was tough because I did not want to believe that my situation would go this way...for sure my situation was different and would be shorter, less painful.
Sooo...I am against setting "rules" about what can be said and cannot be said. I think that when done with respect and good intention, then what we can learn from one another is EXACTLY why this forum saved my life. Truly, the people here, the ideas expressed..that is what is making me healthy again.
I'm not sure where this anger is coming from.....the problem with this type of communication is that there is no body language to help us to decipher what the true meaning or intention was....words can be taken several ways and because something is posted and then perhaps not responded to immediately..it is difficult to clarify what the person's meaning truly is...opening up to a great deal of misinterpretation.
As well, yes, this site tends to be for people who are standing for their marriages and also often (but not always) have a strong faith belief system...but if it helps non standers and non believers, then that's fine with me. And there are people who will choose to stand one day and not the next....as HB has said..it is always the LBSer's choice of when to stay or go.
The many different opinions expressed, the pros and cons help me to look at things objectively so I can make good decisions about my future...whether of not my Beloved is ever in it again
I will be honest, I am saddened bu the hurt feelings and turmoil that is being experienced here because I KNOW how much you all care about each other. OMG, when I read a newbie's post my heart breaks over and over again..because until they can discover some true friends here to guide them, comfort them and listen to them...they are truly on their own in a world that DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH.
I know...for those who know me, I am a Pollyanna kumbaya type of person......may we really take a look at what is causing us this distress.....we all hurt on so many levels and are hypersensitive I think because our normal regulatory mechanisms have been so stressed and overworked by this constant distress.....please....may each one of you know that only you will discover what you need, only you can decided what is right for you and your family..take what each person has to say, weigh it and place a value on it as you will. If it doesn't fit..then don't incorporate it into your life situation.
May God bless each one of you and may He heal you as only He can.
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xyzcf
I don't think it is a bad thing to promote detaching and GAL early on.....even knowing the LBS will not be able to do either right away. But sometimes we also say some form of "there's nothing you can do". When the LBS is told those things, the feeling of helplessness can set in, when there are things that the LBS can learn how to "do" (respond vs react for example)
RCR covers this in the blog below
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?paged=13
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xyz- I really think it depends on the LBSer...to beable to "feel" around with what and how they are feeling should determine
how to go forth in advice...not it being the first comment to a newbie, thats all...get to KNOW the person first before you lay it
out for them....thats what I think, because everyone is different. someone may not beable to handle one thing but someone else
can...make sense??
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That's the problem Synicca..we don't know that person at all...we don't know their past history, what mental health issues they are dealing with..and there is a danger here that inadvertently we can say something that could be damaging. We also do not know if they are in an abusive realtionship or in any other type of danger.
I was so desperate for knowledge, I read everything I could. Goggled MLC hundreds of times before finding this site and obsessed with wanting to know what could I do to get him to come back?
I could not do anything...I could only try and get out of bed each day.
I see that when Newbies come on, there is so much support for them, so many people welcome them, express things to them...at first, the trust isn't there but with time..we gravitate to people who are more like minded...that is true in all relationships.
In my personality type, I want to know the good, the bad and the ugly immediately..there is something else nagging at me....perhaps it is coming from the nurse inside me...whereby sometimes the hurt has to happen...in an emergency situation, the IV's have to be started, the blood work has to be done, the clothes cut open...there is no softening the blow in telling parents that their child has cancer..there is no time to wait to start chemotherapy, even though the family is already in shock.
Possibly that is why I am more inclined to vocalize what MUST happen for us to survive..for we all know how there are times when our very survival is at risk.
This is not a crisis hotline..we cannot fix other LBSers either...I like your caring Synicca and I think that even the most highly educated expert therapists would disagreed as well on how is the right way to proceed.
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I realise that everyone does the best they can....Thats all we can ever do in life...
