[Howmanytimes]

Hi Unconditional Love

HMt, I think the key here is...He moved into with her 3 months ago.  Everything else was a fantasy relationship and gave him a high.  He could keep that going for a long time. But, now that they are living a normal reality life and if he is still in some sort of replay this could all change.

Thanks for that. I really hope you are right.  When he left she was the one who booked the Solicitors appointment within a few days and I get the impression she is controlling.  My H is the type that avoids conflict but bears grudges so I'm hoping that she will overplay her controlling ways and get on his nerves.  What I do know is that when I asked him if he intended marrying her he said yes but not for about a year after the divorce.  Now when I say oh you'll be married to her next year he says oh I'm not going to marry her for 2-3 years.  Also they plan on buying a house together but now he has changed his mind about me selling our home and releasing his share of the equity for him to put into their new house. Now he says for me to give him his share when I choose to sell. In other words I can decide to move in ten years time if I wish. I think that is because he does not want the tie of buying a place together.  It would be harder to walk away from her if she has to sell a house to release his share.

I just live in hope and that's all any of us can do I suppose.

Take care

HMT

[UnconditionalLove]

Gosh HMT,  I think there could be lots of hope there.  Him changing his mind on the house is saying a lot.   Of course know one really know until they get through the tunnel if they will be willing to come back but I would say he's not up for making big changes with the house and probably his family quite yet. Looks like he's coming around slowly.  Excitement is over with the OW and down he will go.

[Howmanytimes]

Hi Unconditional love

I do hope you are right.  Thanks for cheering me up.

[patience.of.a.saint]

The one thing I do know is that when he shows up here or he decides to call me, he sounds happy, like his old self. Is he happy to talk to me or just faking it so I won't call him out on anything? Who knows with him.

RCR discusses this in her article titled When is Liminality. This doesn't mean your H is approaching liminality. It's just the article where RCR discusses this aspect of Replay.

It is important to understand that what you see may not be what others are seeing. You are seeing the act he wants you to see and others are seeing a different act. Few if any are seeing him Be.

Source: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality_when-is-liminality.html

This is interesting because mine does not seem to be at all into the parties anymore. The "friends" he used to have tagging him for being at their houses no longer include his name. I suspect he and the OW may have alienated the rest of them. I haven't seen him tagged in anything since last spring, and he never mentions any of them like he once did. There was always some "funny to him" story about the 20-somethings he was hanging out with. I wondered if that had any significance.

His son told me he acts really different with OW. He could see it when he and his dad were here before Christmas. If a 19yr old guy can see his dad act different, you know he must be. His son said he was like his old self when he was here and with her he is weird.

He has also mentioned needing a bag of oreos every couple of days and at one time, he was trying to lose weight...so eating habits did change. At one time, he was eating celery like crazy, in hopes of increasing his libido.

His texting me has dropped drastically in the last month....and then all of a sudden he said he realized he hadn't called me and he needed to call that night. We talked for over an hour, like it was old times.

He's definitely got something going on in that head of his.

I need to go back and read the articles again with a fresh perspective. It's probably been almost a year since I read through ALL of them. A lot has changed with him since then. Thanks for the reminder, MBIB!

[Medusa]

I went I started this thread it was more about our thinking.  Do we post on the board our feelings of our H's being unhappy because we are wishing for that hoping they are getting through the tunnel or maybe their relationship is fizzling out, etc.  I don't think if I asked my H if he was happy he would say.  He hasn't said much of anything to me about anything else  so he wouldn't share that either. 

I think on some level we want them to be unhappy because of the agony they've inflicted on us. We want them to be miserable in their other relationships because it vindicates us.

I have a couple of friends whose relationship started as an affair. They are extremely happy together--defied the statistics. They have been in the back of my head throughout this entire process. What if he and OW are one of those couples?

Maybe she is his soul mate and all of that. I used to be convinced he would one day come crawling back. Again, it's about vindication. Of course we want our spouse of so many years to admit he f***ed up. But there are no guarantees, and we have to accept that, too.

[ruggedendurance]

I think on some level we want them to be unhappy because of the agony they've inflicted on us. We want them to be miserable in their other relationships because it vindicates us.

