Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: kikki on July 18, 2012, 02:44:32 PM
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This is something that I have wondered about - would be interesting to see if there is any link between the gender of the MLCer and the gender of the Left Behind Children.
Okay - this may not work - it only seems to be able to let me check one vote per poll.
Have I set this up incorrectly? Anyone able to help please?
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Kikki
Not sure you will get the answers you want. I just tried to put in mixed sex children but they are teenagers and 20 somethings. It won't let me put more than one tick in >:(
xx
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Thanks JA - I had the same problem. Have PM'd OP to see if there's anything I can do to change it so we can put in multiple responses.
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Try it now
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Thanks very much OP.
I've reset it, so if anyone has tried to vote, do you want to try again - Thanks.
OP has set it for up to four checks each.
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Thanks very much OP.
I've reset it, so if anyone has tried to vote, do you want to try again - Thanks.
OP has set it for up to four checks each.
OK I changed it to 6 checks, whcih should take care of almost everyone. :)
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Thanks very much OP
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This is indeed interesting. I have wondered if having a virile teenage son in the house, when my MLC was diagnosed with low testosterone was not the straw for the camel. I can remember a couple of years later going to my son's apartment at his college and seeing a Kama Sutra poster on his wall. I remember making some comment that drew attention to it and then later thinking "this must be humiliating for my husband." The am guessing that the energy of a young sexually active man must cause some friction...it certainly does in animal families!
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I am almost positive that having my daughter's boyfriend around [living with us] had an negative affect on my h. I mean, the energy alone in a 22 yo is daunting! & so far the poll shows a lot of mlcers with teenage & 20's children.
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I wonder if the same-sex teen leaving the home or getting ready to leave is a major stimulus--or in CalamityJ's case, seeing the boyfriend--a sort of family member--enjoying the "replay" life.
My xH started his EA immediately after our oldest son left for college.
On the other hand, xH had been trying in vain (at least, I think it was always in vain...) to have an affair from the day we met.
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There can be many reasons, not just testosterone. I notice here that there are more teens than children of other ages.
My H started reacting to his teenage daughters going out, getting boyfriends, not doing what he thought they should be doing (reading, studying and being perfectionist like him). It was part of his inner conflict, but not all of it, that his children weren't becoming like him. OW was;
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I think my H was 'setting the scene' , even sub consciously, to leave when youngest was 18 (or near..son now 20 older son 22)...possibly before, but somehow, turning 18 was a better number ..they were older and could handle it better.. :o which of course wasn't the case..he came to realise that to a certain extent about 18 months later..he might be getting some things on some distant deep level but it doesn't translate into doing anything about it... he's still as self absorbed...the journey continues..
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I too thought that our eldest son locking 'horns' with his Dad was a huge catalyst in all of this. About six months ago (2 years post BD), it finally seemed to settle down, and they seem to be easing back into a much easier relationship again.
I always wondered if he could just walk away so easily if he had three teen daughters looking at him. I guess the depths of what he is now capable of still shocks me, so I guess if they had been girls then he still would have done this.
Yes, the volume of teens and young adults here is interesting, and doesn't seem to be a coincidence.
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so I guess if they had been girls then he still would have done this.
Yes, I think he still would have done it. Whatever it is that afflicts them would appear to be pretty much an unstoppable force. The age and gender of the children may not have much of a bearing but then you never know. Until we ask the questions and examine the data we are just guessing.
At BD my daughter was twenty and my son was eighteen. Mother and daughter have not seen each other for coming up two years.
At my son's eighteenth birthday party someone said to W, "you wish you were eighteen don't you W?" To which W replied with some gusto, "I do, I really, really do!". I have it on video. In the light of what was to unfold later in the year it's quite chilling to watch. After BD I worked out that three days before she made that statement she had committed adultery for the first time. Amazing.
After BD, twenty-seven years married and forty-seven year old W was saying to twenty year old daughter, "you've had relationships, so you must understand." ???
I think my W is trapped in a regressed age somewhere between seventeen and twenty years old.
honour
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I think RCR does talk about the teen years being a stimulus. Don't have time to look it up right now, but I think I just read it.
I think my xH looked at our boys and thought, "What about me? I never had such a secure and carefree life!" He also envied the way I pet the boys as we watched TV.
He was looking for his mommy.
I wanted to be a wife and a lover, not a mommy. I wanted a man I could look up to and admire--someone to match, not someone to mother.
Ick.
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If MLC is rooted in childhood issues then I think the gender and age of the LBS children is not going to be a causation of an MLC. It is going to happen no matter who or how old their kids are. Mine are younger than teens, and were quite young when H started his MLC so I don't think that contributed anything in my case. My MLCer just happens to be on the younger end of the age spectrum typical for MLC and so our kids are younger.
I do see that an MLCer might be "jealous" of their teen/young adult children in the way they are young, can live without much responsibility, and have their whole lives ahead of them. My H certainly acts like a teenager often. >:(
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The rate of it being MLC and having teenagers is no coincidence...I know I waited until 32 to have the first child and 36 to have the second.