This thread, really is for suggestions...see how everyone feels...see if some areas can be tweeked out a little..:)
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Syn,
I'm so happy about this topic. I think of myself as a newbie, only into this for 6 months. I actually stopped going on the site because sometimes it spooked me. I wanted to hear that my marriage wasn't hopeless. I did take some of the advise I was given, like GALing. I had stopped doing things that I enjoyed being a wife and mother. I have also through this site actually met some great people. It is nice to put a face to the names. Makes it more personal. I filter what I think that I'm capable of doing right now. I just have found out because of this MLC thing, who I am. I have been going to counseling. I actually like me now. It it wasn't for some of the advise here I don't think that I would have done much more than sit around begging and pleading. That was very helpful advise. I knew that it wasn't getting me anywhere. I guess I just needed that 2 x 4. The distancing, well that's something else. I do give him space, and I stopped the snooping, I don't ask questions. The advise don't ask if you don't want to hear, something you know but again the 2 X 4. And then there's the OW. If I hadn't found this site early on I probably would have killed any chance of my marriage working out if I had done what I first thought about doing. I didn't give her the power. Boundries, well that's something hard to understand when your new to this. I have never had boundried in my marriage I was there to do everything for everyone, or so I thought. In my head I understand how they help, just hard to apply. I think that once you understand about MLC, more of these things make sense. I think that I came here just so I wouldn't feel alone. At first the advise was OVERWHELMING, honestly some I could process, some are still bouncing around in my head. I think that when you first come here all you want to know is WHY. Why would he do this to me, is this MLC, can it be worked on, is there hope. I came here for hope. At first not to walk away from my husband but to FIX IT.
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Interesting this question. I just want to remind what was so helpful for me when I discovered the site. First, I was amazed by people welcoming me, syaing you aren't alone. And special words relieved me, it was the first time in months I could be relieved ( for a few minutes). It was: "day after day, step by step". I dicovered I could be relieved by very tiny things. I read read and reread many times the phrase " Believe nothing he says, half what he does". A wonderful thing was " Dont talk to family and relatives, they wont understand". I rushed after work on the site only to "be" with persons like me , saying " you aren't crazy".
It was very further when I was able to read about " detachment", but with time, even while thinking to him every minut, I could feel in love and detached, I mean in peace inside, believing my love was a warm stuff inside me, and nobody could take it to me. I read and reread about OW: "she is a bandaid", "let their titanic sink itself".
Oh , 21 months after BD, I have progressed, and so graceful. Hugs, Hope (with my approximative english, sorry)
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..we don't know that person at all...we don't know their past history, what mental health issues they are dealing with..and there is a danger here that inadvertently we can say something that could be damaging. We also do not know if they are in an abusive realtionship or in any other type of danger.
X is exactly right. As a newbie myself (or am I finally a former newbie?), I came to this site after having hit a couple of other sites with results ranging from good to downright depressing. Here I found hope and understanding as well as empathy and reassurance that I was not a bad person and not at fault for what was happening. I also found empathy for my W from HB, Syn, FTT and others here. That brought me through the dark times. I came here very much in love with my W and desperately trying to figure out why this was happening and why none of it made sense. I didn't want to believe that I was this person with all these faults that would make my W not only leave me but shut the door without even trying to work on it. I have to say my self esteem and ego were about the lowest they have ever been. If it weren't for this site and LifeTwo I probably would have done something really stupid.
Looking back, I cannot believe how far I've come in the past 4 months (nor can I believe it has been 4 months!). I hae to say that what was most helpful to me in the early days (I got here 6 weeks after BD) was jus the caring ears and sympathetic responses. I received so many PM's comforting me and letting me know everything was going to be ok. I had several give me their personal phone numbers to call, and have called many but still have many calls to make. It was that sense of community that made those days bearable for me. It wasn't until after I got past the initial shock and pain that I was able to start learning more about this and listening to those who were giving advice. Had I found my way here before DB then I might have been quicker to be receptive, but I admit I was skeptical at first and that made me a bit apprehensive.
In short, I think the newbies just need to be told that they are not crazy and that they are not to blame. I think Stayed set a perfect example by reiterating on LonelyandScared's post about how she was not to blame. I know she came here believing she was, so this was such a necessary message for her to hear at this time. How could she have begun to grasp what was going on if she were still blaming herself? There will be time later for getting her Ph.D in MLC, but in the early days we all just needed a shoulder to cry on that did not villify our spouses. I did not come here to have my W bashed, and if anyone is going to do it I want it to be me. Feel free to agree with me when I do, though. LOL.
