People do not seem to understand that standing is an action of strength not weakness. We might crumble but if we do that is because we are fighting against the pain inside, not ignoring it. I could say to myself Well I can't do any better than my H who treats me poorly now so let me try to think only of good things and pretend this isn't happening. But I won't do that because then my marriage would have not just one but two spouses who are practicing avoidance, and what chance would we have if that became my strategy? My husband is running from pain. I am willing to face pain right now because he has not found the strength to. I am doing it because it is what I would want him to do for me, were the roles reversed. What he has done isn't pretty but there isn't anything not covered by For better or worse. If there is then I totally missed that part of taking my vows.
Wed2Him4Ever,
Honey, you won't crumble under the strain as God is the source of the strength that comes from within yourself. Without pain there is no hope of gaining anything. I stood for my husband, but honestly, when I was going through my transition, I did not expect him to stand for me, I really didn't think he would; but I was wrong about that; in his own way, he actually did stand and wait for me to come through; and I have never forgotten that.
In spite of what he put me through AFTER I exited my own transition; that little detail I wrote above, told me something about him that he could never have voiced to me directly; he loved me enough to see and endure the shoe on the other foot. I didn't do some of what he did to me; but I did turn on him; just as he had turned on me beforehand. I didn't break my vows; but he endured me shouting and screaming at him when he would pressure me; he would back down at that point. He would try again later on to the tune of the same song; me raising red sand and cain at him for bothering me.
There was strength in both me and my husband that helped us deal with each other during the darkest times in our lives; and it really does take MORE strength to stand than it does to run away and start over somewhere else....me, well, I'm too old to train another; so I opted to try and keep what I had; I succeeded, but it was very hard on me; and at times, on him.
What you've written is a very excellent piece of wisdom echoing several things I've said in the past. Even though my husband set HIS marriage aside when he turned on me; that didn't affect MY VOWS that were taken so long ago.
You see the marriage/lives split into HIS, HERS, and THEIRS...each one with the problems, issues and aspects that were/are apparent; and these must be processed as part of each person's journey; whether it be the MLC'er, and/or the LBS...this is a seriously necessary part of the journey; and one where a breakdown or a "stop" can occur. Don't let the reality of yourself, your spouse, your marriage, and your past roles as a couple stop you from continuing to walk your journey to wholeness and healing.
This is another advanced aspect of the LBS Journey; one that I faced and dealt with the resulting positive and negative emotions; processing these completely within myself.
To finish my journey ALL issues/aspects had to be faced, the SAME as my husband had to do within himself; in order to come through.
This takes WORK and lots of it to process through and understand where you stood, they stood, and where you two stood as a couple.
You will be angry; filled with rage at times; this is part of it; it was NOT all smiles and laughter during your marriage; and this is the time you'll uncover painful and harsh truths on both sides of the equation; I don't care who you are.
The love you once held for the MLC spouse WILL be lost; it will return in a different, more mature way; but this is part of learning to love the REALITY, rather than the FANTASY you had built them into over the years of your marriage; putting them upon a pedestal that is only meant for GOD; not man or woman.
Like it or not, your MLC spouse is NOT the person you thought they were; and this is where most people BALK and don't wish to go any farther.
They are AFRAID of the truth as it begins to tug at the edges of their minds; and once the light of cold hard reality begins to dawn within regarding the person they once married; this fear shuts the door for the majority of people.
They refuse to go any farther; choosing then, to simply place ALL the blame for the failed marriage upon the MLC spouse. While it is true the actual breakdown rests upon the MLC spouse; each person truly does have their part leading up to this breakdown; and this is the reality that must be examined...but once you've examined you, and begun to change within; then it's time to examine the other party; your changes will bring to light what is wrong; and what you'll need to do to bring forth further change within.
For some people, it's too much to bear. It's easier to live in denial in that aspect than to start the changes, THEN, take a long, hard look at the person you married; and see them in all of their faults and flaws, further seeing what it was within you that was drawn to that person to begin with.
This does NOT mean you married the "wrong" person; nor does it mean that you made a mistake; true intimacy that comes after the crisis is past means you KNOW the one you married more completely should your marriage make it into the rebuilding phase.
If the marriage DOESN'T make it that far; you will have gained the tools necessary to discern the "red flags" that wrong behavior will raise; so you won't make the mistake of marrying someone that could give you grief down the road. The tools gained from this learning were/are meant to mature you; make you more knowledgeable in the way of human behavior; not only to deal with your spouse, but other people, too.
Every person has baggage, emotional problems; unless they have learned what the MLC/MLT demands from them, and this is wholeness, emotional balance, and a true understanding of what love really means....they do learn the Biblical meaning; and apply this to their relationship/marriage in the way it was meant to be.
I have learned that it takes one person to teach another; and this teaching/learning takes time; sometimes a lifetime to learn/teach all that needs to be learned/taught. The best vehicle for learning is MARRIAGE. Unless your life is threatened physically, or you're being beaten/physically misused....the emotional battering that is often endured during the MLC CAN be learned from; as this is where BOUNDARIES and LIMITS spring forth; and changes of behavior come about within one or both people.
Setting boundaries and limits are NOT hurtful to anyone; it may LOOK painful; but emotional pain has to come about in order to gain self respect. Even if you need to take steps to prevent wasteful spending, for example, in order to keep from going bankrupt; that is a limit/boundary/protection in itself; and is NOT punishment for the MLC'er....this is a form of consequences for them.
Surely, they don't think they can just keep going and going; until there's no money left for them to spend. Lose the fear, set the boundary; regardless of what you see happen, and understand that if the MLC spouse walks away because of it; you really have lost NOTHING; because the alternative would mean you would lose everything you have and need to live on.
