[HeartsBlessing]

Did he do all this just out of guilt? He's not living with me and chose to do all these things for me.

Purple, bear in mind that he's in a different place now; and his choosing to do something for you was not out of his guilt, but out of his heart...he still does love you; and he cares about what happens to you.

Don't you remember when he was deeper within the tunnel; he did nice things for you because he felt guilty?

That changes as they come forward...my husband was in Depression coupled with Withdrawal when son and I were sick; but he cared for us because he wanted to..he was in a different place at that time.

Remember where he is, before you draw conclusions..remember things CHANGE as they move forward; and he is in Withdrawal at this time...but still making time for you.

Bless your heart; I knew you weren't trying to analyze his actions, but it's hard NOT to, especially when someone is speaking for a different place in the tunnel.

But yours is truly in a much better place, now.

[HeartsBlessing]

I had nightmares. First someone was chasing me and I woke up a bit past midnight and realized my H hadn't come to bed yet - third time in three nights he stayed up later than I and past midnight.  In the olden days (last year) I would have realized he was on the computer with his EA, but the night prior I peered over to the first floor and he had fallen asleep on the couch.  Same thing last night. For the last month or so I have felt the EA is truly over.

So I went back to bed - had a second nightmare about bees chasing me - sticking to me - not stinging yet but so close.  I could shake one off and another would land elsewhere on my body. I woke up and my H was next to me sleeping away.

The first nightmare is indicative of your fears chasing you; and you fear what will happen if you are caught, so you keep running away....if that makes sense.   So, you are running; if only in your mind.

The second nightmare is a warning that you are about to be stung or hurt; yet, you are keeping whatever is going to 'sting' or 'hurt' you at bay for the time being.  The landing of the individual bees mean the time is at hand for whatever is going to happen; you've been "touched" but not hurt, as yet, if THAT makes sense.

Usually dreams indicate what is happening in your life; or things that will come in the future.

I will say this, you should have obeyed the Lord when He told you to be still..there is a time and season for saying things to your husband; and only the Lord knows when the time is right to either be still, be silent, or to speak certain truths.  Pay careful attention to what He tells you to do, and do it.

So, I advise listening to, and obeying Him to the letter in all He instructs you to do.

Not getting onto you; just speaking from experience; when I disobeyed the Lord, things got worse; but when I stood still, and paid strict attention to His instruction to me; things got a whole lot better.

I learned through HARD experience that it is better to heed Him than to speak out of turn..things can get very bad.

[Synicca]

This thread is one that I also question, My H only had moments of Monster in the beginning, Just a few rants and raves. Nothing really serious, and I believe it came from me pushing, Like for instance. The first major Monster came when I had my emotional breakdown and tried to commit suicide. And he flipped a lid and screamed bloody murder at me while trying to get me to throw up pills I had taken on top of a drunk-in stoop I got myself into. ( I'm not proud ) but it happened, and he yelled at our D12, teeling her He was never going to be with me again!!

The second came when he put a status on His FB, proclaiming his undying love to the OW, when My D could have read it, ( she didn't know at the time) and I again flipped a lid. and he got in my face. Screamed at me and told me to leave him alone. Still nothing that major. The next morning he came to me and fell apart in tears. telling me he was sorry for acting like an a$$.
He did ignore me and D12 the first 2 weeks of his return. but that didn't last long either.

He has always been nice to me since. has done things for me around the house and we can still sit and talk for hours, without
any anger. He has shown great amounts of affection towards our D and is there anytime she needs him.

Granted, sometimes when he walks in the door, I can clearly see his stress. But within minutes he melts.
I mean melt, by I can see the lines on his face relax and he starts to smile. He has always said that he felt at ease when he is here. and can relax. So this is confusing.

Maybe because I have not really showed him anger? maybe because I have become his sounding board, and he knows it?
Ugh!

I do know that when I told him I could no longer stand, he became agitated. hmmm? Maybe I should be serious, after reading the length this whole MLC can take, Some of you have been doing it for years! I don't think I could do that. I have given myself a timeline. ( If the house goes into forclosure, and I have to move and uproot my daughter ) I am done.

Ive been in it now for 5 months, Gosh! It's so draining on the soul!!

[Shantilly Lace]

sy rather then a time line how about check points?  One of the other loves here had a timeline but it failed and they decided on checkpoints to see how they were.

This stops you pressuring yourself.

[Synicca]

Shantilly,

Can you help me understand what you mean by check points?

My H keeps stressing that he doesn't want to lose the house. He has said that the last 4 times he has been here.
I know that weighs heavy on him, but I also have told him that if he wants to "save it" he would have to return
home in order to do so, because I am NOT leaving until I am thrown out by the MC.

I am hoping this might be the kicker, to bring him home, but I don't want to fool myself.

[HeartsBlessing]

Synicca,

Checkpoints are simply times where you see how you're doing; looking back to see how far you've come; and getting an idea of what may be in the future..and they are as individual as you are.

My H keeps stressing that he doesn't want to lose the house. He has said that the last 4 times he has been here.
I know that weighs heavy on him, but I also have told him that if he wants to "save it" he would have to return
home in order to do so, because I am NOT leaving until I am thrown out by the MC.

I am hoping this might be the kicker, to bring him home, but I don't want to fool myself.

Don't count on this to bring him back; we have a case here where Covenant Keeper's husband completely let the house go; and CK was evicted, more or less.

I would do whatever I could do NOT to lose my home...and I've done that, before; to keep from losing my house.....I like a roof over my head, thank you very much; and NO ONE is going to take that away from me; I remember thinking, if it came down to it; I would work a couple more jobs to keep myself afloat if it came to that.

It didn't happen that way; but it could have.

I learned very quickly NOT to depend on the MLC'er to do anything to help me; I had to help myself; and did.

I faced this in the extended crisis my husband went through; I paid all of the bills; plus our house payment...I was just NOT going to lose all I had worked for; just because he was being irresponsible.  This went on for over a year that time.

I was put in the position AGAIN of paying household bills when he broke his ankle and went down for over 3 months last year.  Of course, I KNOW this was a different story; but the 'Boy scout motto' still prevails; "Always be prepared".

So, it's something to think about; don't depend on anything to bring them back...in the end, if something is lost including your house; it really doesn't affect the MLC'er like it does you, the LBS.

Food for thought.

[Shantilly Lace]

Well they decided after realising the time line wasn't going to work, that it would be better if they saw how they felt every 3 months. So they had a check point. Every 3 months they see how they feel. Do they still want to stand? Do they want to move on?  How are they feeling within themselves?  All sorts of things. So that is what a checkpoint is for them 

HB describes it well

[Trustandlove]

I just wanted to add my .02 worth to the "don't think that anything in particular will bring them back" bandwagon....

I have thought along the way that all sorts of things might be the thing that does the trick:  OW not being "the onek", losing a job, death of a relative, mother's illness, business venture not being what he thought, the list actually goes on. 

None of it did it.  So far our house hasn't been threatened, but he has said how much financial pressure he is feeling, even while he has been spending large amounts of money on himself.  So I have to fact the very real possibility that I will have to take some action to protect the house and children's education.  Luckily I have got my own finances in better shape during this time, however that still might not be enough. 

HB is right, those things won't really affect them in the way that they do us and the children, and it really is up to us to deal with them.