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We also need to realize it is okay to be angry, okay to grieve, and it is okay to realize that all of us make mistakes and that it is not going to be perfect. There are going to be bombs and sometimes it gets really messy regardless of how far along the process you may find yourself. There is nothing wrong with any of this because it is all part of the process.
I also realize that I am very sensitive at times and that my own feelings and frustrations can easily spill over onto a fellow LBSer's thread. I always remind myself that there is a real person on the other side. A person that is hurting just as much as me.
Sometimes I feel just as helpless as anyone else on the forum. It is like watching a car accident about to happen. You see it coming but there is nothing you can do. I try to offer my encouragement but sometimes my words seem so fake and I wonder, do I really make a difference?
Personally, the forum has always been very kind. There are many loving and caring people out there and I thank God that I found this place. I just wish that we had a few more success stories to hang our hats on.
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Ready, you will see some success stories... but you are going to see waaaaay more divorce stories. As you know, MLCers often will divorce their LBS against their will.... but, standing is hard and most people won't make it.... ALthough I've described it before as being like "Survivor: Outwit, Outlast, Outplay", people do fall by the wayside..... it's HARD, and sometimes people NEED to stand down in order to learn a tough lesson....
I personally get a LOT of contact with my MLCer... he's trying to come home, and has been since last November.... the timeline is excruciatingly long.... but I get to SEE movement... we're now at a point where he will answer questions!! A MIRACLE!! You've got a low energy type.... she brought her black cloud of depression home with her.... it's is like living with someone dying of a disease.... you can't throw them out!! They're SICK!! But, SECRETLY, you wish they would disappear for awhile.... it's just, plain HARD!!
My two cents on why not to bombard NEWBIES with admonishments to GAL and DETACH.... the first six months you are shell shocked and can barely get out of bed.... "gentle 2x4's" for not DOING MORE is pretty cruel, in my book... it's all most can do to get out of bed and brush their teeth and go to work and take care of their kids for a while...
I feel that telling them "Oh, chin up!! GAL!! DETACH!!" is a way of DIMINISHING their FEELINGS.... something that happens every time they step out their front door.... telling another person NOT to have their pity party has everything to do with feeling UNCOMFORTABLE with where they're at..... I'm personally UNCOMFORTABLE every time I see a pregnant woman..... I silently say to myself "So glad that's not me...." REALLY!!! ;D I LOVED having babies, but....I don't want to GO BACK, LOL!!
Anyway... this is not a BOOT CAMP to "shape up" the LBS... it should feel more like a nice snuggly blanket to cuddle up with..... trust that they CAN get to a stronger place without a drill sargeant yelling in their ear...
My favorite 2x4 happens to be OP's "no expectations" ;)
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I was in the midst of H's MLC for some time before I realised what he was going through.
So the things that helped me were being told that it wasn't what I did or didn't do in the marriage that caused him to leave. To not take it personally and that it was his crisis. Knowing this lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.
What I found stressful was being asked repeatedly what I was doing and when I was starting to get on with studies, craft etc. (by people outside the forum too). I knew I wanted to get back into my GAL activities, but I didn't appreciate being pushed into them.
When my dad passed away, my mum joined a walking group, which she is still part of 6 years later. She joined a gym and lost 20kg and she got more involved in her church groups. She has a full life but she joined all these activities in HER time. She allowed herself time to grieve and do nothing for a time aprat from the essentials.
I think newbies need space and time to adjust. A hug, a caring and supportive word. Encouragement to join activities, but in our own time and when we are ready. A little nudge helps so we don't spiral into depression by doing nothing. Small activities like a daily walk or a coffee with someone is nice to start. We don't all want to be in full GAL immediately.
My sister and my mum came and helped me sort out the mess in the bungalow (storage shed) that H had left. I appreciated that, because cleaning it up made me feel better and I had somewhere to store his belongings. What I appreciated is that my sister took charge in organising and mum and I just did the manual work at her guidance. She asked where I wanted things and what could be thrown out but I didn't have to think too much. It was nice to have them along side me while I was still in shock and could not do it on my own.
GAL so soon on your own is tough.
I hope my personal feedback helps.
