Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Still on November 02, 2010, 12:54:21 PM
-
Hi All,
With my H's new announcement that we are divorcing, I wanted to get some input on other situations.
-
Still, mine threatened and threatened for just under a year...then got so angry, or maybe afraid of the whole situation that he filed...
I havent recieved anything but the initial paperwork, but i really dont know what if anything I should be expecting either...I have retained an attorney, but they are so expensive to the tune of 55 bucks for a 15 min phone call, I havent asked either...
hugs to you!
L
-
LNA,
Thanks for your reply. I was talking to a friend earlier. She told me her divorce attorney was $300 an hour. That just boggles my mind.
I pray that it doesn't come to that.....I want to have some knowledge of what I can expect.
-
Still, we are seperated. Seperated same day as BD. Has threatened to file many times in the almost 12 months since seperation. I have realized that unless I give her the emotional boost through arguments and confrontation, I don't believe she will file. I think the threats to get me to take the iniative to fix our issues or to try and get me upset like she is every time we talk, which I never call her.
-
Still
My H filed in Feb.2010...he is just now moving forward with it....
-
My H filed for divorce quickly after BD. It was final less than three months after BD.
He still maintains regular contact even though we are divorced. ( divorced x 4 1/2 months).
Just took some of his personal papers last week and his winter clothes.
I have his checkbooks, extra car keys and all his other belongings.
His mail still comes here.
Confusing as there is a serious OW in the picture.
He seems to be a little afraid of her, but no sign of his leaving her.
He lives with a male friend from work and I think she lives there too, though she has her own house.
I don't get it.
-
My H filed in Feb.2010...he is just now moving forward with it....
CW,
Are you in a no-fault state? I am in a no-fault state and from what I have read, it will go through in 90 days....unless I contest (which sounds like it is very costly).
I have realized that unless I give her the emotional boost through arguments and confrontation, I don't believe she will file.
godspromises,
For some reason, my moving back to the MBR seemed to cause my H the reason to file. I don't know if he will follow-through or not. This is the first time he has declared it to his friends.
I have his checkbooks, extra car keys and all his other belongings.
His mail still comes here.
Butterfly,
It sure sounds like he didn't complete one life before jumping into another.
-
Here's my input.
I have found that the divorce itself has been less traumatic on me than I originally thought it might. It may be because I am Standing, even post divorce. My ex-wife's contact with me has been very steady since the divorce. There is another man, but she has seemingly intentionally kept him away from me.
The advice I received from my counselor and a couple of other sources was to make sure she took care of the divorce itself, knowing that I did not want it, but not to make a fight out of it. MLC feelings are VERY strong, so what I've done is focused less on the divorce and more on understanding the process of MLC. It takes much more time to go through the process of MLC than it does to divorce.
I am not making light of divorce, and I have great Hope that my ex-wife and I will remarry one another. I continue to get consistent touch and goes from her and I believe she is continuing to process her way through MLC. However, it takes time......and you have no choice but to give them the time they need.
-
I have found that the divorce itself has been less traumatic on me than I originally thought it might.
DGU,
Thank you. That really does help. I have been feeling so overwhelmed. It really helps to get other's perspectives.
-
Still I know this is hard but you really need to look at it, as just a piece of paper.
After all we are all divorced at bomb drop.
We all must rebuild our marriages whether we have the paper work or not.
I must admit that once I started looking at it that way, my wife could not scare me with this tactic anymore.
If she chooses to go though the legal process their will be many other hoops that she will need to jump through to complete the process.
I can assure you(and her) that I will not help her in any way.
-
Still, I know this is hard but you really need to look at it, as just a piece of paper.
OP,
I wish I could look at it as that. I was just telling FHO the same thing. I see it as so much more. The religious aspects, the legal aspects, the personal aspects...etc.
I have been going through how intertwined our lives are. Everything is joined...checkbooks, mortgages, credit cards, insurances...... I just can't imagine how painful the process of separating all of that is going to be.
I know I am obsessing, but this is all my mind is processing right now.
-
Still you are not obsessing. It is another step down the road of "I don't know what is going to happen and I'm scared". I keep thinking that he could step in and stop this anytime.... before the final documents get signed....but he cannot/will not..he's determined that this is what is best.
I think, well, once this is done he'll have even less need to return...it'll be done, it will have cost us a fortune and he's not one to admit to making mistakes...as well, there is that "fear" that he really doesn't love me or want me and that hurts so much.
But, I've heard of people who get back together. Today, I've also heard of people who cleaned out the bank accounts. Now I say, my Beloved would never do that..really? But the things that he has done I would never ever ever expected him to do that either.
As well, in my situation, it's the only way that I can move forward. I am not welcomed in Brazil so in order for me to have a life here, I have to have some income..not just relying on his good will to take care of the bills....but making my very own decisions about where I shall live, work, vacation...I've not taken a vacation since this all started (not that I really wanted to go anywhere) but it just feels funny to take money either having to "ask" him for it or not telling him about it.....and I keep reminding myself....how could I live with someone unless he "falls" back in love with me and treats me the way that a husband should treat a wife. He's not done that for such a long time..I keep telling myself, I'm worth more than this.
I know that my situation is different but hopes this gives you some of the "positives" that I try to focus on because like it or not, I am going to be a legally separated single who prefers to remain married women coming soon to a theatre near you.
-
Still
I am in a no fault state but it can be drawn out but yes, that does cost money. I meet with my L Friday to discuss a counter-agreement and in that, we are asking that H pay all the atty. fees...we will see what happens. IF he disagrees, we could go back and forth for awhile until we come to an agreement or it goes to court to be decided...I hope that it won't come to that! Well, I hope it doesn't come to a D period but have accepted that it may.
-
We have been divorced since June. She said she wanted a divorce back in March of 2009, and she had already borrowed money from her mother and contacted an attorney. I could tell shortly afterward she didn't know what she was doing, so I made contact with my own attorney, and I drafted the separation agreement, with my attorney's help. She signed the document and we went on from there.
