Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Peony2012 on October 05, 2012, 01:17:51 AM
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FindingJojo has just posted on EO's thread that she said to her H that she 'truly knew something was seriously wrong with him' -
And I was wondering how many of you have told their MLC'lers the same or something similar and what their reactions were?
When / How did you approach the subject and what did you get as response?
Did you get more Monster spew? Did some of them even agree or acknowledge?
peony
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I did but he just gives me this lemon look and shuts down. He doesn't want to talk about it...other than saying he has no idea what he wants and it changes everyday. Right now he is totally acting like a 20 year old guy...partying it up. I don't think he can stand to be sober that long.
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I did but he just gives me this lemon look and shuts down. He doesn't want to talk about it...other than saying he has no idea what he wants and it changes everyday. Right now he is totally acting like a 20 year old guy...partying it up. I don't think he can stand to be sober that long.
Mine still changes and my H even recognizes that something is wrong, he even says what his plan is to fix himself and what he needs to do. Then he goes off in a different direction and then because he might feel again goes off on his binge again, with booze, women and drugs. I know mine can't stand to be sober very long and on Wednesday as we were saying goodbye he was sober and willing to talk. Did he absorb everything we talked about together - NO. Will he remember the things he told me he was going to do - NO. H even told me he is so caught up in thoughts of the past that there are times he forgets what he did in the present.
But when I saw the sober man pacing, crying, wanting to get a D, then telling me how much he loves me, seeing him talk himself into leaving over and over, talking about changing himself to be a better man for me, not wanting to be with a woman that would go to jail then going directly to that person. Seeing his panic attack on Tuesday and all that led up to this - yeah I truly knew at that point something was seriously wrong with H. I knew intellectually before and somewhat on an emotional level but I don't think it sunk in until that moment. H would lay his head on my lap then jump up and say 'No' I gotta go then pace for 5 minutes. Then come over give me kisses and comfort then ask more about what to do, then cry. So with all that it finally sunk in just how sick he is and its no wonder he stays drunk it was overwhelming just watching it, let alone to live it I can't imagine being caught up in his mind right now and know why he is so far gone on booze, drugs and sexual acts.
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I have before but it's been awhile since I didn't get anywhere. W looked at me like I was speaking Swahili and just stared. It's like someone with a spell on them or hypnotized or something. Whenever I make a subtle comment about W "going through" something she quickly changes the subject. I think deep down she knows I know but doesn't want to. That, or she isn't really and just thinks I'm trying to manipulate. Who knows.
It is interesting g how it seems the males are more open about admitting it and seeking help from the spouse than the women are. My W has never asked for help or, given a hug or reached out like I see the males here do (mostly).
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Actually, even from the beginning, my H recognized that there was something wrong with him. He even went as far as sending me an email - telling me that I hadn't damaged the "goods" (him) - but that I had been given "damaged goods." I thought, at the time, this was some tremendous breakthrough and that he would be on the road to recovery. WRONG!
A few days later he was back to Monster spewing and telling me that I was trying to control him. (It didn't help that I went into full steam pursuit - as I thought I could help him now that he could see that he was not right :o :o :o :o)
Honestly, these MLCers may have snippets of time when they are down and they are feeling like they may have made some mistakes....but they cycle (as we do) and many times head right back into Replay. I guess it is part of the process.
limitless
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It is interesting g how it seems the males are more open about admitting it and seeking help from the spouse than the women are. My W has never asked for help or, given a hug or reached out like I see the males here do (mostly).
I think it is because they have seen us throughout the years being the nurturer, mother and it also seems that more males are the clinging types of MLC as well. Could be just the clinging side of their disease and mean only that. Who knows that they think.
Actually, even from the beginning, my H recognized that there was something wrong with him. He even went as far as sending me an email - telling me that I hadn't damaged the "goods" (him) - but that I had been given "damaged goods." I thought, at the time, this was some tremendous breakthrough and that he would be on the road to recovery. WRONG!
Wow I have heard that one as well. The man we met with on Wednesday morning even told H, no offense but if you could handle this yourself you would have and it didn't sink in. H knows he has a problem has known that all along too, even has some thoughts on what he needs to do and they aren't bad ideas. Will he do any of it, no because it would require him to deal with his emotions from childhood until now and it is too overwhelming for them to deal with and he is so caught up in thoughts of the past he forgets the present. What I saw on Wednesday just made me understand why he does it and I was overwhelmed watching it from the outside I can't imagine having it in my head. My heart breaks for the man he is now, the pain he is going through and knowing there isn't anything I can do to fix it. The only thing for me is to pray he can make it through by any means.
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I don't think I told my H point blank there's something wrong; not that I remember.
What I remember is him asking me (the night he came home from a trip and let me know that he would be filing for a divorce the next day) if I thought he was crazy, but I said no. He himself has referred to his feelings as "crazy", "dark place", and yes even MLC. Oh yeah and also that he's got his head in his @$$. So, he knows.
