Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Jackolar12 on February 06, 2017, 08:27:49 PM
-
Mid life crisis has no empiracle evidence, therefore it evidentially does not exist! Whatever.
However, we know it does ? What the f££k.
My perspective is that MLC addresses the good ness of fit of your particular relationship. Which initially could have been fine but developed over time to be all consuming and overpowering.
Soooo what do YOU do, well you evaluate your situation and chose vastly differently alternatives which naturally upset some significant people in your life. You want to finally be your authentic self whatever the cost! So you totally redefine and construct your life for the better?
You have put up with society and family expectations of your expected behaviour socially and it has now come to a stage where it no longer works. So you Rebel against the administration. You run looking for a better goodness of fit for your new life. It works for a while and your happy with your new choice. But eventually you new found energy depletes and you are back to square one, your old self! Was the journey worth it ? You tell me!
Jackolar 12
-
I can't say I disagree with this, Jack. :) 8)
-
You have put up with society and family expectations of your expected behaviour socially and it has now come to a stage where it no longer works. So you Rebel against the administration. You run looking for a better goodness of fit for your new life. It works for a while and your happy with your new choice. But eventually you new found energy depletes and you are back to square one, your old self! Was the journey worth it ? You tell me!
Jackolar 12
I've read this argument several times and while I believe it could very well be the case for some, in my husband's MLC it is the exact opposite. He always did his own thing. He was very different from someone in his culture, naturally. In fact, even with very little exposure to people from my culture before he met me, he was very similar to someone from my culture from his natural personality. Even marrying me meant going up against the opinions of society and most of his family.
His MLC is a great deal related to societal, cultural and family pressure to conform after returning to his hometown after spending more than half of his life living elsewhere, coupled with personal circumstances of ours that we could not control but left him outside the cultural norm. He used to tell me he would never succumb to that pressure even though he knew he might face it. That was when we lived in a different part of the country on our own. And now he has succumbed, and he has clearly made himself miserable in doing so. Because his MLC is about NOT being his authentic self.
-
My conclusion after all this time is that some could be a combo of stuff in all that J but often also combined with simply just not being happy in the marriage itself or of what life had become.
l think mine was that combo bc l hadn't been happy in my marriage or life myself either for 2 or 3yrs and l wondered just wtf to do too.
My ex was a different person and most of the things l loved about her had just changed and a lot of the changes l didn't like at all.
And l know me and that stuff was all a huge part in ex's decision.
We also had a lot of stress and would you believe she went into early menopause and depression too , 39.
So just how much of each thing was mlc or unhappiness or menopausing , l'll never know.
l know most here said yep she is def' mlc but our marriage had become what it did too and l'm sure l can see that in a lot of the stories through hs but maybe their h's or w's were just silent like mine was about it , hell l was silent about my feelings too. l didn't know what to do.
Well , l don't think l've mentioned it on hs yet although a few friends here know privately but mine we found out has married the om sooo, l guess that might say that it was more about our marriage than mlc.
Don't worry l'm use to the news l found out awhile ago now and although l wanted to try and turn our marriage around before bd, l'd given up on ex and R since a long time ago .
Yeah things still hurt and effected me but how could anyone not be sad about losing their family and marriage whether they were happy or not, that was the difference for me.
But as l come and went for my d l also saw ex continue to change and that also helped me bc l was still not really liking anymore the person she'd been becoming over the years anyway even after bd.
So maybe she simply left and gave up on her marriage after all , l'll never know l guess. The om has already been married twice and has 4 kids to 3 different women buttttt, people still seem to think he's a decent bloke soooo, maybe she just got lucky.
Maybe it was all still just a conscious decision for the better for her even with the combo of everything going on, who knows.
-
This is interesting. I also believe my h is having an mlc although I also believe he had valid complaints in the marriage that he never spoke up about until the surprise bd. Had he spoken up about them I also would have spoken up about my issues.
