Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: huntergirl on May 09, 2015, 10:52:10 PM
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I continue to read everything here to keep me strong. I don't know where I would be without knowing I have a safe and supporting place to go each day, so thank you to all of you. Since there seems to be such a "script", I felt like I had to make a list of the script I am living with because I am trying to get over each item on this horrible list.
I love you and care about you but I'm not in love with you; I don't have that "in love feeling for you.
I am not happy and have not been for a long time.
You were never affectionate enough.
I need time and space to get my head on straight.
I don't want to worry about anyone else except myself; I've always had to take care of everyone else.
I need to work on myself to become a stronger and better person.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know what the future holds.
There are no guarantees for the future.
I know I am being very selfish, but it's just how it is. It's time for me.
Just move on with your life.
Yes, I want you to wait for me to get my head figured out.
Sell the house and move on.
I don't know if you should sell the house, do what you want.
All I do is work and sit in my apartment and listen to music or watch movies.
I know my new truck payment is stupid but it's MINE! I will work 7 days a week if I have to because it's worth it.
I'm sorry things are the way they are.
I'm so sorry for all the hurt and pain I've caused you; you don't deserve this.
You just never stop; you always blow everything out of proportion.
Here we go again, what do you want now?
Maybe someday you will be able to give me a hug.
We are not together so don't kiss me.
I will remain faithful to you through this; I'm not thinking about that right now.
I'm not thinking about you or our relationship right now at all.
I'm taking one day at a time.
I know I probably will crash and burn.
I know I will probably regret this and I'm probably making the biggest mistake of my life, but I'm willing to risk it.
I'm will to risk losing you forever.
If down the road we are together, great, but right now I don't know.
I will not leave you high and dry, I would never do that.
I've lost so much weight and I'm not going to lie, it feels great.
No, there is not anyone else in my life, I don't want to be with you or anyone right now.I just want to be alone.
Yes, I think I have depression. I am seeing a psychiatrist. We are working on dealing with stress. He says your text messages stress me out.
Some days are better than others. I have good days and bad days.
I love you, you're a great person.
I'm not going to talk to you everyday or anything.
Why don't we just give it some time.
There are times I think of you.
There are times I miss you and our home, but I have my own routine now.
If you want to take me off your health insurance than do it.
I put my new truck on your insurance policy.
I only changed my address because I needed my new truck information mailed to me. The address change is temporary.
You just push me farther away.
I was going to stop by the house but I saw a car in the driveway and didn't want to intrude.
I'm sick of feeling guilty.
I need to find myself.
I need to deal with my own demons and issues.
This has nothing to do with you.
You didn't do anything wrong.
You didn't make me happy. I just want to be happy.
I never told you to wait for me or put your life on hold.
You can send me short text messages or have short and normal conversations with me but that's it.
I don't want any drama in my life.
I am thinking about going back to being a DJ at a bar.
It probably isn't a good idea for me to be in a bar.
I'm spending more time with my family (parents, grown kids).
You're the only true loyal person I have and I know you would do anything for my family.
My family doesn't want anything to do with you.
I have not told anyone anything about us.
Some people want to know why I am still paying the mortgage.
I don't talk about you.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm messed up in the head.
I'm doing ok, I'm fine.
I want to just do what I want with my friends whenever I want without having to explain anything to anyone.
You were always good about letting me do whatever I wanted and never cared about me hanging out with my friends.
You have to control everything.
We've grown apart. People grow apart.People change.
Life goes on.Get over it.
I needed to make this list so I could actually see the script for myself and see how utterly contradicting and ridiculous it all sounds. I needed to see that I couldn't make this $hit up if I tried. I just needed a list to make myself feel better for me.
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That's quite a list. He must have memorized the entire handbook. ::)
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I often wonder if he is happier without me... lately I'm mainly worrying about my survival and I'm feeling sad at his complete change. He is angry and hateful. On those rare times when he writes to respond to my email he point out something he obviously didn't like about me. Ie: You have always done been..... If he didn't like all these things about me, why did he stay so long??? Why never tell me? I think I'm more confused now than I was 2 years ago.
H told people all kinds of things about me during the first months after BD and probably before so he would be excused for his behavior. It was hurtful and I still feel shame, :-[ but I know I have no control over what he chooses to say and who chooses to believe him. He recorded our arguments for at least 2 years before BD without me knowing and I can just imagine what he did with them??? He loves looking like the victim the good guy who was abused by his selfish wife. Poor MLcer!!!! ??? Of course, his family, friend's and alienator must not have wanted to acknowledge that there is something wrong with someone recording you without your knowledge. He would instigate an arguments and then record me knowing that my Italian temper was explosive. I've never heard H say mean things to me during our years together but after BD he let it all of them out, as if he must have been keeping it all in and exploding??
