[After the speech/bomb drop, did your MLC'er continue to be affectionate?]

After the speech/bomb drop, did your MLC'er continue to be affectionate?

No

10 (32.3%)

Rarely

5 (16.1%)

Occasionally

5 (16.1%)

Regularly

7 (22.6%)

Every time we are in contact

4 (12.9%)

Total Members Voted: 31

Voting closed: July 19, 2010, 04:14:29 PM

[hopeful59]

Bomb drop was in Feb. 2009, H moved out. Most of the time he refused to even be alone with me.  H went on AD's in Sept., in Oct. H hugged me for the first time.  Then in true MLC fashion, he told me a couple of weeks later that it was a mistake to hug me.  Funny part is that he kept hugging me every time he left the house even after he went off AD's. On New Years Eve evening I asked him for a kiss and he obliged.  However, for a few weeks after that I had to endure a lot of spewing.  As to current date H hugs me at least 2-3 times every time he leaves.  Forgot to mention that H comes to the house every day before work (he works nights) to see the boys.  Really funny part is that if I am not home H doesn't come over...hmmm.  The other thing I have noticed is that H will end almost all emails to kids, other family, etc. with love you.  No "love you" for me, of course.  The other strange thing is the H tells his friends & family that he only comes over to see the boys and yet he spends all of his time at the house with me.  I even tried a little experiment a few weeks ago.  I went into the family room when H got here, to give him time with the boys. Guess who followed me into the family room?  Yeah, that's right, H did.  His actions completely contradict his words.  Most of the time I feel as though he is living two separate lives.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

After the bomb was dropped, it has been like the air has been let out of a tire. All contact went from hugs and kisses to none at all. Little to no affection at all. I am used to it now. She still hugs the girls and has actually picked up on showing them affection which is good. I prefer this because when you get some affection and then cold, it really confuses you and hurts like a scab being pulled to open the wound all over again. I leave her be and work on the girls and myself.

[Mermaid]

My H started being more affectionate after BD. It marked the end of a period of withdrawal and the beginning of cycling/ OW. Since we announed to family that we are separated, and he's been in the spare room, he has been through stages of more then less affection. He thinks that too much affection and sex gives me too much hope, and he isn't sure how he feels.

I know it's a dangerous game, but sex/ affection both stimulate his hormones/ connection/ interest in me, and gives me some comfort. It's dangerous because it's harder to disconnect (but for him as well as me....)

[Buggy31]

My husband was weirrd with this one.  The affection and friendship started to slip away prior to bomb drop and then got worse and worse up until bomb drop.  Sex was actually better, which I can understand why now after reading a book titled (Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel IT"S EXCELLENT)  Anyway about three weeks after affair ended he was depressed and then returned to the person I recognized for a couple months in FAll of '09.  He was exhibiting cycling, monster and replay (mostly by going out and finding a new group of friends or just being very obsessed with youth as well as the children showing up.  I was recieving affection, some friendship and sexual intimacy during this time.  It felt like he was coming home and when he was affectionate it was very geniune, more than it had been in years.  This winter '09-current things got bad and in Jan '10 he withdrew all affection and sex (although that was slowly we stopped having sex in April '10) took on eyes of resentment.  This was all during the end of a pregnancy which was HARSH.  He treated me with less respect than you would give to a stranger.  OW never really disappeared which I deduced myself.  I believe things got intense with them in the winter because I believe my husband suffers from SAD and combined with the crisis sets him into deep depression in the winter. 

[stillhere]

H has been fairly regular with hand holding/hugs/kisses.   The first couple of weeks after BD one (the I want a divorce BD) he was especially so because I was an emotional wreck.  After BD 2 (the OW BS), he also continued to show affection.  I have learned though that when he is preparing to see her, he will withhold affection a bit and try to stay away from me a bit.  It hurts me to say that I think he's saving it for her.  This morning he went to his new place.  I am guessing there will be a meeting with OW as she has been gone a couple of weeks and is probably back now.   He did come up and hug me prior to leaving, but last night he slept in more clothes than usual and tried not to touch me. 

[trusting]

SH, I am not sure I would say your H isn't as affection with you prior seeing OW because he is saving it for her.  I think there is an element of guilt involved there.  No matter what the reason, it sucks, I know.

[Buggy31]

This topic made me see how brave all of you are.  I would be scared to death to reach out for affection for him now.  In fact I've been nervous about it since BD.  A couple of times he just looked at me and embraced me strongly and it took me by surprise and made me uncomfortable while at the same time felt like the person I knew was there.  However, I knew intuitively to be weary so I would hug back and let go when he was done.  I do not seek affection from him and feel that if he offers it I will go with it but it seems strange for me to do it now and I struggle with how I will ever be the initiator again. Maybe this is more related to the point were at in the crisis too.

[stillhere]

SH, I am not sure I would say your H isn't as affection with you prior seeing OW because he is saving it for her.  I think there is an element of guilt involved there.  No matter what the reason, it sucks, I know.

True, very true.  I'm remembering the morning of the day I confirmed the affair.  He was meeting her that afternoon.  He had dyed his hair a few days prior, was pulling out new clothes, and refused to hug me good-bye even though he was going to be gone for several days.  Guilt is definitely part of it. 

[rdy2livagn]

Buggy I am with you on this one. I do not iniate any physical contact with H. I am afraid of how he will respond. If he iniates a hug I gladly hug him back. Since the speach while living at home he continued to hug me. It was his way of saying I am sorry that I am hurting you but I can't help how I feel. This is for the best. We went on a weekend marriage seminar and there was plenty of hugs and quick kisses. Once he moved out - very few hugs.

[Still]

I have to say, even with our small sample size, it is nice to know that my "no affection" situation isn't as unusual as I thought it was.