I believe everyone has issues in a marriage. It is how you deal with them that makes the difference. I was willing to work on it and try to fix the issues while my h was just wanting to run run run and stick his head in the sand. So that is what he did
That is the part that is the hardest for me to get over. Mlc or issues I believe you should really try to work it out with your spouse by working together. That way you can say well I did everything and if it doesn't work out you can have a clean break and be done with it.
-
You have put up with society and family expectations of your expected behaviour socially and it has now come to a stage where it no longer works. So you Rebel against the administration. You run looking for a better goodness of fit for your new life. It works for a while and your happy with your new choice. But eventually you new found energy depletes and you are back to square one, your old self! Was the journey worth it ? You tell me!
Jackolar 12
I've read this argument several times and while I believe it could very well be the case for some, in my husband's MLC it is the exact opposite. He always did his own thing. He was very different from someone in his culture, naturally. In fact, even with very little exposure to people from my culture before he met me, he was very similar to someone from my culture from his natural personality. Even marrying me meant going up against the opinions of society and most of his family.
His MLC is a great deal related to societal, cultural and family pressure to conform after returning to his hometown after spending more than half of his life living elsewhere, coupled with personal circumstances of ours that we could not control but left him outside the cultural norm. He used to tell me he would never succumb to that pressure even though he knew he might face it. That was when we lived in a different part of the country on our own. And now he has succumbed, and he has clearly made himself miserable in doing so. Because his MLC is about NOT being his authentic self.
How do you know that? How do you KNOW who his authentic self is? I am not sure some days I know my own authentic self? I think sometimes people like your husband who run so hard from something, are in fact the ones most likely living a lie--trying to be something they ARE NOT, to prove they are not who they are, which is somehow, something they perceive as inadequate. One of my favorite truths in the Art of Loving by Fromm is that love is reflection of your self perception and that when you are young and incomplete, you love those who seem to complete you, but when you are complete you love yourself.
We all struggle, EVERY SINGLE DAY, with who we ARE, who we think we are, who we want to be, who others want us to be... And all the others want us to be something different. None of us can be the ideal person, spouse, mother, sibling, child, worker, friend. So, what wins, in this second, or the next minute? I don't even know your husband, but I guarantee neither you nor he knows who his authentic self is, because even a self-aware person knows that authentic person changes with the wind.
If your values do not clash every day, you have no values. If every day you do not wrestle with your dark side, you are in denial and your dark side is winning... Love and light, ll
-
I'll give you an example. My husband is in his 40s. And he has to ask his mother and siblings what the proper customs are in many social circumstances because he left home when he went to the university and never had any experience or exposure to what is done as a responsible adult in his hometown. He spent most of his life living in the same country but the customs are very different where we lived before and he gets angry at having to do the stuff he has to do here even now. He has a goal in his MLC madness but in order to achieve that goal he has to jump through a lot of hoops he doesn't like. He at one point a couple months ago was refusing to do something that is commonly done and said, "I don't care what the customs are as long as I am not doing something illegal or against my religion." In other words, he didn't care what anyone thought if he refused to do something that everyone here does. This is a man who is happiest if he can just come up, close the door and not have to deal with anyone or anything.
I know what you are saying about people trying to prove they are something they aren't. There are actually a lot of people here in this community that are like that because they work in fields where they are exposed to people from different countries every day and they act in ways that fit their stereotypes of people from those cultures when they interact with them because they think this will benefit their relationship with them. They are total caricatures and really I find these kind of people obnoxious and creepy and you can spot them from a mile away.
But my husband had virtually no contact with people from outside his culture when I met him. So he had no preconceived notions that he was trying to impress me with. He simply is really different from the average person in his culture naturally. That stood out to me the first day I met him. I could tell he TRULY was different from the fakers.
-
I think a MLT is very normal for people reaching midlife. You take stock of where you are, what you've done and where you want to go from here. Transitions can be very painful but I do think they change you, probably for the better.
A MLC is when this transition turns into a crisis. You have no idea who you are anymore or what you want. Huge confusion and depression set in.
You start doing very destructive things that are not good for your future or yourself.
