Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Standing in Patience on February 15, 2012, 06:35:02 PM
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So a while back there was a mention of the possible link of the length of spouse's mlc to the length of the relationship, partnership, marriage. One month of replay for each year together. So for instance if I have been married to h for 31 years then the possible length of replay would be close two and half years. I'm not at all close to that; hate for it to last that long but I am SIP afterall.
So curious about lbs' response to this. Sorry couldn't find the original thread. Maybe one of the mod could locate it for me??? And then link it?
I'm 18 months in replay and h is still active as ever. Yup, still in replay.
How about you???
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Hey SiP. Interesting topic. I've read someplace about the one month per year of marriage but heck if we're calculating one month per year of something...just relationship overall and not just years married makes more sense. Plus it gives me about 5 more weeks of replay and my H should hit the next level!!! I've already passed the number of years married so going for the 16 years together!! Oh how I wish that theory would prove true!! Of course I'm basing my calculations on the amount of time since BD. Has no one come up with a MLC vaccine yet??? Geez. MY PATIENCE is running thin!
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We were married 3 years 3 months at BD. He's been gone 4 years 5 months.
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Hmm...interesting. I've been married for 20 years and it's been 33 months since BD. H is still in crazy replay with no glimmers of emerging yet.
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Together 25 years, married 20 years, 24 months since BD - glimmers of hope three months ago - now cycling wildly between saying the alienator is gone, and it all being back on with the alienator and in full on replay
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I'm not sure where you got the statistic or idea that the amount of time in MLC was related to the length of the marriage. MLC has to do with unresolved childhood issues - NOT the marriage. Thus, I don't think the amount of time married impacts the length of the MLC.
I remember reading that the amount of time it takes to get over the break up of a marriage/relationship IS related to the length of the marriage/relationship. One month for every year.....but, again, I don't know where I heard that.
L
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I'm not sure where you got the statistic or idea that the amount of time in MLC was related to the length of the marriage.
Limitless - I'm pretty sure Michele Weiner Davis references it somewhere on the DB website.
I remember reading that the amount of time it takes to get over the break up of a marriage/relationship IS related to the length of the marriage/relationship. One month for every year.....but, again, I don't know where I heard that.
I've read that somewhere too - not sure where?
Also have read somewhere, about a much longer time frame. Can't for the life of me remember what the formula was - but I do remember working it out, and getting the answer, that it would take me 6 or 7 years, to get over our 25 year relationship.
I remember this, because I thought - that felt about right to me.
EDIT - This is something I have written, don't know where I read it at. But I agree with Limitless and Kikki.
OldPilot
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Hi, all,
I don't think any such statistics can help much; in the beginning it is something to grasp on to, however every time I have tried to do that it has absolutely and totally backfired. It's just going to take as much time as it is going to take. And that can be a lot longer than a formula.
And then there is the very great danger that when that particular point in time passes and the MLCer isn't "on schedule", it can set the LBS way back, wondering what on earth is going on. What's going on is MLC.
I my case replay, as far as I can tell, has also been going on for much, much longer than what such a formula would say.
There are just too many factors involved. Some to do with the MLCer; some to do with other circumstances, some to do with things that happen along the way, you name it.
I also know that way back, when I went through my own period of behaving very badly, it took me around 6 years.... and I was too young for any such formulas to apply. So it just takes what it takes.
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I'm not sure where you got the statistic or idea that the amount of time in MLC was related to the length of the marriage.
Limitless - I'm pretty sure Michele Weiner Davis references it somewhere on the DB website.
Well, I am confused by that "statistic." If the MLC is NOT caused by the marriage - why would the length of the marriage/relationship have anything to do with the length of time the MLCer is in the crisis?
That really makes no sense to me - whatsoever.
I know that I am trying to put some "logic" to this illogical mess that is MLC......Don't know why I would be doing that? ;)
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My H and I have been together for 18 years, married for 12 of those years.
BD was last March but I've been thinking about it and he was in a BAD mood in February.
Replay doesn't seem to show any signs yet of letting up. I guess I will know when he is beginning to act bored with it, or tired of it, or starts telling me more of what is going on whenever he is out on his own these days.
His childhood was reasonably happy but complicated (tv movie-of-the-week complicated).
The way he has been since BD it's difficult for me to imagine Replay ending anytime soon.
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Im with limitless and Kiki.......my BD was 33 months ago and ive been with h 25 yrs.........i was told it usually takes 1 month for every year together to recover...........and by someone else 1 year for every 5 yrs together.............my h as a lot of childhood issues...........so i feel he will take longer in replay...........if the stats were right my h would have left replay 8 months ago.......although hes more accommodating and calm hes still in replay....i also think it depends the dynamics of the MLC and whether there’s other woman/ man thrown in and in my case the baby....... all MLCers are totally individual so it would be hard to even guesstimate the length xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Maybe we should take our eyes off the time element and let the process complete itself as it needs to.