In this state you have to wait a year if you have children from the time one spouse leaves the house in order to file for divorce. I waited a year, and I filed for divorce. She signed off, and we are no longer married.
This was all done before I discovered this site. I had many people tell me that I could just ride with the separation agreement and wait to see what she does. I decided when she left and stopped communicating with me, our marriage was over. I have felt all along, that if she comes back we must approach it as though it is a new beginning. I think that is the only way we can get back together successfully. If she comes back, I believe I will need to go through the entire courting process again, to rekindle or re-establish a new relationship, with someone that I believe will actually be a different person in some ways. I know I am already a different person that what I was when she left, and I'm sure the changes in me will continue. Who knows what tomorrow will bring!
-
I, too, am in a no-fault state. HOWEVER....I did some research on my own. I have to swear under oath that the marriage is irreconcilable. If I cannot do that, the judge sets a 60 day continuance and requires spouses to be seen by court appointed IC's , so the judge can decide.
Also, fyi, although I am in a community property state, the judge can take infidelity into account when determining spousal support, and property division. Hmmm. Not as 'cut and dried' as my H thinks it will be.
None of the attorneys I consulted offered me this information. ???
-
Thanks, everyone.
I have to swear under oath that the marriage is irreconcilable.
LGO,
I don't know if it even goes to court here, but I will not swear to that either. I simply can't because I don't believe it. I really don't know what that means in PA. LettingGo sent me some info, but it doesn't really spell out any of the specifics that can happen before, during, and after filing.
-
Still,
FWIW...
Googled this up. (Pa divorce law)
Divorce: Fault and No-Fault
Divorce is the ending of a marriage ordered by a court., In Pennsylvania there are two types of divorce: fault and no-fault. The fault grounds for divorce in Pennsylvania are:
1. Willful and malicious desertion and absence from the marital home, without a reasonable cause, for the period of one (1) or more years.
2. Adultery
3. Extreme cruelty, including any physical or mental cruelty that endangers your safety or health, or which makes continued living together improper or unreasonable.
4. Knowingly entering a bigamous marriage while a former marriage is still existing.
5. Sentenced to imprisonment for a term of two (2) years upon conviction of having committed a crime.
6. Imposed such indignities on the innocent spouse as to render that spouse's condition intolerable and life burdensome.
7.Insanity or serious mental disorder which has resulted in confinement in a mental institution for at least eighteen (18) months immediately before the filing of the complaint, and where there is no reasonably prospect that the spouse will be discharged from inpatient care during the 18 months subsequent to the commencement of the action.
All fault divorces require court testimony and an appearance by the client. No-fault divorces do not require a court appearance.
No-Fault Divorces in Pennsylvania
Mutual Consent - A mutual consent divorce will be granted where it is alleged that the marriage is irretrievably broken and 90 days have elapsed from the date of the commencement of an action and an affidavit has been filed by each of the parties evidencing that each party consents to the divorce.
Irretrievable breakdown- If the parties have been living separate and apart for a period of at least two years and the marriage is irretrievably broken and the defendant has either:
a) Does not deny the allegations as set forth in the affidavit.
or
b) Denies one or more of the allegations set forth in the affidavit but, after notice and hearing, the court determines that the parties have lived separate and apart for a period of at least two (2) years and that the marriage is irretrievably broken.
You have a non-contested divorce when both parties reach an agreement on property issues, child , support, alimony, retirement, and any other issue.
from: http://www.divorcelawinfo.com/pa
-
Thanks, LGO.
It is helpful, but still is a bit confusing. If I don't fight the divorce, but I don't consent to the divorce.....what does that mean?
I have heard the horror stories of the long, drawn-out court battles that deplete all finances. I am looking at barely being able to stay in my home on one income. I don't want to risk anything preventing that.
-
go see at least 3 attorneys. many family law attorneys will offer a free consultation. go see them just for info and see what they will promise you.
-
Still, perhaps for you, just let him take the lead. Don't make it easy for him (as I have done by filing..but he had an appointment booked as well with an attorney and would have done the same and perhaps been persuaded to file for a divorce..but man, I still feel bad about what I've done).
Since your H hasn't left the country, the more time it takes, the more time it gives him to work through the MLC..but eventually he may make a decision before he's completed his journey for we all know that MLC takes months or years while a separation takes 90 days.
We had a very small wedding of 24 people..this legal stuff will cost far more than what we spent on our wedding and is far less fun!
There's a part of me (perhaps because I want to believe that what I've done is right) that thinks..let them go..fighting them on this could be as useless as fighting with them on any other level but honestly, I wish I had not been forced into a corner to play this hand.
And because he always needs to be seen as Mr Nice Guy..he can truthfully say, well she served me with papers. I'm not very charitable tonight am I?
I haven't sworn that our marriage is irretrievably broken but I guess I agreed to that language because it is written on a document that I signed and on his response it states "respondent admits that this marriage is irretrievably broken" but then isn't that what we are saying..this marriage truly no longer exists. It ceased the moment that he broke his wedding vows and if there is ever to be a marriage again it has to be something new.
I tried to express that to him when he was home, saying that I knew our marriage was over but that the foundation was still there and that foundation was very strong and could be rebuilt upon..his response to me was that he thought it very sad that I agreed that our marriage was gone..he did not get the part about the foundation at all.
I have to continue to hold onto the mantra, it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, the outcome will be the same. He has already "sent me home" from our life in Asia, lived without me for a year and now has left me behind as he works in Brazil for 3 years..what kind of marriage exactly could that possibly be..he's been crystal clear that he no longer wants me in his life. So the sage advise of live as though he's never coming back at some point must infiltrate my brain..someday, I must get that or I will not become all that I am capable of being..and that would be a waste.
-
STILL from what I read here you will have 2 years after separation until you are legally divorced.
I am willing to bet if you cook him dinner in your house then you are not seprerated.
