RTFMF, as well as the sad stories of separation and divorce, we've seen a couple of more positive stories lately too, with Baxter, Patience and Free At Last. ShantillyLace also wrote some insightful recollections about her experience as a walk away wife that returned.
I sometimes have a smile at FHO's thread when she frequently begins an entry with 'saw my H today' ... because that seems to be nearly every day!
I think who is he fooling!? It is probably only a matter of a short time for him - and FHO sounds so sweet that he would have to be king of the dumb-asses to not notice her.
In my case, my wife and I are just beginning the process of mediation after a year and a half of this. If we didn't have children, my wife says she would have just walked. The primary goal of mediation is so that she doesn't lose custody rights. My wife has separated herself much more from me now. It was a continuous process, and I guess I've enabled her to wean herself off this nice life that we had - though I think I did what I should have, which was to not ask her to leave. She made all of her own choices. Right now it is beginning to feel to me that she is not my wife anymore. I'm soon going to change my username here, because I don't know what I'm holding on to any more.
The fact is for me that although my wife stayed for a year and a half after bomb drop, it was to work on herself. She has been consistent all along that she wanted to separate. There was literally nothing I could do, short of mutate into the other man, that could cause her to change her mind ... and even then I suspect there would be some random form of repulsion.
RcR in her advice to me a few months ago told me that most MLCers separate. She indicated that our forum ( at that time ) was unusual in that so many lived at home. She told me that my wife was not done with replay and wouldn't be for a long time. She needed the energy of replay - an EA or PA. Except I guess they won't be affairs because she won't be married any more.
So far this has been a fairly isolated journey for me. I've turned inward a lot lately. The people that I love, and that love me want me to separate. They tell me that I'll see things more clearly and that I'm young enough to find someone new. They're worried. I don't tell them that I'm standing - for now, because I know what they would say. But I think they know that I love this girl.
As we begin this process of separation, and as she increasingly hides away from me, I am anxious about the future, but I'm accepting it somehow. The past few days I've felt more aware of the times when we had fun together, and of the amazing things that we did as a couple and as a family. I am sure that the stimulus was the death of her dad - even the terminal illness of him, and I know that the childhood she lived left her conditioned to relate in challenging ways. Mine too - though not nearly as sensitive as hers.
And that's the tricky part for her now in this journey. There's a very realistic likelihood that we'll never reconcile, from what I've read of women that were abused as children. Right now she doesn't even say hello or goodnight to me anymore. I am sure that there is an enormous amount of denial and projection happening. But I can see too that some of the persona that was imprisoned in her history is emerging and I can see that she is genuinely searching to find herself, and also researching to prepare herself for a new life.
This poll was a good initiative. We should do one each month and watch how it trends.
holdingon
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Divorce Poll