IMO timeframes raises expectations and makes us feel disillusioned when it doesn't happen and pulls us back onto the rollercoaster.
xx
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Response to the thread.
First of all, thank you to everyone that has written so far. I'm throwing out the question to see if there is any credence to the thought that there is a time impact. Whether it was for the replay time period or for the recovery time - maybe it was the recovery time.
I agree - each situation is unique. It depends on the mlcer and the lbspouse. Each action, interaction, nonaction all have their impact. And of course, if there are OW, OM, OW baby or if there are FOO or children issues.
In my case, I am pretty much detached. Now and then my h contacts me, and now and then I contact h for issues around children and finances. I have been kind and he has been kind. I feel that there is some reconnection but no discussion at all about relationships. He laments now and then as he has in the past about money, job, commute, etc. Similar to conversations we have had in the past. No talk about OW. No spewing or anger.
Please feel free to comment one way or another on this thread. All discussions are helpful to especially to the newbies - well frankly, to all of us.
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BD was exactly 4 years ago this month. We were together 25 years - married for 23 of those. H is still deep into replay - speed-skating, rock climbing, and now adultery. H has almost totally stopped being a Dad to our D20 and S17. What's the record for remaining in the tunnel? We could have Olympic categories for all of these behaviors!
He is and was so immature that I am wondering if he will ever face the severity of his actions. He truly does act like he is 15. How sad that our son 17 has to deal with a father who is younger mentally than he is.
4 years is a long time to stand, but I will continue to do so as I have heard from God to continue to uphold my marriage covenant.
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Covenant, my H is also much less mature emotionally, spiritually, and even intellectually than my 17 year old D. Although she hasn't said so, I can tell D knows this as well. Listening to their conversations is just amazing as her words are intelligent and logical even if she's emotional and H's responses are recycled versions of the same craziness over and over. D is realizing that the effort isn't worth the frustration.
It is really sad because our kids just can't muster up any respect for these men after a while, even though they want to.
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Married 25 years, BD was 3/8/11 and I have no idea where he is at. OH WAIT, in the mantruck!!!!!!!!
C
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Married 25 years, BD was 3/8/11 and I have no idea where he is at. OH WAIT, in the mantruck!!!!!!!!
C
LOL C! ;D
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oh my h well into replay, think replay started 6 years ago gradual process really kicked off just before BD a year ago.
A mutual friend went to see my h when we were on (failed he came back then went again ) trial separation and said that my h was acting as if he were 17 :o
which validated MLC it was a relief to hear that.
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Liimitless is correct.... the correlation of months of marriage is about how long it takes to RECOVER and GRIEVE after divorce. MLC takes 5-7 years, but not all in the same STAGE. There is a buildup of irritableness and dissatisfaction, though you may not see it even in hindsight, then usually a trigger that leads to BD. Replay lasts a MINIMUM of two years.
My BD was exactly two years ago. The buildup to it started YEARS before.... can't put my finger on it, except for the ED, which was an indication of depression as well as problems in our marriage... specifically, my part in cutting him off at the knees as a man due to RESENTMENT, and also due to HIS resentment towards me.... both of us were to blame. His affair is at the two year mark, unless he told the truth that he didn't meet OW prior to BD.... it would still be pretty much at the two year mark as he moved straight from "separation" to OW. The affair started losing it's shine about 3 months into it... really got bad at the 9 month mark which caused them to ramp up their efforts at "True love" and move in together. He was begging to come home one month after they moved in together. After several failed returns which were more about getting away from her, and then PUNISHING her to keep her in line, he left her in their apartment and moved his stuff back home... though always leaving SOMETHING at her place as an excuse to go back if he wanted. More breakups.... more reconciliation.... more revelations from him that he KNEW where he wanted to be.... and that was over six months ago. The affair is still going on, but the texts FROM HER TO HIM are down from HUNDREDS over the weekends that he is home, to 3 or 4. IT is essentially over, but OW will not give him up, and he has been steadily testing the waters to see if there is HOPE for us....
Reconnection takes PRACTICE. Neither the LBS or the MLCer are ready after only one try. There is no LIGHTBULB moment and dramatic "honey I'm home!!". The final breakup is slow, messy and painful for all. It can overlap the end of the affair.... the LBS must be ready to go for what she wants, when the time is right... and that means attracting the MLCer back to a "safe" place once she sees the fog lifting. The scale TIPS towards the influence of the LBS as opposed to the OW...
