[stillbaffled]

OR - good to have an update from you! 

I enjoyed Bryce, Zion and Arches.  Have not been to Canyonlands but it's on the list. 

I had to look up the Zeen.  Glad it has been such a great help to you with mobility. 

I'm also in year 8 post bomb drop and life is, indeed, very good. 

[OffRoad]

It is so good to read all the wonderful things people are doing. There is something very calming? Spiritual? Satisfying? All 3? in pursuing an enjoyable hobby or adventure. Growing something you can eat has its own special quality, but also experiencing the outdoors or art or creativity is  nourishing to the soul, imo. I probably enjoy it so much extra because I thought I would never do much of anything except sit for the rest of my life. I have learned patience like I never thought I could (I do nothing fast anymore, and I used to do everything fast). My mantra is "one thing at a time ".

Life sends you odd things. Last September I was thinking of an old friend. Boyfriend from many years gone by, in fact. I hadn't connected with him in some years so I looked him up on line, found it interesting that he worked on Video games my son plays and thought maybe I'd ping him later and see how he's doing. Then life got in the way.

This September, I thought of him again. When I went to look him up, I found he had died just a few weeks after I'd looked him up the last time, and the final game he had worked on had just been released when I thought of him again.

This left me feeling very odd. In hindsight,  my thinking of him last September was telling me to contact him and I ignored it. Now it's too late. He was a wonderful and special man who used words like "oodles" and "Hakuna matata" before it was trendy (pre Lion King) and the world is a poorer place for the loss of him.  I can't figure out what I actually feel because I know we had met before and I know we'll meet again, crazy as that sounds. Sad for his family, for sure, but for myself, I just don't know what I feel except that I am a better person for having known him, and that I won't be passing up any opportunities to contact someone the next time I think of them out of nowhere.

[MadLuv]

Loss is a complex thing and when you also relate it to your past even more so. Something about losing someone who knew you when. Past relationships are a history that when they leave you lose with someone. I am friends with girls I have known since I was in 5th grade and there is something comforting in people knowing you. All of you. The you before, during and after. People that hold your memories are family.  No matter the distance that life brings about. When they leave they take part of it with them that can no longer be shared or reminisced or enjoyed. So very sorry

[FaithWalker]

I'm sorry for your loss OR.  I do understand the feeling of loss to connections from our past, and will also remember this for if I get the same feeling to reach out to someone.

[OffRoad]

Thank you MadLuv and FaithWalker. As one of those strange things that happen, shortly thereafter I heard from another friend I hadn't connected with in nearly a year. She just "felt she had to talk to me". Then my son said he was going to be in the area and wanted to get together. We talked for hours, and played on the new old Wii I purchased off of eBay (never used, had the 2006 date when I booted it up). Great find, I still like Link's Crossbow Training, Nerf N-Strike and Mario Cart.

XH just had a contemporary friend die. Per S24, it has really affected him.All I could say to S was "I'm sorry it happened." It's what happens when mlc people drink themselves to death. Alcohol toxicity is real. He went very fast, too. Seems like people are dying at a faster pace than they used to, but it's probably just my current perspective.

Looking forward to a trip to see the Monarch butterflies in Central CA. I went 7 years ago and it was incredible.

[OffRoad]

How time flies. My friend and I went to Monterey to visit Butterflies and for me to see the old Pebble Beach homestead. I also recently took a trip solo to traverse a corn maze in an electric wheelchair. So much to explain.

Long time readers know I've been having trouble with my legs since 2020, but in hindsight I can see it had been coming on longer ago than that. 2017 was actually the first time I was unable to finish a hike, and I wrote it off to stress. I have a diagnosis of Arthritis to get my disabled placard, but the problem is in my muscles, not my joint. No doctor has an answer. Certain muscles just seem to stop activating. I am of the "Never give up, never surrender" brigade and in 2022 was finally able to get some of the muscles to start firing again. In November of last year, the first muscle that stopped firing started firing again. Now, however, I do have joint problems because the muscles are so wimpy, but NGUNS.  I use a Zeen (https://gozeen.com/) to travel on anything flat (museums, attractions, stores, some outdoors) and an off road walker or now an off road wheel chair for anything that requires a lot of walking where there might be some hills or uneven terrain. That's background so the rest makes sense.