What I wish now is that I had said something other than No. I don't know if there would've been any difference but had I known he'd turn into a practical Vanisher I would like to have gotten in more of a talk with him. I was too shocked at what I was hearing him say that all my training from this site kind of flew out the window!
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Actually thinking back....before I found this forum I had sent h a very long text telling him that I though he had MLC. I told him no matter what happened between us right now, he would be unhappy. He did send me one back that said you are right. That was the only time I mentioned MLC...the other times I don't even remember what I said and just got lemon looks.
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I don't think I told my H point blank there's something wrong; not that I remember.
That was the first time for me on that level. I use to say I understand and what are you going to do about it, I believe in you and wish you could see yourself as I see you and stop talking bad about yourself. I still did that Wednesday but had probably my one and only opportunity to give him some information about something being serious wrong with him and using booze, drugs, women and gambling to cover it up. I just pray it does sink in, but right now he is probably self-medicating being told by everyone he is around that nothing is wrong with him that he is okay, he just needs to buckle down and grow up. Yeah they are all so helpful and loving. I resent their interference more than anything H has done.
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I feel the exact same way! My h has friends where we live, where he used to live and at work. The work and "old" friends are fueling things. The ow is fueling things. I wish someone would take a big frying pan to him and say "wake up! Your life rocks...get over your bad behavior and be a good husband and father!You're acting like a teenager not a 41 year old! You going to be a bad legacy for the rest of your life?! Man up! You have an awesome wife and beautiful children, you're going to lose that if you don't do something about it!" IF only....
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this is all very interesting, keep them coming! :)
I was asking because I've been wondering if it was time for me to say something to H... his communication to me is next to nothing now, apart from 2-liners by email that make NO SENSE AT ALL. (check the end of my last thread if you're interested).
I haven't seen him since June.
I actually told him (emailed him) something about MLC quite quickly after BD - at the time it was a HUGE mistake and I just got blaming and monster. At the time I still treated him like the 'old' H and thought I could talk sense into him! LOL!
However, that was 25 months ago so maybe something has changed since then. I have no idea.
Thanks for your comments so far!
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this is all very interesting, keep them coming! :)
I was asking because I've been wondering if it was time for me to say something to H... his communication to me is next to nothing now, apart from 2-liners by email that make NO SENSE AT ALL. (check the end of my last thread if you're interested).
I haven't seen him since June.
I actually told him (emailed him) something about MLC quite quickly after BD - at the time it was a HUGE mistake and I just got blaming and monster. At the time I still treated him like the 'old' H and thought I could talk sense into him! LOL!
However, that was 25 months ago so maybe something has changed since then. I have no idea.
Thanks for your comments so far!
I think only you can know if you should say something or not. If he is not communicating very well though I don't think it will do you good if you did say something. Tuesday and Wednesday of this week were the only times in a year and a half that we had an honest conversation about anything. H was open to talking and he was telling me his issues, there was honesty and that is the only reason why I did say something because he told me he didn't know what was wrong with him. He described his feelings and from there I asked him if any of this sounded familiar I read him the signs of MLC. He listened then said he didn't want to and I said okay then let it go. He said shortly after that he knew he needed to fix himself so I said well if he didn't learn and address his issues he could never heal, shortly after that as I kept reading he came over and said he better learn something so he could heal, then we talked some more. It was paced I hope and what he could take and I took my cues from him about how much talk was too much. Dropped it when it overwhelmed picked it up when he asked.
So take cues from him and if he isn't communicative then that should be a sign he isn't ready but that is only my opinion and I am still learning, making mistakes, re-learning myself. Others who have been going through this longer may know better.
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At the very beginning my H said that he needed to sort himself out; at 6 months he was breaking down, at 9 months again, something that I took for introspection at 18 months, then at 2.5 years a bigger breakdown and he said something about not loving himself and needing to do something, all in very, very strange language.
For a while after that, perhaps 3 months, he seemed to be thinking, then, quite suddenly, he went into "there's absolutely nothing wrong with me" mode, and that he was now happy and why didn't I get that.
A small blip back to "things aren't good" not quite 2 years ago, but for the last 18 months it's seriously back to "I am completely well, there's nothing wrong with me, just accept reality and move on".
In other words he's still out there.
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I said early after BD that he was having a mlc. He said, with that cruel smirk: 'You should have let me buy the motorcycle'.
He said last summer, 'I'm so miserable, what is wrong with me?' I thought he was missing the dumsel. Not, he was still seeing her. Also he said in the months after he left, 'I have to get myself together...'. And, when I said he knows where home is: not yet. Makes no difference, he goes on and on, like, someone said, the energizer bunny. :( ;D ;D
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Oh I heard that one too.....