Check with a lawyer for a free coonsultation.
-
STILL from what I read here you will have 2 years after separation until you are legally divorced.
OP,
Is that only if I "contest" the divorce, though?
So, basically, he would file......I would be sent the affidavit.....I either sign it, or refuse? If I refuse, everything stops for 2 years or until I sign.
I looked up the actual documents. In PA, I have 30 days to respond to the affidavit. I guess if my response is no.....the waiting period begins. Am I correct?
I find it very hard to believe a judge would grant a divorce to a man who is still eating most every meal at home, sleeping at home, going to church with the family, taking family vacations together, etc., etc.
-
Still --
I agree with those that say that you should go see a few lawyers. Especially if they don't charge for a consultation. See the best you can find; one thing that I believe is true is that if you've been to see someone then your H can't use them.... Now that sounds adversarial, but put emotional things to one side just for this minute.
They will be able to answer those questions in better detail; I know it's horrible but you do need to be informed.
From what I read then you are right, if you refuse then the 2 year waiting period begins. (and that may even be 2 years from when he moves out...)
XX
-
I live in a very rural area.
I haven't been able to locate any lawyers with free consultations.
We only have about 7 in this county.
I just found out one of my online friends is paying $575 an hour for her attorney. Oh, I would be bankrupt in no time.
-
No-Fault Divorces in Pennsylvania
Mutual Consent - A mutual consent divorce will be granted where it is alleged that the marriage is irretrievably broken and 90 days have elapsed from the date of the commencement of an action and an affidavit has been filed by each of the parties evidencing that each party consents to the divorce.
Irretrievable breakdown- If the parties have been living separate and apart for a period of at least two years and the marriage is irretrievably broken and the defendant has either:
a) Does not deny the allegations as set forth in the affidavit.
or
b) Denies one or more of the allegations set forth in the affidavit but, after notice and hearing, the court determines that the parties have lived separate and apart for a period of at least two (2) years and that the marriage is irretrievably broken.
You have a non-contested divorce when both parties reach an agreement on property issues, child , support, alimony, retirement, and any other issue.
So from what I am reading to get a no-fault divorce YOU would have to lie on the affadavit and say your marriage was broken and beyond repair.
The lawyer that I spoke to on the phone (different state) did not charge me for talking to me for a few minutes.
Once I spoke to him my wife could not use the same lawyer.
I am guessing that you husband will struggle to talk to a lawyer and then once he does he will struggle to follow through with anything that HE must do. Just my best guess.
If your husband asks you, my suggestion is just to say that your lawyer is waiting to hear from his lawyer.
Put it all on HIM.
-
We only have about 7 in this county.
Spend 5 minutes with each of them! lol
We can only tell you how we interpret the stuff. We are not attorneys in your state and do not know how all this is commonly interpreted in your courts. Once you talk to a few, you will have information. Knowledge is power. You can formulate a plan of response and set the issue aside until/if you need it.
Yes, attnys are expensive. Often times you can go with a big name firm but work with a newer attny. Prepare a 2 minute run down of your sitch, list your questions and call.
-
BD OCCURED IN DEC 09 HE LEFT 12/16 RETURNED SOMETIMES IN JAN 10 FOR COUPLE DAYS, HE WENT TO THE COURTHOUSE AND GOT DO IT YOURSELF DISSOLUTION PAPERS AND BROUGHT THEM TO ME AND TOLD ME TO FILL THEM OUT .... WE DISCUUSSED OUR AGREEMENT AND I TOLD HIM I WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT WHEN I WAS READY AND FELT UP TO IT . HE LEFT AND DID NOT MENTION IT AGAIN FOR LONG TIME.
ONE TIME IN I THINK MAY WE HAD AN ARGUMENT AND HE SAID 'GET THE PAPERS READY' THEN I DIDN'T HEAR FROM HIM FOR LONG TIME
IN SEPT 10 HE CAME HOME AND SAID HE WANTED THE DIVORCE i ASKED IF HE WAS SURE HE SAID YES i SAID FINE AND LEFT THE PAPERS ON THE KITCHEN TABLE WITH # TO THE ATTORNEY TOLD HIM HE COULD HANDLE IT.... HE ACTUALLY HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME TO SPLIT THE COST ....LOL.....NO WAY THIS WAS YOUR IDEA
AS OF THIS DATE I HAVE NOT RECEIVED ANY PAPERS NOR HAS IT BEEN MENTIONED AGAIN AND HE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME SINCE SEPT 25TH
-
Since BD, have seen your h growing close or showing signs of reconnection or have you seen him being cold from the beginning and no change?
In my situation, she started getting colder and colder; angry outbursts....now she talks more, makes eye contact, and responds to everyday activities.
I just am concerned because still has been at this for two years and now wants divorce. Is this the norm? It seems he has drug this out for a long time and I am worried that I am going to put years of effort and still have nothing but that piece of paper in my hand to show for my efforts.
-
Just a few more thoughts from Dontgiveup.....
I do think that women in MLC tend to actually go through with a divorce quicker than men. I have no proof, just my observations. Remember also that women on average tend to move through MLC quicker than men. I have seen statistics that women file about 2/3 of all divorces. That says to me that it's not unusual for a woman, especially in MLC, to file quicker than a man. It may also indicate that the more time that goes by, the less likely the wife is to file. The husband filing a year or two into his MLC may offer further insight that men do take longer on average to deal with MLC.
Let me offer everyone some encouragement from someone who is divorced. I did not, and do not, want to be divorced. In our divorce there were no attorneys involved. She took care of all the paperwork and we still commonly own some things together. She has been in consistent communication with me and has told me we will always be friends. The advice I received was basically just do what she says, but make her do the work.
I do not really feel divorced. Only time will tell if it's denial on my part. However, I think it's that I ultimately believe in who my ex-wife really is, and I believe that MLC is a process. One of the hardest parts about being the LBS is staying strong, but it's a must.