If he acted decent and kind I would tend to think that he is happy but you can't be angry and miserable and mean and be happy. Happy people, love people. Hurt people, hurt people. You seem to be handling things well huntergirl. Living in the moment is so important but so hard for me to do. This may be teaching me patience which I never had :-[ :-\. ..God speed. Hugs SW
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Does show how messed up they really are. A very comprehensive list
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Wow!!
He must be the original writer of the MLCer manual they pass around.
I've heard about 1/3 of these. Mine didn't finish the book. ::)
I'll thow a few more in.
" I can't see the future, it's all in a FOG "
I can see the past, but can't see ahead.
If we were perfect, I,would have still had to do this.
I dont know why I'm doing what my father did. :o
If God didn't want me to do this, he wouldn't let me feel this way about OW.
I dont dont do anything without consulting God first.
You can't make this crap up.ughh
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I have to laugh!! If they could only hear themselves, they'd check into an insane asylum! Now over a year post-BD, I've heard all the scripted lines and I can really LOL! Not that I'm happy about my H's MLC, but I'm glad it's not me with the wobbly brain. I don't tell my family or friends the audacious things that come out of his mouth because I still protect him. I keep all his texts and emails in case one day he wants to read a funny book!
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It's a list of excuses which can be infinite.
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Yes I can relate to a lot of those things being said, no doubt a lot of others can too.
Its actually good that you wrote them all down, I had forgot a lot of them, it brings it all back because as time goes by you start to just pass some things off as normal you get so used to it.
Of course when I saw your list this morning I am thinking to myself no definitely not normal.
Who does this stuff, oh! yes hang on a minute someone in mlc.
They even seem to have this crazy level of understanding over it albeit a rather mixed one, like something is driving them and they have no control, which I do think happens, they know on some level it is wrong but continue anyway.
Concentrate on taking care of yourself HG and try to stay out of his way, secure as much as you can financially and hope for the best eventually but know it takes a lot out of you, he is going to do what he thinks he has to regardless of anyone or anything.
Its very sad but you just have absolutely no control over it all, what you can do is make yourself your priority so that if he gets through you will be strong enough to cope, if an ow turns up I know you will hit bottom, we all do, for your sake I pray you are one of the ones who doesnt have one but it doesnt matter how upstanding he was before this he is not that person for now.
Know that sometimes you will also find you will be dealing with a child, not your adult husband, he will throw strops and you will be left scratching your head.
Treat him with kindness but do not allow him to walk all over you, stick up for yourself in a calm manner that states boundaries on any bad behaviour.
Its not easy and it is crazy.
x
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I've heard all if these.
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My X, for the first time in 4 years gave me a Mother's Day card, signed from my dog.
I said..it was a nice card, and gift.. but why was it only sent from my dog (we have 3 dogs together...1 lives with me the other 2 live with him)?
His answer...well the other 2 are my dogs. ::)
Still not right in the head.
Don't expect anything your H says to make sense, hunter. My list could have sounded a lot like yours.
Just keep taking good care of yourself.
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Sadly, I have heard just about all of these too.
So I think in a way it reassures us all that this is their crazy journey - not ours.
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Haven't heard that many thank God .
But some of mine were mlc script from what l can tell but some were also legit things that had been going on with us.
lt was about 50/50 really and so has how she has been since we split.
About 50mlc type stuff and about 50 sort of normal for a couple that have split up after so long.
So tbh , to this day l am still not sure if mine is actually mlcing ,or if she legitimately just felt we should split up .
We are divorced now , which she pushed from about 16mths onward.
2 an 1/2 yr now and she still seems to be going on her way with life and me not in it .
So there are a lot of things that just seem like the hard path splitting up would just be anyway and what you would expect just goes with breaking up a marriage and with kids involved .
Maybe she was just tired and depressed, disheartened and felt like she just couldn't go on any longer .
Maybe it was all just as simple as l want outa this and nothing to do with mlc.
l mean there's a lot of unhappy married people out there that one day just decide they want out.
How do you tell the difference ?
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It may appear I am handling things well, but inside I hurt terribly. I just know I have to make myself a priority right now if I am to survive this. It seems now that I have gone dark, do has he. This makes me think he is happier without me and feels he made the right decision. I'm sure he is hoping he never heard from me again and can just quietly slither away. I'm getting worried because his financial responsibilities are a couple days away and I don't know if he plans on paying them. I don't want to contact him at all, but if he doesn't contact me about the finances going to have to do it. This will make me feel like a failure at being dark..
