Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Still on July 09, 2010, 04:14:29 PM
-
My MLC'er witheld all affection pretty much the day of the speech. Many of you seem to continue to receive affection. I am just curious if it is as unbalanced as it seems.
-
I have received no affection (no physical touch, kissing, nothing) since bomb drop.
-
Don't,
I do wonder if that is more common and it just seems like we are in the minority.
-
I think it has to do more with the type of MLC your spouse is in.
I forgot what RCR terms it but higher amount of antics and lower amount of antics.
Still,DGU and my wife are all in the low portion and there is less affection that goes with it..
More than likely lower testosterone levels. Just a guess on my part.
Someone help me out with RCR's term for it.
-
Husband had already been conveniently gone for work for several weeks when I coaxed the bomb drop out of him. He just simply stayed gone. At one point he came home to see the kids and took me out for cocktails (he stayed at a hotel) where he realized how attracted he still was to me and the 180 I did nearly spun his head around! Since then, he cannot keep his hands off of me when we see each other. It has been confusing for him. As long as I am in his presence, he shows affection but always asks if it is ok with me. Also, lot's of "I will always love you, etc." texts.
-
Well, it has only been a week since we were in the MC's office and he said it was definately over. We had made love the night before mind you. After the session, he took me out to dinner held my hand when I cried. And all this week, if I cry he is right there. But no holding hands, no brushing up against me, etc. Until Wednesday night he came home and was extremely affectionate in bed, but I kept saying no, we both will regret this in the morning.... he agreed, then after 3 hours of him not leaving me alone, we made love/had sex again. And yes I am still kicking myself. Not sure which would be worse, because the affection is certainly sending a mixed message even though his words are still " I am sure this is over". As our therapist said, the mixed messages are just cruel.
I don't know if this is any help, since this is all new for me too. But this has been my week, which I am going to be asking some questions as well in my thread.
Good luck to you.
-
During those times he was living at home, yes. That is until I discovered the A picked back up or was ongoing.
-
Hello. My H quit touching me Jan 2009. That is last time we were intimate. I have had maybe 3 hugs since then. This happened about I month prior to bomb-drop.
Sideways
-
No -- well, he still was for the day of BD and the day after, but since then it's been the odd peck on the cheek (like you would to any friend) and perhaps 2 hugs -- and that's in 3 years....
Along the way, depending on what state he was in, he has been willing to walk arm in arm (but it's been me taking his arm) a couple of times; I think we've held hands once.... And that's only been when he has been very down.
And he used to be the most affectionate person on the planet, honest, literally right up until BD. That was something we both used to love and value, openly saying so frequently.
He's still affectionate with the children.
-
Sideways,
My speech was January 09, too. He stopped being affectionate afterwards. He was still telling me "love you" for a few months, but when I told him it confused me, he never said it again.
T&L,
My H is still affectionate with the children (probably more so than he used to be).
-
Bomb drop was in Feb. 2009, H moved out. Most of the time he refused to even be alone with me. H went on AD's in Sept., in Oct. H hugged me for the first time. Then in true MLC fashion, he told me a couple of weeks later that it was a mistake to hug me. Funny part is that he kept hugging me every time he left the house even after he went off AD's. On New Years Eve evening I asked him for a kiss and he obliged. However, for a few weeks after that I had to endure a lot of spewing. As to current date H hugs me at least 2-3 times every time he leaves. Forgot to mention that H comes to the house every day before work (he works nights) to see the boys. Really funny part is that if I am not home H doesn't come over...hmmm. The other thing I have noticed is that H will end almost all emails to kids, other family, etc. with love you. No "love you" for me, of course. The other strange thing is the H tells his friends & family that he only comes over to see the boys and yet he spends all of his time at the house with me. I even tried a little experiment a few weeks ago. I went into the family room when H got here, to give him time with the boys. Guess who followed me into the family room? Yeah, that's right, H did. His actions completely contradict his words. Most of the time I feel as though he is living two separate lives.
-
After the bomb was dropped, it has been like the air has been let out of a tire. All contact went from hugs and kisses to none at all. Little to no affection at all. I am used to it now. She still hugs the girls and has actually picked up on showing them affection which is good. I prefer this because when you get some affection and then cold, it really confuses you and hurts like a scab being pulled to open the wound all over again. I leave her be and work on the girls and myself.