-
I just am concerned because Still has been at this for two years and now wants divorce.
Ready,
I sent you somewhat of a timeline to your PM. I didn't save it, but if you want to post it on here, go ahead.
Honestly, I am not sure why my H is suddenly so adamant that we MUST divorce....unless it is coming out of withdrawal and facing issues. Who knows?
I am sure I won't until he has fully completed his MLC.
-
I agree with DGU that women may go through MLC faster than men but are more likely to file for divorce. That is why I have been motivated by the time that has gone by (eight months) and my w has not filed for divorce or threatened divorce in over two months. However eight months is a small amount of time for MLC even for a female.
She will be leaving in two weeks. I thought about having another "r" talk with her about taking this time to think about her choices while she is alone. I decided against this. Regardless of my speech, my w is going to think about the r while she is with her sister in WA. Why restate the obvious?
I have a feeling that when she returns, she will have made up her mind one way or the other while she spends time away from all of us.
I am going to rearrange and change the house while she is gone. Not to make her angry, but so that she will come home to a different environment, a different place, something new so that she can see change and feel change in her world.
If she has decided to move on, it will hasten the departure. If she is wanting to stay, she may be excited and like the fact that we redecorated the house for her.
Any input on this is greatly appreciated and for some reason since Still's h went nuts, I have been on pins and needles about this whole divorce mess.
It seemed a couple of months ago everything was going well for several threads and now we face dark storms on several fronts.
-
for some reason since Still's h went nuts, I have been on pins and needles about this whole divorce mess.
Geez, Ready.
I was having a better day until you reminded me that
MY H IS NUTS!
-
MY H IS NUTS!
LMAO
-
RTFMF, as well as the sad stories of separation and divorce, we've seen a couple of more positive stories lately too, with Baxter, Patience and Free At Last. ShantillyLace also wrote some insightful recollections about her experience as a walk away wife that returned.
I sometimes have a smile at FHO's thread when she frequently begins an entry with 'saw my H today' ... because that seems to be nearly every day! :) I think who is he fooling!? It is probably only a matter of a short time for him - and FHO sounds so sweet that he would have to be king of the dumb-asses to not notice her.
In my case, my wife and I are just beginning the process of mediation after a year and a half of this. If we didn't have children, my wife says she would have just walked. The primary goal of mediation is so that she doesn't lose custody rights. My wife has separated herself much more from me now. It was a continuous process, and I guess I've enabled her to wean herself off this nice life that we had - though I think I did what I should have, which was to not ask her to leave. She made all of her own choices. Right now it is beginning to feel to me that she is not my wife anymore. I'm soon going to change my username here, because I don't know what I'm holding on to any more.
The fact is for me that although my wife stayed for a year and a half after bomb drop, it was to work on herself. She has been consistent all along that she wanted to separate. There was literally nothing I could do, short of mutate into the other man, that could cause her to change her mind ... and even then I suspect there would be some random form of repulsion.
RcR in her advice to me a few months ago told me that most MLCers separate. She indicated that our forum ( at that time ) was unusual in that so many lived at home. She told me that my wife was not done with replay and wouldn't be for a long time. She needed the energy of replay - an EA or PA. Except I guess they won't be affairs because she won't be married any more.
So far this has been a fairly isolated journey for me. I've turned inward a lot lately. The people that I love, and that love me want me to separate. They tell me that I'll see things more clearly and that I'm young enough to find someone new. They're worried. I don't tell them that I'm standing - for now, because I know what they would say. But I think they know that I love this girl.
As we begin this process of separation, and as she increasingly hides away from me, I am anxious about the future, but I'm accepting it somehow. The past few days I've felt more aware of the times when we had fun together, and of the amazing things that we did as a couple and as a family. I am sure that the stimulus was the death of her dad - even the terminal illness of him, and I know that the childhood she lived left her conditioned to relate in challenging ways. Mine too - though not nearly as sensitive as hers.
And that's the tricky part for her now in this journey. There's a very realistic likelihood that we'll never reconcile, from what I've read of women that were abused as children. Right now she doesn't even say hello or goodnight to me anymore. I am sure that there is an enormous amount of denial and projection happening. But I can see too that some of the persona that was imprisoned in her history is emerging and I can see that she is genuinely searching to find herself, and also researching to prepare herself for a new life.
This poll was a good initiative. We should do one each month and watch how it trends.
holdingon
-
Holdingon, one of the things HB told me that I need to wrap my head around is what do I have to loose? He's already walked away and although we were in contact for 14 months, none of that was real to him. It was just his sense of obligation. I just didn't see it that way at the time.
Perhaps they must cut free totally to do the work that they must do and as painful as it is for us, that's the only way for us to change too. I am beginning to realize that I was not an equal partner for many years and that my needs were not being met. Someday, if he doesn't return, I think I'll be able to look at the great times we had and hopefully not have any bitterness.
I liked your phrase "But I think they know I love this girl". I love my Beloved too. Is that not something..to love with agape love someone who shuts you out and throws what is good away. Who is loosing here?
Any stats out there ( re reconciling) are only numbers...there are always going to be the ones that nobody ever thought would make it and then the ones that everyone thought would and did not. If there was just some way that we could find some peace in all of this, no matter what happens.
You are a good man, continue to love her for that is what you want to do and she cannot take that away from you.
-
Right now she doesn't even say hello or goodnight to me anymore.
My H stopped doing that several months ago. He would just look right through me. It made me feel like I had absolutely no value in his eyes. He would greet the checker at Walmart with more than I received.
He's already walked away and although we were in contact for 14 months, none of that was real to him. It was just his sense of obligation.
I definitely think my has H stayed only out of obligation to our children (and he repeatedly confirms this).
-
Ok, so I have some legitimate questions about the definition of separation after keeping up with this...
I know no one here is a divorce lawyer, but b4 I make an ass of myself by making a phone call...and spending the money...I wanted some opinions...
since H "left"
we have gone on 2 family trips, spent every holiday together, birthdays... do family things often...
all along but more so in the past several months...he has stayed overnight here, in "our" bed, has eaten many meals here, showers here often...etc...