They may very well end up doing the inner work they need to do and come out a better person, or they don't do the inner work they need to do and just come back to square one. The same person they were with no improvements....only losses.
I guess it all depends on how they handle their crisis. It takes courage to take that leap and work on yourself. Some people don't have that courage...so they just keep running, never finding their true self.
-
We all have a midlife transition. But not all of us have a midlife crisis.
Aside from those of us that have a MLC, we can't really tell you, can we?
However, I doubt this true self stuff and that it was what drove people into MLC. If it was so, they should had remained happy with their choice. They don't. They are depressed, they look terrible and they are miserable. So much for autentic self and being happy.
-
I have to agree with Anjae on that. I think some LBS imagine that the MLCer must be happy and in love with the OW or else why would they do what they are doing. But they aren't. They aren't any happier with the OW than they were with you. They may not even be any happier with the OW than you right now. Because the misery is inside of them and no one can get rid of it for them.
My husband did not choose OW because she was perfect for him in his eyes or his dream woman. He chose her because she was willing to accept him, and he truly believed his options were so limited because of his age and certain other factors. He has a really negative view of himself as a potential partner at this point in his life. And he said directly because of all these factors he felt he would not be able to attract just anyone. He was settling.
Contrast that to when he chose to marry me, he actually COULD have had anyone he wanted in his community. He was pretty much the most desirable bachelor around. And he chose to marry me from outside his community and this even made a lot of people angry at him.
I don't think MLC is about self-actualization. I think the MLCer faces some circumstances in their life, possibly a very specific circumstance, consciously or subconsciously, that they feel they must fix, and quick. They do whatever they think will solve that problem, but they are so focused on what they are trying to fix that they are blind to everything but that problem and they don't look at their life as a whole when they inadvertently start destroying what they already have and love about their life. It's like the walls of their home have come crashing down now and all sorts of issues that were neatly stored away or that had their place are now jumbled and out in the open. I think it is almost like a domino effect.
I sometimes wonder about MLC like chicken and egg. Which came first? Is MLC a syndrome that causes them to do all this? Or do they do some very specific thing that triggers the MLC as a whole?
-
Jackolar,
WTH? Haven't seen you in a while.
I get it. There is nobody. NOBODY. In the medical community, law enforcement, close friends, family.......... NOBODY will acknowledge an MLC! If we bring it up? If we offer MLC as an explanation?
We are the ones that are insane.
Nice to hear your alive.
Stay in the struggle. It will be over at some point.
Rugged
-
You have put up with society and family expectations of your expected behaviour socially and it has now come to a stage where it no longer works. So you Rebel against the administration. You run looking for a better goodness of fit for your new life. It works for a while and your happy with your new choice. But eventually you new found energy depletes and you are back to square one, your old self! Was the journey worth it ? You tell me!
That makes sense for those MLCers that start partying or going against what the LBS would expect of them.
However, many of them, like my MLCere create a very similar life but worse....
Mine bought a house and put himself into a corner of MORE responsibilities.
Then he lost his job (of 30 years), sold his beloved motorcycle (his gf won't ride), quit hockey which he LOVED ("too old", real reason is gf said "no"), lost relationships of friends of many years.... I could go on.
If he wanted to escape and live life, why did he paint himself into a corner? I gave him WAY more freedom than his girlfriend. Why doesn't he travel?, date several women?, skydive,.... something???
So what is he rebelling against? He has not done one thing since he left that he didn't do when he was home with me. Well, except cheat on me but he's been with this girl for over four years, so even that isn't exciting anymore.
Funny, I'm the one who ended up with freedoms that I never had and he is the one who is now in a cage.
-
That makes sense for those MLCers that start partying or going against what the LBS would expect of them.
Not even to those. Mr J is Mr Nightclub. He is miserable, he over drinks, he has far less freedom that before, he works days and nights, he does not stand OW2. He may be at the club, but he is a very unhappy, angry, unpleasant man.
-
Popular opinion drives humans.
What if there opinion means nothing to you?
Just a question
Where are you Jackolar?