I still hear how things got bad because of me and it is funny that I am fixing my things he still has everything to do and he doesn't get it that without him I focus and do what I should with him right now he sucks up life and I get off track. I can't point it out either because it is all blame.
I have only talked once about his illness with him and can only hope something sunk in. It seems though it is part of script but if nothing more I do feel we had an honest talk at that time. He won't remember it I am sure but still have to hope. I do see real emotion real pain so I know my lovey is in there somewhere and that does give me hope.
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Oh yes, I mentioned it. Early on. BAD mistake!! Little background though...we have a son who is on the Autism Spectrum and I work in that field (not as a clinician, but in support of an agency)....so I deal with "diagnosises" all of the time....and usually (especially with our son), once we know what something is...it is SO much easier to address it. So, of course, I thought I was still dealing with old LOGICAL H so I thought that would help. OH NO!! LOADS of spewing, monster, blaming....all that good stuff.
I've tried broaching it again recently - more delicately, not as direct, not as accusatory - he said that he wasn't doing anything wrong...if he broke the wedding vows then I did too. (TALK ABOUT PROJECTING, AVOIDING AND EVERYTHING ELSE NOT TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY!!!). But...he also said the stuff I've read here - "then I am just terrible, I'm awful, why would you want to be married to me...." and more. I did take the opportunity to tell him that it was choices he made trying to make something better, trying to do what he thought was right and that he could be forgiving for those choices and make different choices.
There has been a LITTLE evidence he MIGHT be listening....but still with OW, still cycling, still MLCing....but it's WAY early too...lots of room to grow - for the both of us.
Hope that helps! Thanks for asking the question - good to read these responses!
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Just after BD, my partner said he thought he needed to speak to a priest. I didn't understand what was going on at the time and I knew he wasn't religious.
After a while I thought he was going through an MLC and so did his D and sister and they told him so. He wouldn't have it.
When he came back after living with OW for six months, I told him it was an MLC and he said that he thought it must be. When he went back to her after a week, I told him again that it was an MLC and he said if it was that he would be really stupid. Since then (eighteen months ago) he has shown no signs of showing that he thinks there is anything wrong with him at all.
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When my h first left , he himself said call it midlife crisis I dont know.
Trying to explain how he felt he said he felt like he was in a tunnel and had to work his way through and at the end would be time for him, at the time I had no idea about mlc.
Other things he has mentioned at times in telephone conversations have been his eyesight was getting terrible, he had to use a white board at work to write things on as his memory was so bad, he cried watching X factor at the judges house when they were letting people go.
I got a lot of crazy text messages in the early days making reference to things which I know to be from our past, from when we first met, songs, cars, movies that sort of thing.
At BD I got the passion has gone and you killed it!!!! Told his mam he left because it had been like a slow death!!!! eek I am not that bad surely. No wonder we start this feeling so gobsmacked.
Regarding ow I have had. Well they are always younger arent they
Maybe she is just an escape
You and the boys are my priority not her.
As far as divorce goes apparently it is not the right time. No of course not h it is just the right time to go shag someone else!!!
When it was sons birthday he wrote in his card cannot believe we have a 21yr old baby, I think this was him freaking out a bit over his own age.
Hope you all enjoy these promise they are true lol.
x
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crazyjourney, when you mentioned your H talking about the tunnel I remembered my H texting 'I cannot see through the haze'.
weird ey.
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Mine has refered to "a fog".
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Mine refers to it as like two blurry tv screens floating one in front of the other. In fact he told me on Wednesday that for the first time in a year he got a clear picture of me and knows that I love him and he loves me but he still has to go and fix himself (haha......booze, drugs, gambling and women are his fixes). He still left though, living a life like that must be terrible. Not sure if I should have offered him popcorn so he could enjoy the blurry show through those floating blurred TV screens......lol.
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My h is now talking about abandonment or at least he was, think he has gone off on his bike again now.
If it wasnt all so awful it would be funny.
I used to be obsessed with trying to fathom out where he was in the stages, but I sharp learned it is amlost impossible because of all the to and fro, pedal your bike forward, pedal it backwards, loop the loop, still not happy try again, that about sums it up.
It all takes a bit of believing doesnt it and yet we are seeing and hearing it all for real, no wonder it has never become recognised properly, its like huh!!!!
x
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I think for me the obsession of learning about his illness kept my mind focused on something. This time around though I don't feel obsessed about it, he is in replay, replay, replay. I must stop cycling, cycling and cycling due to worry about him. I saw this last week just how truly broken and low he has become, now all I can do is believe he can be healed. My faith will sustain me I know, but even though I made tremendous strides in the past I know they were nothing to what is coming now.
Do you ever wake up feeling like this is the first day a fresh start and somehow you know something large is coming your way? Today is that day and I am crying for the joy of it, not for the pain of H a miracle in itself. It is such a nice lovely feeling knowing that all will be as it should be in the end if I just let go and let God.