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hawk,
I thought the same thing UNTIL I heard him rewrite history. I was shocked! He actually revered to things that didn't even happen. That's what convinced me. It was very strange.
I guess maybe look at the things she is saying, or said about wanting a D. Were they true? Did her reason change.
My X had a different reason every few months. Completely different, like he forgot the original reason.
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I agree Hawk...How DO you tell the difference? Although I heard a lot of those on the list. I have stated these before in my own thread, but here are a few more:
(About our separation) "Maybe it will help me appreciate what I have."
"If we should end up divorced, we should get remarried someday for a 'fresh start'"
"If we should both end up remarried, we should have an affair with each other." :o :o :o
-T
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Wow, are we married to the same person? I swear I heard almost exactly the same lines.
It really shows how script this all is. (shaking my head).
It too brought me back to it all. I can't believe looking back how I survived all that confusion and pain with statements like that and the actions that went with it.
Stay strong and realize that if we all have heard the same if not similar statements that there is more to them just wanting a divorce. There is something bigger at play than the marriage.
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Yes I recognize a whole lot of these.
Thanks for writing this down!
Still wondering how rational men (my H was one) can change towards so unlogical in the first place.
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Fully understand the inside hurt. We put masks on to protect ourselves, we can do this etc, give ourselves a little strength, there's only so much pain we can take before tipping over the edge.
I think the mlcer forces us to break NC by the very thing you are concerned about. Its a subconscious game.
From your list on the other thread, they don't think rationally at all and change their minds frequently. You have to sort the finances for you. Use NC for your benefit.
You are not a failure, this is unknown territory and you do the best you can.
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Wow! What a list! At least he expresses himself.
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After huntergirl made her list, I decided to make one too since mine is different.
I thought you didn't like me anymore.
I needed a soft place to land.
I gave up on our marriage too soon..
I think about you all the time.
I cannot see us not getting back together.
Happy anniversary!
I treasure our memories together.
We were badass together.
I'm glad you came into my life.
The fat lady didn't sing yet.
Yet he is still with OW and has not made any physical efforts to reconnect.
Is it any wonder I'm having trouble detaching?
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Hawk,
I don't know how to tell the difference between MCL and someone who simply just wants out. I go through this in me head every day. I also wonder if it matters. I mean, ok...maybe he is MCL, but if he wants out and doesn't recognize his MCL....does it matter if he is MCL? I think he knows something is "off", and he admits this, but what he thinks is "off" is me. He thinks I am the cause of his unhappiness even though he will tell me, he is not happy with himself. He has said things like, " If I can't be happy with myself, I can't be happy with anyone else", or " I have to fix myself before I can happy with anyone". Looking back, I can see so many red flags and so many times that I knew he had inner demons and wasn't doing anything about them. About 5 or 6 years ago, I learned he had a terrible gambling addiction. To the point where I kicked him out and told him he could not return unless he received treatment. He had been hiding it from me for over a year. Makes me wonder now, what else he was hiding. He ended up in a psych unit for 3 days and called me. He was at rock bottom. We worked it out and he came home and has not gambled since. I can look back also and see his "flirting, testing, and baiting" of other woman now as well. Makes me wonder if he was ever faithful. Others years ago, used to tell me he was just a "player". Maybe I should have listened. He seems to have always been looking, searching, or running from himself, trying to fill that space inside of him that is damaged. Maybe he does finally see he has issues. Maybe its just another excuse to be selfish and manipulating. I don't know. I have also saved every text for a great book someday. I journal every single day and have a best seller on my hands..LOL It really helps me get my feelings out and I recommend it to everyone. I started to journal many years ago because it has always brought me peace...and I love to write. But..I tell you...this has been about survival, not peace. I miss him. I love him, but he doesn't love himself. Once when I told him that he didn't love himself, he agreed. If he doesn't love himself, he can never truly love anyone. I have been very supportive of him trying to "find himself" because I truly know he needs to. I know without a doubt, all his years of "acting out" have come to a point that he is now "messed up in the head" as he says. Part of me thinks thinks is an excuse for bad behavior when I am having a bad day. I often feel like I am waiting for BD day again when the day comes I learn he has OW. It will kill me. It will break me. It may also be the day I no longer stand. I don't know. I have supported him through so much already...and he agrees to this. I am not sure if I can continue to support him if OW comes into picture. I pray he is being honest but I do not rely on his honesty as truth. He was having issues with impotence when he left, and I know this makes no difference in OW coming into the picture, but I also think it's an issue he has not and still is not dealing with. When I have asked him about why he doesn't tell his doctor about this (he has been to DR.), he says...he doesn't need to tell his Dr. because he isn't using "it", doesn't have any reason to bring it up right now, but in the future if he "needs it", he will deal with it then...? Really? I don;t know where he is at now. I have been dark for 8 days and so has he....I feel no hope today and it scares me.
