[Howmanytimes]

I asked my H if he was happy a couple of weeks ago and he said well I am and I'm not.  He says he misses me and our cats.  He is pulled in two and is giving up everything that he has been used to and a woman who has been in his life for 36 years.  He seems so confused but he seems to be in love with OW and yet he still feels love for me.  Only difference is she finds OW sexually attractive and not me.  I see that as normal when they are in an affair though.

Whenever I speak to him on the phone which is not often his voice sounds very down.  Maybe the reality of living with her isn't living up to the fun of the affair.

All I know is I'm not happy but I am getting there. 

[Thunder]

Hmt,

Unfortunately. the "love" he feels for her right now is not love.  It is an addicting kind of lust...and men think this is love...it's not.

I think eventually he will see that, but it will take awhile.  It's a very strong attraction for them.
His love for you is real love.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

[UnconditionalLove]

Gosh that whole Lust, Addiction and Love thing is so confusing.  I guess it's only time that tells you if it's lust or love because I know my H totally believes it's love. I can tell by the way he takes off. It looks like addiction for sure.  He won't admit to any affair even though it's so, so clear. He doesn't get that wanting out of this marriage so fast is a clear sign of affair along with the other things he's been doing.

[HeartTattoo]

Here are a couple of articles posted elsewhere by another LBS.  The original academic article is behind a pay wall; it can be accessed through subscription to other professional journals.  These two links are very similar, one based on the other I imagine.

http://digest.bps.org.uk/2014/10/the-psychology-of-mate-poaching-when.html

http://io9.com/why-it-may-not-pay-to-steal-someone-elses-partner-1652762892

original academic article-- http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0092656614000750

[Dji76]

I have a lot of contact with my w and flat out asked if she was happy now 6 months post bd. She said "no but I'm hopeful". I know she wears the happy mask around her new people, everyone actually, but she doesn't bother with the act around me. I see through her bs and she knows it. She drinks more than ever and has taken up regular drug use... Self medicating is not a sign of a happy, healthy woman imo. She may not feel her pain when she's drunk or high but I'm sure it comes back strong the next morn. She just told me this week "I'm trying to figure myself out, I know I'm better than this" and scheduled an IC appointment Monday. So I believe she is starting to realize maybe she's part of the problem??? If history is any indication she will quit counseling before any real progress can be made.

[Seekingpatience]

Skimmed the articles but one thing stands out to me.

The articles seems to say that these poached partners have personality traits that do not make them good long term partners anyway. So how does this relate to MLcers who have been in long term 10 20 30 year relationships or marriages?

The personality traits exhibited seem to correlate to the MLCer while in Replay/crisis , a person who feels alien to the LBS spouse. The person who is "poached" by OW/ OM have these traits so does it then follow that that is why when the MLCer leaves the tunnel and "awakens" to himself/herself or their "core" selves, the OW/OM relationship ends?

Or that if they get "stuck" in the tunnel and refuse to transition, they just move on to the next addicting OW/OM because with those unresolved shadows they are unable to br good long term prospects in any type of relationship?

[MyBrainIsBroken]

The articles seems to say that these poached partners have personality traits that do not make them good long term partners anyway. So how does this relate to MLcers who have been in long term 10 20 30 year relationships or marriages?

The personality traits exhibited seem to correlate to the MLCer while in Replay/crisis , a person who feels alien to the LBS spouse. The person who is "poached" by OW/ OM have these traits so does it then follow that that is why when the MLCer leaves the tunnel and "awakens" to himself/herself or their "core" selves, the OW/OM relationship ends?

Or that if they get "stuck" in the tunnel and refuse to transition, they just move on to the next addicting OW/OM because with those unresolved shadows they are unable to br good long term prospects in any type of relationship?

I also wondered about these studies. The first study reported the average age to be 20. It seems to me that the wayward partners in this study were exhibiting characteristics that make them likely to be future OM/OWs.

It's the MLCer's shadow self that is able to be in a relationship with an OM/OW so I would think once the shadow issues are resolved and the true self emerges they would once again be a good prospect for a long term relationship but until then they would not and they would continue to be attracted to OM/OW types.

[UnconditionalLove]

I think when it comes to the articles it's talking in general for affairs or poaching.  With MLC some of the disorders haven't been long term but comes out more with the MLC and the imbalance MLC creates. 

[patience.of.a.saint]

I'm pretty sure mine is not happy. I would think not, as he works 6 days a week, 5 of which are 10hr days, plus another 5hrs on Sat. He didn't have to work that many hours when he was here and all he ever did was complain about his job. So I can only assume that when you add 15 hours, which for him is an extra day and a half of work, that it really can't be all that good. Funny thing is, he'd tell you he has a good job, highest paid hourly employee in the plant, he's good at what he does...says nobody is happy to work so might as well do this until he dies.

His son has told me he seems sad and stressed out and I would believe that. He was at his very best ADD self when he had 3 days of down time each week and now he has only a day and a half.

We had a text conversation a while back where he told me reality sucks. I told him that all the things he does to cover it up and make it go away for a while won't fix it, that reality will always comes back. He agreed, but not sure what he's done about it. I imagine reality still sucks.

He's sent me two pictures of himself in the last couple months and the first one I couldn't believe how OLD he looked...aged maybe 10 years. The other one, he had such big bags under his eyes. They say pictures speak a thousand words and that one just said one...SAD.

The one thing I do know is that when he shows up here or he decides to call me, he sounds happy, like his old self. Is he happy to talk to me or just faking it so I won't call him out on anything? Who knows with him.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

The one thing I do know is that when he shows up here or he decides to call me, he sounds happy, like his old self. Is he happy to talk to me or just faking it so I won't call him out on anything? Who knows with him.

RCR discusses this in her article titled When is Liminality. This doesn't mean your H is approaching liminality. It's just the article where RCR discusses this aspect of Replay.

It is important to understand that what you see may not be what others are seeing. You are seeing the act he wants you to see and others are seeing a different act. Few if any are seeing him Be.

Source: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality_when-is-liminality.html