-
My H started being more affectionate after BD. It marked the end of a period of withdrawal and the beginning of cycling/ OW. Since we announed to family that we are separated, and he's been in the spare room, he has been through stages of more then less affection. He thinks that too much affection and sex gives me too much hope, and he isn't sure how he feels.
I know it's a dangerous game, but sex/ affection both stimulate his hormones/ connection/ interest in me, and gives me some comfort. It's dangerous because it's harder to disconnect (but for him as well as me....)
-
My husband was weirrd with this one. The affection and friendship started to slip away prior to bomb drop and then got worse and worse up until bomb drop. Sex was actually better, which I can understand why now after reading a book titled (Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel IT"S EXCELLENT) Anyway about three weeks after affair ended he was depressed and then returned to the person I recognized for a couple months in FAll of '09. He was exhibiting cycling, monster and replay (mostly by going out and finding a new group of friends or just being very obsessed with youth as well as the children showing up. I was recieving affection, some friendship and sexual intimacy during this time. It felt like he was coming home and when he was affectionate it was very geniune, more than it had been in years. This winter '09-current things got bad and in Jan '10 he withdrew all affection and sex (although that was slowly we stopped having sex in April '10) took on eyes of resentment. This was all during the end of a pregnancy which was HARSH. He treated me with less respect than you would give to a stranger. OW never really disappeared which I deduced myself. I believe things got intense with them in the winter because I believe my husband suffers from SAD and combined with the crisis sets him into deep depression in the winter.
-
H has been fairly regular with hand holding/hugs/kisses. The first couple of weeks after BD one (the I want a divorce BD) he was especially so because I was an emotional wreck. After BD 2 (the OW BS), he also continued to show affection. I have learned though that when he is preparing to see her, he will withhold affection a bit and try to stay away from me a bit. It hurts me to say that I think he's saving it for her. This morning he went to his new place. I am guessing there will be a meeting with OW as she has been gone a couple of weeks and is probably back now. He did come up and hug me prior to leaving, but last night he slept in more clothes than usual and tried not to touch me.
-
SH, I am not sure I would say your H isn't as affection with you prior seeing OW because he is saving it for her. I think there is an element of guilt involved there. No matter what the reason, it sucks, I know.
-
This topic made me see how brave all of you are. I would be scared to death to reach out for affection for him now. In fact I've been nervous about it since BD. A couple of times he just looked at me and embraced me strongly and it took me by surprise and made me uncomfortable while at the same time felt like the person I knew was there. However, I knew intuitively to be weary so I would hug back and let go when he was done. I do not seek affection from him and feel that if he offers it I will go with it but it seems strange for me to do it now and I struggle with how I will ever be the initiator again. Maybe this is more related to the point were at in the crisis too.
-
SH, I am not sure I would say your H isn't as affection with you prior seeing OW because he is saving it for her. I think there is an element of guilt involved there. No matter what the reason, it sucks, I know.
True, very true. I'm remembering the morning of the day I confirmed the affair. He was meeting her that afternoon. He had dyed his hair a few days prior, was pulling out new clothes, and refused to hug me good-bye even though he was going to be gone for several days. Guilt is definitely part of it.
-
Buggy I am with you on this one. I do not iniate any physical contact with H. I am afraid of how he will respond. If he iniates a hug I gladly hug him back. Since the speach while living at home he continued to hug me. It was his way of saying I am sorry that I am hurting you but I can't help how I feel. This is for the best. We went on a weekend marriage seminar and there was plenty of hugs and quick kisses. Once he moved out - very few hugs. :(
-
I have to say, even with our small sample size, it is nice to know that my "no affection" situation isn't as unusual as I thought it was.
-
Hi Still,
I have noted that affection in my sitch has been directly proportional to intensity of contact with OW (in hindsight). Affection stopped pretty much when H started with her, for the first 18 months of their relationship, affection was of a teenage nature, or hugs would be pity or guilt hugs.
In the last couple of months over the same time frame that I have noticed a lot less contact between H and OW (phone calls and much less unexplained time), H is not nearly as "conflicted" in paying me affection, and is currently more tender and old H in nature than previously.
I would initiate a hug from H during the first 18 months perhaps every couple of months, usually after a custody type talk when I really felt like one. I would ask for a hug from a friend if I thought we may be in that zone.