I totally agree.    We've been subjected to the worst in human behavior.     We've suffered greatly at the actions of our MLCer.

Since our MLCer is using us as the ONLY EXCUSE they have for their insidious behavior.   It is hard NOT to take it personally.

And since we see the MLCer as the obvious problem.   After all.    They are the ones that destroyed the marriage.    They are the ones causing all of the destruction.    It makes perfect sense that we see them that way.    A problem that needs to be fixed.

I not only realize.    It has settled into my bones.    This MLC was never about me.    When it is over and done.    Or if she NEVER gets through the process.     It still has nothing to do with me.     It is her personal problem and unfortunately.    It is affecting me greatly.

Our MLCer's are lying their way through an incredibly difficult time in their lives.     I don't believe all of them are capable of figuring out what is wrong with them.     

Since this is the case.    It is imperative that we work on ourselves.    We plan for a life without them in it.      We get in touch with our own TRUE identity.   

Not the identity of figuring out what is wrong with our MLCer.     Not the identity of just surviving this.

This is our time to figure out what we really want out of life.     How we choose to live.    What we want our lives to stand for.

If this is going to be successful on any level.   It has to start with us.

[Lanzo]

Is xW happy ?

I don’t know, I’ve not been in her presence since the divorce last May and I’ve only spoken to her once, even though she doesn’t live too far away with MIL and she will be a bit closer when she moves into her own house.  I am NC and I avoid seeing her and I ask D13 not to tell me what’s going on with her. 

Before xW moved out of the FMH I did see a text from her to OM#3 saying she was happy because she had finally got her divorce, she had got her identity back and she was having regular sex with #OM4. She has since moved on to OM #5 and is in love (again) so not sure what that says about her.

She has not blown her divorce settlement money, she has actually used it to purchase a house (with a bit of help from MIL)  things are going her way so she could claim to be happy, any how I certainly don’t see any signs of her crashing yet.

Lanzo

[Blondie]

I definitely want my H to be unhappy because his treatment of me has been cold and callous. I'm not usually vindictive in any way. I don't know if he is happy, going by smiling FB selfies then yes, but his own Ds wont talk to him and he seems to have cut off his family and friends because none of them like OW so I'm thinking he must be quite stressed about the whole thing. He buries things well though and runs away from problems.

[Lanzo]

I certainly want to see xW unhappy, I want to feel vindicated for all of the cr*p she put me through some petty, some childish, some really cruel and hurtful. The affairs the lies and all the other stuff.

One of the last things she did to me was to remove all spare bedding from the house, soak my bed and duvet with water, then after an argument she called the police and said that I assaulted her. When the police interviewed her and ask if I had hit her she said NO….. but I wasn’t afraid to.  Sorry but that whole incident still sticks with me.

So on the face of it to her family and new friends she is happy, I don’t want to see that which is why I go NO Contact.  I can’t carry on  waiting for her to fall as I know Karma works on a different timetable to me and is not ready for her yet, so I just have to get on with my life and carry on.

Lanzo

[hawk]

I went I started this thread it was more about our thinking.  Do we post on the board our feelings of our H's being unhappy because we are wishing for that hoping they are getting through the tunnel or maybe their relationship is fizzling out, etc.  I don't think if I asked my H if he was happy he would say.  He hasn't said much of anything to me about anything else  so he wouldn't share that either. 

I think on some level we want them to be unhappy because of the agony they've inflicted on us. We want them to be miserable in their other relationships because it vindicates us.

I have a couple of friends whose relationship started as an affair. They are extremely happy together--defied the statistics. They have been in the back of my head throughout this entire process. What if he and OW are one of those couples?

Maybe she is his soul mate and all of that. I used to be convinced he would one day come crawling back. Again, it's about vindication. Of course we want our spouse of so many years to admit he f***ed up. But there are no guarantees, and we have to accept that, too.

Yeah know what you mean. l've asked myself all the same what if's about mine and om. The fact they made it over 12mths was pretty depressing . Not sure now , bit over 2yrs , if they are or aren't.

One thing that worried me right through is that ex is normally a very good judge of character and pretty fussy about who she mingles with.
Maybe she got lucky with hers .