SP
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Hi sync i was thinking maybe we could have a box under our name with the length of time we’ve been here.......i say this because when the newbies join they may feel more at ease posting with someone on the same/similar time line as them .........ive seen it on here when we read other threads and when we mention certain things happening at a certain time either before/after BD others will say that’s interesting, my BD was around the same time as yours and my h is doing or as done that......many can relate to their feelings with someone at a similar stage.............not saying those LBSers who’ve been here longer cant post.......but i know when i came here i was reading and posting with those with similar time frames .........and there’s a lot more using this site this is my suggestion.....i know they can look in your profile but i didn’t know how to navigate the thread page never mind look at someone’s profile when i came here lol xxx xxxxxxxxxxx
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I think we need to pay more attention to each others. There are people saying that they will be living because they get no reply to what they say. People that are in the middle of hard pain and with tuff stuff between theirs hands.
We have to get a way of ckecking on each others, including the ones who have been here for long but have been away for a while.
There has been a lot of hot emotions and sadness here in the last few days.
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When I first came on this site, well over a year ago, the first thing that I was told was to GAL. My first thought to that was - HOW? I was devastated when my H finally left - a puddle on the floor. If it wasn't for the people on this site telling me to GAL, 'fake it till you make it', I would have stayed in that pit for a lot longer. I never felt bombarded by advice. I took what I needed and left the rest.
I had pity parties - and NO ONE ever told me to NOT have a pity party (some even joined me :) ). BUT, they did say, have the pity party then pick yourself up and move on. What's wrong with that?
I am thankful that OP posted for me to GAL and start detaching in the beginning. That was KEY in my recovering from BD. BUT, that is just me....
I am in a good place of indifference towards my H. :)
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AnneJ..I think that what you say is very true..some people get more replies than others.....and I always found that those replies helped me a great deal..I'm not sure how to make sure that everyone gets some recognition..I think the mentoring solves some of that.
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Some people say that the men on here are possibly stronger than the ladies. Well I can tell you in the first six to eight months I was on the verge of insanity. But someone I read said 'This too will pass'.
I could not imagine how it would ever pass. But eventually my brain stopped whirling (I have a technique for stopping that) and I started looking for these Forum sites and I have to say they are a life saver.
Women talk to each other, but men don't. That is the plain truth.
Of all the people I have had help from with this issue it has only been ladies. This suits me great, but I think men are told they have to be tough and they don't know how to handle these things.
This forum is invaluable for men to see and feel other peoples ideas and emotions. So keep going and don't anybody think of giving up because you all contribute so much to others, even if you don't realise it. There are many skimmers who probably never contribute, you can see the statistics on each subject. Thank you all for supporting me, maybe without realising.
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I find people on this site very caring and understanding. There is always someone who will listen to you, like a virtue hug. I do also appreciate the occasional 2 x 4's. Had I not found this site, I don't think I would have come as far as I have done.
SKxxx
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For me this site has been such a blessing. I had joined another forum before this and found the people in general to be more angry and less willing to stand for their marriages. For me I found a haven here and are thankful to all of you who welcomed me with open hearts.
What I miss is getting together in a physical sense. I know there are meet ups arranged every now and then but I was wondering if there would be a way to incorporate a map on the site so that we could see if there were other LBS's that we were close to and could perhaps organise get-togethers that don't involve the costs of hotels and flights etc because many of us are not financially able. This is just a thought :)
Great place, great people :-*
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I'll add my .02 for what it is worth.....
when I found this site it was truly a God send. I like many others had found other sites, but they all seemed to be focused on the fact that you found out about the affair now you need to do XYZ to move on. Forget about your spouse. The difference here is from the very beginning I was made to feel welcome and that I didn't have to forget about my spouse. I learned so much in the early days about MLC ands what it is and what it does to both of the parties that I learned compassion and empathy.
RCR has done an incredible job of creating a place where everyone, no matter where you are in your journey has something to learn. There is always someone at any given time going through the "same thing you are" that it is comforting.
Just like in the real world, there are those that are stronger and can deal with the crisis much easier in the beginning. And then there are those like me, that almost one year in to this am still feeling the raw emotions as if it happened yesterday. I come here because unlike in my real life, people understand. It's ok after a year to still feel what I am feeling. No timelines, as it is different for all of us.
