[What is the percentage of spouses who have divorced decide to reconcile on this forum]

What is the percentage of spouses who have divorced decide to reconcile on this forum

How many have accepted their spouse back

0 (0%)

How many have decided to move and have remarried someone else

0 (0%)

Total Members Voted: 0

Voting closed: June 13, 2014, 06:59:19 AM

[StandandDeliver]

I have personally been thinking a lot about the process of forgiveness and reconciliation as they pertain to standing, or even if the marriage partnership ends, as they pertain to the requirement my H and I have to try to get along as our young children grow.

Some days I feel that I am forgiving H (it is an ongoing process as he continues to do or say things that have the potential to hurt, if I let them), but at the moment I find the idea of reconciliation (even at some undefined moment in the future) the tough one.

I stumbled on this Buddhist site and the following excerpts from a post entitled "The Difference Between Forgiveness and Reconcilation", http://mettarefuge.wordpress.com/2010/01/18/the-difference-between-forgiveness-and-reconcilation/

It helped me sort out some of the mess in my head about these things and why I can sometimes find the ability to forgive, but I find the idea of a friendship or any relationship with H so difficult right now. If others are struggling with similar questions, maybe this will be of some help to you too.

The Pali word for forgiveness-khama-also means “the earth.” A mind like the earth is non-reactive and unperturbed. When you forgive me for harming you, you decide not to retaliate, to seek no revenge. You don’t have to like me. You simply unburden yourself of the weight of resentment and cut the cycle of retribution that would otherwise keep us ensnarled in an ugly samsaric wrestling match. This is a gift you can give us both, totally on your own, without my having to know or understand what you’ve done.

Reconciliation — patisaraniya-kamma — means a return to amicability, and that requires more than forgiveness. It requires the reestablishing of trust. If I deny responsibility for my actions, or maintain that I did no wrong, there’s no way we can be reconciled. Similarly, if I insist that your feelings don’t matter, or that you have no right to hold me to your standards of right and wrong, you won’t trust me not to hurt you again. To regain your trust, I have to show my respect for you and for our mutual standards of what is and is not acceptable behavior; to admit that I hurt you and that I was wrong to do so; and to promise to exercise restraint in the future. At the same time, you have to inspire my trust, too, in the respectful way you conduct the process of reconciliation. Only then can our friendship regain a solid footing.

[LettingGo]

Really nice post.... printing it out as a reminder.... it is so simply explained!

[BonBon]

I so agree.  Thanks for posting this.  I need to print it out too!

[Stronger]

I was reading on another website about timelines for reconciliation , it appears base on comments from others most reconciliations appear to happen in the first year, two at the most. This scares me I'm at a year with no end in sight.

Thoughts, opinions ?

[OldPilot]

2 years is normally called the end of the beginning.
One year is barely starting.

RCR says 3-7 years average for most men

There is another thread here that I might merge this into later.

[Ready2Transform]

Yeah, those sound like stats for non-MLC affairs or separations.  I found some of that early on and it was scary.  Read the stories here - it's way more in line with what RCR says.

[hyperglad]

No chance...they haven't even stopped spinning by then 

Mine is only really starting now almost 4yrs after BD 1 ....as ready2 said they are probably non MLC ones.

[Anjae]

Like the other had said, those timelines are for non-MLC situations. One year in MLC and with no end in sight is normal, the end is not supposed to come within a year or two. I'm more inclined to a timeline of 4-7 years on average form a man because the crisis starts way before we notice it and takes ages after they "wake up".

[Stronger]

The website is for MLC but it appeared based on discussion and it seemed that those who reconciled it happened within 2yrs . I realize the crisis last much longer and typically starts before BD.Any opinion on if age comes into affect as to how long?

[Dontgiveup]

Below is part of RCR's article on Acceptance that has good insight on the time frame of MLC.

If your goal is speed, it will fail. But most of you will need to learn that through experience. Make your goal Acceptance. It is my wish that you accept the Time reality and make goals within that context. But most of you have the fantasy and hope that you will be the exception, you will change his mind or maybe you doubt it is MLC and therefore believe it will be faster for you. Maybe you are right; exceptions to rules are part of the rules and this is your journey.