Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: UnconditionalLove on January 12, 2015, 02:30:49 PM
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What do you think? I know we have read everything there is to read about how unhappy our MLCer's are. I know this is about depression in both forms Covert, Overt or Manic high and depression low but is it possible they are really happy at least during the Manic or the replay with now thought to what they are doing, have done are going to do? It's a running period and a time they don't want to think but do they push that thinking so far back they don't really see anything for months or does it pop up in between their great times? I was just wondering if they have such a happy time for many months that they really do think they are happy, free and in love and have just moved on without any thought of us because there isn't any thought to us, everything is rosy turning out they way they want. Or is it mixed? I guess I'm wondering if we would like them to be unhappy but they aren't.
I would love to discuss this with all you bright and wonderful people.
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I'm sure they cycle, just like we do.
Post BD I was a puddle but even just a few weeks later, I would have some great times and think I was happy. Then I would crash again. I don't see why it would be any different for them. If everything about it is bad, bad, bad, then they would stop.
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Yeah you are right. It's an up and down thing. But I think we sometimes what our MLC'ers to be hurting so much we want them to be more unhappy then they actually are in early stages. I don't know, I certainly am not the person to ask or even answer really on any of this. But, I know that many people who are manic love the manic feeling and manic makes some people really happy.
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Just my 2 cents.
In the case of my xw. She was unhappy when she left. She had the OM to run to and that seemed to be the catalyst to leaving. He gave her enough support to run away.
That was over two years ago. We've been NC for just about all of her crisis.
I see pictures that show a depressed person. I hear bits and pieces about her life. It appears that the affair was short lived. Lasting only three for four months.
Currently. She is sharing an apartment with an older woman that has some medical issues. I've been told. There is no OM in her life.
When we were married. Our life was pretty much constant activity. She loved to be on the lake or just about any activity that was outside. She had some large flower gardens in our yard. We remodeled the house I live in. We would bowl, golf, fish, dance and often times just drive to a place we hadn't been.
For her to go from being active and alive to living in an apartment with a disabled older person would suggest that the dream has hit reality. I hear she goes to bingo on Tuesdays.
I still have no idea if she is asking herself for answers.
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Hard to know. Obviously we can't really ask them, and they'd just lie anyway. I take the way she still monsters at me over insignificant things and still tries to control me as a sign that she is unhappy.
All I know is I am working on being happier each day and am a much happier place then last year!
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I think one of the things is we see stages and I read that the stages don't always go in order so depression of some sort like your W's could have been from the beginning and stayed. Since every mid lifer does a lot of things the same but yet they are different.
My H's choice to leave was driven by the 32 year old he needed, was obsessed about and was ready to leave everything behind for. 10 months later they are still together but what prolongs everything is H in on state and OW in another. He just wants this divorces so he can be more Happy, happy, happy. I'd like to think he's thinking but what 52 year old man wouldn't be happy with a 32 year old child/adult? I guess I'm thinking he's going to be happy for some time before the big fall.
However, I do see his world crumbling. He's not getting his work done because he's always flying to meet up with her. He's getting closer to losing his world. He just pulled something last week and came up missing and didn't fulfill something that is going to lose the business money. Not sure where that fits in to being happy other than his happy is destroying his life to the point he will become unhappy at some point.
Uh, yes the monstering! You are right that would probably be a sign of not being as happy as they could be. I guess that would also mean they are still thinking too.
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In the case of my H-he drank and cried a lot right before he moved out. That was last Jan. He cycled a bit until he began his love affair with OW2 in March. He was with her for about 4 months and later said he didn't think about the kids and me at all with her and seemed pretty up(yet 2 months in he was calling me and all shark-eyed). The whole year he has seemed to be mostly down; if he has been "happy" it has been when he stays really busy and parties. He recently told me he is no happier than he was before he moved out and doesn't ever feel like doing anything. So I would say they have very brief euphoric periods that are mostly fueled with outside stimulants. If they are unhappy, they won't admit it even to themselves.
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My wife would vary between manic and sullen in the early days. I thought she was on drugs, my daughter thought she was bi-polar. Now she looks like she aged 6 years in 6 months and my other daughter says when they talk on the phone she's always ending the call by saying she's tired or she doesn't feel good.
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Mine said a number of times they he could "come home and be miserable"; so he moved out (at my behest) and whether or not he's now happy is of no concern of mine. If he's happy--truly happy--them good for him. I tend to think not on the rare occasions that I see him: all he does is complain about things.
