Hawk,
I don't know how to tell the difference between MCL and someone who simply just wants out. I go through this in me head every day. I also wonder if it matters. I mean, ok...maybe he is MCL, but if he wants out and doesn't recognize his MCL....does it matter if he is MCL? I think he knows something is "off", and he admits this, but what he thinks is "off" is me. He thinks I am the cause of his unhappiness even though he will tell me, he is not happy with himself. He has said things like, " If I can't be happy with myself, I can't be happy with anyone else", or " I have to fix myself before I can happy with anyone". Looking back, I can see so many red flags and so many times that I knew he had inner demons and wasn't doing anything about them. About 5 or 6 years ago, I learned he had a terrible gambling addiction. To the point where I kicked him out and told him he could not return unless he received treatment. He had been hiding it from me for over a year. Makes me wonder now, what else he was hiding. He ended up in a psych unit for 3 days and called me. He was at rock bottom. We worked it out and he came home and has not gambled since. I can look back also and see his "flirting, testing, and baiting" of other woman now as well. Makes me wonder if he was ever faithful. Others years ago, used to tell me he was just a "player". Maybe I should have listened. He seems to have always been looking, searching, or running from himself, trying to fill that space inside of him that is damaged. Maybe he does finally see he has issues. Maybe its just another excuse to be selfish and manipulating. I don't know. I have also saved every text for a great book someday. I journal every single day and have a best seller on my hands..LOL It really helps me get my feelings out and I recommend it to everyone. I started to journal many years ago because it has always brought me peace...and I love to write. But..I tell you...this has been about survival, not peace. I miss him. I love him, but he doesn't love himself. Once when I told him that he didn't love himself, he agreed. If he doesn't love himself, he can never truly love anyone. I have been very supportive of him trying to "find himself" because I truly know he needs to. I know without a doubt, all his years of "acting out" have come to a point that he is now "messed up in the head" as he says. Part of me thinks thinks is an excuse for bad behavior when I am having a bad day. I often feel like I am waiting for BD day again when the day comes I learn he has OW. It will kill me. It will break me. It may also be the day I no longer stand. I don't know. I have supported him through so much already...and he agrees to this. I am not sure if I can continue to support him if OW comes into picture. I pray he is being honest but I do not rely on his honesty as truth. He was having issues with impotence when he left, and I know this makes no difference in OW coming into the picture, but I also think it's an issue he has not and still is not dealing with. When I have asked him about why he doesn't tell his doctor about this (he has been to DR.), he says...he doesn't need to tell his Dr. because he isn't using "it", doesn't have any reason to bring it up right now, but in the future if he "needs it", he will deal with it then...? Really? I don;t know where he is at now. I have been dark for 8 days and so has he....I feel no hope today and it scares me.
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