-
Thanks for your input, Storm Rider.
I have never found any true evidence of an OW. I could definitely see a correlation if that were the case. I am hyper-sensitive to the possibility, simply because the majority of the MLC situations do involve an OW/OM.
-
My H moved out of the bedroom after realizing that he can't stop touching me in his sleep. He'd hug the side of the bed while falling asleep and then wind up holding me, or ML with me, in the middle of the night. Guess his subconscious was taking over and he didn't like it.
-
My H moved out of the bedroom after realizing that he can't stop touching me in his sleep. He'd hug the side of the bed while falling asleep and then wind up holding me, or ML with me, in the middle of the night. Guess his subconscious was taking over and he didn't like it.
Now that sounds like me, except I liked it!
Probably why my wife moved out of the bedroom last month
-
Yes! After BD and while still living at home over a year my husband and I continued to have sex but he was always the initiator and it pretty much only happened at night in bed during sleep. I would awaken to his advances. I never rejected him physically but never initiated either (when I knew he was in MLC). Some people thought I was nuts and it was obvious we were still have sex when I became preg during MLC (concieved one month before a scheduled tubal). I enjoyed maintaining the sexual connection with him because I felt like I recognized him during it. However, it started to feel BLAH in April when he started talking about seperation and stopped happening because he moved out of "my bed" and became severely emotional withdrawn. Maybe transferred monogamy to affair partner? Who knows? I miss it and him (the person I knew that it is). I don't feel the least bit attracted to him in his current state physically or emotionally.
-
Initially after BD there was quite a bit of affection, however since H has filed for D, there had been none, until this past weekend. He came over earlier than he was suppose to(unannounced)...I think its because he knew I was going to the movies when he was suppose to have come. Not sure if he wanted to see me or what. He asked me, "if you don't mind me asking who are you going to the movies with". That same morning he also patted me on the butt and called me baby. Also called me sweetie and honey a few times too. Hugged me 3 or 4 times and kissed me as well. I noticed he kept looking at me as well...when I asked him why he kept looking at me..he said "I just want to look at you" That same visit he also cried a couple of times while hugging me(I cried too). I know he looks at my FB pages as well, b/c he has mentioned something that he knew I had done over the weekend that was on there.
So not sure what to make of any of that....I had been very detached and doing lots of things...maybe he saw that I was GAL and actually living without him and having fun and he wanted to suck me back in...No idea, but it has not helped me. I hadn't been thinking about him much at all and now I do because of that. Keeping expectations at zero though.
-
A week before BD (February 2009) and immediately right after, my H began sleeping way on the other side of the bed while clinging to the edge. When H moved away in May 2009 and came back for a visit in June 2009. He slept on the couch for three nights and the night before he left, he slept in our bed. We ML that night but he made sure that I didn't kiss him during ML. I asked him why he wanted to sleep on the couch and he said that sleeping in our bed would convey to me that things between us were "normal" and they were not. Well, I never asked again. The affection timeline goes like this and these are the times when H has been back home for a visit also. He lives 14 hours away:
July 2009- H greets me with a hug and peck on the lips. During this visit, he sleeps on the floor in my room. Departs with just a hug.
September 2009- H greets me with a hug and peck on the lips, sleeps on the floor in my room and I initiate ML and he makes sure that I know that he did not initiate it. Departs with just a hug.
October 2009- H greets me with a hug and a peck on the lips, sleeps on the floor in my room. I initiate ML and he departs with a hug and kiss.
December 2009- H greets me with a hug and a peck on the lips, sleeps on the couch the whole visit except the night before he leaves to go home. I initiate ML for the last time because my emotions cannot handle his not caring if he ML to me or not.
April 2009- I find out about OW in March of 2009 so this visit was horrible as I had not found this site yet and I was angry with him and did not want him to think that what he was doing was okay with me. H greeted me with a half of a hug like I had the bubonic plague and he did not want to catch it. He went back to sleeping on the couch. When he departed, he did not want me to see him out the door, he said he would let himself out as it was really early in the morning. I got up anyways to say goodbye and got the half way hug again as he made sure that he had a suitcase in one hand so he could not hug me with both.