GALing and standing seem to be the words that cause the most confusion. I've been told to GAL.. we all have. But what that means to each person is based on who they are inside. I am not one to go out a lot, and to think I have to change and become this person that I am really not is uncomfortable to me. Now having said that, I don't just sit home and have a pity party every day But to me GALing means living each day in the best way possible. The first few months I was here, I don't recall it being said to me. I'll have to look back at my posts. But I can tell you in the first few months all I could do was get out of bed, go to work, take care of my kids and my house. In a way I WAS GALing, just not in the way that others may think of when they hear this term.
Standing is for me. It took me so long to understand that concept. I am standing for my marriage. That won't change. But I am now standing to find me. It's hard because while doing this, I have had to examine some deep issues within myself. Standing has given me time to find out who and what I am. So, if we look at standing that way, it still applies to those that have had to go through a divorce. Those individuals have as much to add as anyone else does. I find their posts as another lesson for me to learn from and to grow in my own journey. Additionally those that decide not to stand, are not weaker, inferior or less than any of us. They are human! And only we know how much we can personally take. They need our kindness and compassion and support as well.
I've been given 2X4's but it was at a time when I needed it. And it was usually followed by some good advice from someone who has done what I just did and understood and wanted to make me feel better. I have never take offense at anything anyone has said to me.
I use the site to journal. And when I do so, it's because this is a safe place for me to vent my feelings and say what is exactly on my mind at that time. There have been many times while journaling my thoughts are all over the place. And people have respected that. Most often I get support just for being honest and sharing my thoughts.
There are no right or wrongs in this. I think we need to remember that. Love each other, Love your Spouses and Love yourselves. The Unconditionals apply to everyone. RCR's mission statement and I couldn't have said it better myself.
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I worked for the state of Wisconsin, doing welfare reform in the 90's, in the years leading up to, and then for the implementation of TANF. To say it was stressful would be an understatement. Deadlines were always "last week," and the only guarantees were uncertainty and change. I am also a trained team facilitator and have worked for years with a team of PhD psychologists helping organizations imrove morale and general operations. Similar to my WI experience, we are all here under unbelievable circumstances, and we operate as a team to move each of us to a better place, so I feel like some of the things I use at work apply.
The first rule we had in WI was ASSUME GOOD INTENTIONS. People do and say what they do here because 1) they are trying their best to make it through the day, or 2) they are trying their best to help others make it through the day. No one is here because they want to win at anyone else's expense, or to see anyone trip and fall. If that were the case, it would become readily apparent, pretty quickly.
The second was OPEN COMMUNICATION. We learned really quickly that hiding issues and problems only leads to major blow-ups later and that as long as we were open and honest, issues were part of the system and not personal. If someone says something here that bothers you, say so. But also, realize that different people need different things at different times, stuff gets dealt with when it's possible and not before, and not everyone can prioritze the same way, but get it all out on the table, then problems don't fester.
And finally, when someone questions you, kindly and openly, realize we are all pretty broken people and PROJECTION IS RAMPANT. Do I act and question, accuse or react on the basis of my own insecurities and shame--you betcha', every single day, and so does everyone else. When someone who you know HAS GOOD INTENTIONS causes your hackles to go up, it is because that person has touched something in you that causes you fear or shame or anxiety. So when that happens we need to look within ourselves and try to determine the origin. This applies to feelings as well as responsibilities, so it's important in every aspect of our lives. Why do I care that Sally doesn't do her work? Why do I care that my H seems not to care about me?
I have been questioned over and over about my lack of a stand and it gets easier all the time, but sometimes I can still feel my shield go up. What are the deep dark things I hide that cause me not to be brave enough to stand--facing the failure of rejection again, the shame of people feeling sorry for me, the weight of the possible hurt to my kids, missing something else and wasting time, growing old alone and poor and unloved. And I balance that with what it would take to stand--sacrificing myself again, trusting someone who hurt me so deeply... It's all messy and scary and ugly, and here in our virtual room we have all these scared and messy people working through ugly stuff, so PROJECTION IS RAMPANT.