But, again, it's not my problem. When we can let go and stop worrying about them, their issues, whether or not they arerw happy, our life gets better.
And honestly, this question goes straight to one of the many things OP tells us on his first post: live your life as though they aren't coming back. We all know they might not or, if they do, we may not want them, a yeah. Let go and let the process happen.
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This is so hard on us. We hear them talk, seriously, about being unhappy and needing to find this elusive happiness they are missing....but most of them really never find it.
The reason is they have convinced themselves they can find this wonderful, great fantasy life wth another person. Someone new and exciting. Some soul mate out there who will make their lives wonderful....more fun and make them "happy." Such an elusion.
Reality just does not work that way. Yes, you can find some new person to make you feel excited and passion kicks in but that is NOT true happiness or lasting love. It is nothing more than a strong physical, sexual response. Lust is strong, addicting and has a very exciting effect on a person.
It takes time for this kind of passion to wear off.
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I asked my H if he was happy a couple of weeks ago and he said well I am and I'm not. He says he misses me and our cats. He is pulled in two and is giving up everything that he has been used to and a woman who has been in his life for 36 years. He seems so confused but he seems to be in love with OW and yet he still feels love for me. Only difference is she finds OW sexually attractive and not me. I see that as normal when they are in an affair though.
Whenever I speak to him on the phone which is not often his voice sounds very down. Maybe the reality of living with her isn't living up to the fun of the affair.
All I know is I'm not happy but I am getting there.
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Hmt,
Unfortunately. the "love" he feels for her right now is not love. It is an addicting kind of lust...and men think this is love...it's not.
I think eventually he will see that, but it will take awhile. It's a very strong attraction for them.
His love for you is real love.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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Gosh that whole Lust, Addiction and Love thing is so confusing. I guess it's only time that tells you if it's lust or love because I know my H totally believes it's love. I can tell by the way he takes off. It looks like addiction for sure. He won't admit to any affair even though it's so, so clear. He doesn't get that wanting out of this marriage so fast is a clear sign of affair along with the other things he's been doing.
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Here are a couple of articles posted elsewhere by another LBS. The original academic article is behind a pay wall; it can be accessed through subscription to other professional journals. These two links are very similar, one based on the other I imagine.
http://digest.bps.org.uk/2014/10/the-psychology-of-mate-poaching-when.html
http://io9.com/why-it-may-not-pay-to-steal-someone-elses-partner-1652762892
original academic article-- http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0092656614000750
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I have a lot of contact with my w and flat out asked if she was happy now 6 months post bd. She said "no but I'm hopeful". I know she wears the happy mask around her new people, everyone actually, but she doesn't bother with the act around me. I see through her bs and she knows it. She drinks more than ever and has taken up regular drug use... Self medicating is not a sign of a happy, healthy woman imo. She may not feel her pain when she's drunk or high but I'm sure it comes back strong the next morn. She just told me this week "I'm trying to figure myself out, I know I'm better than this" and scheduled an IC appointment Monday. So I believe she is starting to realize maybe she's part of the problem??? If history is any indication she will quit counseling before any real progress can be made.
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Skimmed the articles but one thing stands out to me.
The articles seems to say that these poached partners have personality traits that do not make them good long term partners anyway. So how does this relate to MLcers who have been in long term 10 20 30 year relationships or marriages?
The personality traits exhibited seem to correlate to the MLCer while in Replay/crisis , a person who feels alien to the LBS spouse. The person who is "poached" by OW/ OM have these traits so does it then follow that that is why when the MLCer leaves the tunnel and "awakens" to himself/herself or their "core" selves, the OW/OM relationship ends?
Or that if they get "stuck" in the tunnel and refuse to transition, they just move on to the next addicting OW/OM because with those unresolved shadows they are unable to br good long term prospects in any type of relationship?
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The articles seems to say that these poached partners have personality traits that do not make them good long term partners anyway. So how does this relate to MLcers who have been in long term 10 20 30 year relationships or marriages?
The personality traits exhibited seem to correlate to the MLCer while in Replay/crisis , a person who feels alien to the LBS spouse. The person who is "poached" by OW/ OM have these traits so does it then follow that that is why when the MLCer leaves the tunnel and "awakens" to himself/herself or their "core" selves, the OW/OM relationship ends?