-
My perspective is that MLC addresses the good ness of fit of your particular relationship. Which initially could have been fine but developed over time to be all consuming and overpowering.
The relationship becomes all consuming and overpowering? How? Why? Are you thinking that the MLCers allow themselves to become consumed and over powered? Or feel that way? How does one get to that point with saying something, anything to their significant other? Perhaps they simply consumed themselves (eating their own hearts out because they lacked the will to address what they thought they wanted). It's a thought.
Soooo what do YOU do, well you evaluate your situation and chose vastly differently alternatives which naturally upset some significant people in your life. You want to finally be your authentic self whatever the cost! So you totally redefine and construct your life for the better?
You have put up with society and family expectations of your expected behaviour socially and it has now come to a stage where it no longer works. So you Rebel against the administration. You run looking for a better goodness of fit for your new life. It works for a while and your happy with your new choice. But eventually you new found energy depletes and you are back to square one, your old self! Was the journey worth it ? You tell me!
Jackolar 12
Like a teenager needing to rebel because they don't want to blindly follow what their parents have dictated. But since they don't know what their authentic self looks like, they try on other selves for size. Maybe find a semi fit and they think it's right because it worked for someone else. But since it was someone else's fit, it doesn't fit them. Many will never know if the journey was worth it, because they didn't understand their journey in the first place. JMO.
-
Or they are chasing a pipe dream, a feeling. That feeling of being "in love", or whatever it is; they mix that up with true love, the kind that develops and lasts.
I know a female former MLCer who told me outright that had she known then what she knows now she never would have left; she just wanted what she thought she was missing, and ended up imploding her family. She says that she "woke up" many, many years later, I think after she had already re-married (her H didn't stand, he re-married pretty quickly), and looked at how she had hurt her H, her kids, everyone. She is fine, reasonably happy, but fully aware that she could have been just as happy, possibly happier, had she worked through it rather than run. And not caused such heartache and permanent damage to others. She fully refers to it as her "head up her backside" period in life.
But that is the crisis. A transition is when you DO work through it. And are aware that it isn't all about just you.
-
Or they are chasing a pipe dream, a feeling. That feeling of being "in love", or whatever it is; they mix that up with true love, the kind that develops and lasts.
I know a female former MLCer who told me outright that had she known then what she knows now she never would have left; she just wanted what she thought she was missing, and ended up imploding her family. She says that she "woke up" many, many years later, I think after she had already re-married (her H didn't stand, he re-married pretty quickly), and looked at how she had hurt her H, her kids, everyone. She is fine, reasonably happy, but fully aware that she could have been just as happy, possibly happier, had she worked through it rather than run. And not caused such heartache and permanent damage to others. She fully refers to it as her "head up her backside" period in life.
But that is the crisis. A transition is when you DO work through it. And are aware that it isn't all about just you.
lt might sound crazy for me to say it. But l really worry for ex that could be her in a few years.
You know this guy , twice married , 4kids to 3 women , helped break up our marriage and l guess ex ran into his arms , not even a few wks break after20yrs with me,
l mean really , what do we think the odds would be that they'll be right for each other.
But , she was a good women underneath and she went through a lot with us and a lot with a bf before us,
you know , l'd just like her to end up happy , y'know,
Although l'd rather it was with someone else than fk face .
but l hope she hasn't effed up.
None of this is who she really was.
-
Hawk,
She will regret that marriage. 3 wives and 4 kids? It doesn't take a genius to see that that's not going to work. I hate to say this, but a lot of women think that it's going to be different with them. Why? I have no clue. I don't even want to have to deal with my EX again, and I'm really pissed that he moved back to the area. He left the AD/OW behind. Crazy.
Jackolar,
I feel you on this one. They way they chase fantasies, implode the marriage and family is mind boggling. They feel like they have to do it, and then regret it later. I don't know how anyone can live with themselves after doing such a thing, but I guess they find a way. I have a friend who has finally made it through the tunnel and his wife has found someone new. The divorce is eminent. He doesn't want it, but the damage is done. I watched him go from start to finish through the tunnel, and it wasn't pretty. Even as I was going through the effects of my XH's MLC, he still didn't wake up until it was too late. Now he doesn't want to lose his wife, but it is definitely too late.
