[Anjae]

I think we need to pay more attention to each others. There are people saying that they will be living because they get no reply to what they say. People that are in the middle of hard pain and with tuff stuff between theirs hands.

We have to get a way of ckecking on each others, including the ones who have been here for long but have been away for a while.

There has been a lot of hot emotions and sadness here in the last few days.

[ForeverHopefulOne]

When I first came on this site, well over a year ago, the first thing that I was told was to GAL.  My first thought to that was - HOW?  I was devastated when my H finally left - a puddle on the floor.  If it wasn't for the people on this site telling me to GAL, 'fake it till you make it', I would have stayed in that pit for a lot longer.  I never felt bombarded by advice.  I took what I needed and left the rest.

I had pity parties - and NO ONE ever told me to NOT have a pity party (some even joined me ).  BUT, they did say, have the pity party then pick yourself up and move on.  What's wrong with that?

I am thankful that OP posted for me to GAL and start detaching in the beginning.  That was KEY in my recovering from BD.  BUT, that is just me....

I am in a good place of indifference towards my H. 

[xyzcf]

AnneJ..I think that what you say is very true..some people get more replies than others.....and I always found that those replies helped me a great deal..I'm not sure how to make sure that everyone gets some recognition..I think the mentoring solves some of that.

[Freddygone]

Some people say that the men on here are possibly stronger than the ladies. Well I can tell you in the first six to eight months I was on the verge of insanity. But someone I read said 'This too will pass'.
I could not imagine how it would ever pass. But eventually my brain stopped whirling (I have a technique for stopping that) and I started looking for these Forum sites and I have to say they are a life saver.
Women talk to each other, but men don't. That is the plain truth.
Of all the people I have had help from with this issue it has only been ladies. This suits me great, but I think men are told they have to be tough and they don't know how to handle these things.
This forum is invaluable for men to see and feel other peoples ideas and emotions. So keep going and don't anybody think of giving up because you all contribute so much to others, even if you don't realise it. There are many skimmers who probably never contribute, you can see the statistics on each subject. Thank you all for supporting me, maybe without realising.

[SpecialK]

I find people on this site very caring and understanding.  There is always someone who will listen to you, like a virtue hug.  I do also appreciate the occasional 2 x 4's.   Had I not found this site, I don't think I would have come as far as I have done.

SKxxx

[Dandy Lion]

For me this site has been such a blessing.  I had joined another forum before this and found the people in general to be more angry and less willing to stand for their marriages.  For me I found a haven here and are thankful to all of you who welcomed me with open hearts.

What I miss is getting together in a physical sense.  I know there are meet ups arranged every now and then but I was wondering if there would be a way to incorporate a map on the site so that we could see if there were other LBS's that we were close to and could perhaps organise get-togethers that don't involve the costs of hotels and flights etc because many of us are not financially able.  This is just a thought

Great place, great people

[growing every day]

I'll add my .02 for what it is worth.....

when I found this site it was truly a God send. I like many others had found other sites, but they all seemed to be focused on the fact that you found out about the affair now you need to do XYZ to move on. Forget about your spouse. The difference here is from the very beginning I was made to feel welcome and that I didn't have to forget about my spouse. I learned so much in the early days about MLC ands what it is and what it does to both of the parties that I learned compassion and empathy.

RCR has done an incredible job of creating a place where everyone, no matter where you are in your journey has something to learn. There is always someone at any given time going through the "same thing you are" that it is comforting.

Just like in the real world, there are those that are stronger and can deal with the crisis much easier in the beginning. And then there are those like me, that almost one year in to this am still feeling the raw emotions as if it happened yesterday. I come here because unlike in my real life, people understand. It's ok after a year to still feel what I am feeling. No timelines, as it is different for all of us.

GALing and standing seem to be the words that cause the most confusion. I've been told to GAL.. we all have. But what that means to each person is based on who they are inside. I am not one to go out a lot, and to think I have to change and become this person that I am really not is uncomfortable to me. Now having said that, I don't just sit home and have a pity party every day But to me GALing means living each day in the best way possible. The first few months I was here, I don't recall it being said to me. I'll have to look back at my posts. But I can tell you in the first few months all I could do was get out of bed, go to work, take care of my kids and my house. In a way I WAS GALing, just not in the way that others may think of when they hear this term.

Standing is for me. It took me so long to understand that concept. I am standing for my marriage. That won't change. But I am now standing to find me. It's hard because while doing this, I have had to examine some deep issues within myself. Standing has given me time to find out who and what I am.  So, if we look at standing that way, it still applies to those that have had to go through a divorce. Those individuals have as much to add as anyone else does. I find their posts as another lesson for me to learn from and to grow in my own journey. Additionally those that decide not to stand, are not weaker, inferior or less than any of us. They are human! And only we know how much we can personally take. They need our kindness and compassion and support as well.

I've been given 2X4's but it was at a time when I needed it. And it was usually followed by some good advice from someone who has done what I just did and understood and wanted to make me feel better. I have never take offense at anything anyone has said to me.