Or that if they get "stuck" in the tunnel and refuse to transition, they just move on to the next addicting OW/OM because with those unresolved shadows they are unable to br good long term prospects in any type of relationship?
I also wondered about these studies. The first study reported the average age to be 20. It seems to me that the wayward partners in this study were exhibiting characteristics that make them likely to be future OM/OWs.
It's the MLCer's shadow self that is able to be in a relationship with an OM/OW so I would think once the shadow issues are resolved and the true self emerges they would once again be a good prospect for a long term relationship but until then they would not and they would continue to be attracted to OM/OW types.
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I think when it comes to the articles it's talking in general for affairs or poaching. With MLC some of the disorders haven't been long term but comes out more with the MLC and the imbalance MLC creates.
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I'm pretty sure mine is not happy. I would think not, as he works 6 days a week, 5 of which are 10hr days, plus another 5hrs on Sat. He didn't have to work that many hours when he was here and all he ever did was complain about his job. So I can only assume that when you add 15 hours, which for him is an extra day and a half of work, that it really can't be all that good. Funny thing is, he'd tell you he has a good job, highest paid hourly employee in the plant, he's good at what he does...says nobody is happy to work so might as well do this until he dies.
His son has told me he seems sad and stressed out and I would believe that. He was at his very best ADD self when he had 3 days of down time each week and now he has only a day and a half.
We had a text conversation a while back where he told me reality sucks. I told him that all the things he does to cover it up and make it go away for a while won't fix it, that reality will always comes back. He agreed, but not sure what he's done about it. I imagine reality still sucks.
He's sent me two pictures of himself in the last couple months and the first one I couldn't believe how OLD he looked...aged maybe 10 years. The other one, he had such big bags under his eyes. They say pictures speak a thousand words and that one just said one...SAD.
The one thing I do know is that when he shows up here or he decides to call me, he sounds happy, like his old self. Is he happy to talk to me or just faking it so I won't call him out on anything? Who knows with him.
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The one thing I do know is that when he shows up here or he decides to call me, he sounds happy, like his old self. Is he happy to talk to me or just faking it so I won't call him out on anything? Who knows with him.
RCR discusses this in her article titled When is Liminality. This doesn't mean your H is approaching liminality. It's just the article where RCR discusses this aspect of Replay.
It is important to understand that what you see may not be what others are seeing. You are seeing the act he wants you to see and others are seeing a different act. Few if any are seeing him Be.
Source: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality_when-is-liminality.html (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality_when-is-liminality.html)
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Wait, I might have learned something new. Are you saying that Liminality is part of replay, within replay? I guess I was looking at it as a stage not so much a stage within a stage.
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A midlife transition is a bridge between a life of accommodation and a life of individuation. During accommodation the individual behaves the way they feel others expect them to behave. After the transition they enter the phase of individuation where they are more self aware and are able to live their life based on their true self.
The midlife transition consists of three parts; separation, liminality, and rebirth and reintegration. Liminality means transition and is the period when they look inside and face their shadow. The shadow contains a lot of negative traits such as jealousy and selfishness but can also contain positive traits that have been repressed, such as assertiveness. It's typically a time of deep, introspective depression as they attempt to integrate parts of their shadow with their existing self to form their true self. This is when they may identify and explore new interests such as dance, painting, or playing a musical instrument. Separation is a short period of preparation before liminality where the persona they have shown to the world begins to fracture. Rebirth and reintegration is the period following liminality during which the new persona is built from the true self that was identified during liminality.
A midlife crisis is an abnormal deviation from the midlife transition. The individual who goes through a crisis resists liminality and instead tries to escape and avoid the work necessary to find their true self because they resist facing their shadow and liminal depression, so they regress and engage in Replay behaviors.
Depression underlies the midlife transition/crisis and Replay behaviors are used to try to self-medicate and avoid liminal depression. The MLCer enters liminality when the Replay behaviors no longer work for them and they hit rock bottom. It's a period of hopelessness when they realize they aren't finding the happiness they've been chasing and in fact have probably made things worse. They may cycle back and forth between Replay and Liminality as they work on and resolve individual internal issues.
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It is important to understand that what you see may not be what others are seeing. You are seeing the act he wants you to see and others are seeing a different act. Few if any are seeing him Be.
Source: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality_when-is-liminality.html (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality_when-is-liminality.html)
I have thought this for a while about my H, but then again only me and SD25 see this, everyone else thinks he's just moved on. If you try to explain it to an outsider they just look at you with disbelief.
