[huntergirl]

I continue to read everything here to keep me strong. I don't know where I would be without knowing I have a safe and supporting place to go each day, so thank you to all of you. Since there seems to be such a "script", I felt like I had to make a list of the script I am living with because I am trying to get over each item on this horrible list.

I love you and care about you but I'm not in love with you; I don't have that "in love feeling for you.
I am not happy and have not been for a long time.
You were never affectionate enough.
I need time and space to get my head on straight.
I don't want to worry about anyone else except myself; I've always had to take care of everyone else.
I need to work on myself to become a stronger and better person.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know what the future holds.
There are no guarantees for the future.
I know I am being very selfish, but it's just how it is. It's time for me.
Just move on with your life.
Yes, I want you to wait for me to get my head figured out.
Sell the house and move on.
I don't know if you should sell the house, do what you want.
All I do is work and sit in my apartment and listen to music or watch movies.
I know my new truck payment is stupid but it's MINE! I will work 7 days a week if I have to because it's worth it.
I'm sorry things are the way they are.
I'm so sorry for all the hurt and pain I've caused you; you don't deserve this.
You just never stop; you always blow everything out of proportion.
Here we go again, what do you want now?
Maybe someday you will be able to give me a hug.
We are not together so don't kiss me.
I will remain faithful to you through this; I'm not thinking about that right now.
I'm not thinking about you or our relationship right now at all.
I'm taking one day at a time.
I know I probably will crash and burn.
I know I will probably regret this and I'm probably making the biggest mistake of my life, but I'm willing to risk it.
I'm will to risk losing you forever.
If down the road we are together, great, but right now I don't know.
I will not leave you high and dry, I would never do that.
I've lost so much weight and I'm not going to lie, it feels great.
No, there is not anyone else in my life, I don't want to be with you or anyone right now.I just want to be alone.
Yes, I think I have depression. I am seeing a psychiatrist. We are working on dealing with stress. He says your text messages stress me out.
Some days are better than others. I have good days and bad days.
I love you, you're a great person.
I'm not going to talk to you everyday or anything.
Why don't we just give it some time.
There are times I think of you.
There are times I miss you and our home, but I have my own routine now.
If you want to take me off your health insurance than do it.
I put my new truck on your insurance policy.
I only changed my address because I needed my new truck information mailed to me. The address change is temporary.
You just push me farther away.
I was going to stop by the house but I saw a car in the driveway and didn't want to intrude.
I'm sick of feeling guilty.
I need to find myself.
I need to deal with my own demons and issues.
This has nothing to do with you.
You didn't do anything wrong.
You didn't make me happy. I just want to be happy.
I never told you to wait for me or put your life on hold.
You can send me short text messages or have short and normal conversations with me but that's it.
I don't want any drama in my life.
I am thinking about going back to being a DJ at a bar.
It probably isn't a good idea for me to be in a bar.
I'm spending more time with my family (parents, grown kids).
You're the only true loyal person I have and I know you would do anything for my family.
My family doesn't want anything to do with you.
I have not told anyone anything about us.
Some people want to know why I am still paying the mortgage.
I don't talk about you.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm messed up in the head.
I'm doing ok, I'm fine.
I want to just do what I want with my friends whenever I want without having to explain anything to anyone.
You were always good about letting me do whatever I wanted and never cared about me hanging out with my friends.
You have to control everything.
We've grown apart. People grow apart.People change.
Life goes on.Get over it.



I needed to make this list so I could actually see the script for myself and see how utterly contradicting and ridiculous it all sounds. I needed to see that I couldn't make this $hit up if I tried. I just needed a list to make myself feel better for me.

[MeNow]

That's quite a list. He must have memorized the entire handbook.   

[Strongwind]

I often wonder if he is happier without me... lately I'm mainly worrying about my survival and I'm feeling sad at his complete change. He is angry and hateful. On those rare times when he writes to respond to my email he point out something he obviously didn't like about me. Ie: You have always done been..... If he didn't like all these things about me, why did he stay so long??? Why never tell me? I think I'm more confused now than I was 2 years ago.

