[Treasur]

Imho it is a marker of returning to being emotionally healthy when you can a) identify things that are damaging to you and b) reduce your exposure to those things. You don't need to understand why to know if something is bad for you. You just have to care about not taking the damage more than you care about what you might gain or avoid by doing so. The squirmy bits that force us all to get really honest with ourselves which is not always an easy thing to do.

In my case hoping that my h would return to normal if I did or said x or y....
And refusing to accept that he simply did not care what I thought or felt or what happened to me...
And not wanting to believe that he was the kind of person who could ever do x or y...

I did not want to accept these new realities so I kept exposing myself to further damage, shock and pain. Once I could and did, limiting contact was the only logical way to protect myself. And then the less contact I had, the less I saw the point of it so it became easier to do.

[Yellowroseoftexas]

It's strange how most of us instinctively are lead into no contact.  Nothing in my life prepared me for a husband that would/could do what he did.  Looking back in amazed that I was able to disconnect from the madness without knowing about MLC.

Husband and I went almost 5 years with absolutely no contact to periodically seeing each other a couple of times each month.  I'm not sure which is harder, contact or no contact.  With contact you see the lack of growth, unrepentant spirit and/or self-centered.  You may also see glimpses of the wonderful person you loved and married. CONFUSION!!!!!!!!!!

My situation is working out.  Husband is having his FOO at HIS house for Christmas.  Our children will be with him and I was invited.  I'm not going.  They all assume I'm going with a male friend.  I didn't
correct them. 

[in it]

Good  for you refusing the invitation.
Let them wonder yellow rose. None of his business anyway.
No need to play happy divorced family.

Excellent post as usual Treasur.

When you have had enough you will put an end to it. There is something to the phrase "what you allow continues."

It's not necessary to allow them access to you so they can inflict as much pain as possible. Lie, manipulate, be abusive. Then stand there like they haven't done anything.

Why they bother maintainng contact at all after treating some one so poorly still escapes me.. Kinda sick actually.
Better question is why would we want them to?

[Treasur]

Well done, Yellow, good healthy call.
So, on to the second bit of the equation....what ARE you going to do with your Free Self-Centred Christmas Day? Lounge with your favourite food and a good movie? Spend time with a friend you really like? Volunteer someplace that needs cheerful hands? Do something wacky and un-Christmassy like a long hike somewhere beautiful? Having been a mum and wife for so long, I bet you have rarely had many times when you can just say well, ignoring what anyone else wants/needs, what do I feel like doing?

[Penelope2018]

Yeah, I guess if you keep asking for it you're going to get it. Best to let sleeping dogs lie. My x found a way around nc by contacting my siblings to give him updates on what I do. My brother refuses to stop talking to him but doesn't know everything that happened and I'm not inclined to tell him so it's whatever. I know what you mean YellowRose about nc or no nc. It's hard watching them metamorphize from your spouse into a blowfly, on top of the abuse they heap upon you but the worry of not knowing what is happening is bad too. Logically I know none of that is my business anymore and I can forget about him for long periods of time especially when I'm "galing" but it's those moments when I'm all alone with nothing to do that I think "what is he doing," "is he really happy," "how did I lose half my life like this?" Then it's time to come here to rant and rave.

[in it]

Yeah I kind of like the phrases:

You cannot keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you are still in hell.
And
If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got.

It's not easy to come to terms and make peace with you threw so much of your life away on a jerk. If anything I came away with the lesson of knowing what I didn't want in a person or another relationship.
Once you stop focusing on them with your thoughts, it gets easier
 

And yes this is the place to come and vent.

[Yellowroseoftexas]

Penelope I went years without any contact.  So many dark days that I felt unworthy and less than any woman.  It's hard. 

Husband was at my house last night.  D20 made home made pizza, chocolate chip cookies and I had a glass of wine.  He's pleasant enough and we enjoy each other company.  He's starting to ask questions about my interest.  However, I'm not a person that share. It feels intrusive and makes me uncomfortable.  I give him minimum information.

I've noticed he seems to find a way to get an invite to my house.  I'm OK with that since restoration is my goal. 

Contact..........dark.........dim..........? This is hard folks. 

[in it]

Well if restoration is your goal then I guess you are doing the right thing for you. If you are unwilling to share anything with him I'd say you have some trust issues?
I'm not sure why your D feels it's ok to invite him over unless she runs it by you first? Or did she?

[Yellowroseoftexas]

In it she ran it by me first.  I said it was OK. 

Definitely have trust issues. Husband is law enforcement so I'm always afraid he's going to use something against me.  He know judges and lawyers personally. 

I have never been a person to share and I don't like to talk about me.  It feels very uncomfortable. 

[in it]

Ugh Law enforcement..yeah I personally would steer clear of him.
Trust issues create intimacy issues.
I would think you would have a more fulling emotional relationship with someone you could open up with. If you have fear of having him using things against you, I would think it's really hard to feel loved that way.