Talk about being "too strong" it was the SAME for me; my husband told me he wanted to be needed; and in his eyes I didn't NEED him. I insisted that I did; but he was determined that I didn't; pointing out that I never asked him for help with anything; and maybe, wrongly, at that time, I pointed out that when I asked, he refused, and when I didn't ask, he got mad, so, I couldn't win for losing...that bought me the silent treatment, and more rejection from him.
It took me some time to figure it out; but for a period of time; after the affair ended; and he turned back toward me; I figured out that I HAD to become the OPPOSITE of what I had been; if only to meet that temporarily changed need for a time...and this was hard for me; because I was that strong...but for awhile, had to hide that strength within myself FROM him; act AS IF I were weak.
One of the lessons we learn, is not only to give help but to ASK for help, too; even if we don't want to.
While my husband was involved in his affair; I could NOT reach him; it was only AFTER the affair that I was able to show him the weakness he was looking for; so he would FEEL needed....in a sense, I became a weak "OW" only WITHOUT the sniveling, emotional problems, and such. I showed myself as the better option in the hopes that he would figure it out.
In time, as I continued to figure this out, I became able to put aside for a time, the sense of responsibility; although I still carried it, and things still got done behind the scenes; I learned to not burden him with anything like that; and just became fun; flirty; and asked him for help with anything and everything. I literally ATTRACTED him that way.
The strength in me showed again; but not until much later; when he really needed to see it in me. If I had stayed "weak" beyond the time I needed to stay weak; he would have run away AGAIN; and I knew that; just as I knew what he needed at any given time...and met that need in him.
It sounds like I stayed twisted up into a pretzel; but I didn't; like the bough of the tree, I learned to sway with the wind; turning one way, then the other.
This is all about meeting changing needs within the MLC spouse; the majority of men need to be needed; and because they perceive the LBS doesn't "need" them; they do go off and look somewhere else; it's wrong; but it happens; it happened to me, too.
I really was told that I was TOO strong; and didn't need him...and at first I didn't understand; but later, I did; as I learned to execute 180's for a temporary time in certain aspects.
I was willing to do WHATEVER it took to navigate us through to calmer waters; and it did help to know what I was dealing with; knowledge was power; and it still is.
In that willingness, however, I did NOT compromise my morals, values, nor my beliefs; and I was never called upon to compromise those.
And this, too, is all about timing within the crisis; there is a right time to show certain things; become temporarily in certain aspects, someone who is the OPPOSITE of what they were, knowing it won't last; but is necessary; because the MLC spouse is also on that quest to find that person they wish to spend the rest of their life with; and sometimes, it involves being someone for awhile you don't exactly like; like me not liking the weakness in me that had to come out to be seen, but it's all for the greater good; I saw that it was all good; this was the kind of help, my husband needed, in order to get past certain obstacles in his journey.
I know this is confusing; but I did this; didn't like it; but did it; and succeeded in attracting him. I had to lay my pride aside; my hurt feelings, and my perception of him aside, in order to begin this part of the process; and I wasn't certain it would work; but He said it would; so I did it, as He guided me through that part of the process.
It's all food for thought...and timing is everything.
One more thing; in a DIFFERENT aspect; the LBS is the stanchion,(Pillar of Strength), the Lighthouse; and the only person that stands steady for the MLC'er; and they DO recognize this; even as they do their opposite types of behaviors, say a number of things to try and influence the LBS to do some of things they are doing; or even try to run them off, yet, the LBS, in the MLC'er's eyes, is the STRONG one; that is WHY some continue to return; or "check" on the LBS as the crisis goes along...deep within, the MLC'er sees the LBS as that Rock they can count on.
Love,
HB
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Topic: 
appropriate consequences