[Acorn]

Good post, Treasur!

It is understandable that the question is a difficult one bc it is underpinned by a need to be quite honest with ourselves about what we believe about the past, present and what we honestly feel is do-able in our future. And we reach different conclusions. Which is understandable too isn't it?

Yes, I couldn’t agree more with having to be honest. 
There is another tricky step, in my humble opinion.  It is humility. 
When puffed up with pride, truth sometimes lies hidden under it.  Remove pride, truth might be revealed.  Pride oftentimes is the proverbial wool over the eyes.

[lawprofessor]

Oh boy, Acorn, did you ever hit on an important step.  A step I found terribly painful.  The progression of MLC/LBS beats the crap out of one's ego until they understand the true meaning of pride and humility.  It tends to strip one bear of those things to allow them to be rebuilt on a firmer basis, and lacking the arrogance of youth. 

There I was so proud of my marriage to such a handsome, brave, accomplished, strong, military man, doctor, genius.  With tons of money that I could spend at will.  We owned 3 homes.  Traveled the world.  We talked of how great a love was ours.  We felt sorry for other couples we socialized with when they divorced and distanced ourselves from them when it happened.  We judged others as less.  Never seeing what could and would come.

I sat cloaked in my pride, fixing this and that, thinking I had the answers.  After all, I am intelligent, well educated, emotionally strong, good job, money, assets, and more.  I MUST be doing it all right, making the right decisions. 

Until one day I found myself standing in the rubble of my life.

I kept going back in my mind to how could this happen to me?  To us?  I'm smart.  I'll think my way out of this.  Surely this is a temporary blip!  Research!  Google!  Forums!  Follow instructions.  Wah lah.  Nope.  Each of my strengths, knocked down.  One by one.  Until I had nothing to hide behind. 

Schoooooooppppppffffff.  The sound of my ego and arrogance deflating.  None of the tools in my box were working.  It can't be!  It just can't.  I kicked and screamed metaphorically.  I fought it each step.  To no avail.

I had to let go of my illusions.  People weren't not helping me because they were mean.  They were helping me.  I just wasn't hearing them because my eyes and ears were clogged with pride and arrogance.  I stopped thinking of BUTS and excuses or problems or differences in their advice, their lives, and mine.  I stopped considering my situation as my being special or different. 

I hit bottom and the reality was none of the whys mattered.  That was all just mental games I was playing to avoid the hard work of rebuilding and healing myself so I didn't have to deflate my ego and embrace humility.  Excuses.  Explanations.  Justifications.  Depression.  PTSD.  None of that mattered in the long term.

Hearing what others said.  Finding the exit door out of hell.  Being willing to let go and accept you can't think your way out of this.  All the tools you proudly relied on are not going to give you the answers or solve this.  Those tools were overgrown, over inflated.  While other tools were absent or under inflated.  I had to start from bottom in order to reach a healthy balance of tools.  It's not my right or necessity or even my business to understand another's why's.  Make an informed guess and move forward.  I have enough to understand my why's to the best if my ability at the time.  Things may become clearer in the future or not.

And I had to accept that and let go.  There's a time when that's all one can do, choose to accept and move forward or continue to navel gaze waiting for an incomplete set of over inflated tools to give impossible answers.  It's your choice. 

My opinion,
Lp

[Believer]

Acorn and LP,

Oh gosh you guys nailed this one !
I had everything and more, felt I could fix everything and anything. Judgement, pride, blinders you name it I had pieces of all that too.

When I finally crashed because I couldn't fix what was once the envy of many. I laid in that rubble suffering the aftershocks for far too long.  Thankfully, I'm a much more humble and realistic person than who I was before. I've gone back and apologized to a couple of close friends who were there for me even when I refused to listen.

Hugs, Believer

[KeepItTogether]

PRIDE--of course! Seems so simple but I could never put my finger on it. Yes. Thank you for pointing it out. For a long time I was "humiliated" by my H's actions. That was almost as painful as the fear of being alone and missing my H. But not humiliated in a humble way. More like, "What will people think of me now that I have a failed marriage?" or "I'm no longer the judge's wife." So superficial. Well, one more to add to my list of things to work on.....

[Treasur]

Omg....yup.
Humility.

Until I hit my own flat face in the rubble moment....well, actually did it over and over tbh. Until I just had no more in me. 
I didn't start to heal until I let go of my arrogance and my pride.
No matter what I thought, I had ended up inadvertently married to a man who lost his marbles and at least partly wanted me dead. Or a middle aged cliche of an abandoned wife traded in for a younger blonde. That was reality. And I got played by a man in psychiatric care and a poorly educated bank clerk who believes in unicorns who 'won' when I 'lost' a lot. I struggled along sobbing and ill while they planned their wedding ffs.  My good heart, logical brain and Oxford degree made no difference at all lol. How the f**k did that happen to ME? And surely MY h/situation was diffferent right? Errrr. Nope.
The list of things I don't know? Huge. The mess of my life? Huge. My mistakes in dealing with this experience?  Huge.
Perhaps the hardest thing of all to let go was the self-evident truth that what I had done before was not working and I had run out of ideas and steam.
But it made life simpler and I got my self-respect back when I did. And then new hopes slowly came.
But I fought it every step of the way ha ha.

Now, to be fair, I don't feel like I 'lost' even though I had losses. And my h became someone who was no loss at all in that sense. I wouldn't have married what he became as ow did, that's for sure. Which is why standing for him made no sense to me. If I thought ow must be an idiot or delusional to marry the f'ed up mess he became, it made no sense to me that I should want him back.
But it is a very humbling thing to see your life blown up in front of your face and to feel quite helpless to do much about it 

[Father5]

   I can relate so much to this,

   My wife had money that she didn't have to twork for. I thought I was on easy street. I had a beautiful woman, great kids and a home on the beach. All of that has been stripped away. I am maybe for the first time in my life seeing what or who I really am. A lot of it I don't like but there is also tons that I do.



 

[Acorn]

Such thoughtful posts...  I continue to learn from posts that scratch well below the surface.

Honesty and humility make us vulnerable, as if one is standing before reality without any skin. I believe they are necessary if one is to truly heal and grow.  I think latest posts demonstrate the point. 

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I sat cloaked in my pride, fixing this and that, thinking I had the answers.  After all, I am intelligent, well educated, emotionally strong, good job, money, assets, and more.  I MUST be doing it all right, making the right decisions.

Until one day I found myself standing in the rubble of my life.

This so resonated with me at bomb drop. Different career, but same feelings, and my life was on autopilot and I wasn't watching the fine details. After, everything seemed fine.

Bomb drop was a large piece of humble pie. Afterwards, I became so much more empathetic to those around me. Realized that life can turn on a dime, yours, mine, someone else, or no one's fault. The rug can be pulled out from under your feet. I went from figuring out to blame to someone who just understood and felt the pain. To see different perspectives. To be humble and realize that I don't know everything and more often than not, I am wrong and I am not right. However, it is okay if I can accept responsibility for my actions and try my very best to right my wrongs.

I have read and really touched by the posts regarding this.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs))))

Ready