I don't know about anyone else, but I have no clue who this person is that my XH turned into. He was a bit of a hot head while we were married. Dr Joseph Murphy, (he writes books on the subconcious mind) talks about people taking revenge or retaliating against their parents by taking things out on their spouse and kids. Interesting concept. Once his father died in 2105 he hit me with ILYBINILWY. So, I do think that has some merit. He was angry for much of the marriage, and didn't admit to it until the last few years. Guess who he blamed? I'm NC and will continue to stay that way until he starts to adhere to the divorce decree.
-
Great article from probably and MLCer.
‘Don’t be me and live with regret’: a man’s letter to other men tempted to cheat
Jacob* left his wife of almost a decade for a woman he had been romancing online. But the grass wasn’t greener on the other side. He shares his story with YOU.
“I was you 9 years ago.
I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.
We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.
I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.
We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she ‘got’ me.
This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.
Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.
I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.
She spent her free time taking care of us — our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.
Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie — everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.
We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!
I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual ‘Dad’ set up.
New beginnings
Life was sweet!
Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.
But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!
We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.
I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.
Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.
Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.
I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I’d treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.
If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.
She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.
I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!
Regret sets in
But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.
And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.
Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.
My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.
Too late
And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.
She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.
I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.
I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes — they got married.
My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.
She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.
It should have been me.
Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.
Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?
Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love.”
*Names have been changed.
-
Jackolar,
WTH? Haven't seen you in a while.
I get it. There is nobody. NOBODY. In the medical community, law enforcement, close friends, family.......... NOBODY will acknowledge an MLC! If we bring it up? If we offer MLC as an explanation?
We are the ones that are insane.
Nice to hear your alive.
Stay in the struggle. It will be over at some point.
Rugged
hey bro how you doing? Yep I am still in the ring hehe. I little more tempered in the fires of hell al be it. But I still have a pulse
-
Popular opinion drives humans.
What if there opinion means nothing to you?
Just a question
Where are you Jackolar?
hi rugged I am pursuing my Ba in midlife crisis WTF, people are getting warmed up over hear to it . I did a stand up talk
Today to a younger crowd and they got me thinking in a different perspective!
-
You know everyone I agree we get a better chance than the mlcer as we are still grounded people! Stressed, broken, despondent but still esentially whole.
-
Hi my3 . so he did move back, l'll have to drop into your thread to see the latest.
The h's are so different from the women mlcers.
In saying you don't know him yeah , mine was the same. It actually helped though bc although she is back to a bit like who she use to be , most of that seems long gone these days.
But yeah , l wonder where the hell this could go with the om. 3rd marriages working out stats are almost zero let alone someone with he's record , can't help bur wonder.
J , l'm sorry actually that you are still in this . It's something like l was trying to explain in my thread last night that ex's adventures have given me closure actually and at 4yrs , l just wanted that once and for all and , l got it.
Maybe that's why it didn't really effect me bc l always promised myself l will not go past 4yrs living like this. l wanted it done , one way or another and it has released me once and for all and now l feel l can finally get on with life.
-
Well folks it has been a week since my last post and thank you all for your contributions. I did another midlife crisis talk today in university and the younger element were aware after a weeks intensive study of the MLC YUK!
One told me of her mom and dad recently getting back together after 25 years married to someone else,way to go the outliers are outside of the 5-7 years. Again I think it is all about the goodness of fit of the relationship to last that long and it may relate to the socionomic state of the affair/ remarriage. They are both just turned 50 and quarter life crisis springs to mind. In the USA has Midus undertaken a most recent survey lately?
-
Anoyher younger person told me of a relative who was sooo prim and proper, a real Judy garland who suddenly ditched her business suit, got tattoos and started an affair with her sons best friend, nothing unusual in MLC land really, just run of the mill replay I think!
Hey Rugged wake up !!! I got the coffee on cowboy!