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Interesting discussion. My two cents.....married for 23 years (next month), together for 30 years. BD was August 2009. H moved out June 2011. Back and forth about divorce, but nothing has been started (other than one visit to attorney to discuss mediation process, Has a "workbook" that he wants me to complete, but has never actually left it with me). Finds innumerable ways to delay (always due to trying to be "supportive" to me due to issues in my life, e.g., father's illness, work issues). As of now, wants to wait till end of 2012 for divorce (for my benefit, he says).
No OW (as far as I know). That appeared to end in 2009. Seems to be calming down, but then erupts and then calms down again. Appears to still be in replay. It's been 30 months (since BD). Very little contact with our daughter (who is 19 and lives in her own apartment and attends college locally). I see our daughter weekly. My relatiopnship with her is good.
It is what it is, and as far as time goes, I have no idea if length of marriage/relationship correlates to length of MLC. My best guess is that H started to distance himself from me about 6 months prior to bomb drop, but was experiencing some issues in the fall of 2008. Using that as a reference point it would be going into year 4 of MLC. Using BD as the reference point, we are at 2.5 years.
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I met my H in 1994 and we married in 2000. BD happened 1 year ago this month, but my H seemed angry at times in February '11. My H did not appear to go into replay at the very beginning. It seemed more like a gradual slip into it, from March - May. After BD, the first couple of months were I guess a depression presenting itself as anger. I remember that he stopped talking to me. When we would be with my brother, who is the closest friend/family member to where we live and comes over maybe one or two times a week to hang out, my H would ignore the both of us. He seemed he couldn't decide once and for all that everything was my fault until Replay. As far as a timeline, let's jut say I would be absolutely shocked (but thrilled) were Replay to end in around six months or so. I believe I've easily got another year of it, but who can say for sure?
The depression was as hard for me to handle as the replay. But all of it's very difficult.
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Unfortunately, 14 months since BD, I don't think my MLCer is even near the end of the beginning.
After not showing monster since before BD, it's recently resurfaced with a vengeance. We're been NC for the past three weeks and I suspect will stay that way for some time.
My H's been living with OW for 14 months. They've been having a PA for 2.5 years and met 3 years ago. As I look back, I think my H's MLC started with his mother's death almost 7 years ago, was accelerated by the placement of a heart stent 4 years ago and then an intense spiritual experience he went through just before he met OW. Also, a dear friend of ours, a woman our age he highly respected, died of cancer just a few months after his mom and I know that was very difficult for him.
My H just seems to be getting more remote, out of touch with reality. I know he's drinking more and I recently learned that OW uses marijuana so I wouldn't be surprised if my H is partaking of that, too (something he did in college but hasn't touched in over 35 years.) He's broke (or at least says he is and I believe him.) I'm assuming OW has some money and that's what they live on. I don't know if he's working much or not. He talks a good game (when we were talking) but if he's making any money I'm not seeing it (he owes me tuition for our D's grad school and interest on a loan I made to him. When we were still talking he kept assuring me he was going to pay it as soon as he found work.)
He tells me OW is seriously ill, says she's dying. I have no way of knowing if that's true. Sounds like MLC drama to me.
I'm getting better at detaching. It was my decision to go NC and, although it's hard, I know it's the right thing.
MLC gets worse before it gets better is one of the most important things I've learned so far in this journey.
TMHP
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Married 20 yrs. 20 months since BD. Appears at the end of Replay, beginning of reconnection. Seems a short time compared to others but could be to my H being 65 yrs old and much less severe FOO issues than some MLCers. H had parents that stayed married until death, appeared to be a pretty good marriage, no apparant cheating, they were very social with a lot of good friends. Only issues i know of was some lack of validation and approval from them causing him to be a somewhat emotionally guarded person that sought validation from sports,etc. Normal childhood from what I have heard.
I personally think the length has nothing to do with the marriage and much more on the severilty of their FOO issues and possible addictive and/or coping behaviors. Almost all MLCers abuse alcohol and/or other substances during their crisis but I'm sure it is harder when they have had these problems before their MLC.
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We were married 27 years at BD. Right now he is in replay and we are 4 months post bomb drop. We have weekly communication, but no eye contact. I am doing okay.
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2.25 years since bomb drop.....perhaps the end of the beginning. My MLCer is in Replay as far as I know.
From RCR's article Being Number One
I know, two years feels like an eternity, but in MLC it's merely the end of the beginning.
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Together 20 years, married 10. Husband left October 2006, already in replay. He stills in replay and, for all I can tell (he is a vanisher but I hear/know of/about him) thought the grape vine, no where near the end of that phase.
I one more of those that thinks it does not have to due with the length of the marriage/relationship but more with their own issues. Also with the amount of mess they create while on replay and the more troubles and issues that come with it.
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Together 18 years at BD.
BD 2 years ago.
Looking back I can see the build up of things that may have set him off.
Looking now I can see some positive changes but I just think he's in replay. And of course who knows when that will end.
My life awaits and if he doesn't want to be part of it his bad luck