I am wondering if this is a "real" separation...or am I nuts???
now, he has also filed for divorce...back in July, and our court papers on custody issues state that we are residing together and trying to reconcile...this at the end of Sept...
H says divorce...everything else says not very accurate...what would you do??
of course I want to drag out the time frames as much as I possibly can...
-
My H filed papers really fast... I talked to a friend who was the leaver in her marriage (she is not MLC, just other issues)...
Her thought was that while she still loved her husband, she felt she needed to step away and file papers to feel safer. She felt that it gave her distance even though in her head she was more then willing to make the marriage work if her husband would fix himself. It was somewhat of a statement to him, and a way for her to feel relief from the pressures on her.
Just thought it was an interesting perspective. I've had a number of people tell me that's why they think my H filed papers so fast. So that I would cease all communication and give him his space to sort out his own thoughts. I can only hope that's really what's going through his head... :(
-
Two weeks after BD during another mind-boggling conversation with my H I flat out asked "Are you planning to serve me with divorce papers next week?" With a very surprised expression he said "NO, I haven't thought about that at all!" Considering how adamant he is about being "so done" with me I was quite surprised to hear that.
-
Most states say separation begins when you are no longer sleeping in the same room. However, that is hard to prove since one spouse could say we slept one night on the couch. Therefore, it only really becomes legal separation when one spouse moves out and has a residence of their own and does not come to live at the other spouses house at all.
From my point of view, you and your spouse are not legally separated at all. However laws vary from state to state. I am still trying to find one state where you can hit the adulterous spouse with at least one rock.
Hope my information helps.
-
RTFMF...
NC still has the Alienation of affection law...closest to a dultry ive found... :o
-
Some states say marital relations, however they also say marital relations can be cooking dinner for the other spouse!
-
bumping this up, hoping for some more opinions... :)
thanks and hugs!
L
-
Hi Still , as you know(I think) my H filed for divorce over the summer and now we are working our way back to reconciliation. I have to say though, I did not feel it was just a piece of paper at all...it was far more personal than that to me.
IMO, it goes far deeper than just paper..especially if there are children involved and other assets, etc. For me, my H was/is the bread winner, so I was going to have to move out of a house I could not afford and start anew. I was going to have to change jobs, basically change my entire way of living..so far more than a piece of paper to me. Again, that is just my opinion.
Things can and do change, I guess how and when , is the question we all have.
Hang in there...you are in my thoughts....Baxter
-
Still,
So, so, sorry to hear this latest development. My D is almost final and it was emotionally taxing. During mediation I broke down many times. I think it is difficult to view it as just a piece of paper. I am bracing for it now, but have had several major break downs in between. What God has joined together...it is not NATURAL for it to be broken or separated in this way. It truly is a break; like the severance of a limb.
I see the perspective that you can still stand, that there is hope after it is final and I don't mean to minimize that. But the emotional toll that it takes on some is, in my mind, normal and maybe even a necessary part of the grieving process. In short, just feel what you feel. There is no right or wrong. Divorce is just an added layer of stress in this already crazed season in our lives. You would not be normal to be facing this without batting an eye.
Again, I am so sorry to see that yet another D is in the works. It's ridiculous and crazy and just wrong. :( Hang in there. Feel free to PM me any time. Life has majorly interrupted my checking the board these days. If I can help, I will.
-
I am so sorry to see that yet another D is in the works. It's ridiculous and crazy and just wrong
I feel this way to but unfortunately sometimes it just has to happen.
I wait and look forward to a new marriage someday because as I gaze back now, that old marriage died the moment he broke his vows to remain faithful to me. He destroyed it, I forgive him and it will be up to God to change him and I to someday be together again. And if not, I'm almost to the point of believing that I'll be ok anyway because this person my Beloved has become cannot give me anything right now anyway.
Love to all of us going through this nasty process..it makes me sick everytime I hear from my attorney.
-
it makes me sick everytime I hear from my attorney
xycf... need some of my xanax? lol. ;D
-
Things can and do change, I guess how and when , is the question we all have.
Hang in there...you are in my thoughts....Baxter
Thank you, Baxter. Your story has given us all much hope.
My D is almost final and it was emotionally taxing. During mediation I broke down many times.
WM,
Your story has always been so painful for me to read. You have been through so much. It is so hard to understand why situations have to be so devastating.
You know I wish you nothing, but the best. I pray for you all the time.
****
Thanks for your kind words, xyz. They mean a lot to me.
-
Thanks NG..Clonezapam has been my drug of choice recently but I'm starting to think I may not need it any more...but that's today which has been a good day not like yesterday which was rough. And so it goes!
Always nice to "lighten" up things a bit!
-
Hi Ladies and Gentlemen,
My Husband decided to file for divorce about 8/9 months after leaving, he kept saying I need to give you an answer, I think now looking back he would say things to me, so I would instigate the divorce, things to wind me up, I never did, it is his divorce and always will be, I have days when I truly cannot believe this is happening, my H was the type of man that would have hated more than anything to have to call himself a divorcee, and bring his child up in a broken home. The change is 180 completely, he phones angry, blaming me, I can hear when he is fed up with his choice, because he tries to start the aggravated conversations.blaming me for everything crap in his life.
Love to all
-
I am bumping this thread up, it is from 6 months ago.
Re-reading it is interesting how much has changed since this thread.
My wife filed 30 days after this thread ended, STILL's H has moved out and has yet to file.
CW, H is threatening to come home.
I couldn't have predicted any of that at the time of the thread.
I wonder what I won't be able to predict in another 6 months.
When I say have NO EXPECTATIONS, this thread is a huge example of why I say that.
