[ruggedendurance]

Jackolar,
WTH?  Haven't seen you in a while.
I get it.  There is nobody.   NOBODY.   In the medical community, law enforcement, close friends, family.......... NOBODY will acknowledge an MLC!   If we bring it up?  If we offer MLC as an explanation? 
We are the ones that are insane.

Nice to hear your alive.

Stay in the struggle.   It will be over at some point.

Rugged

[nah]

You have put up with society and family expectations of your expected behaviour socially and it has now come to a stage where it no longer works. So you Rebel against the administration. You run looking for a better goodness of fit for your new life. It works for a while and your happy with your new choice. But eventually you new found energy depletes and you are back to square one, your old self! Was the journey worth it ? You tell me!

That makes sense for those MLCers that start partying or going against what the LBS would expect of them.

However, many of them, like my MLCere create a very similar life but worse....

Mine bought a house and put himself into a corner of MORE responsibilities.

Then he lost his job (of 30 years), sold his beloved motorcycle (his gf won't ride), quit hockey which he LOVED ("too old", real reason is gf said "no"), lost relationships of friends of many years.... I could go on.

If he wanted to escape and live life, why did he paint himself into a corner?  I gave him WAY more freedom than his girlfriend.  Why doesn't he travel?, date several women?, skydive,.... something???

So what is he rebelling against?  He has not done one thing since he left that he didn't do when he was home with me.  Well, except cheat on me but he's been with this girl for over four years, so even that isn't exciting anymore.

Funny, I'm the one who ended up with freedoms that I never had and he is the one who is now in a cage.

[Anjae]

That makes sense for those MLCers that start partying or going against what the LBS would expect of them.

Not even to those. Mr J is Mr Nightclub. He is miserable, he over drinks, he has far less freedom that before, he works days and nights, he does not stand OW2. He may be at the club, but he is a very unhappy, angry, unpleasant man.

[ruggedendurance]

Popular opinion drives humans.
What if there opinion means nothing to you?

Just a question

Where are you Jackolar?

[OffRoad]

My perspective is that MLC addresses the good ness of fit of your particular relationship. Which initially could have been fine but developed over time to be all consuming and overpowering.

The relationship becomes all consuming and overpowering? How? Why? Are you thinking that the MLCers allow themselves to become consumed and over powered? Or feel that way? How does one get to that point with saying something, anything to their significant other? Perhaps they simply consumed themselves (eating their own hearts out because they lacked the will to address what they thought they wanted). It's a thought.

Soooo what do YOU do, well you evaluate your situation and chose vastly differently alternatives which naturally upset some significant people in your life. You want to finally be your authentic self whatever the cost! So you totally redefine and construct your life for the better?
You have put up with society and family expectations of your expected behaviour socially and it has now come to a stage where it no longer works. So you Rebel against the administration. You run looking for a better goodness of fit for your new life. It works for a while and your happy with your new choice. But eventually you new found energy depletes and you are back to square one, your old self! Was the journey worth it ? You tell me!
Jackolar 12

Like a teenager needing to rebel because they don't want to blindly follow what their parents have dictated. But since they don't know what their authentic self looks like, they try on other selves for size. Maybe find a semi fit and they think it's right because it worked for someone else. But since it was someone else's fit, it doesn't fit them. Many will never know if the journey was worth it, because they didn't understand their journey in the first place. JMO.

[Trustandlove]

Or they are chasing a pipe dream, a feeling.  That feeling of being "in love", or whatever it is; they mix that up with true love, the kind that develops and lasts. 

I know a female former MLCer who told me outright that had she known then what she knows now she never would have left; she just wanted what she thought she was missing, and ended up imploding her family.  She says that she "woke up" many, many years later, I think after she had already re-married (her H didn't stand, he re-married pretty quickly), and looked at how she had hurt her H, her kids, everyone.  She is fine, reasonably happy, but fully aware that she could have been just as happy, possibly happier, had she worked through it rather than run.  And not caused such heartache and permanent damage to others.  She fully refers to it as her "head up her backside" period in life. 