I use the site to journal. And when I do so, it's because this is a safe place for me to vent my feelings and say what is exactly on my mind at that time. There have been many times while journaling my thoughts are all over the place. And people have respected that. Most often I get support just for being honest and sharing my thoughts.

There are no right or wrongs in this. I think we need to remember that. Love each other, Love your Spouses and Love yourselves. The Unconditionals apply to everyone. RCR's mission statement and I couldn't have said it better myself.

[LisaLives]

I worked for the state of Wisconsin, doing welfare reform in the 90's, in the years leading up to, and then for the implementation of TANF.  To say it was stressful would be an understatement.  Deadlines were always "last week," and the only guarantees were uncertainty and change.  I am also a trained team facilitator and have worked for years with a team of PhD psychologists helping organizations imrove morale and general operations.  Similar to my WI experience, we are all here under unbelievable circumstances, and we operate as a team to move each of us to a better place, so I feel like some of the things I use at work apply. 

The first rule we had in WI was ASSUME GOOD INTENTIONS.  People do and say what they do here because 1) they are trying their best to make it through the day, or 2) they are trying their best to help others make it through the day.  No one is here because they want to win at anyone else's expense, or to see anyone trip and fall.  If that were the case, it would become readily apparent, pretty quickly. 

The second was OPEN COMMUNICATION.  We learned really quickly that hiding issues and problems only leads to major blow-ups later and that as long as we were open and honest, issues were part of the system and not personal.  If someone says something here that bothers you, say so.  But also, realize that different people need different things at different times, stuff gets dealt with when it's possible and not before, and not everyone can prioritze the same way, but get it all out on the table, then problems don't fester. 

And finally, when someone questions you, kindly and openly, realize we are all pretty broken people and PROJECTION IS RAMPANT.  Do I act and question, accuse or react on the basis of my own insecurities and shame--you betcha', every single day, and so does everyone else.  When someone who you know HAS GOOD INTENTIONS causes your hackles to go up, it is because that person has touched something in you that causes you fear or shame or anxiety.  So when that happens we need to look within ourselves and try to determine the origin.  This applies to feelings as well as responsibilities, so it's important in every aspect of our lives.  Why do I care that Sally doesn't do her work?  Why do I care that my H seems not to care about me?   

I have been questioned over and over about my lack of a stand and it gets easier all the time, but sometimes I can still feel my shield go up.  What are the deep dark things I hide that cause me not to be brave enough to stand--facing the failure of rejection again, the shame of people feeling sorry for me, the weight of the possible hurt to my kids, missing something else and wasting time, growing old alone and poor and unloved.  And I balance that with what it would take to stand--sacrificing myself again, trusting someone who hurt me so deeply...  It's all messy and scary and ugly, and here in our virtual room we have all these scared and messy people working through ugly stuff, so PROJECTION IS RAMPANT. 

I encourage everyone to visit Byron Katie and do the work.  "Judge your neighbor, write it down.  Ask four questions, turn it around."  http://thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf   

[tinydancer]

That was something I wanted to comment on on the other thread but it was locked before I got the chance.  I like comments and advice on my thread but don't often get it anymore.  I realize that people think that one year post bomb drop LBSers should be further along but some of us are not. 

I too have been told to go NC, GAL, and don't worry about him or what he is doing but I can't totally do that.  I do GAL some but the other is next to impossible especially when he is in my face and my bed everyday.

Also, I feel like a great many on this forum have formed RL friendships with one another and that is great.  However, some of us live so far away that is not possible.  At times, I feel that those with RL friendships only(or alot) comment on each others threads and the rest of us can feel left out.  I realize that no one should expect a response all of the time but it does seem that the responses have slowed down.  Or, maybe it has just happened to my thread.

Sorry for the hijack Syn.  I hope your husband does come back and soon.  I will pray for your Mom and this round of chemo and that she doesn't get sick. 

[OldPilot]

That was something I wanted to comment on on the other thread but it was locked before I got the chance.  I like comments and advice on my thread but don't often get it anymore.  I realize that people think that one year post bomb drop LBSers should be further along but some of us are not. 

I too have been told to go NC, GAL, and don't worry about him or what he is doing but I can't totally do that.  I do GAL some but the other is next to impossible especially when he is in my face and my bed everyday.

Also, I feel like a great many on this forum have formed RL friendships with one another and that is great.  However, some of us live so far away that is not possible.  At times, I feel that those with RL friendships only(or alot) comment on each others threads and the rest of us can feel left out.  I realize that no one should expect a response all of the time but it does seem that the responses have slowed down.  Or, maybe it has just happened to my thread.

Sorry for the hijack Syn.  I hope your husband does come back and soon.  I will pray for your Mom and this round of chemo and that she doesn't get sick.

Now that I moved this post over here I want to respond to this issue.

I wrote out some thing and RCR has this info on the forum information board.
Please read this post as it gives you some ideas on how to get more people to post on your thread.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/forum-information/how-do-i-get-people-to-post-on-my-thread/