I personally believe that NC is a bad thing for more than a few weeks, at most a couple of months. Beyond that I think it's just too easy for the MLCer to just move on with his life without settling anything.
I wonder about this too, but don't believe I had a choice or that some other forum members with vanishers do/did either. In my case, as soon as the OW's husband told me of the affair (with my longtime "dear friend" and mother of D's three closest friends), it was as though H had no reason to live the lie of being a happy family man anymore. Almost instantly he became cruel, detached and completely void of emotion for either me or D. He went full force into the affair in my face and D's while living under the same roof with us. It was excruciating and was done with a level of disregard that is appalling. OW left her H and three children and the two of them went fully back to teenagers, drinking, partying, traveling and going to hotels as much as possible. I used to drive home with D and right on the road to our house, would be their two vehicles side by side at the hotel. I would drive my traumatized daughter home with shaking hands, go in the bathroom and vomit from the shock and devastation, then make her dinner and try to comfort her, do the laundry, pay the bills...and leave the porch light on for him... For my sanity and survival, I had to detach. I was not going to follow them, ask questions or torment myself any more than he was already tormenting me. And I was not going to give OW fodder for her gossip with our mutual friends. Seven months into the madness, I asked him to move out. I was sick of the "prince" sitting on the guest room bed all day, eating all the junk food he could buy (can we say regression?), chatting away on the internet, then showering only to go see OW--never a word or consideration for me or D. Our home was a tomb and D and I were the walking dead. He was either going to take us into the abyss with him or I had to cut him and OW loose. D and I cannot be subjected to abuse.
He left in January 2011 with no goodbye to D or me, no forwarding address, nothing. I could have contacted him by cell phone or email, but I didn't. I would have crawled on bloody nubs at that point before I would ask him for help. Perhaps it was shortsighted of me not to try to engage him, but I had no more energy for monster and was not going to be the beggar in my own marriage and life. H transfers money twice per months, but otherwise is not in touch, nor am I. OW's H divorced her and she now has an apt. with her kids halftime. H is still living with a male colleague, to my knowledge. I have no idea if he and OW are still together, but assume so or that he is happily playing the field. A year after BD, I learned that OW was not the first or only adultery. I know of at least three and there are probably more. BD2 was equally brutal as I found out that the other close friend in my life, my biggest support and closest ally after BD, was indeed a prior adultery partner. Can you imagine? My confidante for the year since BD?
H is now moving forward legally and I am in the throes of legal paperwork. He knew that I wanted to save our marriage, but he has not shown signs of movement through the tunnel nor any desire to connect except to separate or divorce (Ironic, huh?). I could make an effort but I don't and I don't think it would be appreciated or reciprocated. He is too weak to see a way out of the mess he has created. His mode of operation, is to run from his messes rather than do the work to face and fix them. Even his child holds no incentive for him.
Maybe the NC has made matters worse but frankly, what could be worse than what he has done? I am coming to the conclusion that there seems something intrinsically "off" about those who go through MLC. They are often conflict avoiders, or compartmentalizers, poor communicators, or they don't connect deeply or authentically with people, lack empathy or intimacy (emotional), are self-centered or narcissistic, immature, need immediate gratification, are weak of character, will lie to avoid consequences, blame others to avoid accountability, or all of the above. And lest we too become avoiders and deniers, we have to see and name the truth. If we still wish to stand, that is our choice, but we at least owe it to ourselves not to paint a fictitiously rosy picture in order to run from the fear that the story we created of our life, spouse and marriage, was perhaps, in large part, an illusion.
For me, NC has been critical to my sanity and instrumental in providing the distance and time that provided the clarity. It is still very painful and I grieve, but to also endure H and my "friend" callously carry on their adultery and mockery of my family, friendship and marriage, in my face, is not something I can do. I may always ask "what if" I had worked to pave the way, but I did for awhile to no avail. And I think I would equally question the authenticity and longevity of a return that I had to initiate, cultivate and sustain alone, as H has always expected me to take care of everything. That isn't the kind of relationship I want. I want a man--a full grown, confident, strong, intelligent, funny, man of integrity and positive action. A selfish angst-filled pubescent doesn't cut it, and NC has solidified that realization.
I don't want to discourage anyone with a vanisher from standing, contacting, maintaining hope or paving the way, but I do believe there are circumstances in which NC is a saving grace even for extended periods. I would not have chosen MLC as the way to personal development, but it has brought tremendous lessons nonetheless and an awareness that all any of us can do sometimes is ride the waves and pray we don't drown.
May each of you receive the happy ending you deserve whether it comes wrapped in the original package or something better,
Phoenix
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