-
Five months later, my w is still at home. She still studies and she still is online with OM. It is like a never ending nightmare. Just one day running into the next. I remember back in June, I thought she would have divorced me by now. She kept saying she needed more time. Who knows , she could file tomorrow. It would be interesting to start the poll all over again and get more participation. See if things are getting better or worse.
-
My H moved out January 17 2011 saying he just wanted a separation not a divorce. He has threatened to call a lawyer whenever he doesn't like my tone of voice :o Sounds crazy doesn't it ? This was after I found out he had taken our tax refund. That was March 9th the last time we spoke on the phone.
-
I have been divorced for almost a year now. Time flies. MLC doesn't.
Since the divorce, my ex-wife is in regular contact with me....and there has been touch and goes. I guess if I summed up my persective about this divorce, I would have to say it has seemed clear to me that it did not happen as the result of marriage issues.
As I have said before, I believe the MLC process will trump marital status. Whether the MLCer stays home, separates, or divorces they are moving away from the spouse emotionally. I do believe that changes, and the MLCer then becomes the pursuer, but it takes time....lots of time.
-
I'm pretty sure the neighbors across the street from ExH got a D because she was having a MLC.
Two young sons that live with thier father. She married this disgusting guy- and I mean disgusting. I heard him out on the front lawn once use a term of endearment for her- ready for this? he calls her scumbag,
She kicked him out a few months ago. They were married a couple of years.
Saw her at a store a few weeks ago. Little pigtails on her head Hair dyed purple -the woman is a REGISTERED NURSE!!
D18 said Guess who's car has been in the driveway lately? That's right her ExH. ::) Can anybody tell me what the heck is going on??!! WHY do they feel they need to get a divorce to have a life???
The LAST thing I wanted when I was in my deprssions was to be WITHOUT someone. I NEEDED someone. I would have never survived a divorce during a depression!!
-
In September 2010 H said he wanted a divorce ( after I found out about his affairs in 2009) cuz he didn't love me anymore, hadn't loved me for many years, couldn't get the feeling back etc. etc. etc. It is now April... nothing has changed. Except that I continue to be amazed at the strength I have, even when I don't know it. And another plus... I've met some pretty incredible people here!
-
I filed for a legal separation Sept 10, 2010 which he agreed to..I had asked my lawyer to proceed slowly which she has done but there are some dates that things must be done by. We have a mediation date set for May 24 and he's done everything re: supplying all his financial stuff and comments from his lawyer are along the lines of "let's get this done already!"
I still pray that it will not get to that but only he can stop it and that would mean coming out of his tunnel and realising what a mess this all is...so far, haven't seen that side of him yet and it's probably not been long enough (sigh).
I have DGU though cheering me on, assuring me that it doesn't matter......and since I just heard of another women whose husband left her in terrible debt and with no money....if this has to happen then so be it...but I'd still like to request prayers that he may turn a corner before then please.
-
My H was mad at his brother for saying he needed a lawyer after what he did to us. He got mad. "No lawyers. We can take care of this ourselves." OK? Sure sounds good to me but what do I know?
Also mad I told his brother anything. "Why are you telling everyone?"
What? That you pushed me aside on a street near our kids school and ran into the night for 6 weeks? And now live with OW I mean "you're real friend"
Now clingy boomerang. Calling to chat coming over to see kids and tell me how Good I look. Super.
M50
H 51
D 9 and 11
M 10 years
BD 2-14-11
-
xyzcf
I think the big thing here is financial protection. That's a decision that each LBS has to make independently, and one that each LBS has their own reasons for. I did not feel a need to protect myself in that way from my MLCer.....and we still have some common assets. Perhaps it will come back to bite me, but I rarely even think about that possibility.
I do not think marital status matters much during MLC....and I am definitely pro-marriage. I know that no matter what the marital status is, the MLCer consider themselves single. What they don't realize is that the inability to maintain a relationship is because of them, but it's something they do seem to realize to be true after a (long) period of time.
-
My husband dropped our divorce on January 27, 2011 because I didn't have an attorney. And that was because he was only giving me $400.00 a month. Our house was foreclosed on and we had to move out on Nov. 19th....which is when I moved in with my h in his apartment. He told me leaving the courtroom that day that he would file again.
And file he did. Our final divorce date is now set for September 20, 2011. Three days after our 34th wedding anniversary.
The temporary spousal support orders came through this week. Although, h has yet to hear this from his own attorney. And he does not want to look at it online nor have me tell him. You know.....avoid and deny.
The problem is that he was ordered to give me a much larger sum of money than I know he ever imagined! And I have an apartment waiting for me and my daughter to move into on May 1st. But, that can only happen if he does in fact, pay me that spousal support.
This MLC craziness just doesn't stop! :(
-
It all seems so calculating and cruel but it's happenstance of their confusion and sadness. That's probably why it hurts us so much. We really do have all the power if you think about it. Women and children foreclosed on.....devastating stuff.. They are "blind to the destruction" really puts it best.
-
Thought it would be a good idea to run this poll again and compare the variations from the results from 6 months ago.
-
I thought about the day in Sept when the divorce papers came in the mail.
I got home -didn't even open them up -just opened up the closet door used two fingers to take them out of my purse and threw them in the closet and slammed the door!
I haven't looked for them since.
Told him the other day he could make me sign wheelbarrows FULL of them -didn't make any differance to me.
-
Great bump, OP.
STILL's H has moved out and has yet to file.
Yes, but he "thinks" he filed.
-
STILL's H has moved out and has yet to file.
Yes, but he "thinks" he filed.
MLC = CONFUSION.
At least you know that he is in MLC.
-
I was going to say- Doesn't he KNOW if he filed??? :o
-
I was going to say- Doesn't he KNOW if he filed???
Well, he used an Internet site. The lawyer filed in the wrong county, used documents that were a combination divorce petition/summary of procedure which is not legitimate, and I refused to sign. He has to formally "serve" me in order for any action to be initiated. Of course, now that he has moved out, it will start the 2-year separation clause.
-
I don't really fit in one of the categories.