My SIL says 'he thinks he's happy' and that's not him saying he's thinks he's happy - it's her perception of what she sees because she can't get her head around it all.
I did ask him about 6 months ago if he was happy and had made the right decision in leaving me, I got the 'I don't know' and 'every relationship has it's problems'
I think he is happy at work and when he's busy, which is why he always does everything for everyone else (except SD25) I think he portrays happiness to everyone he sees that knows me (otherwise he's going to look a fool for leaving me and not being happy)....I know that the few people that knew both of us, know he's just not right. I think its feeling pleasure but not actual happiness ...(I read that on another thread somewhere)
I try not to think of H happy or not happy...it doesn't really do me much good thinking about him at all. After 3 months NC (his choice) - he knows where to find me physically....whether he'll ever get me emotionally again is a 'wait and see.... if the time ever comes'
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Mine pretends to be happy. He has told me he isn't happy, he looks like he isn't happy, he sounds awful. Says the only time he can be himself is when he's with me and the kids. He waffles back and forth about coming home all the time. He's miserable and he knows I can see through his crap so he's stopped trying to lie to me, which is interesting. He's a horrible liar anyway.
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Hi Thunder
Hmt,
Unfortunately. the "love" he feels for her right now is not love. It is an addicting kind of lust...and men think this is love...it's not.
I think eventually he will see that, but it will take awhile. It's a very strong attraction for them.
His love for you is real love.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Thank you for Thunder. Unfortunately I do not know if that is true with my H case. You see he has known her for 12 years and has been in an affair for a straight six years where he saw her and spent every weekend and Easter and two weeks vacation for six years and then once I found out about the affair in Oct 2012 he has seen her periodically behind my back and has now lived with her for three months. I suppose it is the length of their affair that makes me loose hope and believe it could be real love. I do know she is a very manipulative and selfish Woman and he is stubborn with old fashioned views of Women so it is quite possible now that they are actually living together full time that the fairy dust could disappear from their eyes.
I've been feeling very low today and yet on the whole I have been a lot better. I suppose we have to get used to this cycling.
Take care
HMT
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HMt, I think the key here is...He moved into with her 3 months ago. Everything else was a fantasy relationship and gave him a high. He could keep that going for a long time. But, now that they are living a normal reality life and if he is still in some sort of replay this could all change.
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I'm not sure I would want to ask if my X is happy. I don't believe so based on all I have seen and the few complaints I've gotten about tired or sick. Sure X would claim happiness with OW, since it's long distance, keeps the fantasy alive. I don't want to know truly.
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Totally know where you are coming from Yoylove!
I went I started this thread it was more about our thinking. Do we post on the board our feelings of our H's being unhappy because we are wishing for that hoping they are getting through the tunnel or maybe their relationship is fizzling out, etc. I don't think if I asked my H if he was happy he would say. He hasn't said much of anything to me about anything else so he wouldn't share that either.
We can look at our H's and see in their eyes where they are. Things they do or say and the way they look tells us a story.
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UL my H is the same way, he hasn't said much about anything, actually it took a year for him to admit to OW. I had to push that, although he still lied about it. Shortly after BD he looked awful, lost a lot weight, look exhausted, I know that was stress, I think guilt kicked in for a brief second. Now, he looks healthy, vibrant, maybe he is happy, I do know the guilt is still there, he can not look me in the eye. If he is happy I am not at a place where I want to hear of it. Neither do our kids. NC and detachment are the only way to get over this, for me at least.
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D34 posted today on Facebook.
D34: Tired, just so very tired. And not the sleepy kind.
Wife: Me too. At the point that I want to just give up.
What do you think? My wife told me 6 months ago that the OM made her happy. Do you think she's still happy?
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Hi Unconditional Love
HMt, I think the key here is...He moved into with her 3 months ago. Everything else was a fantasy relationship and gave him a high. He could keep that going for a long time. But, now that they are living a normal reality life and if he is still in some sort of replay this could all change.
Thanks for that. I really hope you are right. When he left she was the one who booked the Solicitors appointment within a few days and I get the impression she is controlling. My H is the type that avoids conflict but bears grudges so I'm hoping that she will overplay her controlling ways and get on his nerves. What I do know is that when I asked him if he intended marrying her he said yes but not for about a year after the divorce. Now when I say oh you'll be married to her next year he says oh I'm not going to marry her for 2-3 years. Also they plan on buying a house together but now he has changed his mind about me selling our home and releasing his share of the equity for him to put into their new house. Now he says for me to give him his share when I choose to sell. In other words I can decide to move in ten years time if I wish. I think that is because he does not want the tie of buying a place together. It would be harder to walk away from her if she has to sell a house to release his share.
