[HeartTattoo]

The eleventh anniversary of BD passed by a few days ago during the haze of a mild flu attack, yet I woke today after one of those fairly frequent dreams in which H appears. As usual, nothing notable or symbolic, just one of those surreal yet mundane dreams.

It is the build-up to Christmas that is more triggering to me than the BD anniversary. The preparations take me back to our last family Christmas just 3 weeks before BD. I had felt some unease that season, which I had thought was based on finishing up a big volunteer project & worry about my kids traveling several hours home for Christmas. To lighten the mood I booked a weekend get-away mid-December at a picturesque historic setting. It was lightly snowing as H & I strolled around holding hands listening to lovely Christmas music.

To this day I don’t understand why H agreed to such an outing knowing as he surely did that he would be leaving within a few weeks. He could have easily put me off, saying let’s wait until after Christmas. Would the promised, yet never-to-be outing have been worse than the memories of that lovely weekend just a month before BD?

So, Christmas. The most festive time of year for many is the most triggering for me. Thanks a lot, H! I still love so much about it—my live tree & each decoration with its own memories, the simple outdoor decorations I put up to participate in the brightness of my street & neighborhood’s decorations. The gathering of my kids, my current companion, & his son. All of us have our “issues” with Christmas memories—some spoken, some likely unspoken, yet we gather to feast & play games & to be with the ones who want to be with us.

On a more pertinent note regarding detachment. Sometime back in early November maybe, older S was quizzing me about my health (which is fine) & then mentioned that his dad was sick. He was fuzzy on the details, but I got some sense of what might be going on. What is relevant here was my reaction. I didn’t quiz him for details (I don’t want H quizzing our kids about me). Aside from the empathy I would feel when hearing about anyone’s potentially serious health concern, I really had no emotional reaction & as we finished our conversation with my S mentioning his & his brother’s plans to visit their dad, I just calmly stated “I’m not part of this picture”. That’s it—I am no longer a part of the life led by the man I have known since girlhood, married at 20, & together built a solid life for 40 years. It still, & will always, sadden me. But it no longer knocks me over with shock & grief & physical, mental, & emotional pain. Life goes on.   

[xyzcf]

Good to hear from you HeartTattoo. May 2024 be a great year for you and your loved ones.

Christmas is good for me. Our family spends time together and it's so easy during those days....I have difficulty with New Years for I most often I am by myself.  I find that tough, especially after having my family around.

Each year I try and find something that I might want to do but have yet to come up with a good plan. I was supposed to go to my neighbors but their children were sick...so I binged watched season 5 of The Crown...felt angry at how Charles and the family treated Dianna....although some might be fabricated.

I don't want to be partying but just with other people would be nice. Most of my freinds are married or have families that live close by...I have choosen to live here and not closer to family so that is on me.

“I’m not part of this picture”. That’s it—I am no longer a part of the life led by the man I have known since girlhood, married at 20, & together built a solid life for 40 years. It still, & will always, sadden me. But it no longer knocks me over with shock & grief & physical, mental, & emotional pain. Life goes on.   

Good thoughts about all this...acceptance and letting go. Our lives do go on and we are not a part of their lives...I am in a very small way...but not in a day to day or way that really matters..except we can spend time with our daughter.

Always good to hear an update from others.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Each year I try and find something that I might want to do but have yet to come up with a good plan. I was supposed to go to my neighbors but their children were sick...so I binged watched season 5 of The Crown...felt angry at how Charles and the family treated Dianna....although some might be fabricated.

I have never been a big New Year's Eve guy. My wife and I made it to 9 pm and called it a night. Last year we were in another country and slept through a big celebration just down the street from us. Just another year.