I have not initiated any affection since December because I am afraid of getting rejected by H. He will be back to visit next week and I might try to give him a hug hello and see what happens. If he doesn't seem to like my show of affection then I will know how to conduct myself for the remainder of his visit.
-
My H is able to be affectionate if he thinks I am not misreading it to mean that he is in love with me, or committed to staying with me. We continue to be physically attracted to each other, so I play on that. When we ML, he holds me in his arms for a very long time, kisses me, and yet I know I must not read into it too much.
Strangely, it's easier to detach when we've ML, I feel like he is on a long string that has not broken.
-
My H has stopped being polite ("please" "thank you"). When I asked him why he was more courteous to strangers on the street, he said, "because they won't read anything into it". OUCH!
-
Thats Ok, my wife has told me I don't deserve to know what she is planning.
I think that is just part of the depression speaking
-
my wife has told me I don't deserve to know what she is planning.
Hopefully it is a great big party with your name on it for all the frustration you have endured on her behalf! ;D
-
my wife has told me I don't deserve to know what she is planning.
Hopefully it is a great big party with your name on it for all the frustration you have endured on her behalf! ;D
Yeah right, it is a nekid pool party. ;D ;D
-
:o
-
;D lol :P
-
The lack of physical affection has been the toughest part of this journey for me as the spouse....now ex-spouse. It has helped me to read some other resources that discuss this.
On another forum, a question was posed asking whether the MLCer thought about their spouse often. The answer from someone who had experienced MLC was yes, BUT they were negative thoughts during the crisis itself. Even from an affection standpoint, this helps to understand why some/many MLCers do not give affection.
-
yep, intimacy decreased prior to BD but since BD, no physical contact. This is the hardest thing to swallow cause I want to matter, and I want to feel loved and wanted. He no longer calls me by my nick name, no more snuggling...nothing. And it really bugs me tonight :'( Just shed a few tears because of it cause I just talked to my friend about it who is going through the same thing with her H
-
Purple Stain,
The nickname thing is a weird aspect of MLC. My H didn't address me by anything for a very long time. Now, he uses my nickname, but sometimes he will use my formal name, which is so odd.
-
Purple Stain and Still
I noticed that H stopped calling me by my nickname also, a name that he gave to me. This hurts.
-
My husband didn't really call me anything for a long while. Then, I noticed he used my given name and even shortened it once to a version I dislike and have NEVER gone by. It was weird but I didn't say anything. Wonder what that is about? Now, sometimes he calls me honey but it is sporadic.
-
My H hasn't called me by any of my nicknames since the MLC and has only called me by my given name once or twice. He just doesn't call me anything - just speaks to me when we are in the same room. A couple of times it was more like a "hey you" and it made me so mad that I decided if he did that again I would call him on it but he hasn't.
It is just odd. Makes me feel like less of a person that I can't be called by my name. Wonder what that is all about?!?!? :o :o :o
-
I usually get angry when he calls me by my name and I reply with adding his name! Most of the time he doesn't call me anything which is better than by name, sounds cold. I've noticed on days when he is mad or sad that's when he uses my name
-
I am having a hard time today dealing with lack of affection. I went canoeing with friends last week. One of my friend's h was trying to get around me, he put his hand on my back and patted me to get by.
It was a completely innocent gesture that brought to the forefront of my mind how long it has been since I have been touched (other than my awesome hugs from my children). The last time my h touched me, in any way, was March 2009. It has been 18 months and we live in the same home.
He knows how much I love affection. It is a cruel form of abandonment, emotional estrangement.
I try to fill my day with lots of things and most days I am successful. I can't even remember what it feels like to have my husband hug me. I have tried several times to touch him, he pulls away. I believe he truly feels that I am not worthy. Sad, really.
I have asked God to meet my needs, but this one stands so overtly unmet. Ugh!
-
Still
I can understand your pain.
Just a thought, could you go for massage therapy or a spa or something.
Just an idea.
-
OP,
I have actually been thinking about it. I would have to travel and hour or so to go. The only spa we have in town has a massage therapist that my sitter described as "very creepy". Not exactly a description of a person I would want providing me an hour of relaxation. :o
-
That would kill me too, Still. I really understand those words "cruel form of abandonment, emotional estrangement."
I've been lucky that way, although I have less physical affection than before. I had to get used to that. But may be the affection I get stops me detaching enough?