I just live in hope and that's all any of us can do I suppose.
Take care
HMT
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Gosh HMT, I think there could be lots of hope there. Him changing his mind on the house is saying a lot. Of course know one really know until they get through the tunnel if they will be willing to come back but I would say he's not up for making big changes with the house and probably his family quite yet. Looks like he's coming around slowly. Excitement is over with the OW and down he will go.
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Hi Unconditional love
I do hope you are right. Thanks for cheering me up. :)
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The one thing I do know is that when he shows up here or he decides to call me, he sounds happy, like his old self. Is he happy to talk to me or just faking it so I won't call him out on anything? Who knows with him.
RCR discusses this in her article titled When is Liminality. This doesn't mean your H is approaching liminality. It's just the article where RCR discusses this aspect of Replay.
It is important to understand that what you see may not be what others are seeing. You are seeing the act he wants you to see and others are seeing a different act. Few if any are seeing him Be.
Source: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality_when-is-liminality.html (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality_when-is-liminality.html)
This is interesting because mine does not seem to be at all into the parties anymore. The "friends" he used to have tagging him for being at their houses no longer include his name. I suspect he and the OW may have alienated the rest of them. I haven't seen him tagged in anything since last spring, and he never mentions any of them like he once did. There was always some "funny to him" story about the 20-somethings he was hanging out with. I wondered if that had any significance.
His son told me he acts really different with OW. He could see it when he and his dad were here before Christmas. If a 19yr old guy can see his dad act different, you know he must be. His son said he was like his old self when he was here and with her he is weird.
He has also mentioned needing a bag of oreos every couple of days and at one time, he was trying to lose weight...so eating habits did change. At one time, he was eating celery like crazy, in hopes of increasing his libido. ::)
His texting me has dropped drastically in the last month....and then all of a sudden he said he realized he hadn't called me and he needed to call that night. We talked for over an hour, like it was old times.
He's definitely got something going on in that head of his.
I need to go back and read the articles again with a fresh perspective. It's probably been almost a year since I read through ALL of them. A lot has changed with him since then. Thanks for the reminder, MBIB!
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I went I started this thread it was more about our thinking. Do we post on the board our feelings of our H's being unhappy because we are wishing for that hoping they are getting through the tunnel or maybe their relationship is fizzling out, etc. I don't think if I asked my H if he was happy he would say. He hasn't said much of anything to me about anything else so he wouldn't share that either.
I think on some level we want them to be unhappy because of the agony they've inflicted on us. We want them to be miserable in their other relationships because it vindicates us.
I have a couple of friends whose relationship started as an affair. They are extremely happy together--defied the statistics. They have been in the back of my head throughout this entire process. What if he and OW are one of those couples?
Maybe she is his soul mate and all of that. I used to be convinced he would one day come crawling back. Again, it's about vindication. Of course we want our spouse of so many years to admit he f***ed up. But there are no guarantees, and we have to accept that, too.
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I think on some level we want them to be unhappy because of the agony they've inflicted on us. We want them to be miserable in their other relationships because it vindicates us.
I totally agree. We've been subjected to the worst in human behavior. We've suffered greatly at the actions of our MLCer.
Since our MLCer is using us as the ONLY EXCUSE they have for their insidious behavior. It is hard NOT to take it personally.
And since we see the MLCer as the obvious problem. After all. They are the ones that destroyed the marriage. They are the ones causing all of the destruction. It makes perfect sense that we see them that way. A problem that needs to be fixed.
I not only realize. It has settled into my bones. This MLC was never about me. When it is over and done. Or if she NEVER gets through the process. It still has nothing to do with me. It is her personal problem and unfortunately. It is affecting me greatly.
Our MLCer's are lying their way through an incredibly difficult time in their lives. I don't believe all of them are capable of figuring out what is wrong with them.
Since this is the case. It is imperative that we work on ourselves. We plan for a life without them in it. We get in touch with our own TRUE identity.
Not the identity of figuring out what is wrong with our MLCer. Not the identity of just surviving this.
This is our time to figure out what we really want out of life. How we choose to live. What we want our lives to stand for.