I lived in Pebble Beach (what my father called the dogpatch section)  in highschool. High school is one of those things that for most people was either awesome or horrible. There are a few middle of the roaders (it was just a thing you had to do, types). For me it was awesome. I lived in the trees, the beach was 15 minutes away and I could ride my bike anywhere I wanted to go (up hills, down hills- the thought of it amazes me now). My friend and I had gone for a visit many years ago, long before BD, and we decided to go again and see the Monarch butterflies.  I took my Zeen, but because the grove is so slanted, had to stay at the top and discovered if I just sat quietly for a considerably long time, I could watch the bundles of butterflies slowly warm up, unfold and separate from the butterfly "bunch" hanging on the trees. They'd come down slowly, drying their wings off and find a sunny spot to finish warming up (this is February in middle California, so chilly). Sometimes the sunny spot was on me. My friend wandered about, but I stayed in the same spot for probably and hour and a half and chatted with people, took pictures and reset my brain.

The following day we went out to Asilomar and drove around the beach. This was my first lesson in ADA does not always mean accessible. I found a blue label parking spot and got out of the car only to find out there was no way to the beach from that particular spot with any kind of walking aid. But I enjoyed the waves and reset my brain again.

The following day we had thought to go to an escape room, but Monterey is quite hilly and there was no parking lot, so we did not go. And once again, I reset my brain.

The following day we went in to Pebble Beach ( the 17 mile drive, or the all over the place drive for those of us who once lived there).  I started by driving up to my old house, I remembered there being tons of pine trees everywhere, and there were so few. I remember house being on huge lots with lots of space between them, yet somehow the houses were crowded. I could see areas I knew were forest before and now a house sat on it. My old house was where it used to be, with a new house crammed in on the side that used to have nothing. And the weirdest part? Houses that I remember being huge, were surprisingly not huge. ( our house was only 1800 sq feet and looked like a bad tract home). I took her on my bike riding tour, then down to the beach. I drove around to a place where this old log mansion burned down late in my senior year (it was boarded up, but that never stopped anyone from getting in. It was magnificent and scary at the same time). The lot it was on was now 8 McMansions and with the forest cleared was amazing to me how close to the water it was, how close to so many streets. Then we went to the Lodge and had dinner and it was exhausting just trying to get from the Blue label parking next to the dumpsters into the Tap Room at the Lodge. And we spoke with people around us who came to eat $100 steak dinners all by themselves 3 or 4 times a week and looked so lonely. At this point my brain was beyond reset, it was short circuiting. Nothing was as I remembered it, not really.

The following day we went to the Aquarium. Fortunately, I found street parking because once again, no parking lot for the Aquarium, and the parking to people use for it is up a side street hill with no elevator or special ramps (though they do have blue label parking), and i wasn't up for  trip down or up a 45 degree hill. The aquarium itself was very nice, and came very close to being accessible. I was still exhausted and the trip back to the car was close to half a mile ove ancient sidewalks, no two sections remotely level. So I asked my friend if she would please go get the car. When she finally arrives, she has a meter maid on her tail who took one look at me and zoomed off. She had been following my non disabled friend because she was parked in a disabled space with a placard. And I got into the car and reset my brain.

The next day my whole body ached, every muscle in it (which makes sense because I use every muscle with the Zeen), so we went and did a drive through the cemetery (we both love cemeteries). This one is so old it has some incredible mausoleums with stained glass and hand made tombstones. The care that went into making some of these was beyond words. And for the first time in the entire trip, I didn't have to reset my brain. It all looked exactly as it should and felt exactly as it should. And I closed the door on my high school life in Monterey.