Believe me when I tell you I have done this; I confronted and refused to allow him to keep spending; while I worked to make sure our household stayed afloat...sure, he got mad; but in time, he straightened up...it was my way or the highway at that point.
I sound hard and harsh, but I have LIVED these ASPECTS; and learned the wisdom and importance of seeing what my husband really was; only THEN was my love true when it returned; because I learned to truly love him, FLAWS, WARTS, and all.....honoring my vows as I was bound to do so long ago.
True, he did NOT break MY VOWS; he broke HIS; and he really did need to consider himself lucky, or even blessed that I chose to continue with him even after all he'd done, and all I seen once my eyes were opened to what he truly was.
The taking of vows is as individual as the individual that took them...and though it has been said to me before that I had NO obligation to my MLC spouse when he destroyed our lives, HIS marriage, and HIS vows through his awful, hateful actions toward me; I chose to take this harder road, and chose to stand for my marriage.
I have walked through the fires of Hell, endured emotional abuse equal to what I had faced as a child, was forced onto a path that I would NOT have chosen to take; learned to deal with his hatefulness, his controlling and manipulative nature, learned to protect myself in various ways from his childish wants and wishes, came down hard on him when the time was right to enforce boundaries I had NEVER KNOWN to set before on him, and most importantly of all, I learned what I was made of....God already knew, but I was left to discover the strength within me that I never knew I had.
But, you know we learn the most from the paths we are actually forced onto; if we had the choices in our hands, don't you know we would choose easier ways to take through this life; we wouldn't choose to suffer pain, anguish, loss; no one wishes for these things to happen; nor are they wanted.
Even I would not have chosen the various trials I went through; and I have seen some seriously deep physical pain(Childhood) and deep emotional pain within my lifetime; long before the crisis came about.
It is much easier to walk away, divorce your spouse, running from the pain that you know is surely to come if you choose the harder path...and you know, I was given a choice, so long ago; that choice repeated itself several times; each time I chose what I knew would be the harder path.
It really does take more strength to stand than to run.
I suspect the only reason people are asked whether they will stand or walk is simply because the advice varies between these two choices.
Standing is a personal choice, but it involves different advice than having chosen to move on, rather than forward.
Moving on STILL involves the journey to wholeness and healing; but everything is faced and processed through within a given period of time; whereas Standing/Moving Forward involves processing some things, and allowing others to stay "on hold" until it is seen whether the marriage will move toward renewing/rebuilding.
It becomes all about the aspects; not just the straightforward issues within the marriage that once existed; not to mention the issues within the couple, and the individual issues within each person that must be examined by each individual.
There are issues, then there are the aspects of each issues that are seen....and the aspectual pieces can be many or few, depending upon the issue at hand, just as there are issues and aspects within the crisis itself.
The sense of entitlement on either side; whether MLC'er or LBS will not get anyone anywhere; but a bad attitude; and a very lonely life. I found through this trial that I was NOT entitled to anything, that whatever I attained I needed to be grateful for, as even God will NOT feed a sense of entitlement; that is an arrogant aspect within itself...and pride and this sense of entitlement comes before a hard fall, and these are the worst enemies of both MLC'er and LBS.
If you can't lay down your pride, and/or sense of entitlement and humble yourself, recognizing that you are just as flawed as the next person; you'll find yourself cycling like a merry go around until you figure it out.
Pride and arrogance is also two of the biggest reasons MLC'ers usually choose NOT to return; it's hard for them to lay aside their pride, preferring instead to choose prideful, arrogant, entitlement; "it's my turn now"; attitudes to simply admitting they made a terrible mistake, and taking the consequences as it comes for their actions.
Even though some will come slinking back, crawling on their bellies, so to speak, don't think for one second they won't still suffer for their actions; consequences, like God is not a respecter of persons; it comes for all; good or bad, it always returns better or worse, depending on the actions sent out.
Each of you know your situations better than anyone; and regardless of the crisis that's going on; you KNOW your MLC spouse; but don't hide your perception of what's going on with them behind an "illness"; and tell yourselves they are "sick"...I assure you, they are NOT sick; they are out of control, in rebellion against you; and though they may act crazy at times; they KNOW what they are doing when they are doing it.
One last thing; don't sit and wait and do nothing for yourselves, not doing the work; that won't help you regain what you once had in your marriage; what you "had" is NOW GONE, DEAD, burned to the ground.
IF your MLC spouse comes all the way through; they will NOT be the same person you knew before the crisis; CHANGE has already occurred within them, even BEFORE the bomb was dropped on you, and this change will continue burning its way through until nothing is left to burn out; UNLESS they get stuck within the tunnel, and this is always possible.
They don't call it "The Change" just to give the MLC/MLT a better sounding name.
Don't let time get down the road while you simply sit and wait; let your waiting be proactive; and do what you're advised to do, get to it, time waits for no man or woman.
Believe me, I have been there...and I have seen people who got stuck in this on both sides; and years went down the road before they completely understood what they were going to need to do....for some LBS' it took losing the MLC spouse completely to remarriage before their eyes were opened. For some MLC'ers; they saw the loss of their spouse; and this caused them to go through the SAME anguish they put their spouse through.
For other LBS', comprehension hit them one day out of the blue down the road....for others, they finally decided to get out of the mudhole of self pity; and each one kicked themselves for wasting so much time in their misery...but there's no time like the present time to get on the road to wholeness and healing.
Either way this comes out, resolves or whatever path this crisis takes, life was meant to be lived; NOT put on hold for someone who may or may not emerge from the tunnel; so, hop to it; and for those who know the Lord, please understand that He is there with you and for you, regardless of how this trial may or may not resolve.
I realize this thread is a few days old; but that last post caught my eye; and here's my two cents worth, anyway.
Love,
HB
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Just a reminder...