-
I'm so sorry, Still. The lack of physical affection gets to me too and I am fortunate to occasionally get a hug, so no touch at all would be beyond bearable. It is yet another really, really tough part of this whole MLC thing. I agree that my kids' hugs are wonderful, but it isn't quite the same.
It is emotional abandonment and it is horrible.
(((hugs)))
-
Yep, know what you mean.
The massage might be nice -- I had a couple this summer and it did feel good -- not the same as what we really want of course but still. What else I found was that I really was more physically tense than I thought I was, so the massage helped alleviate that. I've now been to the physiotherapist to get checked out, and am going to take more time to take care of myself in that regard. It's worth it.
x
-
Thanks for your thoughts Mermaid, Trusting, OP, and T&L.
Some days are definitely better than others.
In my head this morning, I was trying to decide how I would describe my present relationship with my H. At first, I thought maybe friends sharing a home. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that we were not friends, not roommates, more like strangers sharing a home.
Most days he doesn't even acknowledge my presence. When he answers my questions, they are typically short one-word answers or sarcastic remarks. I am not sure why this is.....I believe (hope/pray) it is because he is in withdrawal.
Six months ago, I would have described him as cordial, polite, but cold. There is no politeness in anything he does. At one time, he was the best mannered person I knew. Not now, at least not to me.
This morning, we crossed paths, I smiled, he ignored me. He and the children were getting ready to leave the house. I yelled, "By everyone, have a great day!" The kids yelled, "bye". He says nothing.
-
Still,
I've been there too, and I can only say that I know how hurt, confused and despairing for my wife and marriage that I felt, and I imagine you feel the same way. Before BD we hugged each other before we left for work, or indeed most places. She used to tell me that she loved my hugs.
I don't have any answers, and my only advice is don't pursue - don't make yourself chase acknowledgement, because it is unlikely to come. Try not to be sarcastic or ironic about it either. All you can do is give your love and let God and life take care of the rest.
I don't understand the process, but I accept that this is how it is now ... and I realize that our friendship seems to become more eroded every day somehow. It is their decision, and now we have to decide what we're going to do about it. It is hard.
The night before last my wife got up in the middle of the night to sleep in the spare room. In the morning she came in turned off the radio alarm and got into our bed. My mind started to question what she was doing, then I had to make it stop. Get up, move on because there is no logical explanation sometimes.
She hates mornings. Used to be the radio clock would start, and she'd curl right into me and hold me and tell me it was too nice in bed. Then boom! One day she told me that 'I don't love you, don't want to grow old with you'.
I'm sending you a smile, a hug and some good wishes for a happy day - do something nice for yourself. Steal a half hour to read a magazine and have a nice cup of coffee and forget about everything else. Understand that your husband must be struggling with something deep that he has to turn away your love. How can anyone afford to turn away from that?
holdingon
-
Thank you, holding on.
So many of you really "get" where I am at. The pain is so different than the initial speech, but maybe only because we have become so callused.
It is the pain of doing all that you can to move forward, improving every possible area of your life, loving another unconditionally with constant rejection and trying to make sense of why they can no longer see a life with you. The pain of a spouse's willingness to break up a family and their only reasoning is selfishness.
I believe so deeply in God's ability to change this situation. I know that good will be reborn out of the ashes of these circumstances.
-
I know that good will be reborn out of the ashes of these circumstances.
I, too, want to believe that.... and it will be, we just don't know what it will look like....
-
Well for, one the LBS has (hopefully) learned what true love really is and how to love unconditionally - that is a real gift.
-
Yes, I have wrapped that gift and doggone it, he won't take it from me.
-
BUT if/when he does and realizes what you did for him while he went through this and treated you so horribly . . .
I keep reminding myself about that when I feel like throwing the towel in - there is always that decision. Throw in the towel and not be treated horribly any longer by a man who may or may not ever "come back" who is being a horrible example of what a husband should be for my kids to see right now or stay and show them how serious marriage vows are and how to keep them even when things are awful and show them what it means to love unconditionally.
Sometimes (a lot of times) it seems harder to stay.
-
(((Trusting))))
This is the toughest club I have ever been in, but I have met some of the strongest, most amazing people. We do what we do because we know in our hearts it is the right thing to do.