On a more pertinent note regarding detachment. Sometime back in early November maybe, older S was quizzing me about my health (which is fine) & then mentioned that his dad was sick. He was fuzzy on the details, but I got some sense of what might be going on. What is relevant here was my reaction. I didn’t quiz him for details (I don’t want H quizzing our kids about me). Aside from the empathy I would feel when hearing about anyone’s potentially serious health concern, I really had no emotional reaction & as we finished our conversation with my S mentioning his & his brother’s plans to visit their dad, I just calmly stated “I’m not part of this picture”. That’s it—I am no longer a part of the life led by the man I have known since girlhood, married at 20, & together built a solid life for 40 years. It still, & will always, sadden me. But it no longer knocks me over with shock & grief & physical, mental, & emotional pain. Life goes on.   

Very good. I have reached the same point as well. My ex called me the other day out of the blue wanting to know if I remembered the address of one of her relatives and how to get to their place. Mind you, it has been nineteen years since I have spoken to said relative but I agreed to help. The next day, I google the relative and found the address that they lived at and it had not changed. I even got a couple of phone numbers. I texted the information to her and was done. Would have done the same for anyone. As you said, the angst, concern, and worry are all gone. Life does go on and your reaction and response is an indication of how much healing you have accomplished over the years.

(((Ready)))

[MadLuv]

To this day I don’t understand why H agreed to such an outing knowing as he surely did that he would be leaving within a few weeks. He could have easily put me off, saying let’s wait until after Christmas. Would the promised, yet never-to-be outing have been worse than the memories of that lovely weekend just a month before BD?

I was left right before the holidays as well being told he just needed no obligation and space. Divorced him in 90 days, but remained in communication and a “friend” in January we all as a family went to a NFL game. Traveled to another state to do so. He drove snd the kids and I flew.

He dropped us off back at the airport after the weekend and as we walked off I turned around and he was crying. I thought, what are we doing here? We were divorced 2 weeks later and he got engaged 4 weeks after that on the week anniversary of our daughters death.

Personally, I think they hate what they have become. These moments are to relive some guilt and also last moment. My XH when signing the divorce papers in our kitchen then told me he had to go to the bathroom. He didn’t use the one right off the kitchen but walked through the house and used the master bathroom, but he wasn’t gone long enough. I realized much later and he confirmed that he just wanted to see the house one last time.

Anyways, my view is that they can’t make their old life work. They want to, but they cant and so they just try and start over. I don think anyone can live a life for decades and bring kids in to the world and world and just walk off and be ok in any way. To do that you have to shut off so many emotions that how can you fully be engaged in your new life? I don’t think they can. Thats how I see it anyways

[HeartTattoo]

Thanks for responding, XYZ & Ready. Guess we're old hands at this by now--more or less. My detachment has its limits though. Fortunately H is a Vanisher. I don't think I could deal with the possibility of running into H & OW at the grocery or wherever. We don't have grandkids requiring us to show up in the same space & pretend it is all normal. I know some folks have to do that & do have that level of detachment.

I like knowing in general where they are & what the territorial boundaries are. Oh, I would handle some random encounter, but I just cannot accept that their R is normal--they know it; I know it. I don't like pretending at what I don't really feel.

XYZ, I think we all have times or places that are hard for us & it will probably always be so. Being alone can be hard; being with people can be hard; being with couples can be hard. Holidays, anniversaries, hearing a song, random thoughts. We've all got something that pricks our hearts a bit. I am just so grateful those things no longer double me over howling with pain or send my mind into a downward spiral.

Hugs,
HT

[HeartTattoo]

...as we walked off I turned around and he was crying. I thought, what are we doing here? We were divorced 2 weeks later...

I realized much later and he confirmed that he just wanted to see the house one last time.

Anyways, my view is that they can’t make their old life work. They want to, but they cant and so they just try and start over. I don think anyone can live a life for decades and bring kids in to the world and world and just walk off and be ok in any way. To do that you have to shut off so many emotions that how can you fully be engaged in your new life? I don’t think they can. Thats how I see it anyways

MadLuv,
I had very similar experiences with my H in the early days. Your last paragraph is just where I land. They can't make their lives work, so they opt out, & if they're "lucky" they find an OW to replay whatever part of their life they think they need to. If they are not a complete narcissist, but a half-way decent person, the shame, the sense of failure, whatever dark thing is in their heart seeps out. Maybe not often, but it's there.

Hugs,
HT