Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Finding Hope on August 03, 2016, 08:30:58 AM
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I was just wondering if there can be a list of changes that others have made since MLC.
Just some of mine.
1. I don't react to EVERYTHING that's said about me.
2. I listen
3. I never give my option unless asked (learned that it's not necessary), you get a lot more out of live when you listen.
4. Gave up cussing (hard one)
5. Stop judging my family
6. Stopped expecting everyone to be perfect
7. Give more compliments when Mr. FH would do something nice instead of taking it for granted
8. Learned to be alright by myself.
9. Learned techniques to rid myself of OCD.
These are just a couple, my list was very long
FH
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Important ones for me:
Found ways to manage my anxiety.
More willing to confront my fears and try new things (parasailing, Ferris wheel, ferry to another country)
More comfortable in my own skin.
More spontaneous
Improved relationship with my kids, extended family, and dear friends.
Learn to give people the benefit of the doubt - assume neutral intent.
Still love to curse though 😄
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Pretty much everything on RT and FH list, but also I would add:
Learned to become more compassionate
Learned to be in present moment more often
Boundaries
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One big one I forgot. Learned to GAL for the sake of getting a life. Early on if I did something I wanted to be sure H knew so I could prove I was fun. Now I do it because I want to whether he hears about it or not. Simply enjoying life to be enjoying it.
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I'm learning I'm a work in progress.
I'm learning to ask for help when I need it and getting better at it.
I'm learning to recognize when I need to set boundaries, not just for myself but for others.
I'm learning that I can be at peace with myself from time to time and that it's ok to feel my emotions and move through them.
I've learned that I can do things on my own and figure out problems and create my own solutions.
I've learned that I can make it on my own.
More to come, I'm sure.
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Seeing the light
OH BIG ONE, learning to do things for myself. Car, home repairs. You can find anything on youtube 8) ;)
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Seeing the light
OH BIG ONE, learning to do things for myself. Car, home repairs. You can find anything on youtube 8) ;)
Right! And you can also just ask the people at the hardware store. LOL
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I think I've mastered the art of patience ;D
To have boundaries
Not to be a fixer
Not to enable
To live in the moment - (still have to work on that one at times)
To allow myself to feel and acknowledge my emotions
To validate H when he does something right (I see now that this was lacking a bit before BD)
The biggest one for me - To respond and not react.
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Looking at all of your responses, I would say I would love to "learn" each and every one of those things you all list. But alas, still a work in progress. I do find I am more compassionate these days. And introspective.
And yes, still curse. A lot. ;D
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One thing we should all learn is just how strong we are. Life keeps kicking and we keep rising!
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One thing we should all learn is just how strong we are. Life keeps kicking and we keep rising!
Agreed!!!!
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I am now more of the person I used to be before meeting H. Over time his anger and constant fighting dragged me down but was so subtle...always my fault of course ::)
I see him leaving as a gift now. I didn't at first and would have done anything to have him home. He is a vanisher and gone completely from our lives. We have struggles but overall we are in a happier place. I now work and am the sole income earner which can be stressful but love my independence which was always there but emerged once again once he was gone.
I used to think we needed him to make our family whole and complete. Now I realize that him being here kept us broken. We are happy with our little lives, as simple as they are, but most of all we have peace.....for now. Priceless!
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This is good to think about!!! I'm skinnier from the Alana's diet!!! I am slower to react. My focus on what is important has definitely changed!!!
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GAL for me because I matter
learning to just listen,
learning to love - really love - the people around me as they deserve
getting "it" a bit - life is not a race to perfection,
just letting things "be"
looking at the world around me, instead of moving through
trying to be less needy (hard, and some of my friends would probably say I have a long way to go here lol)
forgiveness - for myself, for him
not being so self centred - there are others who have it worse.
oh yes - and the weight loss - woohoo for that one!
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I see that you're making all good changes. I believe this is why we we're touched by MLC. Truth is, there's always changes we can make to make us better people.
GOOD JOB
FH
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This is a good thought-provoking thread. These are the some of the changes I think are still a work in progress:
* Learning to respond, not react, is probably the biggest for me
* Reducing the demands on my time and energy, leading to less stress
* Learning to be the one to reach out to nurture friendships
* Learning I don't need to be the first to give my opinion; and don't need to give me opinion at all (OK, still really working on this ;D)
* Growing my spiritual life
* Practicing 'benefit of the doubt / "assume neutral" (thanks RT!)
* Learning to peel away what is really bothering/triggering me
* And the weight loss and exercise was pretty good, too
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I've been around a long time. Long enough to think my changes had been made during H's crazier moments (you know the score; detach, GAL, mirror, etc.)
We've often heard that we don't cause their MLC, it's not our fault. A long time ago, and what I've quoted so often, is that we are part of a situation, and by changing our own reactions (the only ones we are responsible for), we change the situation.
Obviously I didn't cause my H's narcissistic behaviour. But perhaps I made it worse, by being too nurturing (an echo to his demands) and then too furious (which is narcissistic and causes a more narcissistic response by my H).