H has threatened D several times. Although at one point he had the papers filled out, he never served me with them. Finally at 2 years I believed he was going to do it and filed myself, but there has been no action since and he has not threatened again, although he has left again.
If we do the poll again, I would suggest something like the following categories:
No talk of D
States he doesn't want a D
Threatens D with no action so far
Filed for D with no further action
Divorce in progress
Divorced
LBS initiated legal proceedings
-
5 months in and I don't really fit these categories either. H wants a D, but we need to both consent. He has spoken several times with a lawyer and keeps talking about when the D is finalised, but so far we have not been to court/seen a solicitor or do anything other than sort out finances. We may be divorced before the year is out though,as it is a complicated situation with multiple jurisdictions and I don't want to get into an even bigger conflict. I guess I am not a patient or forgiving person, but I am fairly sure I don't want him back for several reasons. 1. He absconded when we have very young children leaving me with sole responsibility for raising them and the need to get a full-time job asap - he is oblivious to how destructive his choice has been to our young son and has tried to "blame" our six-year old for his own inability to parent. 2. I have lost all respect for him. 3. I could not risk the further damage it could do to my children to accept him back only for him to go off again on them (even if I take my own personal feelings out of it). 4. I have not lost faith in marriage, but I have lost faith in my husband as a person. I feel like I may have married and dedicated the first half of my adult life to a very selfish, self-absorbed and conceited person, who now has also demonstrated his dishonesty, his cowardice and his lack of real character. He was totally on board with me giving up my career to move around with him and have the now abandoned children, and then he walked away from me as if my personal support meant nothing.
I know it does not make me a big person, but I just don't want that mess of a soul in close proximity to my life EVER again. I do hope for the sake of my children that he does come out of MLC, owns what he has done and tries to make amends. But I have my doubts about whether that is on the cards.... Wow, didn't mean to write so much, sorry for the hijack!
-
I completely understand how you feel, the depths of trying to understand how a person can walk away and turn their children's lives upside down, and truly not see the dispair and damage is too too deep for me to understand.
Hugs
Niff Naff
-
Hi Still
responding to your poll
I gave H d papers in Dec. I went to the lawyer had the paers drawn up and made him pay the $800.00, then when I gave him the papers in Dec. I told him all had to do was contact the attorney go to his office pay another $200.00 to file and it would be done in 30 days.
Well here it is April and he has yet to take this very simple step and is now making contact again.
He stopped by couple weeks ago and called yesterday to wish me happy b-day :o :o
I am currenlty is a state of comfortably numb ... feel ok if he files and ok if not . I did feel sort of happy that he called , it felt more like hearing from a long lost friend than the H I loved so dearly
-
livingstrong,
Good to hear from you!
Interesting changes with your H. It is even more interesting how you are changing.....I don't think anyone can predict how we will react when our love is stretched beyond any conceivable possibility.
-
yes, H filed for divorce in August of 2010 and it was final in January 2011. I didn't want it and he couldn't even look at me in court. He still has not contacted me about anything. I still wonder why he won't talk or contact me and he still has things at the house to get. It is like I don't even exist. what could be keeping him from contacting me?
-
Thanks Niff Naff, we are on a difficult, crazy path!
Hi Hamp,
I guess that there are many reasons he may not be contacting you: guilt, a desire to just move on now that the divorce is final, regret, a whole mess of those emotions put together or even some sort of withdrawal and depression. In any case, I am sorry about your divorce, if you are continuing to stand, as others have said it is just a piece of paper and hope remains. If not, I still hope you find a renewed sense of yourself. Either way, this is an opportunity for personal growth and achievement. I watched an interview with Pema Chodron and she stated that with a good deal of hindsight, her husband's affair and departure was the best thing that happened to her, because it led her down the road that she is now on, a spiritual path that she would never have explored had her marriage continued. (Not suggesting you become a Nun, btw ;D, also, at Eleanor Roosevelt did all of her work building the UN and working on human rights after the discovery of her husbands affair with one of her friends when she was 35, two amazing women who work (ed) for the good of humanity on a worldwide scale despite personal tragedies in their own lives).
All I am saying is that there is life after BD and life after divorce and you should grasp it with both hands!!!
-
I am so glad you did this poll again! Last night I told my husband the majority of people that I am aware of in MLC do not seek a divorce. They may separate, may even be living with others, but divorce is not mentioned.
He seemed shocked by that. I told him it's because these people might be in MLC, but they're smart enough not to jump to conclusions and file for divorce.
My h is so unhappy that he put all of his stock in a divorce....thinking that would give him a cure for all his woes. However, every decision he has made has only brought more problems. Not to mention digging himself a huge financial hole he will never climb out of!
-
Just jumping in to say what my exH told me. He admitted that most of the decisions he made in the beginning of this were ALL BIG MISTAKES..................but the decision to divorce has yet been mentioned as a mistake. He has said he regrets EVERYTHING he did (affairs, purchasing vehicle for OW, selling property, spending money), but will not admit or confess that the divorce was a mistake. He states too much damage was done and there's no turning back. Go figure. So, does that make him too prideful to admit it or does that mean I need to just forget about the possibility of him returning? I personally, do not see any of his actions as "fixing his unhappiness". He's still unhappy but claims he will be happy when............he gets another job and can move on.
-
You do not need to forget about him returning. It sounds like he's still doing some running....not uncommon. He seems to have realized the other woman didn't make him happy, but now it sounds like he thinks another job will make him happy.....so I would say he's still running.
Jim Conway says the Four Enemies of the MLCer are body, spouse, job, and God.....so I think him thinking another job will solve his problems fits in with what Conway is saying.
Just my thoughts.