If this is going to be successful on any level. It has to start with us.
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Is xW happy ?
I don’t know, I’ve not been in her presence since the divorce last May and I’ve only spoken to her once, even though she doesn’t live too far away with MIL and she will be a bit closer when she moves into her own house. I am NC and I avoid seeing her and I ask D13 not to tell me what’s going on with her.
Before xW moved out of the FMH I did see a text from her to OM#3 saying she was happy because she had finally got her divorce, she had got her identity back and she was having regular sex with #OM4. She has since moved on to OM #5 and is in love (again) so not sure what that says about her.
She has not blown her divorce settlement money, she has actually used it to purchase a house (with a bit of help from MIL) things are going her way so she could claim to be happy, any how I certainly don’t see any signs of her crashing yet.
Lanzo
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I definitely want my H to be unhappy because his treatment of me has been cold and callous. I'm not usually vindictive in any way. I don't know if he is happy, going by smiling FB selfies then yes, but his own Ds wont talk to him and he seems to have cut off his family and friends because none of them like OW so I'm thinking he must be quite stressed about the whole thing. He buries things well though and runs away from problems.
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I certainly want to see xW unhappy, I want to feel vindicated for all of the cr*p she put me through some petty, some childish, some really cruel and hurtful. The affairs the lies and all the other stuff.
One of the last things she did to me was to remove all spare bedding from the house, soak my bed and duvet with water, then after an argument she called the police and said that I assaulted her. When the police interviewed her and ask if I had hit her she said NO….. but I wasn’t afraid to. Sorry but that whole incident still sticks with me.
So on the face of it to her family and new friends she is happy, I don’t want to see that which is why I go NO Contact. I can’t carry on waiting for her to fall as I know Karma works on a different timetable to me and is not ready for her yet, so I just have to get on with my life and carry on.
Lanzo
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I went I started this thread it was more about our thinking. Do we post on the board our feelings of our H's being unhappy because we are wishing for that hoping they are getting through the tunnel or maybe their relationship is fizzling out, etc. I don't think if I asked my H if he was happy he would say. He hasn't said much of anything to me about anything else so he wouldn't share that either.
I think on some level we want them to be unhappy because of the agony they've inflicted on us. We want them to be miserable in their other relationships because it vindicates us.
I have a couple of friends whose relationship started as an affair. They are extremely happy together--defied the statistics. They have been in the back of my head throughout this entire process. What if he and OW are one of those couples?
Maybe she is his soul mate and all of that. I used to be convinced he would one day come crawling back. Again, it's about vindication. Of course we want our spouse of so many years to admit he f***ed up. But there are no guarantees, and we have to accept that, too.
Yeah know what you mean. l've asked myself all the same what if's about mine and om. The fact they made it over 12mths was pretty depressing . Not sure now , bit over 2yrs , if they are or aren't.
One thing that worried me right through is that ex is normally a very good judge of character and pretty fussy about who she mingles with.
Maybe she got lucky with hers .
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In a way l wish l knew if they end up happy , God knows l've done enough reading and talking with all you guys trying to figure it out.
In a case where they destroy the family and vows for no good reason accept their own dream happiness , l 've hoped the Gods would not reward that kinda stuff because it just would not be right.
With mine , l just don't know. l got a lot of the happy face sh@t for the first 12mths mostly , but l also got a few long texts through the night talking about everything and regrets .
By the second year , from where l stood things sure didn't look to good . l suspected depression , she couldn't sleep , her job had gone to sh@t and her health got really bad . And a few of her new new best friends turned out not to be so good after all. No clue on om !
But she still pushed for divorce at 18mths and kept pushing it another 4 until l signed.
Just lately , l can not for the life of me tell . She looks like crap but hey that might just be laziness , dunno.
She's also been very nice to me the last 6wks or so.
But in all honesty , hell right through no she hasn't seemed very happy at all , even with the happy face.
She's a different person and sure not the person she was whenever she was really happy before with me. l haven't seen anything like that in her since we split.
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I think right now, in his cloudy brain yes my x is happy. Deep down in reality land no, but there is no way he'll ever admit it. His fb is full of how happy and great he is, but we all know anyone who has to try that hard to convince people how happy they are really isn't. I think the baby girlfriend is pushing to be out and relevant and he's got to be struggling with that. Happiness is a place you should just be, it shouldn't be a struggle. I think to some degree they all carry some sort of guilt, there's no way they couldn't. You may never see it but trust me it's there just under the surface, and I think it's next to impossible to be truly happy while you carry the burden of a guilty conscience.
