[Synicca]

xyz- I really think it depends on the LBSer...to beable to "feel" around with what and how they are feeling should determine
how to go forth in advice...not it being the first comment to a newbie, thats all...get to KNOW the person first before you lay it
out for them....thats what I think, because everyone is different. someone may not beable to handle one thing but someone else
can...make sense??

[xyzcf]

That's the problem Synicca..we don't know that person at all...we don't know their past history, what mental health issues they are dealing with..and there is a danger here that inadvertently we can say something that could be damaging. We also do not know if they are in an abusive realtionship or in any other type of danger.

I was so desperate for knowledge, I read everything I could. Goggled MLC hundreds of times before finding this site and obsessed with wanting to know what could I do to get him to come back?

I could not do anything...I could only try and get out of bed each day.

I see that when Newbies come on, there is so much support for them, so many people welcome them, express things to them...at first, the trust isn't there but with time..we gravitate to people who are more like minded...that is true in all relationships.

In my personality type, I want to know the good, the bad and the ugly immediately..there is something else nagging at me....perhaps it is coming from the nurse inside me...whereby sometimes the hurt has to happen...in an emergency situation, the IV's have to be started, the blood work has to be done, the clothes cut open...there is no softening the blow in telling parents that their child has cancer..there is no time to wait to start chemotherapy, even though the family is already in shock.

Possibly that is why I am more inclined to vocalize what MUST happen for us to survive..for we all know how there are times when our very survival is at risk.

This is not a crisis hotline..we cannot fix other LBSers either...I like your caring Synicca and I think that even the most highly educated expert therapists would disagreed as well on how is the right way to proceed.

[Synicca]

I realise that everyone does the best they can....Thats all we can ever do in life...

This thread, really is for suggestions...see how everyone feels...see if some areas can be tweeked out a little..

[Finding Hope]

Syn,
I'm so happy about this topic. I think of myself as a newbie, only into this for 6 months. I actually stopped going on the site because sometimes it spooked me. I wanted to hear that my marriage wasn't hopeless. I did take some of the advise I was given, like GALing. I had stopped doing things that I enjoyed being a wife and mother. I have also through this site actually met some great people. It is nice to put a face to the names. Makes it more personal. I filter what I think that I'm capable of doing right now. I just have found out because of this MLC thing, who I am. I have been going to counseling. I actually like me now. It it wasn't for some of the advise here I don't think that I would have done much more than sit around begging and pleading. That was very helpful advise. I knew that it wasn't getting me anywhere. I guess I just needed that 2 x 4. The distancing, well that's something else. I do give him space, and I stopped the snooping, I don't ask questions. The advise don't ask if you don't want to hear, something you know but again the 2 X 4. And then there's the OW. If I hadn't found this site early on I probably would have killed any chance of my marriage working out if I had done what I first thought about doing. I didn't give her the power. Boundries, well that's something hard to understand when your new to this. I have never had boundried in my marriage I was there to do everything for everyone, or so I thought. In my head I understand how they help, just hard to apply. I think that once you understand about MLC, more of these things make sense. I think that I came here just so I wouldn't feel alone. At first the advise was OVERWHELMING, honestly some I could process, some are still bouncing around in my head. I think that when you first come here all you want to know is WHY. Why would he do this to me, is this MLC, can it be worked on, is there hope. I came here for hope. At first not to walk away from my husband but to FIX IT.

[Hopenoexpectation]

Interesting this question. I just want to remind what was so helpful for me when I discovered the site. First, I was amazed by people welcoming me, syaing you aren't alone. And special words relieved me, it was the first time in months I could be relieved ( for a few minutes). It was: "day after day, step by step". I dicovered I could be relieved by very tiny things. I read read and reread many times the phrase " Believe nothing he says, half what he does". A wonderful thing was " Dont talk to family and relatives, they wont understand". I rushed after work on the site only to "be" with persons like me , saying " you aren't crazy".

It was very further when I was able to read about " detachment", but with time, even while thinking to him every minut, I could feel in love and detached, I mean in peace inside, believing my love was a warm stuff inside me, and nobody could take it to me. I read and reread about OW: "she is a bandaid", "let their titanic sink itself".


Oh , 21 months after BD, I have progressed, and so graceful. Hugs, Hope (with my approximative english, sorry)

[Thundarr]

..we don't know that person at all...we don't know their past history, what mental health issues they are dealing with..and there is a danger here that inadvertently we can say something that could be damaging. We also do not know if they are in an abusive realtionship or in any other type of danger.

X is exactly right.  As a newbie myself (or am I finally a former newbie?), I came to this site after having hit a couple of other sites with results ranging from good to downright depressing.  Here I found hope and understanding as well as empathy and reassurance that I was not a bad person and not at fault for what was happening.  I also found empathy for my W from HB, Syn, FTT and others here.  That brought me through the dark times.  I came here very much in love with my W and desperately trying to figure out why this was happening and why none of it made sense.  I didn't want to believe that I was this person with all these faults that would make my W not only leave me but shut the door without even trying to work on it.  I have to say my self esteem and ego were about the lowest they have ever been.  If it weren't for this site and LifeTwo I probably would have done something really stupid.

Looking back, I cannot believe how far I've come in the past 4 months (nor can I believe it has been 4 months!).  I hae to say that what was most helpful to me in the early days (I got here 6 weeks after BD) was jus the caring ears and sympathetic responses.  I received so many PM's comforting me and letting me know everything was going to be ok.  I had several give me their personal phone numbers to call, and have called many but still have many calls to make.  It was that sense of community that made those days bearable for me.  It wasn't until after I got past the initial shock and pain that I was able to start learning more about this and listening to those who were giving advice.  Had I found my way here before DB then I might have been quicker to be receptive, but I admit I was skeptical at first and that made me a bit apprehensive.