I encourage everyone to visit Byron Katie and do the work. "Judge your neighbor, write it down. Ask four questions, turn it around." http://thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf
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That was something I wanted to comment on on the other thread but it was locked before I got the chance. I like comments and advice on my thread but don't often get it anymore. I realize that people think that one year post bomb drop LBSers should be further along but some of us are not.
I too have been told to go NC, GAL, and don't worry about him or what he is doing but I can't totally do that. I do GAL some but the other is next to impossible especially when he is in my face and my bed everyday.
Also, I feel like a great many on this forum have formed RL friendships with one another and that is great. However, some of us live so far away that is not possible. At times, I feel that those with RL friendships only(or alot) comment on each others threads and the rest of us can feel left out. I realize that no one should expect a response all of the time but it does seem that the responses have slowed down. Or, maybe it has just happened to my thread.
Sorry for the hijack Syn. I hope your husband does come back and soon. I will pray for your Mom and this round of chemo and that she doesn't get sick.
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That was something I wanted to comment on on the other thread but it was locked before I got the chance. I like comments and advice on my thread but don't often get it anymore. I realize that people think that one year post bomb drop LBSers should be further along but some of us are not.
I too have been told to go NC, GAL, and don't worry about him or what he is doing but I can't totally do that. I do GAL some but the other is next to impossible especially when he is in my face and my bed everyday.
Also, I feel like a great many on this forum have formed RL friendships with one another and that is great. However, some of us live so far away that is not possible. At times, I feel that those with RL friendships only(or alot) comment on each others threads and the rest of us can feel left out. I realize that no one should expect a response all of the time but it does seem that the responses have slowed down. Or, maybe it has just happened to my thread.
Sorry for the hijack Syn. I hope your husband does come back and soon. I will pray for your Mom and this round of chemo and that she doesn't get sick.
Now that I moved this post over here I want to respond to this issue.
I wrote out some thing and RCR has this info on the forum information board.
Please read this post as it gives you some ideas on how to get more people to post on your thread.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/forum-information/how-do-i-get-people-to-post-on-my-thread/
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I think that one of the things that helps us on this site is that it really is something we can control our access to... when our lives take the hit that BD and the ensuing disaster zone bring, there is very little that we feel we can control.
I know that going to the therapist in the early days was torture, because she seemed to be 'forcing' me to GAL and accept that my marriage was over,demanding that I change my mindset and relished in opening my eyes to the fact that my h. was most probably having an affair (she was right ::)) - she was pushing far too hard.
Here I felt safer, at least I didn't have to come on here if I didn't want to and nobody was pushing me to do anything - all I wanted at the time was somebody to cuddle me and tell me it would go away and although I didn't get that, I got a lot more compassion than in RL! I got gentle nudges in the right direction, I got soft 2x4s, and I got a lot of virtual hugs that do make their way over the miles - I am a lot further away geographically than most of you are from each other.
The fact that all you were telling me that h. was in the grips of this terrible thing called MLC was a life saver to me - all of a sudden, it began to make a lot more sense. That helps too.
Now, I spend too much time on here, lol! Simply because I feel safe here :)
But, as the recent events on the forum have shown us - we are also badly hurting and as wounded animals we do lash out at each other and can inflict pain, so we need to remember to show compassion to each other too!
JMHO
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Okay, I"m back from vacation...I think. ???
I just wrote and posted a new blog piece: Advice for Advising. (http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=534) The 2nd part will come out tomorrow.
I have read this thread--I was able to read for a few minutes at a computer in the Motel lobby, but apparently it was a proxy and I could not login.
I would like to read this and the similar thread LisaLives started and hopefully comment or at least write a blog post about Detachment and No Contact like I said I would do. So I want to read these threads to write that post--or posts.
I also have 3 (YAY!) coaching requests and I've barely started the first. But after the Summer slump things are picking up.
This issue about the board attitude seems to come up every few months. The first time it came up seriously I added more moderators to give OldPilot some much needed relief, then we started the mentor program. It came up briefly last month and the next idea is to start some guided discussions--these got stalled with all of the board issues and so I want to get that back on track.
There is also a thread on the Moderator's board that became quite active while I was gone and I want to integrate responses to that into a public response. I don't know if a response will be something specifically on the blog geared toward Detachment or something broader for here. It just depends on if my Detachment post covers the other stuff or not!