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I can understand why it's so hard to detach. It's so unfair of him to say those things to you when he is with someone else.
They just get so selfish. He doesn't even think of how this effects you. I'm sorry you have to listen to it.
Makes you wonder what he says to her.
Just try to let it go in one ear and out the other. He wants to make sure you don't move on.
SO unfair! >:(
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Wow...I don't know which list is worse. I'm so sorry. You know what else drives me insane?...Every single time he text messages me there is an over-use of exclamation marks. I get have a great day!!!! Take Care!!!! Happy Birthday!!! ...today I got Happy Mothers Day!!!!! Hope you have a good weekend!!!! I paid the bills!!! and my all time favorite...Thank you!!!!!!!.....I have even told him back whenever that his over-use of this makes him appear cold, rude, and selfish....he still does it. After 8 days...he contacted me a short time ago by text saying I could transfer money over from our joint account(my money is not in this account)to pay the bills that are due. His text: Just wanted to wish you a happy mother's day. If you could transfer money over , I will put more money in the account on Friday for the rest of the bills. They will be current!!!! I hope you have a good day!!!!!!
I want to vomit. I have not responded and I don't know if I should...Anyone?
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Everybody's gonna think I'm crazy, but I find his words comforting. They give me hope. Now that I've read some of the articles on this site, I know he's cake eating. Just don't know how not to get depressed if he stops doing it. Even after all this time, what I want most in the world is for the two of us to reunite. I know I need to detach and I know what it means. How do I get there?
As for the too many exclamation points- that's just weird. Does he text everyone like that?
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cat,
It's hard to detach. Easier if they are Monsters, or holding out no hope, but you are given these crumbs of hope from him. That's powerful stuff to us.
Of course that's what you want so detaching can feel really bad.
How about just going dim to start with....then maybe you can work towards dark or nc.
Detachment usually comes later when you're feeling stronger. It's all a process and we can only go by our gut and do things on our own time.
You'll get there. :)
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Wow...I don't know which list is worse. I'm so sorry. You know what else drives me Every single time he text messages me there is an over-use of exclamation marks. I get have a great day!!!! Take Care!!!! Happy Birthday!!! ..
I want to vomit. I have not responded and I don't know if I should...Anyone?
HG - I get those stupid texts with the exclamation points.
I think it is part of my H's "happy, happy, happy" demeanor.
He is overly cheery - like "ha ha - look at me - I ran away and now I am happy happy happy. Oh is something wrong? I don't know why you should think that - everything is just peachy".
Pffft - I could vomit - and NO - I don't respond to that junk.
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I'm curious as to how they all have the same or similar scripts? Mine has said many of those on your lists too.
My head is in a fog. My mind is going 90 miles an hour. I know everything I've done is coming back around. I'm no good. I don't want to hurt you anymore. Yes, I want a divorce, why would I have filed (but never completed the papers).
I also think it is MLC because of the way they act, get self-obsessed, ignore parenting responsibilities, do things he didn't care to do before, lose too much weight, the hyperness and then exhaustion, and the "dead eyes"
But what I don't understand, is that they are not on this site, don't read books about MLC, didn't ask to have MLC, but can be from all different parts of the world and still say the same things or very similar. How is that?
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Good question shimmer,
How can all these people be having the exact same psychosis? Like yours said, " head being in a fog"
Mine too! Cant see thru the fog.
Waiting for the loud to lift....geez
I think this is so freaking wierd, drs should be trying to figure out what's causing it. Can't be coincidence.
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Wow Thunder, a mothers day card signed by the dog? ;D
Seriously, you just can't make this stuff up.
You are light years ahead of me, mine hasn't mentioned mothers day for four years....
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They are complete in their overdrive. Not only with words.
My H is doing nothing, or everything.
Doesn't work out for months,then everyday, whole day.
Doesn't buy anything, now buying the most unnecessary things.
Judged everybody going through divorce without working things out, and now is being the worst example in it him self....
And I thought, there must be any insect in his head, eating his brain out.
But reading al this stuff....how is it indeed possible they all have the same script, all over the world, and doctors, psychiatrist, whatever don't work on it?