In short, I think the newbies just need to be told that they are not crazy and that they are not to blame.  I think Stayed set a perfect example by reiterating on LonelyandScared's post about how she was not to blame.  I know she came here believing she was, so this was such a necessary message for her to hear at this time.  How could she have begun to grasp what was going on if she were still blaming herself?  There will be time later for getting her Ph.D in MLC, but in the early days we all just needed a shoulder to cry on that did not villify our spouses.  I did not come here to have my W bashed, and if anyone is going to do it I want it to be me.  Feel free to agree with me when I do, though.  LOL.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

We also need to realize it is okay to be angry, okay to grieve, and it is okay to realize that all of us make mistakes and that it is not going to be perfect. There are going to be bombs and sometimes it gets really messy regardless of how far along the process you may find yourself. There is nothing wrong with any of this because it is all part of the process.

I also realize that I am very sensitive at times and that my own feelings and frustrations can easily spill over onto a fellow LBSer's thread. I always remind myself that there is a real person on the other side. A person that is hurting just as much as me.

Sometimes I feel just as helpless as anyone else on the forum. It is like watching a car accident about to happen. You see it coming but there is nothing you can do. I try to offer my encouragement but sometimes my words seem so fake and I wonder, do I really make a difference?

Personally, the forum has always been very kind. There are many loving and caring people out there and I thank God that I found this place. I just wish that we had a few more success stories to hang our hats on.

[LettingGo]

Ready, you will see some success stories... but you are going to see waaaaay more divorce stories. As you know, MLCers often will divorce their LBS against their will.... but, standing is hard and most people won't make it.... ALthough I've described it before as being like "Survivor: Outwit, Outlast, Outplay", people do fall by the wayside..... it's HARD, and sometimes people NEED to stand down in order to learn a tough lesson....

I personally get a LOT of contact with my MLCer... he's trying to come home, and has been since last November.... the timeline is excruciatingly long.... but I get to SEE movement... we're now at a point where he will answer questions!! A MIRACLE!! You've got a low energy type.... she brought her black cloud of depression home with her.... it's is like living with someone dying of a disease.... you can't throw them out!! They're SICK!! But, SECRETLY, you wish they would disappear for awhile.... it's just, plain HARD!!

My two cents on why not to bombard NEWBIES with admonishments to GAL and DETACH.... the first six months you are shell shocked and can barely get out of bed.... "gentle 2x4's" for not DOING MORE is pretty cruel, in my book... it's all most can do to get out of bed and brush their teeth and go to work and take care of their kids for a while...

I feel that telling them "Oh, chin up!! GAL!! DETACH!!" is a way of DIMINISHING their FEELINGS.... something that happens every time they step out their front door.... telling another person NOT to have their pity party has everything to do with feeling UNCOMFORTABLE with where they're at..... I'm personally UNCOMFORTABLE every time I see a pregnant woman..... I silently say to myself "So glad that's not me...." REALLY!!! I LOVED having babies, but....I don't want to GO BACK, LOL!!

Anyway... this is not a BOOT CAMP to "shape up" the LBS... it should feel more like a nice snuggly blanket to cuddle up with..... trust that they CAN get to a stronger place without a drill sargeant  yelling in their ear...

My favorite 2x4 happens to be OP's "no expectations" 

[Stillpraying]

I was in the midst of H's MLC for some time before I realised what he was going through.
So the things that helped me were being told that it wasn't what I did or didn't do in the marriage that caused him to leave.  To not take it personally and that it was his crisis.  Knowing this lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.

What I found stressful was being asked repeatedly what I was doing and when I was starting to get on with studies, craft etc.  (by people outside the forum too).  I knew I wanted to get back into my GAL activities, but I didn't appreciate being pushed into them.
When my dad passed away, my mum joined a walking group, which she is still part of 6 years later.  She joined a gym and lost 20kg and she got more involved in her church groups.  She has a full life but she joined all these activities in HER time. She allowed herself time to grieve and do nothing for a time aprat from the essentials.

I think newbies need space and time to adjust.  A hug, a caring and supportive word.  Encouragement to join activities, but in our own time and when we are ready.  A little nudge helps so we don't spiral into depression by doing nothing.  Small activities like a daily walk or a coffee with someone is nice to start.  We don't all want to be in full GAL immediately.

My sister and my mum came and helped me sort out the mess in the bungalow (storage shed) that H had left.  I appreciated that, because cleaning it up made me feel better and I had somewhere to store his belongings.  What I appreciated is that my sister took charge in organising and mum and I just did the manual work at her guidance.  She asked where I wanted things and what could be thrown out but I didn't have to think too much.  It was nice to have them along side me while I was still in shock and could not do it on my own. 

GAL so soon on your own is tough.

I hope my personal feedback helps.
SP

[With Gods Help!]

Hi sync i was thinking maybe we could have a box under our name with the length of time we’ve been here.......i say this because when the newbies join they may feel more at ease posting with someone on the same/similar time line as them .........ive seen it on here when we read other threads and when we mention certain things happening at a certain time either before/after BD others will say that’s interesting, my BD was around the same time as yours and my h is doing or as done that......many can relate to their feelings with someone at a similar stage.............not saying those LBSers  who’ve been here longer cant post.......but i know when i came here i was reading and posting with those with similar time frames .........and there’s a lot more using this site this is my suggestion.....i know they can look in your profile but i didn’t know how to navigate the thread page never mind look at someone’s profile when i came here lol xxx xxxxxxxxxxx