But that is the crisis.  A transition is when you DO work through it.  And are aware that it isn't all about just you. 

[hawk]

Or they are chasing a pipe dream, a feeling.  That feeling of being "in love", or whatever it is; they mix that up with true love, the kind that develops and lasts. 

I know a female former MLCer who told me outright that had she known then what she knows now she never would have left; she just wanted what she thought she was missing, and ended up imploding her family.  She says that she "woke up" many, many years later, I think after she had already re-married (her H didn't stand, he re-married pretty quickly), and looked at how she had hurt her H, her kids, everyone.  She is fine, reasonably happy, but fully aware that she could have been just as happy, possibly happier, had she worked through it rather than run.  And not caused such heartache and permanent damage to others.  She fully refers to it as her "head up her backside" period in life. 

But that is the crisis.  A transition is when you DO work through it.  And are aware that it isn't all about just you.

lt might sound crazy for me to say it. But l really worry for ex that could be her in a few years.
You know this guy , twice married , 4kids to 3 women , helped break up our marriage and l guess ex ran into his arms , not even a few wks break after20yrs with me,
l mean really , what do we think the odds would be that they'll be right for each other.

But , she was a good women underneath and she went through a lot with us and a lot with a bf before us,
you know , l'd just like her to end up happy , y'know,
Although l'd rather it was with someone else than fk face .
but l hope she hasn't effed up.
None of this is who she really was.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Hawk,

She will regret that marriage. 3 wives and 4 kids? It doesn't take a genius to see that that's not going to work. I hate to say this, but a lot of women think that it's going to be different with them. Why? I have no clue. I don't even want to have to deal with my EX again, and I'm really pissed that he moved back to the area. He left the AD/OW behind. Crazy.

Jackolar,

I feel you on this one. They way they chase fantasies, implode the marriage and family is mind boggling. They feel like they have to do it, and then regret it later. I don't know how anyone can live with themselves after doing such a thing, but I guess they find a way. I have a friend who has finally made it through the tunnel and his wife has found someone new. The divorce is eminent. He doesn't want it, but the damage is done. I watched him go from start to finish through the tunnel, and it wasn't pretty. Even as I was going through the effects of my XH's MLC, he still didn't wake up until it was too late. Now he doesn't want to lose his wife, but it is definitely too late.

I don't know about anyone else, but I have no clue who this person is that my XH turned into. He was a bit of a hot head while we were married. Dr Joseph Murphy, (he writes books on the subconcious mind) talks about people taking revenge or retaliating against their parents by taking things out on their spouse and kids. Interesting concept. Once his father died in 2105 he hit me with ILYBINILWY. So, I do think that has some merit. He was angry for much of the marriage, and didn't admit to it until the last few years. Guess who he blamed? I'm NC and will continue to stay that way until he starts to adhere to the divorce decree.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Great article from probably and MLCer.

‘Don’t be me and live with regret’: a man’s letter to other men tempted to cheat

Jacob* left his wife of almost a decade for a woman he had been romancing online. But the grass wasn’t greener on the other side. He shares his story with YOU.

“I was you 9 years ago.

I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.

I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she ‘got’ me.

This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

She spent her free time taking care of us — our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie — everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual ‘Dad’ set up.

New beginnings

Life was sweet!

Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I’d treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

Regret sets in

But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

Too late

And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes — they got married.

My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

It should have been me.

Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love.”

*Names have been changed.

[Jackolar12]

Jackolar,
WTH?  Haven't seen you in a while.
I get it.  There is nobody.   NOBODY.   In the medical community, law enforcement, close friends, family.......... NOBODY will acknowledge an MLC!   If we bring it up?  If we offer MLC as an explanation? 
We are the ones that are insane.

Nice to hear your alive.

Stay in the struggle.   It will be over at some point.

Rugged

hey bro how you doing? Yep I am still in the ring hehe. I little more tempered in the fires of hell al be it. But I still have a pulse