-
DontGiveUp,
You always come through for me with the best advice. I'm still hopeful and I still love him.........but I guess the distance and the lack of contact tends to send my thoughts in this direction. I guess that's just normal. I have read Jim Conway's book but had forgotten that about the four enemies. Thanks for reminding me. I am not fretting any more nor did I sit around thinking of him constantly.......even though he is still very much a part of my thoughts on a daily basis......just not all the time. I'm enjoying my life, my time and my friends and family. I sometimes do things and later think that if H was around I wouldn't have done this or that.........so, I am enjoying the freedom to come and go as I wish. There's still the down times and moments of loneliness but I guess that's true for all of us here. As someone else said, "just because they are still home doesn't mean they are "in their lives". We just have to accept the cards and keep praying for a better hand. Thanks so much, DGU. I appreciate your insight so much!
-
Thanks to everyone who voted.
Exactly the same number of people voted in the last poll.
The divorce rate is slightly higher 22% compared to 16% in the first poll.
The MLCers who have left and taken no legal action is more or less the same. Around 50% in both polls. Very interesting.
Why is it that so many of our MLCers are convinced that they have made the right decision to walk away from a 'bad' marriage and yet half of them take no legal action whatsoever. Could this be down to fear, finances or is it because deep down they are aware that their behaviour is so out of character that they don't want to 'burn their bridges' as my H says. Maybe they want the option of returning home someday, and can't see their new lifestyle continuing permanently and want to keep the LBS on 'standby' just in case.?
What do you think?
-
I don't know if I want to even post what I think but I'm gonna give it a shot
Excuse the anger >:(
I think because he was already "ahead" ( If that's what we want to call it) of the emotional divorce game he had already thought out the other possiblities and knew there was a pretty good chance I'd still be around.
Since I had NO IDEA that he was going to do this he was banking on at first the "best of both worlds"
He could live his fantasy life with Exow and see me whenver he wanted because of the kids. He even told me he wanted to be able to load ALL of us up in the car and go to the movies together!! :o :o >:( >:(
But I'll bet ANYTHING he banked on if it didn't work out with her that I'd still be around. He would KNOW I wouldn't get involved with anyone else if for no other reason than the girls. He knows enough about me that I would want to set an example for THEM and not be running around with various men. Besides the fact I have them all the time which really leaves me no time to persue another relationship. I would not leave them alone for any extended period of time-especially overnight.
He knew the time it took him for this so called "emotional divorce"" and he was pretty sure he could work his "ya-ya's" out while I was suffering through this nightmare the SOB. Then tell me it was payback for the EA I had 14 years ago-no harm no foul. >:( >:( >:(
I know he even knew I've been working like hell trying to figure out what our relationship was missing ( because I told him very early on) so he KNEW that would keep me busy for a while.
Well guess what? Maybe what I did wasn't any better than what he did; BUT I was trying to CLOSE a door NOT open one. Now he didn't only open a door but Pandoras Box!!! And his payback to me was in SPADES due to his behavior and watching the girls suffer.
Many of the other friends I have have said :He wants to make sure you stay right where he put you; and I'm beginning to believe them. >:( >:( >:(
-
Hey all! Glad this was bumped, I had forgotten about it!
Was re reading it and OP and RTFMF...what you said about actually being separated is true... spending the night, eating with, going places together...ANY type of contribution to the marital household can negate the start of the 2 year wait...in my case my H has continued to pay rent, and had NEVER changed his 'legal' address on his drivers license...not to mention mail still comes for him and several other bills are in his name as well...this is all in PA...
still , hope this helps!
hugs,
L
-
H has not moved out but is preparing to. Is looking for a place to live and beginning the process of separating his stuff from mine. Ugh!
-
I reset the poll as so many changes have occurred in our situations.
-
Still lives at home >:( wants a divorce but no action.
-
Left Christmas 2010 to move in w/ OW b/c there was so much pain "everywhere". (read: caving to Emotional blackmail of OW)
7/2011 Says seeing attorney to file is "not in the plan".
-
He has been gone 2 weeks short of a year.
Announced he was divorcing me on the day he left.
Hasn't done anything, filed anything - or brought it up since.
Little contact.....occasional texts and emails.
Limitless
-
No divorce talk.... No legal separation talk..lives at OWs. 5.5 months aproximately 5 months 2 weeks 3 days and 17 minutes LOL
-
Divorce final 6 months after bomb drop. Bomb drop 1.5 year ago. Consistent contact about 2 or 3 times per month.
-
Divorce final 1 year after BD in October '09. Soon will be two years since BD and one year divorced. October isn't my favorite month!
-
She is still at home. She has left the home on three occassions for long visits with her sister. She will leave again in August to visit family and will not return till late September. In many ways, she has left us a long time ago. In many ways, the divorce is a piece of paper because emotionally, physically, and really spiritually they have already left us and even if they sleep in our homes, they are truly gone.
-
In many ways, the divorce is a piece of paper because emotionally, physically, and really spiritually they have already left us and even if they sleep in our homes, they are truly gone.
Well summed up for me, too, Ready. I am now 28 months post BD. Still lives at home but separately. Never said the actual D word but certainly hinted at it around the time of BD. No steps taken legally as far as I am aware. Still very much in MLC.
-
In many ways, the divorce is a piece of paper because emotionally, physically, and really spiritually they have already left us and even if they sleep in our homes, they are truly gone.
Ready,
You are so right. I lived like that for so long. I am glad that I no longer have to live with the daily reminder of what I no longer have. H leaving was one of the things I dreaded the most, but his leaving has been necessary for me to find myself again.
One thing is for sure, if he returns, I will no longer accept the way things were when he left. I will only accept a relationship with two equal partners with equal say in the course of their lives.
-
Left on 30.9.09 = our 14th wedding anniversary
Divorce final (UK) = 11th April 2011
Married OW = 17th June 2011
Both of our children have their own mobile phones, I am very very dark and he still contacts me twice/three times per week on average with kid/non kid stuff
-
Punkin' filed at the beginning of this year but hasn't made any further moves. I'm not sure why he hasn't finished it yet, but he is the one who wants to divorce, not me. Finalizing the paperwork would be to my advantage, but I will not do it for him.