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Mine surprised me the other day by actually caring how I was doing on my last day of work. It was really strange.
As I read through this thread, it occurs that they are doing the same thing we are in some respects: faking it. The difference is that we learn happiness comes from ourselves. They are still chasing rainbows.
Hawk, don't worry about the timeline. So it's been 2 years. Remember that some (perhaps many) of them decide to settle because of the damage they've done. Others (I consider mine in this category) move very slowly through the tunnel. My BD is two years in March. He lived her for 8 months, got his own place for a year, and is just now preparing to love with OW. I think he's had the fantasy for almost 2 years and only now is he going to experience his new reality.
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I also hope they are not happy and feel the pain of what they have done to family and friends. I know my X would say she is happy and will cling to OW even if unhappy until she finds another. Her personality is she cannot be alone, must have someone.
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Her personality is she cannot be alone, must have someone.
My wife said something recently to my granddaughter about getting her own place and I have a hard time believing she would ever do it because she also hates being alone. Before BD we had been married for over 34 years, we only spent a handful of nights apart, and she hated every one of them. Still, she may have decided that being alone is better than being with the OM. ;D ;D ;D
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Mine has conceded several times that she is still depressed and not happy, but she is hopeful. I agree they are seeking happiness from outside sources rather than looking inward. I think many of us do the same when we feel we can't live without our mlcer. I really don't see how that is any different. I know that I had an unhealthy level of dependence on my w for my own happiness. I for one want to be happy. I want my w to be happy. I would prefer us to be happy together but that is not soley my decision. If we can't be happy together than I wish her all the luck in the world finding her own happiness. I believe she is going about it the wrong way but who am I to judge? Like I said, I relied to heavily on her for my happiness and it took her slipping into crisis and leaving for me to learn to be an emotionally healthy and independently happy adult.
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Before xW moved out of the FMH I did see a text from her to OM#3 saying she was happy because she had finally got her divorce, she had got her identity back and she was having regular sex with #OM4. She has since moved on to OM #5 and is in love (again) so not sure what that says about her.
I am aware of this same type of revolving partner fast replay in my X. I put a boundary in that I no longer want to hear or care about her personal life and she needed to stop asking about me. But prior to that, I know she was on her 3rd boyfriend and had been on about 25+ Tinder dates. BF#1 dumped her, BF#2 had worse mental issues than her (go figure), and she was on BF#3. All of this in about 4 months time frame.
One of our last actual conversations; can't remember how it came up, but just before I walked out the door, I stated "well, at least you're happy now, right?" Her answer: She shrugged her shoulders and said "well, it's different!"
At this point, the only communication I respond to is about the kids; ignore or blow off everything else and that has pretty much stopped too; I think she finally got the point (hopefully)!
DO
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If junkies, alcoholics, depressed people, personality disordered people could be happy then MLCers can too. (Irony mode off)
Those people: junkies and alcoholics running away from life in other universe because substance abuse.
Personality disordered people can't be happy because they poorly cope with reality.
MLCers are some kind of mix of all of those ingredients.
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Well , sure our last few yrs weren't to good. But it was an extreme bum up and nose to the grind time and we got what it was all for in the end.
But before that and even during that at times , we use to amaze people, hell we often amazed ourselves , that we'd be laughing and getting along , even during times where most couples would sure be stressed to the max and on the verge of divorce over it.
We always just had this natural thing in the way we could get along , it over powered what even we thought we the stupidest times where we should have been stressed out like normal people.
Ex could still just be happy , jokes , laughter around us , light .
l don't see that in her personality at all now.
l know blowing up your family and moving out into a rental , an om , money worries , it must have been so hard to do .
But even now , l still don't see that side of her at all. She seems serious , she was never serious .
She does seem to be doing a few things , she hinted something about motor bikes - om l spose , 4wdriving , om l spose , now she's gone on a cruise [ and was always scared sh@tless of the ocean ] .
But l sometimes look and see so this , these few things , that we could have done anyway if we picked ourselves up , is what you did this for then right ? That's what l feel like saying to her sometimes.
And adding , but gee , you don't seem all that happy , not how you just naturally use to be even when all we had was each other and couldn't afford to do a thing.
So has it been worth it , are you happy now ?