H told people all kinds of things about me during the first months after BD and probably before so he would be excused for his behavior. It was hurtful and I still feel shame, but I know I have no control over what he chooses to say and who chooses to believe him. He recorded our arguments for at least 2 years before BD without me knowing and I can just imagine what he did with them???  He loves looking like the victim the good guy who was abused by his selfish wife. Poor MLcer!!!! Of course, his family, friend's and alienator must not have wanted to acknowledge that there is something wrong with someone recording you without your knowledge. He would instigate an arguments and then record me knowing that my Italian temper was explosive. I've never heard H say mean things to me during our years together but after BD he let it all of them out, as if he must have been keeping it all in and exploding??

If he acted decent and kind I would tend to think that he is happy but you can't be angry and miserable and mean and be happy. Happy people, love people. Hurt people, hurt people.  You seem to be handling things well huntergirl. Living in the moment is so important but so hard for me to do. This may be teaching me patience which I never had  . ..God speed.  Hugs SW

[hard work]

Does show how messed up they really are. A very comprehensive list

[Kat0465]

Wow!!
He must be the original writer of the MLCer manual they pass around.

I've heard about 1/3 of these. Mine didn't finish the  book. 

I'll thow a few more in.

" I can't see the future, it's all in a FOG "
I can see the past, but can't see ahead.
If we were perfect, I,would have still had to do this.
I dont know why I'm doing what my father did. 
If God didn't want me to do this, he wouldn't let me feel this way about OW.
I dont dont do anything without consulting God first.


You can't make this crap up.ughh

[StrongerEveryDay]

I have to laugh!! If they could only hear themselves, they'd check into an insane asylum! Now over a year post-BD, I've heard all the scripted lines and I can really LOL! Not that I'm happy about my H's MLC, but I'm glad it's not me with the wobbly brain. I don't tell my family or friends the audacious things that come out of his mouth because I still protect him. I keep all his texts and emails in case one day he wants to read a funny book!

[MeNow]

It's a list of excuses which can be infinite.

[crazyjourney]

Yes I can relate to a lot of those things being said, no doubt a lot of others can too.

Its actually good that you wrote them all down, I had forgot a lot of them, it brings it all back because as time goes by you start to just pass some things off as normal you get so used to it.

Of course when I saw your list this morning I am thinking to myself no definitely not normal.

Who does this stuff, oh! yes hang on a minute someone in mlc.

They even seem to have this crazy level of understanding over it albeit a rather mixed one, like something is driving them and they have no control, which I do think happens, they know on some level it is wrong but continue anyway.

Concentrate on taking care of yourself HG and try to stay out of his way, secure as much as you can financially and hope for the best eventually but know it takes a lot out of you, he is going to do what he thinks he has to regardless of anyone or anything.

Its very sad but you just have absolutely no control over it all, what you can do is make yourself your priority so that if he gets through you will be strong enough to cope, if an ow turns up I know you will hit bottom, we all do, for your sake I pray you are one of the ones who doesnt have one but it doesnt matter how upstanding he was before this he is not that person for now.

Know that sometimes you will also find you will be dealing with a child, not your adult husband, he will throw strops and you will be left scratching your head.

Treat him with kindness but do not allow him to walk all over you, stick up for yourself in a calm manner that states boundaries on any bad behaviour.

Its not easy and it is crazy.

x

[blackice]

I've heard all if these.

[Thunder]

My X, for the first time in 4 years gave me a Mother's Day card, signed from my dog.
I said..it was a nice card, and gift.. but why was it only sent from my dog (we have 3 dogs together...1 lives with me the other 2 live with him)?

His answer...well the other 2 are my dogs.   

Still not right in the head.
Don't expect anything your H says to make sense, hunter.  My list could have sounded a lot like yours.
Just keep taking good care of yourself.