How come as I tell anyone what I think is happening, everyone says: don't you think you are just trying to find a reason?
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hawk,
I thought the same thing UNTIL I heard him rewrite history. I was shocked! He actually revered to things that didn't even happen. That's what convinced me. It was very strange.
I guess maybe look at the things she is saying, or said about wanting a D. Were they true? Did her reason change.
My X had a different reason every few months. Completely different, like he forgot the original reason.
Thanks Thunder .
Some were true but sort of exaggerated and not only but also putdown as unfixable and oh - we should split for that and this . yet in our sitch , it was just a bad patch due to stresses . so really , true or not l put them down as excuses bc most couples would have veen through them 10 times through their lives . just excuses to quit.
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Hi HG
My H has said some of these. His specialty at the moment concerns the actual time he decided to leave the marriage. Since BD I have heard:
I've been feeling like this since before Xmas. I don't know why I feel like this. I wish I could get back to how I felt before.
I've been wanting to leave for six months.
I've been wanting to leave for six years.
I've been wanting to leave for eighteen months.
I've been wanting to leave for the whole marriage.
I've been wanting to leave since the first date.
I know I've been all over the place with the time I've been wanting to leave. It's actually since the six year mark, since your sister died and you became distant.
[and my personal favourite...]
I've read on the internet that while men just up and leave, women usually plan it for six years. I was mainly raised by my mother and grandmother, so I think like a woman. That's why I've been wanting to leave for six years.
Hang in there HG!
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Bleakhouse, I have to say that last one was about the best I've heard. Thinks like a woman. Priceless.
(If only that were true, right?)
Mara, I got the same thing from people, even when I showed them articles on MLC. They would look at me like they felt sorry for me because I couldn't accept he just wanted out. ::)
I finally stopped talking to them about any of it. It was making me crazy. I didn't want their pity, I wanted some understanding and support.
long journey, it wasn't odd to get a Mother's Day card from our dogs. We don't have kids together. It was having the card signed by only one dog. Like he has separated them down to mine and his. :(
Kat, we all wondered that, about it being so universal. Them saying the same things no matter where you live.
I think there are several reasons for their crisis, childhood issues, aging issues and low T being the 3 main ones.
hunter girl, you're right...what difference does it really make?
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Oh yeah,
That look of pity. " poor girl, she just dosent realize he dosent want her anymore"
A few of my friends pegged him as MLCer. But most dont get me not " raking him over the coals " as one put it.
I agree thunder about the low T. Aging, and just whacked out brain chemistry. But the childhood thing I'm having a problem with.
His mom was a cold, unloving woman. His dad cheated thier whole marriage.
Looking at his and mine, mine was 1000 times more traumatic. So I don't understand that one.
Also, there's something physically I noticed with a certain, ummm body part..... :-[
Ok, so I'll just say it....... The last time he attempted a sexual encounter, I was shocked. He was about half the size he normally was. :o low t ??
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Hi Kat. It could be low T or just plain old erectile dysfunction, which is very common in men over 50 and even younger. That messes with their minds too. It's easily remedied with ED drugs like Viagra or Cialis. Still, some men still feel as though something is wrong with them because they have to take a pill. Some are just happy something now exists that helps. Can make them crazy either way.
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No cat,
Not erectile dysfunction.......the best I can say it is.....it shrunk.lol
Very wierd, definately not the one I saw for 27 years.
About a year before BD I found some enhancement pills,the ones from the convenience stores. In his glove box.
Very wierd.
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Very strange. Did he gain a lot of weight?
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Nope' he had actually lost about 30 lbs, getting all fancied up for the hoe. Now he's gained it all back plus some.
Drinking more than ever, puffy face, swollen ankles. Sad :(
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Not erectile dysfunction.......the best I can say it is.....it shrunk.lol
Very wierd, definately not the one I saw for 27 years.
According to WebMD, it can shrink with age!
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Really searching, geeez.......bummer.lol
I hope it keeps on shrinking! 8)
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Mr. MCL also has been having issues with his " body part". It began months before BD. He said he thought it was because of a recent hernia surgery he had at the time but it didn't get any better. When I asked him why he wasn't doing anything about it, he said because he didn't need it right now. Said he wasn't thinking about sex and didn't care.He eventually was tested and his T level was normal, but his vitamin D level has been very low for quite some time. I wonder if this has anything to do with it. He told me point blank that he had not had an erection in quite sometime. I'm sure he figured it was because he was not attracted to me anymore. I asked him about it a couple months after he moved out and he said the same thing...who knows maybe it's just all lies. Right now, I hope it stays broken.