Wait, what just happened there? My high school life was wonderful, My father was Navy. At the end of high school, we had to move and I didn't want to. In truth, everyone was going off to college anyway, but I didn't get to see that. I just knew I was uprooted from the only place I ever felt like I belonged and brought back to a city that didn't hold great memories to me. For all those years that sat at the back of my mind without my even really knowing it. And I could actually FEEL the door closing on that. Is this what they mean with the MLCers needing to close the door on childhood issues? Do they really mean closing the door on something that isn't finished?

Two years ago my D decided she wanted to sell at Renaissance faires like I used to. I had to give it up because my legs failed, but I went with her to sit in the booth when she needed a break. When tear down time came, it took us five hours (she had hurt her back and my legs were useless. It used to take me 20 minutes to tear down, pack up and be out of there). I had to lift the boxes to her, then she had to carry them to the car, then I had to move to the car and lift them into place. It was a joy. But when we were done, I had closed the door on selling at the Renaissance fair. The legs are done, I don't get to do that any more. I just hadn't realized I closed that door, but I had.

My friend and I were going to go on a corn maze tour this week. I purchased a folding electric wheelchair that is made to go off the beaten trek to traverse the corn mazes and hit a couple of National Parks (hiking used to be one of my favorite pastimes). Her husband ended up in the hospital so she was unable to come with me, so I shortened the trip. One of the joys of the Renn fair mentioned above was to go to a corn maze in the area and spend two hours in the dark finding the stations. (https://www.vosslerfarms.com/corn-maze-2024). And I was going this year, by gum. So I did. Scissors lift the chair out, and off I go. It would have worked if there hadn't been more people than I was expecting. I kept moving to the side and getting stuck, but I am still mobile enough to unstick myself, though people did help me twice.  I was about 3/4 done when I came very close to hurting someone. When the chair hits a bump, it does a random jump to one side or the other. my hand is on the joystick and that doesn't help, so I can't always control where it ends up. And I can't have that, hurting anyone, so I left and very sadly closed the door on the corn mazes, at least for now. I was going to head to Sequoia, but my body hurt so bad after unsticking myself a half dozen times, I gave that a pass this time, but didn't close to door on that.

I suppose the point of all this is that at this point in my life, with my legs not doing what I want them to do (though they are much better), I find that I had a darned good life and when I close the door on something from the past, there is only sorrow for what was and will never be again but the original memories remain. The good times, the joy, the fear, the sorrow, the sadness, the adventures, the things I once saw or experienced and may never again. I might see it differently now, but that doesn't change how it WAS for me at the time.

Just like my marriage. It wasn't perfect, but it was perfectly fine, with good and bad. And it is often hard for me to understand how the other half of that partnership cannot remember anything good out of it. And I think of how sad it must be to have 23 years of your life have no meaning at all.

[sachertorte]

Thank you for that generous and lovely sharing OR! I hope your health improves soon. You have so much grace and spirit it's wonderful to see.

I grew up in Silicon Valley, and made it down to Monterey quite a few times. I thought I detested high school, and then when I recently read the journal I kept religiously, I realized that I had a ton of breaks and so many caring peers and teachers. Doesn't mean the problems I contended with were not real; they were also documented and hinted at. But the radiance wins out.

Your musings show me a lot. I want to say as an immigrant to the US I can completely relate to the feeling of being uprooted. And yet I grew to love everything. I feel so much love in your descriptions, and remember seeing the butterflies and the water - in 1990, in 1996, in 1999 on my honeymoon (like yours, now discredited by the other person who owns that memory), and 2004. Let us be the only ones to remember. Like my journals, we have incontrovertible proof that, for at least us, joy transcends time and transient needs.

Hugs.

[FaithWalker]

We drove down the coast last Summer and I did enjoy Monterey and Pebble Beach and Carmel By The Sea.  We did not make it to the aquarium, which I regret.

The butterflies sound amazing.  I love butterflies.

I'm so sorry that things that you used to love are so difficult now.  It is very tough.  Struggling with our bodies not doing what they are supposed to do is so hard.  I have only had a few months here and there of some struggles with not being able to hike.  I feel for you so much.