-
Each of you has said it so well. This is absolutely the hardest club I've ever been a member of. I do choose to stay in it, though. I am thankful to have my good friend whos ex-wife is reconnecting with him, and from a pastor who I am very close with who reminds me that what I am doing is the right thing and the honorable thing.
We are indeed learning what true, unconditional love is. I have to believe that, at the appropriate time, our spouses and ex-spouses will be drawn to our unconditional love for them.
Keep hangin'......
-
I keep reminding myself about that when I feel like throwing the towel in - there is always that decision. Throw in the towel and not be treated horribly any longer by a man who may or may not ever "come back" who is being a horrible example of what a husband should be for my kids to see right now or stay and show them how serious marriage vows are and how to keep them even when things are awful and show them what it means to love unconditionally.
Sometimes (a lot of times) it seems harder to stay.
Trusting, you're right..you indeed take a chance on him never "coming back"...but that is the chance you are taking...and look how far you've both come.
Don't give up, the end is nearer than you think...remember God's time is never ours.
On the other hand, it is MUCH harder to stay and fight than it is to run away from it all...that's where strength and endurance come into play as the race continues up one hill, down the other....at times you're scaling mountains, going through deep valleys.
But, throughout, God is always there, whispering "You can do this, just hang on a little while longer."
I remember late nights, praying and asking the Lord "How much longer?" His reply was always the same, "Not long."
Not long in His time, was nearly a year in my time, but everything I saw happen in that year, was meant to happen, and I thanked the Lord for continuing to see me through, even when I was lacking in strength, worrying myself to death; mostly that I would have to endure this limbo for the rest of my life.
There was enough good times that happened to help me hang on for the end that I knew within my heart was coming, but it didn't seem to be coming fast enough.
Patience, Child, I've been there, too...and I've often thought, "How does God ever so patiently wait upon people whom He's been calling for years and years?"
The waiting in this crisis, is not that much different, and He really does understand how we feel, as He's been there, too.
He KNOWS we get tired, He KNOWS we are ready for this to end, He KNOWS these things, but He knows something we don't....He knows what is ahead in the future..and we get "flashes" or dreams of what's ahead...so, subconsciously, some of us knows how this may come out...
IF we will wait just a bit longer, trust in the Lord for our strength, and be willing to finish this race.
I've heard it compared to the Israelites in their 40 day journey, that, originally was only supposed to take 10 to 15 days, but because they complained, the Lord made them wait that long for the Promised Land...and all who had complained, died before they ever saw it.
A NEW generation saw the land that was promised to them...God kept His word.
Or even Job, who lost everything, but still trusted in the Lord..."Though He slay me, I will still praise Him"(paraphrase). In the end, he regained everything he lost, as God kept His word.
In return for being obedient within this trial, the blessings that come as a result, are more than you can contain, as I can well attest.
God blessed me beyond my wildest expectations, but those blessings didn't just come within a restored marriage, they also came in OTHER ways....He continues to provide for me even unto this day; and I trust in Him with everything I have.
I did get angry, and miserable at times, but God was very understanding about that, He knew I was tired, and some days, I didn't think I would make it any further...but He would give me a flash of what was coming, and every promise He made was kept to me.
He was continuing to teach me different things throughout that I would not have learned if I'd given up and gone on, when He'd plainly said this would finish, but He never said WHEN it would finish, nor did He show me how twisted the path would be to the finish line.
I took many twists and turns, and sometimes faced detours to get to the end of this..but I did reach it, and so will you.
In time, I learned to just let go of my husband completely, stop complaining, let the Lord work it all out, became happy with whatever was happening, and I watched my husband work his way out on his own time...and I had become OK with whatever would happen.
After I purged my experience out...a load lifted off me, and I was able to go on with my life once again...and when he came out quickly, I was in a better place than I had been before.
Hold on to the Lord, even if you cannot hold on and trust in anything else. :)
-
Thanks for your post, HB. I feel that something has shifted this week. I am not sure if it is a sense of something within my H, something within me (well, I know it is partly that at least), or both. I feel so much more at peace and I feel like we may be turning a corner soon. Not sure how far it is yet to that corner, but it may just be approaching. I am weary and inwardly I sometimes still chomp at the bit, but I am so much better. I do still want to scream HURRY UP at my H sometimes though. :o
Nothing much outwardly is different with my H yet, but to me something just FEELS a bit different. I hope it is something my intuition knows and isn't just wishful thinking on my part.
