[What is the percentage of spouses who have divorced decide to reconcile on this forum]

What is the percentage of spouses who have divorced decide to reconcile on this forum

How many have accepted their spouse back

0 (0%)

How many have decided to move and have remarried someone else

0 (0%)

Total Members Voted: 0

Voting closed: June 13, 2014, 06:59:19 AM

[Thunder]

GBM,
I think they all "run for their life."  Mine did, too.  Thought a D would change everything.  His life would be so much better.  It's not.  It's not more fun.  It's not simpler.

He is now contending with loss of retirement money, bills and taxes staring him in the face.  Loss of his wife and family and loss of any thing that gave his life mean something.

What they don't seem to comprehend is they are throwing away the stability they HAD.  Throwing away the one person who had their back no matter what.

The depression is major.  The fantasies are not what they thought they would be.
It's hard to watch.

[Medusa]

Medusa!  I just saw at the bottom of your post it says "Semper Gumby!"  A gal after my own heart!!  Gumby RULES!!   

Gumby and Ozzy! 

GBM,
I think they all "run for their life."  Mine did, too.  Thought a D would change everything.  His life would be so much better.  It's not.  It's not more fun.  It's not simpler.

He is now contending with loss of retirement money, bills and taxes staring him in the face.  Loss of his wife and family and loss of any thing that gave his life mean something.

What they don't seem to comprehend is they are throwing away the stability they HAD.  Throwing away the one person who had their back no matter what.

The depression is major.  The fantasies are not what they thought they would be.
It's hard to watch.

I keep wondering how mine is reacting to being served with D papers. I hope it is giving him pause and making him really realize exactly what you said,a Thunder, that they are throwing away the person who always had their back.

We just have to remember that as painful as D is, it can be the best thing for us. Do we really want to remain married to a stranger? For me, the realization that he was still cake eating financially was what pushed me to action. I will be damned if he gets to do any more of that. I stand to lose a lot. But I will walk away with my dignity knowing that I've shown a lot of people my strength and compassion.

And perhaps some day the wonderful guy I used to love will find his way back. If he doesn't, so be it, for now, I don't want him. He's just icky.

[GBM]

Thunder, this is very true.  They all do run.  Mine has said that he was “running scared”.  He sure didn’t act scared at the time.  He was as arrogant as they come, and blaming me for everything.  Things are not always what they seem!

It is hard to watch.  They can cause such collateral damage to us, and their children, but mostly, in the end, they do so much damage to themselves.  I wish that they could see a clearer, more effective way of dealing with THIS before they throw away what was so important to them, but they have to find that out for themselves.   This is why it’s called a crisis!  If they had good coping skills it wouldn’t reach crisis proportions. 

I think the good news is that most will realize what they lost, and want it back.  The bad news is that some may not be able to work out their issues to do the work that is needed, or if they do it’s too late and the LBS has moved on.  I have a great deal of compassion for what my MLCer went through, and I suspected how devastated he would be when he figured out how much he threw away.  My main goal for sometime has been to heal as much myself, to be able to give us a chance to heal together as much as possible, reconciliation or not.  I have satisfied that goal, and given him the opportunities to get back some of what he lost.

 I am happy that I made that choice.  I knew that there were no guarantees going into this, so this shifted into a much greater goal than just reconciliation for me.

Medusa, unfortunately nothing makes them realize anything until they are good and ready.  It is sad for everyone.  And you are right, sometimes divorce is the best thing, especially to protect yourself financially; it needs to be top priority, always.  Mine left me in total ruins financially.  I didn’t plan on letting him, it just happened, way too quickly.  If your H doesn’t ever return, yup, it will be his loss, and the consequences for what he has done. They are all “icky”.  LOL

[Medusa]

Know what, GBM? It's already his loss. It was his loss when this started, even if he can't help it. I'm willing to bet most of us can say that unless we are still in the very early stages of blaming ourselves.

It took me awhile to accept that divorce was the right thing for us. I don't want it most of the time, but its necessary. And when I accepted that it really is just a legal thing that can always be changed in the future, its a good thing. I'm reasonably certain my H doesn't want a divorce and never did. My gut tells me OW has likely been pushing him for it and he's been doing what he can to mollify her. I keep going back to something he said to me last summer about how he had to find out of that relationship is the "real deal". Anyone reading this knows it isn't. But he has to find out experientially. So he's finding out.

I agree with you, GBM, that having our eyes open and clarity in our heads is crucial for us to get through. The goal of working on ourselves is much more important since we don't have the direction for the crystal ball. Its about moving on kith our lives, becoming happy and my whole as individuals, and, if it happens, being given the opportunity to possibly reconcile. That's how I look at it. Just as everything is his world is about him, most things in my world are about me. The difference is that I can and do think about others.

[birdwatcher]

Mine filed for D a week after BD. It's final Friday after next. All this happened within a couple months. I believe mine wants freedom he thinks he'll get from the D.  He moved out a month ago and after BD he did not want to seek counseling  and says no OW. He does have high morals so I suspect he wanted to rush the D through so he could feel like he could have OW and not feel guilty about it. I did not contest it because it served no purpose to fight it - he needs to go through this MLC on his own and I'm more than happy to give him the space he wants now. I don't want this D and he knows that but that did not make him think twice about it, he's only thinking of himself.  I hope one day that he realizes what he lost but he's so stubborn i'm not sure he'll ever figure it out and if he does, probably too prideful to see if reconciliation is possible. Yep life goes on, just have to keep on livin'. It hurts but I see it as a piece of paper and you can't wipe away your entire relationship, it happened. Hoping that someday we could start a new relationship and let this one go.  A lot of people have stay at home MLC'ers and I am reading some bad stories and consider myself lucky that he left to go through this tunnel without me. It is pretty painful to watch even from afar. At least i'm able to relax and do what I want at home and he can grow up and figure out how to accept some responsibility. I don't want him back in this frame of mind anyway. There's always hope for the future I guess. I know I'll be ok either way.

[God's child]

I always wanted know if their have  been many successful reconnections which led to reconciliation on this forum. I know of the reconciliation thread and we all have our own stories and so many of us do not get to follow every thread so I was just curious! Plus feel free to post! I love to hear your comments too!!