I know exh has lamented he wishes they still were little- not babies - but littler then he could still "wow" them with this or that.
I on the other hand am happy they are as old as they are. I can have a relationship with them..they can think and reason, have a sense of humor, and add to an outlook or conversation; to me, they are much more fun than when they were little.
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InThis
I know exh has lamented he wishes they still were little- not babies - but littler then he could still "wow" them with this or that.
My H has said similar things, although I haven't heard this so much recently.
He does seem to still be in a time-warp though. Treats the boys as if they are at least three years younger than they are - he's pretty much missed out on three years of parenting - so he seems to think of them as being more like 11, 13 and 14. (on a good day).
In the early days, he kept saying it was okay for him to leave because it 'wasn't like the boys were little any more or anything!' (??? Huh)
I personally don't think that teens are a cause - but maybe more like a trigger for the MLCers. For the males - it seems having teen sons or teen boyfriends (of their daughters) hanging around gets them thinking and yearning to live that time again.
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Don’t think children, teens or not, are a cause in itself. They may be one more trigger but that’s it. If children were a cause people with no children would not have a MLC. They do. And so do childless, single people.
It never ceases to amaze me, even if I know MLCers do it, how their sense of time is twisted. How they don’t get that time is passing by and how much of it.
Not even when they have kids and see them grow can they get time is passing them by.
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I cannot believe that the presence of a fertile/virile young adult would not have some energetic, possibly physiological affect on the dominant male or female in a household. After all, we are part of the animal kingdom!! But my guess is that the reason for correlation between teenage and adult children and MLC of parent has to do with the parent's age and the psychological and hormonal changes that accompany that age. Most people who have children, have older children at midlife.
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I think that the reason there are more teenagers and young adults may be more a function of middle age of the MLCer. Most seem to be in their 40's and 50's at BD and probably have older children. I know there are exceptions but maybe it would be helpful to look at age of the MLCer at BD too. Just a thought.
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I agree.
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I agree that the age is probably the common factor [if kids are 20 spouse is usually between 40 & 60] but, having a 22 yo boy around...h56 is already feeling old and irrelevant...I would say that would be a trigger. As a matter of fact he started the PA when the kids moved back home. Did I mention he offered to go skiing with d's bf? :o ???
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I have no children. My friend has no children.
Our ex-spouses are in MLC because of unresolved emotional and developmental issues.
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DGU--I'm not looking for causes of mlc. I just find statistics/numbers interesting & yes I know numbers are just like words, you can make them say whatever you want them to say.
I do think mlc has a LOT to do with age issues. I cannot imagine coping with mlc at a younger age.
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Yes, preoccupation with aging is a key symptom of MLC.
Symptoms
•Preoccupation or fear of aging or death
•Vanity: Obsession with appearance
•Dissatisfaction with previous goals
•Life of Accommodation has left him feeling trapped
•Impulsive or Compulsive Behaviour
•Irritability
•Restlessness
•Substance abuse
The above list is comprised of symptoms, not causes. Aging does not cause midlife crisis--it is inevitable; midlife crisis is not. Since midlife crisis seems to be isolated to technologically advanced Western cultures lacking in ritual rites of passage, ageism is often blamed, but it is also not a cause of midlife crisis; rather it is an incubator, providing ideal cultural conditions.
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would be interesting to see if there is any link between the gender of the MLCer and the gender of the Left Behind Children.
Thanks for all of your thoughts on this, and for taking part in the poll.
I started out by being amazed at the number of MLCers who have the same sex children - so far it looks like 25%. (Assuming that the MLCers with sons only were all male themselves. Haven't heard of a female MLCer with sons only on this board??)
Although that does seem high - it looks like 50% have both male and female children, and the possibility then comes in of them being triggered by their daughter's emerging sexuality and hormonal changes, and also the presence of their daughter's boyfriends.
And for the female MLCers - teen daughters triggering things for them.
Also agree - most being in the 40 - 50 age range, they will have older children anyway.
I don't see this as a cause, just a trigger for the inevitable. And one more thing that the MLCer can't/doesn't want to deal with or take responsibility for, or to be envious about (teen/early adult lifestyle) that their children are experiencing.
Aging does not cause midlife crisis--it is inevitable; midlife crisis is not. Since midlife crisis seems to be isolated to technologically advanced Western cultures lacking in ritual rites of passage, ageism is often blamed, but it is also not a cause of midlife crisis; rather it is an incubator, providing ideal cultural conditions.
Agree completely DGU
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This is a very interesting aspect, I never thought about that.
My H started doing the weight loss thing about the time our oldest was a Senior in HS ( he graduated in 2009), we also have the little one, who is 8 years younger and had some issues, so I was totally pre-occupied, then older S went off to college and I was depressed and it might have done something to H, which I did not see.
In my case there were a few things that lead up to his MLC as far as I can see now. But yes, in our case MLCer and kids are the same gender.
RH