I do feel God telling me to hang on and showing me in little ways that He is most definitely in control. The past week, anytime I would start to worry that MLC changes that I didn't like in my H may be permanent, I felt like God was saying, "Don't worry, let Me take take care of it."
I have had definite flashes or remembrances of the way our relationship used to be this past week, after months of not really being able to remember much. I could remember happy memories and events, but the way WE were was hard to recall. And, yes, I have even had inklings of what our relationship could be again. That has all been so murky to me.
God's timing most definitely is NOT ours. :) All of this would have been over before it started. :)
-
HeartsBlessing
That's very kind of you to say.....that the end is nearer than I think (assuming you mean the end of my ex-wife's MLC). I rely on the fact that God's timing is not ours. I also rely on the information that I read that MLC is a process.....and that once started it must be gone through.
Today started out a little hard, just thinking about some of the things my ex-wife "projected" at me. I have done better as the day has gone on, and am doing pretty good again now. Part of my worries earlier were just wondering how serious the "relationship" between my ex-wife and the other man is getting. I know his name, but I do not know how often they see each other. She has not brought him around me. After reading some of RCR's coaching to others on this site, I realize that it's not something to be concerned about right now......the process of MLC is more important.
A word that I have been thinking about some today is "responsibility". Several months ago when my ex-wife was still going back and forth on what she wanted to do, she mentioned that she was happy that I was taking responsibility for something that needed taken care of. I have noticed over the past 3 months or so, that I have been primarily responsible for taking care of our pet. It helps to confirm to me that in MLC they really do seek to escape responsibilities.
-
Still:
With your husband's progress of late, I am wondering if any affection has returned, or if he has discussed it at all with you. If too personal, please disregard. :)
I am just having a hard time not tackling my H to get some contact. It drives me nuts! Especially the passing in the hall type of cold shoulder thing. UGH!
Have a good night... Unhappypup
-
No he hasn't really been..I did a quick hug with him in october and he held me until I pulled away but he hasn't ever initated and affection at all.
-
With your husband's progress of late, I am wondering if any affection has returned, or if he has discussed it at all with you.
Unhappypup,
He has actually gone back in the tunnel again. Even when he was more talkative and kind over the holidays, there was zero affection. He NEVER gets anywhere near me. If he wants to hug the kids and they are near me, he calls them over. He hasn't discussed any of his feelings in a very long time. Actually, he is back to barely speaking to me.
-
Sorry Still.It must be so hard to ahve him there and to have him not even speaking to you. What a confused mesaage we get from them. Sending a hug from me since we don't get any from our H's do we? At least my dog loves to give me affection!
-
Thank you, XYZ. I'll take all the hugs I can get....virtual or otherwise.
I am so glad that my children are affectionate. That really does help.
-
Still: I am so sorry to hear that.
No affection on this front here either. Two weeks ago he was stone cold to me - sooo frustrating. I did nothing to deserve that! I really didn't! I have been patient and quiet...and maybe too quiet.
He gave me half a hug on New Year's Eve only because we had company over and they and the kids were watching, and you'd think he was a five year old hugging a smelly old aunt with bad teeth who hadn't showered in a year...the cheek pinching type!
He would come home and say hello to the kids and pretend like I wasn't even there. I was soo pissed after a few days I couldn't stand it. My feelings really get hurt over this stuff. I don't want this to be an example to my kids of what a marriage should be like!
I finally blew at him with a "sh&^ or get off the pot" kinda attitude - I'm not taking this disrespect anymore. He gets really annoyed when I say he disrespects me, but honestly...the EA...the cold shoulder...what else can I call it? That's how I see it, so I called him on it.
Honestly - his EA was sooo obvious. He couldn't sleep at night - the guilt was eating him up. The VOLUME of phone calls, texts, hidden IM accounts, etc... was overwhelming. He broke it off and "tried to love me" but went right back to her three months after. I can tell you why his business was poor last year - he was totally in fantasy land. He got mad that I tried to cut it out of our lives, so pretty much I told him he was welcome to "communicate" with his "very good "friend" all he wants, he just can't be married to me at the same time. I can't have three people in my marriage, and I didn't invite her in, so... that's my boundary.