There is a better way; healthy narcissism, which means we believe we can succeed, deserve respect, etc. and don't get furious OR too helpful. I'm still learning not to get mad, and not to try to win arguments, and not to bend over backwards doing everything for him.
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Nice to see you again Mermaid. 8)
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Nice to see you again Mermaid. 8)
You too, FH!!! ;D ;D ;D
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Never did figure out that quote thingy ::) :P
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I agree with Lighthouse.
Not to be a fixer
Not to enable
That's the toughest for me. I'm a big time fixer.
So hard to be at his house and see it falling apart. A HUGE part of me wants to clean it or do something, but I don't.
I walk over the mess and do nothing. ::)
What makes it doubly hard is, working a lot of overtime coupled with his depression it keeps him exhausted most of the time. I know he doesn't have the energy to do all he needs to do. I feel sorry for him but I have to keep reminding myself he wanted this, not me.
The house is his problem now.
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I believe the one common thread that we have is we have all tried to be fixers. I have a friend that was on this site, we became like mother and daughter. I gave her homework. I asked her for one week not to give her opinion, when she got together with friends and family to just listen. I tried to explain that she didn't need to have an opinion about EVERYTHING (and I know I use to too).
Well, she went out with her girlfriends and when they started talking about things, and it was usually their other friends, my friend just sat there and listened. After a while her friends kept asking her what was wrong, she would say nothing. Then they started asking her if she was mad.
After a week of not giving her opinion and just listening, she found out a lot more about her friends and their lives then she knew. She said that she found out too that her mother wasn't happy in her marriage.
She called me and said, I cant believe that I never listened to my friends and family, not really. That she was too busy trying to fix the problems while not really caring about what was being said. She thought that she knew what they were going through but realized that as soon as they started talking she was trying to fix things without really knowing the problem. Because you cant talk and listen at the same time.
I know that I was guilty of that. So, now unless I'm asked my opinion, I NEVER GIVE IT, and that's because it's not my job to fix them. Not my husband, not my girls, no one. I'm there to support if wanted.
FIXER, yup I was BIG TIME
FH
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Finding Hope, wow, just wow. Such a powerful message and really reiterates why we are supposed to just sit back and listen to our MLCer. I've been doing this pretty well with my H but have come to realize that I need to do it with everyone, not just him. Otherwise, it doesn't become a habit, it becomes just another thing I'm doing that would fade with time because I'm only practicing it with one person, if that makes sense.
Thank you for sharing the story.
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STL,
Hardest thing for me to learn was to keep my mouth shut. We all learn from our mistakes, we keep helping the people that we love never will. Thank you for the kind words
HUGS
FH
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Finding Hope: That was my hardest lesson also - keep my mouth shut.
I learned that "anyone" in your life can let you down and lie to you.
I learned that I never want to be a #2 to anyone again.
I learned that I lost myself caring for my husband and his career (for which I now get no credit)
I learned that I had become timid with age and wasn't as curious and adventurous as I had once been.
I learned that I want to leave a mark on the world and will find a way.
I have been humbled by this experience. I lived a very good life but it wasn't the gift I thought it was.
I learned that a broken heart actually causes physical pain.
I learned who my friends were
I learned that when I am healed I will be much stronger and much smarter.
I learned that, although not perfect, I am a very special and loyal person, and I am proud of my commitment to my marriage. It failed because it takes two to build, not because of me!
I learned that given what I know now, I would have made different choices. I will try not to make that mistake again.
I learned that I am very vulnerable and must be careful in interactions with new people - not everyone has good intentions.
I learned that noone in my life, no matter how much they love me, can understand the devastation I walk in everyday - except my husband, who created it.
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Shining Star,
I see what you've learned, what have you changed? From the things that you've learned, there should come change.
FH
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SS that's what I am working on learning!!! Great post! I don't know how I could get through this without the HS community!!!!!!
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I see what you've learned, what have you changed? From the things that you've learned, there should come change.
FH, isn't that the truth. Learning to change what I have control over, and deciding if I want to change it or not, has been a crucial lesson for me as well. I think that's where compassion for self and others comes into play... I can't own everything that is happening, I can only own what I contributed to the "party" and then I have to decide if I would have done things differently. If so, then I change the way I do that going forward. If not, then I accept that it is what is, and go forward too with that acceptance for Self.
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Changes in me.
1) I've learned to respond instead of react...(or at least try to, sometimes things are just SO outrageous, I still react, I'm working on that)
2) I've learned while my H is a major part of my life, he is not my entire life. His issues are a) not my fault, b) not my responsibility to fix/help
3) I've discovered me again, happiness again, thankful for the small things
4) Got a new job in a new career I absolutely love and seriously thinking of obtaining a masters in it
5) It's hard yet I'm still learning the art of detachment
6) I use so much I've learned here is other aspects in my life. for example, if someone violates me, even in a small way, I place a boundary on the behavior kindly, and they get it, stop it and respect me for doing so.
7) I meditate most mornings now which puts me a soothing joyful, calm, peaceful mode that can last all day
8 ) I live in the now
I give thanks for RCR and all here for helping me during this turbulent time!
Probably so many more things, yet that's all I can think of right now :)
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All good changes, keep up the hard work, the rewards are worth it
FH