I am usually meek...gotta say. I surprised myself.
He chose the legal separation route. I asked him (second time in a month or two) then to get on with it and set me free if that's how he really feels. He has to own his behavior, or own the responsibility of separating, but no more limbo within my home. He said he would.
After that blow-out of sorts I asked him "what's up with the hostility"? He said "I don't know... like you said..this "isn't you" and this "isn't me"."
ok....
Well, two weeks have gone by and no attorney calls were made (except by me for my own protection) and now he is trying harder to be peaceful and make conversation with me. :o I think he almost almost almost hugged me good by this morning but I stepped back to avoid the awkwardness right now, but he did say good-by which is a step in the right direction (sad to say). I can't sweep his behavior under the rug as he woud like. If our marriage is going to continue we need to examine things on the table, be open, honest, less co-dependent and live freely giving to each other instead of dependent and nicely faking things. That just can't be anymore....it just can't be - in my own situation. I need emotional honesty, and if it takes tough love on both of our parts, then so be it.
So..no affection, but a little more respect...maybe...
(HUGS to everyone!)
-
Unhappypup,
I really know that feeling of not even being in the room. My H does that ALL THE TIME. I am completely invisible. He is so different than he once was. He went from being the most polite, considerate man.....to this disrespectful, rude individual that only resembles him.
My H has said several times he does NOT want to save our marriage or work on it. He is done. Yet, he still stays here.....treating me coldly each and every day. I haven't even tried to talk about our relationship. Every few months he reminds me that he wants out..... He does seem to be moving in that direction now. He is working on a rental to move into. I also think he just opened his own checking account. We have had joint accounts for over 20 years.
My H doesn't even try to fake affection in front of others. He just keeps his distance everywhere we go. None of our friends have supported him in his decision and he really feels that. Oddly, it doesn't stop him from going places they are attending.
It is such craziness!
-
My H quit showing me any emotional closeness or physical affection shortly after BD and months afterward. I was used to him touching me in some way about every day, and it hurt me terribly that he stopped doing that. I live quite far away from the hometown my family and most friends are in. So one day after unintentionally breaking down at work, this nice co-worker of mine said she was going to give me a hug every day. And she did.
Still does too, nearly every day out of the work week. I look at it as God sending me a hug, and being a spouse to me in a time when my spouse didn't want to be who he was supposed to be. And then there are the kind people at my church who noticed my H did not come with me anymore and without them having all of the details (I'm sure they can figure out at least a little bit of what's up with us), they have begun to give me hugs too.
These trials are really the only way we can learn about the kindness of those around us.
-
Ooohhhh this hurts. :(
My H stopped one month before BD in April 2010, right after a male artist friend came to visit from out of town. I think H decided he wanted to be just like this friend- a single self-absorbed player type. He would physically pull away from me if I tried to embrace or kiss him, so I quickly stopped.
Since his mother died in December he seems to have dropped the active replay and flinching away from me so much. He became withdrawn but slowly warmed up more and more to me. Now we are "friendly" as in he will initiate a hug goodbye but he only uses one arm while the other one hangs limply at his side. Other than that no physical affection, although he will give me shoulder rubs while we are watching TV if I ask for it.
What I wouldn't give for a full body hug and big kiss right now. Wow, I can't believe it's been a year and half. :(
-
No affection here whatsoever. It is like I have cooties. :o
I have asked my H for a hug a couple of times. Once when I was hurting badly and feeling abandoned and alone, I asked for a hug and he did give me a rather warm and gentle hug that seemed like he was receptive to the idea. I have tiptoed around the idea ever since and the next time I asked (insisted really) on a hug was on the night of our 20th anniversary right before he left for a week long trip to see the OW and his family. That night he gave me a stiff hug and was obviously not into it and wanted to leave. Kind of like a cat that is squirming in your arms! I wish that I had asked for a hug on the day before which was the day that he had me served with divorce papers. I had gone to see him to get money for bills and we were both crying and I could see a glimpse of my old H where there still is a little place in his heart for me.... :'(
-
My H wasn't really affectionate a good year before BD but definitely 7 months before BD because thats when his PA affair started, I think. He wouldn't even hold my hand. He would pull away and said he wasn't the hand holding type of guy. He used to hold my hand. :'(
NB